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Changmin wasn't the type to lose focus when he's dancing most especially when he's teaching at the same time, but right now he thinks he's so foolish. He's so foolish for stopping, almost losing his balance when he glimpses at the mirror and sees a figure he hasn't seen in so long.
His hair wasn't the silky and straight ones his fingers used to smoothly play with, they were now permed, and they covered the eyebrows he loved to pluck before. The fashion style wasn't the same as well, they weren't the old-fashioned overalls in which Changmin used to tug the suspenders to pull him closer to him. Not the same smell of strawberry soap on his body, it was more of a strong scent of men's perfume he completely despises. He wasn't the same lover he used to have, probably even someone else's for he was holding the hand of a child.
The child looked like him, much to Changmin's dismay. But he was quite relieved he started a family of his own, living happily these days, unlike Changmin who was still hung up on him, who would lock himself in his room, call Chanhee and Younghoon for drinks every twenty-fifth of the month. He's always been foolish for loving the same man for the past eight years. And he hates it. He hates it that it only took one look at him, and the six years of efforts of forgetting him were all crushed and dumped into a bin like the sole rose he gave him before when they weren't together yet, both confused teenagers.
But Changmin was always a good teacher so he removed his eyes from that side of the mirror and focused on the children he was teaching instead. He sighs in satisfaction when they learned the new choreography easily despite him staring into space for a few minutes, one child even approached him to ask if he was okay. He wanted to say that he wasn't but the child knew, maybe too much, as he glared at Changmin's ex-lover at the back and gave Changmin a piece of chocolate in hopes of cheering him up. The dance teacher laughs at this and thanks his student for the kind gesture.
His ex-lover was on his phone half of the time but also talked to the child with him from time to time, pointing at the kids during practice. Changmin figured the child wanted to join the class so he walks near them, his heart was beating fast and he felt like breaking down on the spot, but he's twenty-five and not the emotional teenager he used to be so he sucks it up and decides to be professional. The two noticed a figure walking in their direction and looked up.
It was the child who first reacted, bowing and saying a little hello but Changmin noticed the widening of eyes and the slight opening of his same pouty lips he used to kiss on the dusty rooftop first. Changmin wanted to hug him so badly until he crushed his bones or hit him hard on the face for leaving him abruptly in the middle of summer. But he could only force a little smile and bow.
"Are you joining my class, little one?"
"Yes!" The child enthusiastically replies.
Yet the guardian still never said a thing, Changmin thought he was going to burst if he kept on looking at him the same way he used to years ago in their bedroom floor, papers and textbooks all over the place, and before he could snap he patiently called him out, "Mr. Kim Sunwoo?"
Sunwoo blinks and awkwardly chuckles, rubbing his neck to make the ill at ease situation he was in a tad less embarrassing. Changmin faces the little child and tells him to join the other kids in their little freestyle dancing sessions while he talks to his guardian. The child does what he was told and makes friends in an instant, leaving the two alone in the corner of the studio. Changmin crosses his arms and tries making his expression softer to not come out as rude.
"Mr. Kim, I will need to ask you for proof of payment of the fees before he fully participates in class tomorrow." Changmin brings his palm in front, asking for the receipt, and he's not that blind to not notice the quick hand of Sunwoo's reaching to hold his but retracting it right after. He raises his eyebrow at this, after all, whenever Changmin used to do this in the past, it was natural for Sunwoo to hold it as they skipped towards the arcade after class. Seems like old habits never die, even if they were the first to let go.
He grabs a piece of folded paper from his pants and hands it over to Changmin, accidentally brushing his fingers on his palm. Changmin luckily wasn't sensitive to touch and didn't flinch at the stroke but it still sent shivers down his spine, and butterflies in his stomach, always the same way as before. Changmin gives him quick reminders of the rules in the dance studio without pausing so Sunwoo won't interrupt him with whatever he has to say if there was any.
"Changmin."
Thankfully Changmin turned his back just in time so he wouldn't see the way he closed his eyes, how the veins in his neck popped, and the tiny wound forming in his lips from biting it. "Yeah?" He manages to utter.
"Let's catch up again someday."
