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The first time Osamu Miya had ever felt empty around Sakusa Kiyoomi was in high school. They had been walking down the hallways of their school, going to their classroom in the morning, when Atsumu Miya strolled by. Glancing at the two of them with a smile, she tucked her hair behind her ears, biting her lip as she looked at Sakusa. Osamu could see the blush that spread under Sakusa’s mask, his cheeks becoming tinted with light pink. It was then that Osamu knew they would end up together.
His world shattered into tiny bits, but he knew he shouldn’t try to win Sakusa’s heart while his sister was in love with him. She had already been through enough hardship, especially when it came to love. Not every man was willing to date a trans girl, and females weren’t an option; Atsumu was as straight as straight came. So, Osamu knew it wasn’t his place to get in the way of her blossoming feelings for Sakusa, who clearly felt the same way. But despite everything, neither of them confessed, and then, Atsumu moved on.
Sakusa called Osamu one night, and they met out in the rain, on the beach of the large lake at the center of their town. He had just been rejected, he explained. He had confessed too late. Osamu could feel his heart warm, but he ignored it. He wanted to be there for Sakusa. He didn’t want to feel happy that his twin rejected the guy he had feelings for. But when Sakusa began touching him, he couldn’t hold himself back, and he fell to the pleasure. He thought for a second that maybe his feelings were being returned. However, it wasn’t his name Sakusa whispered as Osamu began to touch him back. “Atsumu!” he whispered desperately. And once again, Osamu felt empty despite being in the arms of the man he loved more than anyone in the world.
He had pulled away after that, but he didn’t when Sakusa approached him a day later, telling him he wanted to fuck Osamu. Not in the romantic way that couples did, though. He wanted a friends-with-benefits relationship with Osamu, and he even explained that it was to get over Atsumu. And Osamu wanted to believe that was true, so he accepted.
A few months later, Atsumu, Osamu, and Sakusa all moved out of the town, attending the same college for the next few years.
During their first year, Osamu and Sakusa continued their relationship, fucking whenever Sakusa was horny or depressed about Atsumu. Osamu still held onto the hope that Sakusa would one day return his feelings. That was why he carried on with their relationship.
But it was beginning to drain him, more than he had ever expected it would.
Osamu thought water was beautiful. When he wasn’t studying and doing homework, spending time with Atsumu, or allowing Sakusa to fuck him, he was gazing at a body of water, whether it be a pool or a lake. He had never learned to swim, but during his most empty and depressing moments—which usually occurred after he was with Sakusa—, he would just float. It wasn’t safe, but Osamu had decided that he wouldn’t mind drowning, though he wouldn’t actively seek to. Sometimes, he would stare at the stars in the sky, wishing to become one of them if he finally did begin to helplessly sink. The next morning, though, he would be back to the same routine that left him feeling used and broken. No one seemed to notice how he felt. Sakusa was too occupied with Atsumu, and Atsumu was too occupied with her boyfriend, Kita Shinsuke. Suna Rintarou, who they had all met in college, was the only one who seemed to take even the slightest notice.
“Are you feeling alright, Osamu? You look pale,” he said one night while they were out with Sakusa and Atsumu at a bar. In the bright lights of the small, uncrowded pub, Osamu had looked like a ghost. He had bags under his eyes, his skin was almost white, his cheeks were becoming hollow. His eyes lacked the animated glow that most eyes held. In truth, Osamu was beginning to believe he wasn’t alright. He felt so dull. He didn’t care anymore. His passion for cooking was disappearing, as was his passion for food. He felt that, at any moment, he could suddenly keel over and die, and he just wouldn’t mind. There were so many things he hadn’t seen, so much water he hadn’t floated in, but he just couldn’t care less.
Despite all these thoughts, Osamu gave a weak smile, replying, “Yeah, I’m good.” He didn't drink anything that night. After Suna’s comment, both Sakusa and Atsumu were side-eyeing him suspiciously, but he just pretended not to notice. They watched as he ordered a glass of water, laid his head on the table, and just stared at it, occasionally swirling it around and smiling as the ice clinked against the sides.
