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Giselle knows she shouldn’t be doing this. Deep down, she has the answer: They’re over. They have been for 6 months now. She curses the universe silently. ‘There should be a guidebook for
heartbreak,’ she kicks a stray rock. She doesn’t know why she’s at Karina’s doorstep - I mean, she does, she has some of her stuff - but Karina hadn’t reached out to ask for it.
‘Maybe… this is an excuse for me to see he- goddamn my fucking brain!’ she curses before the door in front of her swings open.
“Giselle?”
Ah. The ever-familiar voice. A voice she once loved - and she still does. Giselle looks everywhere but at Karina’s face. “I came to give you these. They have some photos, perfume bottles, lipsticks,
and other stuff. I thought you might need them.”
Karina’s expression is blank. “Thank you.” is all she says firmly, before shutting the door.
The air is particularly cold tonight.
-
Karina’s heart breaks into a million pieces. She purposefully left them behind after they decided to end things. She didn’t think this through - she never even considered that Giselle would return
her things back to her. She slides down the door, sobbing, wondering why the universe was being cruel to her. In between the stuff, there was a book. Giselle’s favorite. It had a bookmark she
had made from scratch with a heart, for Karina. Both of them used it whenever they were reading a book. Karina’s heart is thumping, there’s a slight hopeful move she makes when she picks up t
the book. Did Giselle leave it on purpose? Karina holds the book close to her heart.
Screw the universe for not being gentle.
There’s no way to soothe my lonely heart,
But you can stay awhile, leave me a long aftertaste.
-
Giselle spends the night crying and reminiscing. The worst part about a breakup is always the ‘what if?’ Always trying to tie up loose ends so that nobody is walking on eggshells around each
other. But it is inevitable. Giselle realizes she dropped her favorite book in the flurry of stuffing things into that box. She hated every moment of it, but she felt it had to be done. She thought the
only way she could move on was if every single memory she had with Karina was gone. But that is impossible.
When breakups happen, sometimes they happen unevenly. There will always be one person taking more damage than the other - often watching things around them falling apart and not knowing
what to do about it. Giselle was going crazy. There were so many things left unsaid, so many loose ends to tie. But neither was willing - not when their hearts are so delicate.
Giselle hopes that with the book in Karina’s hands, she’ll know how she really feels.
My thoughts are easy to read
you can skim over it too.
In the haziness of her thoughts, tears still rolling fresh, Giselle picks up a picture from their first date. Despite Karina’s aloofness moments ago, where she slammed the door on her face, the
smile in the photo showed a completely different picture. Smiling while kissing Giselle’s cheek, while Giselle was blushing, she remembers that night vividly. Holding Karina’s small hands for the
the first time, kissing her for the first time; tasting the lipstick she specifically chose. The warmth of it all, to be in her arms, to be laughing and smiling, that was all Giselle wanted.
Giselle doesn’t throw the picture, instead, she walks to the 24/7 convenience store where they laminate and frame pictures. She decides that one good thing from the relationship can stay, even if
it hurts to look at.
I can't pretend to not see my growing heart
it's better to hurt from longing
than to regret not doing anything
because when I hurry to your embrace, it will be warm.
-
Giselle curses herself again. Instead of walking back home, she walks back to Karina’s front door. As if Karina was waiting for her, the door opens. Before either can mutter a word, Karina is
already in Giselle’s arms. Sobbing. Giselle can’t stop her tears either.
Karina wipes some away, both from her eyes and Giselle’s; a move that catches the latter off-guard.
“Come in. Please.”
-
And when the night comes,
we'll make our own secrets
I'll bookmark our cherished night
and revisit, sometimes by myself.
It’s awkward because neither of them knows what to say. Giselle hates it. Conversation used to be so smooth, but now she has to push herself to even face Karina. Looking down at the ground,
Giselle's meek voice greets Karina. “Why did you call me in?”
“I want to apologize. For slamming the door on your face. And,” she hesitates slightly, “for everything else.”
Giselle looks stunned. “What’s there to apologize for?”
“I hurt you, Gi. You know it.”
“Karina, wha-”
“Giselle,” Karina starts sternly. “Let me finish. Please,” her voice quivers. Giselle notices the book is still in her hand. She nods, defeated, slightly moving back. With whatever courage Karina
could muster, she begins.
“I’m sorry for hurting you, for being so distant. For being so… not at the moment? I tried my best, I really did and I hope you know that,” she sniffles. “But the reason I wanted to end our
the relationship is because I felt like I was being unfair to you… my insecurities got the best of me and I couldn’t work my way out of it.” Karina is clutching the book for dear life, she feels like
she’s speaking into the void. That is until Giselle gently pries the book out of her hands and replaces it with her warm hands. Karina kisses the back of her hand.
“Karina… I’m sorry too. Maybe we started with one foot out the door. But it did hurt. Seeing you move on so fast like it was nothing, made me feel much worse. I knew we needed some
distance, but this wasn’t what I was expecting. But maybe it’s not our fault. We both had issues,” she gently rubs her thumb across Karina’s hand. Karina squeezes her hand three times.
It was code for ‘I love you, I’m always here for you’.
Giselle gives her a final look. “We… I can’t work it out now. I’m not… ready to smoothen things out. You can keep the book. But I hope you know that no matter what, no matter the distance, I’m
always here for you.”
They kiss one last time.
When it's time to part,
let's not turn away from each other so quick;
we'll face each other and walk backwards
and wish each other the best.
-
Giselle can’t stop the tears again. She curses the universe. Wouldn’t a handbook or a guide to heartbreak have been easier? But she realizes that she has to work her way through it. Maybe that
was the universe’s way of saying, “It’s okay.”
Giselle remembers reading somewhere that heartbreak takes time. There’s no set time limit. It will hurt more and more, before gradually becoming less. It will feel like your heart is mending itself
at its own pace - and that’s the first thing she should learn: that healing takes time.
Time doesn’t heal all wounds, but it can help to know that deep down, both of them tried their best to make it work. In another lifetime, in another universe, Giselle and Karina would be
together, for longer. Doing better.
But in the current universe, their chapters have closed. They can revisit it, always. But it will never be the same. That’s the hardest bit to reconcile with, Giselle thinks. That it will never be the
same again. All that is left is a mosaic of their happy and sad moments and everything in between. A mosaic broken heart, Giselle mumbles.
As she feels like she’s going to cry again, Giselle looks at the picture one last time.
I love you. With my whole being.
Giselle puts it near her bed. She doesn’t want Karina to go anywhere, even if she’s not with her anymore. She will always carry a tiny bit of Karina, or a large bit, but big or small, in the
end, it will always be Karina.
I know that love grows and withers
and that seasons come and go,
I'll bloom and then fall
one more time, forever;
Yet my love will still dream the same dream,
and I will not ignore this dream again.