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No matter how many times he stared at the sea, Busan was what always came to his mind. He can still taste the saltiness on his tongue, can still hear the roaring waves crashing to the shore, can still recall the way the wind ruffled his hair like a mother caressing her child. Busan was a paradise once ago, where a warm smile and crinkled eyes stared at him with devotion. Where warm nights filled with cuddles and lazy mornings filled with soft-chaste kisses. But like all the good things that happened in Min Yoongi’s life, it all came to an end eventually. The end was filled with sleepless nights, constant throbbing in his chest, and waking up with red swollen eyes. The end meant leaving Busan, leaving a happy ending on the cold shore. Busan became nothing but a series of memories as he stared out the window of a train that took him to Seoul.
Seoul was nothing like Busan, first was the lack of sea, the second was the people, everyone was either too busy rushing from one place to another or they just looked so exhausted like a gust of wind could knock them down. The third was the air. Busan’s air was always cold, carrying the refreshing smell of saltwater, here the air felt suffocating. His apartment was a hole in a wall on top of a pizza place, with only a mattress, a table with chair as the furniture, but it’s the only luxury he can afford. The first few months after he arrived in Seoul, Yoongi was busy taking odd jobs left and right, scrapping for what he could for food and electricity bills because winter in Seoul was cold as fuck, and Yoongi spent most of his nights curling under a limp blanket he brought from Busan that still smelled like sea and tears.
The first winter in Seoul was lonely and cold. In those moments of weakness, he couldn’t help but think of Busan, of a warm body cuddling next to him, a big hand that would hold his hand protecting him from the cold. So Yoongi curled tighter into his limp blanket and thin mattress, pretending everything was okay, that he didn’t think of Jungkook all the time, pretending that the wetness in his eyes didn’t exist.
They meet again in the autumn, it’s Yoongi's second year in Seoul. He is walking to the convenience store beside his work building, deciding to take a break after being stuck with a song he’s producing that doesn’t sound right no matter how long he tinkers with it. He’s browsing through the ramen section when a voice calls out to him
“Hyung?”
‘fuck’
Yoongi freezes, hand just about to reach his favorite ramen, he wonders if his lack of sleep is finally deluding his brain. He slowly turns his head. Jungkook looks like the day Yoongi left him in Busan, still the same big doe eyes, the same brunette hair, but he looks a little taller, his shoulder broader, his jaw more chiseled. Jungkook looks great. And Yoongi looks like shit, Yoongi looks like he still couldn’t get over his ex despite having been separated for sixteen months.
“Jungkook-ah, how are you?”
The small talk is painful for both of them, Yoongi could see it in the way Jungkook fidgets uncomfortably, the way he runs his tongue on his lip nervously, the way he averts his eyes from Yoongi.
“I’m fine, Hyung”
“What are you doing in Seoul?”
“I got into Korean National University of arts.” Jungkook smiles sheepishly and runs his hand through his hair in the way Yoongi knows he does when he's nervous.
Yoongi’s heart gives a leap hearing that, “That’s great Jungkook-ah!” he smiles, feeling genuinely happy for the younger man.
Hearing the excited tone of Yoongi’s voice causes Jungkook to flash the bunny smile Yoongi loves so much, and his heart clenches in longing, knowing he isn’t privileged to see those smiles anymore, not after Busan.
“Thanks, Hyung. How about you? How’s your music going on?” Jungkook asks earnestly, his big eyes shining in expectation.
Despite himself, Yoongi finds the question oddly taunting. It sounds almost like ‘was it worth leaving me for?’ and the way Jungkook looks at him like he just wants the best for Yoongi like he wants Yoongi to succeed despite all of the pain Yoongi knows he has caused to both of them. It’s not fair how Yoongi is still struggling with his dreams, losing the love of his life, while said love of his life is now standing in front of him, in Seoul asking about Yoongi’s life instead of being in Busan, where it all crashed and burned.