He went back to their dorms that night and let Sakusa fuck him. Afterward, Sakusa asked if he was eating enough as he snuggled him in bed. Osamu just nodded tiredly, but he didn’t dare to fall asleep. Instead, he left Sakusa’s room and went down to the pool in their dormitories. Suna was there, waiting for him. He had been the only one to discover Osamu’s habit. Or perhaps, he was the only one who gave a damn whether or not Osamu drowned.
Osamu liked Suna. Suna loved Osamu. It hurt Suna every time he had to see Osamu going back into Sakusa’s dorm room for another night of fucking. Suna knew about Osamu’s feelings for Sakusa, and he knew they weren’t reciprocated. He wanted to hate Sakusa for doing this to Osamu, but he realized Sakusa had no idea.
So, instead of taking his anger out on someone who didn’t deserve it, he just tried his best to watch out for Osamu. When Osamu went to the pool and floated, he would stay like that for an hour. In that hour, he and Suna would talk. Sometimes, they would silently keep each other company. Other times, Suna would gingerly step into the pool and go swimming. Osamu found himself slowly becoming more and more attached to Suna. It wasn’t love, not yet. Not for a long time.
Sakusa heard a knock on his door one evening. He approached the door, glancing through the peephole to see Suna. He answered the door with a small smile, and just as he was about to greet the brown-haired boy, Suna asked, “Is Osamu here right now?”
Sakusa looked confused. “The last time I saw him was yesterday night. He told me he was going over to your place.”
“He hasn’t come to my place at all. Not since yesterday morning. And he’s not picking up his phone,” Suna explained. He was beginning to get frantic.
Just then, Atsumu appeared next to Suna. She rubbed her eyes tiredly. “What’s wrong, guys?”
“Do you know where Osamu is?” Sakusa asked.
“No. Shouldn’t you know? I thought you guys were dating.”
Suna scoffed, making them both turn toward him. He glared at them, his disgust uncharacteristically present on his face. “I’m gonna go look for him. You guys should stay here and continue being assholes together.”
“Suna, what’s happening? What’s wrong?”
Suna scoffed again. “Have you guys just been so focused on your fucking boyfriend and your fucking depressing love life that you didn’t notice anything wrong with ‘Samu?” Sakusa and Atsumu glanced at each other, understanding looks becoming apparent on their faces. Suna just rolled his eyes at them. “I’ve already checked the pool. Do you guys know of any bodies of water he might be attached to?”
They nodded in unison. Simultaneously, they responded, “The lake in our hometown.”
Then, Suna was off, with those two following quickly behind. As they passed Kita, Atsumu explained to him that they needed to go somewhere quickly and that she would be home in a few hours. The three took a bus to the town Osamu, Atsumu, and Sakusa grew up in, arriving at their destination thirty minutes later. When they left the uncrowded bus, they quickly rushed toward the lake. It was small, so it was easy to spot Osamu despite the darkness of the night. They found him, floating in the middle of the lake, his body beginning to sink under the surface.
Suna was rushing out toward him in an instant, thanking the amount of swimming he did when spending time with Osamu at the dormitories’ pool. He was pulling Osamu to shore in a wink, glad that he had decided to wear fairly light clothing that night. Osamu just gazed up at him, the empty look in his eyes disappearing ever so slightly as he stared up at Suna, who was smiling a rare smile as he looked down at Osamu. He recognized that Atsumu and Sakusa were there, too, but all he could focus on was the man who saved his life. He was breathing heavily and shivering in the night air, but Osamu, at that moment, thought that Suna Rintarou was beautiful. That was the first time in a while that Osamu had thought something like that.
Osamu was happy, being underneath Suna. He was glad that he had been the one to keep him from sinking into the depths of the lake.