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Why was that light so bright? Wille put out a hand to shield himself from it, stumbling over his own feet in a drunken haze. He’d snuck some alcohol in, wanting to forget the shitshow that was his life. He’d been largely unsuccessful; the more he drank, the more he hated what he’d done, who he’d become.
He’d broken his promise, he’d betrayed Simon, betrayed his trust, taken him for granted. Simon deserved better, there was no doubt. He took a long sip from the bottle in his hand, having forgotten he even had it.
He fought to keep his eyes open. Each time he shut them, he saw him. His smile, his hair, his skin, stunning in the morning sun. He felt his arms, his lips, his warmth. He shouldn’t. It was wrong of him to expect Simon to still want him after the way he’d fucked it up. Fucked him up.
He’d tried to do as Simon asked. He tried to have a nice Christmas. But how could he, when all he wanted was to be with Simon? Simon, who should never have been a secret, who should be loved openly, freely, unabashedly. He couldn’t give him that, and he hated it. Hated his stupid future, his life, his duties. He hated this palace, empty without Erik. Without home.
He couldn’t quite equate how quickly everything had changed. He’d had Simon, in all his entirety, by his side, in his head, in his heart. He was still there in two of those places. Then Erik had died, and he decided to keep his distance. A Crown Prince couldn’t be anything but straight. But then stupid August had his stupid party, and Willie had got high and he’d called Simon and Simon had come to him, and taken care of him and loved him. Maybe loved him. Wille had no idea if he did.
And they’d been so happy. Until the tape had spread around, until his mother played with his mind, until he’d lost the best thing that had ever happened to him. Simon. He needed Simon. But Simon didn’t need him, didn’t want him, didn’t love him. No one loved him. Erik had, but Erik was gone. Mama and Papa saw him as a burden, ungrateful and graceless. Christmas had been horrible. It really had. There were two holes in his heart, one caused of his own volition. He’d brought it on himself.
Wiping the tears he hadn’t realised had fallen, Wille opened up his Instagram. He went straight to Simon’s profile, looking longingly at the photo he’d posted less than an hour ago, one with Simon, Sara, Linda, Ayub and Rosh, gathered around a Christmas tree, with matching smiles on their faces. Good. Simon should be happy, should always be happy. That didn’t mean Wille didn’t feel a stab of pain at the fact that he wasn’t there with him.
His thumb hovered over the photo, hesitating before quickly liking the post and shutting his phone. He let out a shaky breath, again taking a sip of alcohol. He’d avoided his parents as much as possible, not that it was difficult. Unless there was something official, they wanted next to nothing to do with him.
He jumped onto his bed, burrowing under his blankets. He closed his eyes, this time welcoming the sight of Simon, so godlike in his beauty. He imagined he was there with him, in his cosy house, no, home, in Bjarstad, holding him close. Holding him and never letting him go. He let those dreams in until it hurt, until it hurt to keep his distance, until he couldn’t help but press call on his contact. Simon picked up before he could change his mind.
“Wille?”
“Simon. Merry Christmas.”
“Merry Christmas, Wille. How are you?”
Wille sighed. The conversation was stunted, and it was all his fault.
“Simme. Simon. Simon. Simon I’m sorry. I’m so so sorry. I shouldn’t have lied, I should have been honest with everyone. You deserve so much better than some idiot who can’t even fight for who he loves. You deserve to be loved openly and you shouldn’t have had your privacy invaded and I’m so sorry. I love you so much. And it’s okay that you don’t love me back, just. I just needed you to know. I’ll make it right, and one day, maybe I’ll be deserving of your love. But even if you never forgive me, I’ll always love you. There’s no one like you, Simon. No one who’s made me feel this safe, this warm. I wish I was with you, instead of sitting here in my cold room in this cold palace in this cold family with just my beer for company.”
He paused to take a sip, only to find the bottle empty. He heard Simon sniffle, although that was probably his addled mind playing tricks. He let out a deprecating laugh. “Even that’s over. I don’t wanna be Crown Prince. I don’t want to be King. I just wanna be yours, Simon. That’s all I want. But you don’t, and that’s okay. It’s okay. I just want you to be happy. Please be happy, Simon. Please please please-”
“Wille. Shhhh. It’s okay, you’re okay. I’m here. I’m here. God, I wish I was there with you. There’s nothing I want more. But you’re still you, baby, and I’m still me. I’m not going to change my mind, you know that. That doesn’t mean you’re alone. You always, always have me, alright? Always. Yes, you shouldn’t have lied, but you were put in an impossible situation that you never expected you’d have to face.
And I tried being mad at you, but I can’t, Wille. I forgive you. I forgave you immediately. How could I not? But Wille, we can’t go back to what we were, not yet. Not until we don’t have to hide. You’re wrong though, when you say I don’t love you. I love you so much, Wille, so, so much. And one day, in the future, maybe we’ll be able to say it to each other in front of everyone. But right now, I need you to know and remember this. I love you, my Wille.”
“Simon, I’ll make it right, I promise. I swear I will. I love you. It’s the most honest thing I’ve ever said in my life.”
“Good night, Wille. Never think you don’t deserve to be loved. I love you.”
“I love you.”
As the call ended, Wille had the answer he didn’t know he was looking for. He knew what he wanted to do next, damn the consequences. Simon was worth it. Worth all of it.
He opened up his Instagram again, clicking on the option to go live. He took a deep breath.
“Hey everyone, I wanted to address something that I should have a long time ago. It was me in the video, and I shouldn’t have lied. I didn’t have a choice then, but I’m making one now. I shouldn’t have to explain who I love and why. That’s all I’ll be saying on that matter. I’m sorry, for not saying this earlier, not for loving the man I love. Thank you.”
He ended the video, and less than thirty seconds later, his phone lit up, Simon’s contact flashing. “Hey.”
“I love you so much. You’re so brave, Wille, so fucking brave.”
“I want to see you. Can I come see you? If that’s okay?”
“I want to see you too.”
“I’ll be there, Simme. I love you.”
He did. God, he did. He’d make it work this time around. He had to. He couldn’t wipe the smile off his face even as he sat in the car, walking past his parents without a second glance, not even when Malin announced their arrival in Bjarstad. Not even as Simon opened the door, pulling Wille into him, and it was like they were born anew, meeting for the first time again. Their lips pressed together, warm and soft and safe and home. Willeandsimon. This was their new beginning. The night they met.