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Erwin Smith was a man beyond your reach. He had dreams you could never hope to be more important than, dreams you could never hope to surpass. But as you lay in bed with him, naked and sweaty, perhaps you hoped that you could maybe, just maybe, convince him to stay.
You reach out, brushing over the end of his right arm, feeling the marred and puckered skin. “What are you thinking about?” He asks, softly. “How you should stay here,” you don’t hold back, he knows your stance on this. Knows your stance on him going into battle after he lost his arm.
You had seen countless soldiers march back into battle after recovery, and you had seen said soldiers lose their lives.
You had been the one to save Erwin from the jaws of the titan who robbed him of his mobility, and he had seen the look in your eyes, the dread and horror because you knew, Erwin Smith, foolish Erwin Smith, your foolish lover, would rush into battle for his dream, with or without his arms. You laugh softly, even if the titan had taken his legs he would probably insist he be strapped to yours or Levi’s back.
“I can’t,” he says. “I need to see this through. You know I do.”
Of course you know, you had been there when Erwin’s father was silenced, you were young at the time, but you remembered Mr Smith being hauled out of his house. And you had seen the grief and guilt in Erwin’s eyes after he had come home to an empty house. You look up at him, running a hand over the plans of his face, committing him to memory. He meets your stare, unabashed.
“I love you,” he says softly. You shake your head. “Not enough,” you murmur. He doesn’t love you enough to stay behind. Doesn’t love you enough to abandon his dream.
He leans down to kiss you, his hand coming to your back, pulling you in. “When we get back,” he says slowly, “I will retire, and we can rest.” He doesn’t look away from you, not once, “I will see my dream through, and then you.” He pauses, his lips a hair’s breadth from yours, in the space between, is a question for you.
Is this enough? Will this suffice? Is this compromise enough?
This is enough you decide.
You return his affections.
You grip the stupid books in one hand, the other wrapped around Levi’s waist, trembling. These are the books he died for. You glance over at the carts hoisting the dead bodies, wrapped in cloth, it is impossible to tell which is Erwin.
He’s a number now, a number in the endless deaths you’ve seen.
A soldier shouldn’t be reduced to this, you think, a crying shaking mess after a death.
But this isn’t just anyone’s death.
You snort, you didn’t think your perhaps slightly illicit affair with your commander would have been exposed this way.
Perhaps you thought you could surprise everyone at the celebration after the retaking of Wall Maria, you could hold his hand up and announce that the both of you would be retiring, to live out the rest of your lives in peace, together.
Everyone would shout in surprise and yell “What! Since when?” And you and Erwin would recount your story, growing up as neighbours, you joining the scouts and climbing the ranks, putting the two of you in close proximity once again, the feelings that bloomed over drinks and dreams shared and strategies planned.
Instead, you had screamed and fallen to your knees in front of his body already growing cold, cursed him out for breaking his promise, begged for him to come back, and out of sheer desperation, tried to perform CPR.
No one said it, but everyone knew at that moment the reason why Erwin would always hold you back in meetings, why you had been the first to turn and run for him when he had been snatched off his horse by the titan who stole his arm.
Not like it mattered, as you looked around at your fellow comrades who had survived. Out of all the people, your lover had been survived by children half his age. If you weren’t so sad you might have laughed at the hilarity of it all.
“You’re heavy,” Levi snaps irritably. “You’ll deal Mr Ackerman,” you smile. You’re sitting on his lap on his wheelchair, watching as Falco and Gabi run around the field with your child, they’re specks in the field, two heads of blonde and one brown in the green field.
This was the world Erwin would never get to see, you think. The grief that touches your heart isn’t nearly as potent as it was all those years ago.
“Do you wish he was still here?” Levi asks, eyes flitting between your face and the three children. You shake your head, “Not anymore, I know I cursed you for choosing Armin but he… he’s at rest now I suppose.”
You lean in, placing a kiss on Levi’s forehead.
You miss a lot of people, you miss Erwin, you miss Hanji, god maybe you even miss Eren, even if he was the loosest of loose canons.
But this…
You look at your child, playing in the fields, a piece of Erwin who will always be with you. You look at Levi, who has loved you all these years, even before you ever returned his feelings.
This is enough you decide.
This is more than enough.