“It’s going well, I’m a producer now at NG’s Entertainment,” Yoongi replies with a shrug, for some reason not wanting to reveal more.
An uncomfortable silence falls between them, and suddenly Jungkook blurts out
“Do you want to have dinner with me?”
Both of them just look at each other, Jungkook’s eyes are wide in horror, while Yoongi’s are wide with disbelief.
“I finish at eight?” Yoongi replies with uncertainty
“Great! Okay, um…. Do you still have the same number?”
“Yeah, I haven’t changed them.”
“Okay, I’ll text you later, Hyung.”
With that Yoongi watches as Jungkook practically skips outside, he just shakes his head trying to make sense of the odd encounter and continues to the cashier while trying to repress a smile at Jungkook’s antics.
At 7.30 pm Jungkook texts him, asking where they would eat, Yoongi suggested a lamb skewers restaurant not far from where he works. When Yoongi goes down, Jungkook is already waiting, cheeks flushed from the cold but the excitement is clear in his eyes. The short walk to the restaurant is filled with silence, Jungkook is busy admiring the skyscrapers around the neighborhood, while Yoongi is busy trying not to get caught staring at Jungkook. The old lady who runs the restaurant greets them warmly and ushers them into the empty table, asking if they want anything before ordering. Both of them decline politely.
Yoongi has just finished ordering when Jungkook finally expresses his concern about Yoongi’s weight.
“Hyung, you look a little thin, haven’t you been eating enough?”
“I eat just fine, Jungkook-ah. It’s just a busy week. Don’t worry.”
The truth is Yoongi hasn’t had a full meal in 3 days, mostly surviving on instant ramyeon, and running on four hours of sleep, but Jungkook doesn’t need to know that. Yoongi asks him about his college, and it turns out Jungkook is majoring in animation. He has always been very good at drawing, Yoongi used to tell him while they were laying in bed, huddling for warmth. How Jungkook would work in a big animation company and eventually climb his way into America, or even Marvel. How they would traveled together, built a life together somewhere far away. But that was Busan, this is Seoul, and those kinds of things are nothing but wistful dreams now.
After the old lady who runs the place delivers their lamb skewers, Jungkook automatically reaches to grill them, and the conversation is halted for now. They eat in silence, Yoongi notes that Jungkook still has his peculiar eating habit, how he hoards almost everything on his plate and stuff his food until his cheeks are bulging before chewing. Something just never changes.
Yoongi pays for their meal after successfully wrestling and outrunning Jungkook to the cashier. The night has gotten colder, Yoongi is wrapping his scarf around his neck when he hears Jungkook’s phone chimes, Jungkook takes it out and starts typing, a grin stretches around his lips.
“Who is it?” Yoongi asks, trying to sound nonchalant while putting on his gloves.
“Oh, it’s my boyfriend. He asked me if I’m going to go to his place.”
oh
With that, the calm atmosphere around them shatters. Yoongi just stares emptily into the street, of course, he is so stupid. The sorrow is back in full force, along with the wound that’s oozing blood again after Yoongi has painstakingly sewn it shut months ago. But it didn’t matter, he has brought this upon himself, he knows that. Yoongi is the one who decided to leave Busan, leaving Jungkook sobbing on the pavement begging him not to go. Yoongi is the one that chooses to chase his dream. Who chose Seoul over Busan. Maybe this is his karma, maybe this is how the universe decided to pay him back.
“When did you two meet?” The question feels like grating a knife into his chest, but he needs to know, needs to know how long did it take for Jungkook to get over him.
“We met at the beginning of the year, he’s a senior majoring in dance. We met on my first day, it’s embarrassing actually, he bumped into me and accidentally spilled his coffee down my t-shirt. I was ready to cry from embarrassment, but he took me to his place and gave me a new set of clothes. You should have seen the way he apologized, he looked so cute.” Jungkook replies with a fond smile, but it’s gone the moment he sees Yoongi’s face.
