Work Text:
I knew he didn't love me. from the way he acted like i was a task he had to check off for the day, to how he always said he loved me but would never respond when I said "I love you." When he would let me cry on his shoulder but would never let my shoulder be the one he cried on.
He loved me when I would sob and slam my fist on his chest at 2 am blabbering about my life problems. He loved me when I would cry begging for more and screaming his name after my melt down. But when he showed the most affection and gave the most love was when I was hurt.
He has a hero complex. Always wanting to help people. when we where 10 he saw a classmate getting beat up. He ran head in without even thinking. He walked away with a broken arm. He said his body just moved on its own and he didn't even know. I call it stupidity, he could of gotten hurt. Worse. I had to drag his butt home and clean him up. that's when I noticed I liked him more then a friend is suppose too. So at the ripe age of 10 I fell head over heals in love with my best friend.
I knew he knew that I loved him. but he never brought it up, never gave me a second glance, never thought about how I felt in 8th grade when he took our "friend" to the school dance. nope. never batted an eyelash. I don't know if he was to kind to reject me, or if his hero complex whisper some bullshit about not leaving me. We've been together since we were brats in diapers. and because we've know each other for so long, I know that he hates throwing away things hes had for so long. for example he had a coin he found. He's had that coin for at least a decade. I tried throwing it away. He had it the next day saying he's had it for far to long to throw away. I'm like the coin, he's had me for as long as he can remember. so why throw away something you had forever? you just wasted how long? just to throw it away? he said that. so whenever he saw something or someone he would test them. see how long he thinks they will last for him. he would never put effort into something that he doesn't see for the future. why? because it's it waste. I've memorized his speech down to the tee.
I don't know when it started. maybe around puberty? I don't remember. what i do remember is his body against mine. his voice singing me praise, his big hands holding me like i'm the most precious thing to him. then everything was a blur. i remember him coming to my room every night, saying he loved me but then waking up and being alone. maybe he just loved how i would crumple against his gaze. or how i would lay the world to his feet if he asked. but being real i don't think he noticed how he has me wrapped around his finger. he probably doesn't have the time of day to even think about it. nor does he care.
like I said he loved me the most when i was hurt. so that's how i end up in the hospital every other week. if i can have his eyes on me for a second i would break my whole body for that one second. whenever i hurt myself he's always there. cuddling with me, laughing, and whispering sweet nothings to me. we would hang out like it was just us. but when i healed. he would leave. act as if he wasn't the very reason why i keep hurting myself, acting like the past week didn't happen. he has the power to make me feel like I rule the world to feeling like a peasant in a snap of his fingers.
I saw him with someone the other day. I broke. i woke up to bright lights and pain in my arms and soft cry's. he was there holding my hand. i just starred. we sat in silence for god knows how long. he didn't leave this time, we fell asleep to cartoons and woke up to breakfast. he was still there. holding my hand. as if he let go i would disappear. i started crying. maybe he finally wants to stay forever. I cried all day, his shirt was drenched. this time he cried too.