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***
The first time Jaehyun heard the question, he avoided it.
“Why would you ask something like that?” Jaehyun frowned, his hands stopped ruffling Doyoung's hair. “Don’t say bad things out loud.”
“I’m just curious.” Doyoung said, lazily tracing the pattern on his boyfriend’s hoodie. “Besides, what can possibly go wrong? While I’m lying on the love of my life’s chest, on his sofa, in his apartment?”
“Of course nothing will go wrong baby, but I feel like when things are said out loud they have more chance to become true, you know,”
Jaehyun had this habit of avoiding saying negative or unlucky things, fearing that he might speak it into existence. He couldn't remember where, when or who he picked it up from but as far as he could think back to, it had always been an unwritten rule for him.
“So what would you do?” Doyoung repeated. He started pouting as he saw Jaehyun turn his head away, breaking eye contact.
“I will make sure that you are always here with me, love,” Jaehyun smiled fondly. He would never forgive himself if he let anything bad happen to Doyoung. Even the thought of it was frightening enough to him.
***
The second time Jaehyun heard the question, he started examining it.
“So, baby?” Jaehyun switched on the bedside lamp, readjusted the blanket and turned to Doyoung on his left. “What do you mean by “wasn't here”?”
“The question? Now?” Doyoung glanced at the clock. “It's midnight, why the sudden interest?”
“I don't know, it just popped up in my head.” That was a blatant lie considering how many times Jaehyun was lost in the thought of it. “Like “wasn't here'' as in “wasn't here because you went on a business trip” or “wasn't here because we had a fight and you left for a few days”?”
“Say, business trip?” Doyoung crossed his hands on his chest. “Even though I’ve never gone on one before.”
“I will definitely miss you a lot. Like a lot a lot.” Jaehyun squished his boyfriend’s cheek.
The apartment would be very empty and terribly lonely without Doyoung’s wholehearted laughter, the sound of his favorite Netflix series being played on TV all day and him sulking whenever Jaehyun used his favorite Totoro slippers.
Sticky notes would be found everywhere, on the fridge with detailed instructions for Jaehyun’s favorite dishes, on the cupboard telling him to be careful not to bump his head when he searched for snacks half sleeping at 2am, on Jaehyun's laptop reminding him to drink water after long hours of work.
But home wouldn't feel like home anymore without Doyoung's presence.
“Can you fit yourself in a suitcase Jaehyun?” Doyoung grinned hysterically.
Jaehyun almost choked on his own saliva after hearing it. “5-year-old me probably would.” He jokingly pointed his fingers towards Doyoung as a gun. “Police here, tell me your evil scheme?”
Without saying anything, Doyoung grabbed Jaehyun’s shoulder, pulled him closer then covered his mouth, all happened in a blink. An evil look with a devious smirk appeared on his face. “Don’t tell anyone, but I plan to put my boyfriend in my suitcase so I can bring him with me wherever I- Ewww don’t lick my palms- Ewwwwww”
Jaehyun cackled. Licking palms definitely sounded disgusting. And slightly naughty.
“I hope you can take care of yourself without me,” Doyoung coughed.
“You won't have to be worried about me,”
***
The third time Jaehyun heard the question, Doyoung had altered it a bit.
“What about-” Doyoung took another sip of wine. ““Wasn't here” as in “wasn't here because I passed away”?”
Jaehyun froze. “I have never thought about this before,”
It wasn't a lie this time.
7 years of knowing and loving Doyoung had made him an inseparable part of Jaehyun’s life. Doyoung is more than just a friend from college or a roommate who had become his boyfriend. Doyoung would be the man Jaehyun wanted to spend the rest of his life with, to be his soulmate, his partner until eternity, to be the groom standing in front of him on their wedding day - hearing the vows that he carefully prepared using his utmost caring and fondness, to be the man Jaehyun proudly saying “I do” to.
Jaehyun wished for Doyoung to be the first person he saw when he opened his eyes in the morning, when he returned home from a tiring day at work, when he woke up terrified from a disturbing nightmare.
Jaehyun wished for Doyoung to continue being with him on this amazing journey that they had been sharing since forever, to continue being the love of his life, the sunshine that brightened his world, the remedy that healed his soul, the remaining pieces to his shattered heart.
A world without Doyoung would be meaningless, leaving Jaehyun aimless like a lost ship without the lighthouse.
A world without Doyoung would be the worst among the worst nightmares.
So Jaehyun chose to not think about it.
***
The fourth time Jaehyun heard the question, he was forced to give an answer.
“Code blue code blue! Someone page doctor Moon! We need help here!” Nurse Kang yelled. “Sir, we need you to leave!”
“Is he going to be alright? Is my Doyoung going to be alright?” Jaehyun shook the nurse’s arm, tears streaming down his face. “Please tell me he’s going to be alright!”
“Mr. Jeong, we need you to leave right now! Sooyoung please take him to the waiting room,”
“No I want to stay-”
“Sir please come with me!” Nurse Park grabbed Jaehyun’s shoulder. “We will try our best to make sure he’s ok.”
The people in the hospital’s waiting room can be categorized into two groups. Those with the last spark of hope on their face, waiting for the miracle to happen, and those that had completely given up.
Jaehyun was unsure which group he belonged to.
A young lady turned to him. “My husband got into a car accident. A guy was drunk driving.”
“I’m so sorry to hear that, I hope he’s alright.” Jaehyun replied.
“He’s still in the OR right now. It feels like I’ve been waiting for ages-” the lady broke down in tears, “I don't know what to do without him.”
Jaehyun remained silent.
“What about you? What would you do if one day you woke up and you realized your partner is now, forever gone?”
Jaehyun inhaled. “I guess I have no choice but to just, keep on living? I’m sure he would've wanted that. But it's not going to be easy-” he breathed out, “how can living without half of your soul missing be easy?”
***
The fifth time Jaehyun heard this question, it was him asking. Alone.
Standing in front of the cold gravestone, Jaehyun recalled the question that Doyoung once loved asking him.
“What would you do if I wasn't here anymore?”
He looked up to the sky. “I don’t know, Doyoung. I don’t know.”