Chapter Text
What did just happen?
Too many thoughts, confusing and loaded with emotions played ping pong in Dean’s mind. He hadn’t even had a chance to react and now… now Cas was gone. Forever.
His phone was already buzzing for the third time in a row, but Dean didn’t even hear it anymore.
His fingers stroke through his hair again and he took a deep breath, trying to shove away the heavy weight on his chest. It didn’t move.
Another breath, less deep and more shaken escaped his mouth. The tears just didn’t want to stop, so he let them go.
“How can you just leave me like this?”
Only a whisper of his dry voice. A question he knew how to answer, even that he didn’t like the answer. Cas had saved him. He had given his life for him. And as much as Dean felt himself at fault as he always did, something was different this time.
Pressing his lips together he managed to look up. His hands still laying in his neck. The desperate hope still staying in his heart. A hope that Cas would come back. But nothing was left of the angel. No sign. Not Anything.
Only his words echoed in Dean’s mind. Could he really be worth it? Had he really done all for love?
Biting his lips, he gulped down the rising pain in his heart.
“You stupid little angel.” Dean whispered.
He just had him back. He already had taken Cas for granted again. The angel, who was always there when he needed him. The man who had never much complained, no matter how much of his frustration and anger he laid on him. The one who had always listened, who had his back, even if he hadn’t asked for it. How often had he pushed Castiel away, in fear of losing him? How often had Cas kept up with his habits, his flaws and resentment?
Wiping away the slowly drying tears, his head felt back against the wall. His eyes staring up to a point of no importance. Somewhere farer away as the ceiling.
“Cas…” he whispered, somehow hoping he would be able to reach him. But within the empty, the angel wouldn’t even hear his prayers.
Wrapping his arms around his knees, he pulled his legs closer, trying to comfort himself, hiding behind them from the world. A world that without Cas just felt as empty as the place the angel would be now.
Only slowly Cas’s words came back to him, more in order now and not as confusing as before.
Words speaking of Dean’s heart, his love for the world and how he had taught all of it to an angel of the lord. Words telling him, that he was worth to be loved. Worth to be saved.
Another shaking breath went through his body when he wasn’t able to hold back the tears building up again deep down inside him anymore. Letting his head fell on his knees his vision got blurry again.
It was more than that.
Closing his eyes, he could see Cas in front of him. Tears in his eyes. Calm, even slightly smiling, so full of emotions. Words formed by his lips. Words which left him speechless. Words he thought he would never hear in his life.
“Why did you do this?” he asked again. He had wanted to stop him. Not to say the words. But he hadn’t wanted to let him go. He hadn’t wanted him to leave.
“I am worth it.” He tried to convince himself with little success. He must be worth it. Become worth it at least. Because no matter how much he had denied it all these years, the angel’s words had filled his heart. So open, so clear and so truthfully spoken. He wouldn’t even try to shake them away. Dean believed him, that much he had felt every single of Castiel’s words. Only himself he had to convince.
So he still asked himself how Castiel could have seen so much good in him. So much love that he was happy to sacrifice himself for Dean. The angel had given everything for him, the whole time. He had even given his heart to him.
Clinging more on to his legs, his whole body shook from another sob and for a moment, his thoughts went dark. Lost. Left. Alone.
When he slowly got a grip on himself again after what seemed to be hours, he still could feel his innermost shattered from losing Cas. His heart was broken, ripped to pieces. And only one thought came to him. One thought which felt him with warmth and let him feel the lost deep down inside at the same time. Clawing his fingers into his knees he looked up. Back to the place the angel had stood before. Where Castiel had been taken away. Forever.
“Maybe.” His lips formed toneless words. “What if…”
Trembling he took another deeper breath. His voice only a whisper, spoken into the empty room, without a respond. Hopeful but lost.
“What if… I love you too, Cas.”