He said those words like it was nothing, Changmin loathes it a lot. Like he never left him all alone in the beach resort they stayed at for four days, like he never whispered we're 4lyfers softly into his ears, like he never promised to him that when they turn twenty-five they'll surely get a unit and move in together. He said those words too easily like he never made Changmin into an emotional wreck for years.
Changmin gives him a small nod and continues with his job. Masking his heavy heart with a smile for his students, paying no attention to the memory he thought he already left in the past.
"I wanna kill that... That fucking asshole."
Changmin cries out for the fifth time tonight and Chanhee also rubs his back for the hundredth time today, whether it's because he was crying or vomiting, consoling his best friend even though his wrist was already about to fall off. It wasn't the twenty-fifth of the month yet Changmin asked him and Younghoon for drinks and he knew something was up. Still, he never said a thing about what really happened and just kept on throwing out profanities. Both Younghoon and Chanhee knew whom he was pertaining to but this time his sobs were much louder and more painful than the usuals. This makes Chanhee frown.
"Will you tell us what happened?" Chanhee asks, softly as possible, to not rile up Changmin.
Changmin faces him sniffing, his snot almost reaching his top lip and Younghoon rushes to get a tissue and wipes away the snot. His eyes were bloodshot red, and his voice was almost hoarse from wailing. Changmin tells them what happened awhile ago in between sobs and hiccups, taking a shot of soju when he feels he's going to break down again then finishing the storytelling with a loud and fuck you Kim Sunwoo! Pretty loud his voice cracked.
"I feel awful," Changmin whispers and buries his head in the crook of Chanhee's neck, and hugs Younghoon's arm as well. They both tell him that Sunwoo's definitely the awful one in this whole situation and they would definitely go out and punch him if they allow him to. Changmin almost ecstatically agrees, but atleast he feels remorse to not let his friends beat him up, unlike him who never even explained after all these years. He tells them to just forget about it and he'll be fine in a few days or so.
Chanhee and Younghoon made sure Changmin slept peacefully before they went back to their unit, they cooked him some soup for tomorrow morning and placed a sticky note beside it saying that he just needs to heat it and it will be fine. The three of them have been friends since they entered university and they have been looking out for Changmin ever since, they both don't have any idea what's Sunwoo like nor what happened before since Changmin refused to give details, nevertheless, they know that he's someone ruthless enough to make the bubbly Changmin go into crying sessions at night.
Changmin still woke up in the middle of the night, his heart heavy.
The memories he buried somewhere deep in his mind slowly crept back, haunting him over and over again. It was currently three in the morning and he was slowly killed by the smile— the genuine, gummy smile he loved to witness everytime he cracks a joke along with the eyes that turned into crescents and he would lean in to kiss him, and what's worse is that they were still the same, the only thing that didn't change in him.
His place in Changmin's heart never changed either. And Changmin hates it so much, to see him doing fine, and he's here in his unit looking like and feeling like a piece of shit. He envies him and his stone heart, and he feels like small talk would solve everything.
—
"Changmin! Did you see that?"
Sunwoo yells from afar. Changmin breaks his eyes away from the textbook and gazes at his boyfriend running around the ballfield with his ball, smiling at him. Classes have ended and a few students decided to litter around for awhile while others went back to the dorm to study for the upcoming finals.
"Yeah! Good job!" Changmin says, half-heartedly, and forces out a little smile then goes back to reading his textbook. Sunwoo, instead of being happy about the compliment, frowns because there was nothing to compliment about since all he did was just stand under the orange clouds. Changmin never paid attention to what he was doing and he felt upset.
They have always been the coolest and cutest couple in the whole school, according to his friend Eric, and Sunwoo agrees. They go on ice cream and arcade dates during weekends, sometimes they would jump off the wall of the school to cut classes and play in PC cafes and get dinner at some local diner, every moment they spent together was fun and was always worth it. But their relationship has been quite stagnant these days.
Changmin was busy studying for the finals and they have never gone on dates nor eaten some meals at the diner in so long. He never paid attention to him anymore, like the rumored ghost in the bathroom stall. Changmin was never afraid of such ghosts and it was like he was not afraid of losing Sunwoo either.
