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Every year, ever since he was a little child, Felix and his family have visited the beach. His place in this world is the cozy house that once belonged to his grandmother, just five blocks from the sand dunes. The village around it is lovely, perfect for peaceful walks in warm January afternoons. But the true charm of this corner of the Earth, according to Felix, doesn't start until sunset.
Mere seconds after the sun has hidden behind the horizon, the first few shy stars start showing their faces. As they become brighter and brighter, the sky soon turns into something straight out of a painting, almost unimaginable to the eyes. The Milky Way shines in its full splendor, full of stars that seem to melt into each other, creating a show of constellations that has Felix's mouth agape every cloudless night.
But sadly, Felix's mind isn't cloudless. His eyes have a hard time seeing the stars when the fog of fear descends around him as soon as he steps foot on the openness of the beach: he has agoraphobia. It isn't bad in his everyday life -he feels like the buildings around him hug him safe- but the vulnerability he feels in open spaces is enough to keep him locked inside his house, under its dark, low ceiling, safe from the bright, endless ceiling the stars hang from.
He hasn't been able to properly explain it to anyone, his fear is so absurd he sometimes can't even understand it himself. Why would he fall up, towards the sky? Why would gravity change, right that second, throwing him inevitably into the depths of the ocean? But, without exceptions, every time he stares right at that space where the sky meets the ocean, the world around him starts spinning out of control and he has to hold on to something, to someone, to make it stop, to convince his mind that he is still standing, that the space hasn't sucked him into a black hole.
He wishes he could throw all his fears into the ocean, put them all into a spaceship and launch it straight into the sun. At least, he wishes he could put them in a box and hide it somewhere in his mind, to experience the greatness of the universe above, at least for a few seconds, until anxiety finds the box and sets the voices free in his head again.
For years, the voices have been tormenting him, keeping him from doing what he likes doing the most: stargazing. Until he met somebody who likes stargazing as much as he does. Who luckily isn't afraid of the vastness of the world. Who will never be able to wrap his head around Felix's fear, but who doesn't have to. That warm January evening, when Chan invited him to see the stars after going for a walk, Felix had to explain what he could about his anxiety. Chan will never truly understand, but that evening he learnt he didn't have to.
They walked to the beach under the orange hues of sunset. Before stepping on the sand, Felix lowered his head, and Chan held his hand. They didn't walk forward until Felix was ready. The horizon already a blurred line, the first stars appearing, Felix holding on to the man next to him like a lifeline. Slowly, as the world around them grew dark, Felix lifted his head. They sat on the side of a dune, and watched the show start, the lights of this natural theater shining on its audience. Hand in hand, until it all became too much, and they switched to a hug. For hours, and for the first time in his life, Felix was witness to his favourite play.
He can't lie, he feels afraid sometimes, even when he holds Chan as tight as he can, even when he focuses on the ground under his body to remind himself that no, he won't float away from everything he knows. He still lowers his head away from the sky when the tide rises and the waves of fear take him, but those arms around him remind him that he is not underwater, that he can breathe, and it takes a while sometimes, but they have all the time in the world. Now, he always has someone around to tell him that yes, we might be insignificant compared to the universe, but he isn't insignificant in his life. That he holds galaxies in his eyes when he looks up. That it's okay to be scared.