“That’s good Jungkook-ah, I’m happy for you,” Yoongi says softly, ignoring the hot coals inside his stomach, the burn trying to crawl up his throat. He wonders if Jungkook could see beyond the mask, the anguish in his eyes, the unshed tears brimming on the back of his eyes waiting to fall, wondering if that’s the reason he looks so guilty. But Yoongi doesn’t have the right to feel hurt, doesn’t have the right to cry.
“I should go home, it’s late” is what Yoongi settles for.
“Hyung, I’m sorry”
“No need to apologize Jungkook-ah. We do what we have to do”
“Like leaving me in Busan?” he asks bitterly
For the first time, there is anger beneath Jungkook’s words, there’s fire and hurt in his eyes.
“Was it worth it, Hyung?” Now Jungkook looks exactly like the kid Yoongi left in Busan, the stubbornness on his jaw, the challengingnote in his voice, the way he juts out his chin daring Yoongi to refute his question.
Yoongi’s eyes flash and suddenly they’re on each other's throats just like his last days in Busan sixteen months ago.
“What do you want, Jungkook?”
“I want to know, why do you care now Hyung? You certainly didn’t when you left me.”
“I did if that’s what you wanted to know. You know there’s nothing for me in Busan. We've been through this.”
“Then what am I? Do you know what happened after you left? I was a mess! alright? I fucked up my exams, my mom was worried sick, my dad beats me because on top of having a faggot son that’s also as dumb as a cow! But you didn’t care, did you, maybe you never did.”
“You know that’s not true. We were miserable, Jungkook. Can’t you see it? All we did was hurt each other, don’t you remember the fights? What we had wasn’t healthy, Jungkook-ah it was never meant to last.”
Jungkook shakes his head, bringing his hand to wipe off the moisture gathering in his eyes.
“What we had was good, Hyung. Yes, we fought, that’s what couples do. But you, you gave up on us.” Jungkook's voice cracks in the end.
“I did it for the both of us” Yoongi tries to reason, tries to will the dampness in his eyes away, he did this once in Busan. He can do this again.
“No, you did it for yourself, you did it for Seoul, you did it for your music.”
Yoongi can’t deny that, he did what he thought was best for both of them. Busan has no opportunities and Jungkook’s dad wouldn’t pay for Jungkook’s college if Yoongi didn’t leave. That was the deal, eighteen months ago when Jungkook’s dad cornered him, berating him for corrupting his son, and threatening to cut off Jungkook’s education funds if Yoongi didn’t break things off. And Yoongi knows, knows how Jungkook loves his dream, how he wants to change the world through his art, make it a slightly better place so a little kid from Busan, just like him could see that they’re not alone. None of that could happen if Jungkook stayed in Busan with him.
Yoongi could see how it would end up, how their fights would keep on escalating, how they would say things none of them could take back, how Jungkook would resent him eventually. For destroying his dreams, for not being enough. And he couldn’t bear it, Yoongi couldn’t bear watching Jungkook leave him. So he decided to take the cowardly way out.
And here they are looking for closure neither could give.
“We’re over. Jungkook-ah. Whatever it is you're looking for, I can’t give it to you.”
“I know, I just.. I don’t understand. Why wasn't I enough?”
Yoongi can’t say anything to that. Can’t tell Jungkook the deal he made with his dad, knowing Jungkook would drop everything the moment he learned about it. Yoongi couldn’t let Jungkook throw away his future, no he would be the villain. He already became one, anyway.
“You already know the answer to that”
God, this is just like Busan all over again and Yoongi couldn’t bear to do this once more. Break Jungkook’s heart and stomp on it all over the street. He may have become a villain but he’s not that cruel. So, Yoongi decides to end the conversation. What good does it do prattling and bickering on something that’s already dead?
“What’s his name?”
“Huh?” Jungkook always looks so adorable when he’s confused
“Your boyfriend, what’s his name?”