Sunwoo sits beside Changmin and places his chin on top of his shoulder, reading the little texts explaining why the earth has this and that. "Changmin-ah, can't even spare a glance at me?" He asks in this tone that he often used when doing aegyo, letting out a pout and hoping Changmin would notice the not-so-feigned sadness he was showing. But things never went Sunwoo's way as Changmin closed his book a little bit too fast followed by a heavy and loud sigh.
"Sunwoo, can you let me study? Just this once please?"
They both went back to the dorms and it was a good thing they were roommates or else they wouldn't have sorted out this argument much earlier. Changmin was now resting his head on top of Sunwoo's shoulder, but he could hardly hear the beating of his heart. He tells Sunwoo that he was sorry for suddenly snapping at him but Sunwoo says that it was fine and that he understands what he's going through.
"They won't let me major in dance if I don't get good scores in the finals," Changmin reveals. His parents weren't that supportive of him dancing as they ought to make him go for a professional path, but they decided to give him a chance by giving conditions and that is, getting good scores. Changmin was determined to achieve it as he never imagined himself not dancing anymore in the future, he wanted it as his job. Sunwoo kisses his head lightly, "I know you can do it. I'll give you the space you need." He says and pats his hair, Changmin looks up at him with his eyes watery, he feels guilty for hurting Sunwoo but he also had to do this for his future. "But in one condition."
"A condition again?"
The younger one laughs and hugs his boyfriend closer.
"Let's go on a trip after this, alright?"
—
Changmin heats the soup Chanhee and Younghoon left. It was already noon time and there was nothing inside his stomach but alcohol. He went back to sleep around five in the morning because he was still troubled by thoughts and memories. Since he's going to teach a class today then he's definitely seeing him again because of his child. It's not like he could skip the day just for the sole reason of that annoying face of his, and so life goes on for Changmin. He still had to survive anyway.
He languidly lays on his couch as he waits for the clock to strike two o'clock, an hour before the dance class starts. He was just staring at the tall buildings and the blue summer sky when all of the sudden his phone's alien notification sound breaks the silence in his lonely unit. He checked his messages and an unknown number was displayed in the spam section.
hey
i got your number from juyeon
in case ure wondering
...alright
who are u lol
changmin its me
sunwoo
Changmin didn't hesitate to press the block button immediately. He throws his phone on the floor and breathes heavily. He's not ready to talk to him yet, and he certainly doesn't want it to be through messages, he wants to see him personally. Face to face. He wanted to scream at him why why why. He wanted to express his grief properly and a hundred reasons why he should stay away from him.
He checks the screen of his phone again if ever he missed anything, but luckily there wasn't. Only the clock shocks Changmin when he realizes it was already a quarter till three pm and he's rushing towards his shoe rack to catch the bus as soon as possible.
But when he arrived at the bus station, the bus had just departed. He could have chased it but it was already full, leaving him panting at the bus stop. He quickly texts Eric if he could pick him up but after a few seconds, Changmin doesn't receive any reply. Changmin starts to panic and paces around the sidewalk but after not more than a minute, a car stops right in front of him and he sees a little child in the back seat and a familiar figure in the driver's seat.
As much as he hates the idea of being in the same space with Sunwoo, he didn't have a choice since he was already running late to his class. The ride was silent and awkward, Changmin didn't want to meet his eyes so he just kept his eyes on the scenery as they passed by. He certainly felt Sunwoo looking at him from time to time but he resists the urge to snap at him.
"Keep your eyes on the road, will you?" Changmin gives a little warning. If Sunwoo keeps this up then they would certainly meet their end right now, he feels bad for the child as well. Sunwoo just chuckles at this, the same old deep voice. And Changmin wanted to end it all. Really. "Alright."
They were engulfed with silence once again until they reached the building where Changmin teaches at. Sunwoo lets the child go into the building first, leaving him and Changmin alone, seeing Changmin not moving an inch, he knew he had also been waiting for this. No one spoke, Changmin was still avoiding looking at Sunwoo, and they continued to sit in silence for a few seconds until Sunwoo decided to break it.
"How have you been?"
