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Being somewhat famous, acting, going on stage… At a first glance, it seemed like Kim Jaehyun was already used to it. The way he'd seem like he carried the scene's atmosphere with him everywhere he went made everything seem alright. After all, he was smiling and had the signature smiley wrinkles on him almost 24/7.
Wrong.
Completely wrong.
Jaehyun couldn't even get enough sleep most nights because of the nightmares and the past haunting him. Even his smallest mistakes would seem like a possible threat to his career as well as his band's career, as netizens were sometimes overly brutal, taking confidence in the anonym persona they hold online.
His most nights were like this; tossing and turning in bed, hugging Dokbae to find the slightest comfort but then getting too warm with Dokbae's own body heat and his own anxious body heat. He'd listen to music, audio books, but to no avail, he'd find himself awake until 5 am most nights. He'd then try to hide the blackness under his eyes with heavy color corrector. Maybe his make up artists realized it or not, but it was never a solution from the root. In fact, he'd probably, or rather, keep it hidden from others to not worry them. Especially during promotion periods.
After returning from Japan, maybe with the effect of the drama he starred in, zombies got introduced to his nightmares. He'd dream of people with unrecognizable, scary faces swarming him, pushing him on the floor and ravaging him, all happening while he couldn't wake up from this paralysis.
Lucky enough for him though, his observant band mate and best friend had already caught on to Jaehyun's current state. Even more during the promotion period.
……………...
Tonight was one of those nights for Jaehyun. The heat from his bed sheets would eat him from the insides alongside the bad memories as he listened to any song he could find. Right now, he was listening to Moonshot, their title track. Somehow he could resonate with the lyrics. It was describing his fears and inner feelings.
Across meaningless time
Still, I'm here, breathing
Your fragile heart beats
With deep-seated fear
His eyes were frantically going around his room, trying to decipher every shadow it spotted. From the light coming from the street, to the silhouette of the lamp on his desk… Everything seemed to move bit by bit every night. Of course, he moved them but then again, imagination runs wild during night time.
Hiding in a deep hole
Looking down at the same day
I couldn't help it, I hesitated
Repeating the same melody
He closed his eyes and tried to focus on the drums at the back, trying to not let any other thoughts into his mind. In fact, he got too focused that he didn't realize Hun entered his room to check up on him. He had his eyes closed and ears full.
With the shift in his bed, Jaehyun suddenly yelped in fear, only to realize that it was Hun crawling upon him.
"Yah, sorry scared you…"
"Ah- Don't worry."
During this small interaction, Hun could sense remnants of distress from the latter. His under eye circles was already a clear indicative of him skipping sleep.
"Yah, is everything alright? You seem out of it these days." Hun spoke in a low voice.
"..."
"Jaehyun-ah, you know you can tell me anything right?"
"Yeah."
"So tell me then. I know that you are not sleeping these days, and I want to learn what is going on with you."
"Nothing serious don't worry." Jaehyun forced a smile on his face, his smiley wrinkles shining under the the light from the street.
Hun looked at him for a while clearly in disbelief. Sighing he points Jaehyun to scoot over.
"Make some place for me."
"Wait why?" Jaehyun suddenly forgot about everything with Hun's sudden boldness.
"Just do it. It's not li- nevermind, just scoot over." Hun bit his tongue.
"Sure…"
The weight shift in his bed kinda took Jaehyun by a surprise but he was able to push the nightmarish thoughts aside with this small change.
"Jaehyun, little spoon or big spoon?"
"The what?"
"Hugging, cuddling. Are you the big spoon or the small spoon?"
" I don't know, really." Jaehyun replied.
"..."
A sigh could be heard from Hun before both boys started giggling. "Come on. Come here."
Jaehyun felt himself being subconsciously drawn towards Hun.
"Awww when did Romang become this big?" Jaehyun chimed.
"Oh shut up, don't ruin the mood. C'mere." Hun lifted his left arm up, ready to receive Jaehyun's close contact. Jaehyun scooted over to engulf himself in Hun's arms.
Warm.
Safe.
He was feeling fuzzy inside already, but when he got to get cuddled by Hun, he had started to feel warm, safe and finally relaxed enough. Enough that his eyes would already be closing in the matter of minutes.
"G'night Hunnie."
"Good night Jaehyun-ah." Without thinking, Hun gave a peck on Jaehyun's forehead. In realization, he got embarrassed but Jaehyun's reaction swept him from his feet.
Within the matter of seconds, Jaehyun had given Hun a peck back, near his lips and snuggled close into his body.
"Thank you"
"... Anything for you Jaehyunnie"
Maybe that night Jaehyun was able to sleep good for the first time in a long time without using his phone. After all, Hun was beside him. His cool skin seeming to soothe his burning insides and thoughts. His mind seemed to slow down the more he got closer to Hun.
The only thing that he wasn't aware of was the increasing heart rate of the boy beside him, and his fast thoughts.
Hun on the other hand, was contemplating his thoughts and emotions. Why was he giving a reaction like this? Why was a small cuddle with his band mate this exciting to him? Had they never touched, hugged, wrestled around together? So why was he like a middle schooler boy, going through puberty again?
He closed his eyes to coerce himself to go to sleep, hoping to have resolved his thoughts when the morning came. At the same time, he felt like he wanted to pull Jaehyun even more closer, with the heavy desire, borderline lusting, to surround the latter in his arms. He felt his feet slipping under for the last time before he fell into something big. Like love. Maybe puppy love. For a particular puppy like a boy.
How could a cat-like person feel this way about him?