“Oh, it’s Jimin, Park Jimin. He’s a year older than me.” Fumbling awkwardly, Jungkook takes out his phone. On the screen, there’s a picture of a blonde man smiling adorably at the camera, Jungkook was beside him kissing his cheek. They look happy, they look in love.
‘Just like we used to’ Yoongi muses
“He seems nice. Is he good to you?”
“Yeah, he is.”
Jungkook looks at him like he couldn’t comprehend what Yoongi’s saying. Like he doesn’t understand the point of Yoongi bringing Jimin into their conversation. But Yoongi wants Jungkook to understand that they’re two different people, living two different lives. That the past is best to be left in the past.
“Do you love him?”
“Not like I loved you, Hyung”
And that’s the tipping point for Yoongi, the way Jungkook's voice is still full of love even after all this time, even after the pain Yoongi inflicted on him. The tears spill uncontrollably, like the wretched sobs Yoongi tried to swallow back. Before he knows it he’s cocooned in a familiar warmth, Yoongi turns his head into Jungkook’s chest as Jungkook’s arms hold him tenderly.
Yoongi could feel Jungkook carding his hand through Yoongi’s hair. Could feel Jungkook’s breath on the top of his hair. Yoongi wishes he could freeze this moment, and stay in Jungkook’s arms for eternity. But he can’t, he has to let go just like he did in Busan.
When Yoongi pulls himself, trying to detach himself from the embrace, Jungkook tips his chin up and kisses him. Yoongi’s eyes widen at the sudden onslaught, but then he closes his eyes and kisses back. Jungkook still kisses like he can’t get enough of Yoongi, frantic like they’re on a time limit. For the first time since arriving in Seoul, Yoongi feels alive like the flames in his core are lightened up again. Yoongi cradles Jungkook’s face, stroking his cheekbones like he used to do to calm Jungkook down. Jungkook touches his forehead against Yoongi’s, chest heaving as his large palm caresses Yoongi’s nape. Yoongi bites down a shiver as Jungkook kisses him again. This time slowly, like he’s trying to memorize the shape of Yoongi’s lips, memorizing what Yoongi tastes like.
Back in Busan, their kisses were always sweet, filled with mirth, and giggles. Now it’s salty, with the taste of tears between their lips, and heavy with the daunting possibilities of one last time. Yoongi wonders if this is what goodbye tastes like. They part reluctantly, their arms releasing each other unwillingly. The silence around them is laden with grief, and despair. A ping from Jungkook’s phone reveals Jimin’s message asking when Jungkook would arrive.
“You should go.”
“Hyung…”
“Jungkook-ah, he’s waiting.” Yoongi attempts to reason, to make Jungkook let him go.
“Will I see you again, Hyung?” The broken expression on Jungkook’s face makes Yoongi ache, and he draws Jungkook into a hug. Jungkook buries his face into Yoongi’s shoulder, inhaling deeply.
“Of course, Jungkook-ah”
“Please don’t disappear on me anymore” Jungkook pleads with a raw voice.
“I won’t,” Yoongi answers softly
Jungkook lifts his head, his gaze bores into Yoongi’s as if searching whether Yoongi is telling the truth or not. He lifts his pinky finger to Yoongi.
“Promise me,” Jungkook says in a firm voice but there’s a determination in his eyes.
Yoongi laughs wetly and intertwines their fingers together.
“I promise.”
They kiss again but this time there’s a sense of finality in it, both of them know this would not be the last time they see each other again. But it will be the last time they’ll see each other as more than friends. When they part, Jungkook is smiling at Yoongi, eyes a little heartbroken, but also full of love.
“Bye, Hyung. I’ll text you later.”
“Goodbye, Jungkook-ah”
Yoongi watches as Jungkook walks away from him, figure getting smaller and smaller the farther he gets. With one last lingering look Yoongi turns away, his feet carry him back into his studio.
.
.
.
We may be star crossed
A once in a lifetime
Never meant to last
But always meant to be beautiful
Cruel as it may be, know that I regret nothing