Now that was Changmin's last straw. He whipped his head in disbelief, looking at Sunwoo like he just saw the most disgusting thing he has ever seen in his entire life. Sunwoo was quite taken aback at this. He's never seen this expression on his face, when he sprained his ankle, when he got a fever, when he witnessed him doing silly actions, Changmin has always kept a smile on his face. This expression was just different from the others. But Sunwoo knew he was to blame.
"How have I been? You dare ask me this after leaving me alone on a beach kilometers away from my house? And I had to ask locals if they have seen you anywhere— I was worried Sunwoo! Then I never received anything from you— a call, a message, a simple sign that you were okay or atleast an explanation on why you left, nothing Sunwoo, nothing!"
Changmin says, breathless, hair disheveled, his cheeks tear stained. He was a wreck once again, a wreck in front of the person who caused him to be like this. Sunwoo just sat in silence, yet his eyes were sad, and Changmin's lips quiver at this because he's so weak when it comes to seeing him in pain as well. Sunwoo used to have those round, boba-like eyes but right now they were nothing like it at all. Still, Changmin proceeds with what he has to say.
"You left me without saying anything, and everyday I asked myself what could I have possibly done wrong for you to disappear like dust. You hurt me, Sunwoo. I don't want to hear that from you ever again. "
Changmin says the last sentence like a whisper, and unbuckles himself from the seat, pausing for awhile when he hears Sunwoo mutter a soft and low I'm sorry but it was loud enough to reach Changmin's ears and pierce his heart. He shuts the car's door and rushes into the building, not looking back at his ex-lover.
He kind of regret pouring out everything he had to say which resulted in not getting an explanation for everything that happened. But he also felt relieved, the words that he kept inside for six long years were finally out from his chest and the weight on his shoulders was lifted, yet the stinging pain on his heart remained.
Luckily, he was able to teach the class at ease, and Sunwoo wasn't seen anywhere in the building. Changmin was fixing his things in his duffel bag when suddenly Sunwoo's child approached him. "Mr. Ji, do you know Sunu?" He says Sunu in such an adorable tone Changmin wanted to keep him in his pocket and give him all the candy in the world. He squats down to be at level with the child, "Yeah. I know him. For a long time already." He says with a little smile.
The child's expression brightens and he jumps, Changmin is in awe. "So you must be the Ji Changmin he talks about." This is where Changmin's smile falters, suddenly so many questions cross his mind— Sunwoo still thinks and talks about him and to this child.
"He talks about me… to you?" His voice trails off as he looks down at the floor, looking at his reflection while fighting back strong emotions slowly surging into his body. The child nods with sparkles in his eyes, "All the time! He—" He was cut off when Eric suddenly appears, he rushes and covers the little boy's mouth. Eric was also a dance instructor but he teaches teenagers in the other room. He comes to Changmin's class to help out too, especially that children are quite hard to handle. They've had deep conversations at times and whenever Changmin mentions Sunwoo, he'll always change the topic to something else and Changmin doesn't bother to question why, and rather he's quite thankful for it.
"Little boy, your brother has been waiting for you downstairs. You better go there in five or else Sunwoo's not taking you to the ice cream parlor, hm?" They both see the scared expression in the child's face and both giggle, Changmin gets distracted with the very adorable little one he forgot the main issue.
"Wait. Brother?"
"What? You thought it was his son?"
Changmin's face flushes at this and Eric sighs, hands on his hips. "You know what? We need to talk." He says and drags Changmin to the nearest cafe.
—
And finally, the finals ended and Changmin got his desired results. As promised, Sunwoo takes him on a trip, both as a congratulatory gift and a breather, since he was very pressured before finals week. They were on the way to this beach resort where they'll stay for four days. Sunwoo makes sure Changmin enjoys all of the days before he goes on with something important in his life, he was afraid of it since it was a fifty-fifty chance, and he wanted to see Changmin's smile in case it's the last time.
On the first day, they were still quite tired from traveling so they slept the whole morning until three pm. The beach resort had stalls and whatnot, so they ate to their heart's content, trying every stall that was parked. In the evening, some jazz band played while people were having their meals, making acquaintances, or just simply spending quality time with their partners. They were accompanied by the chill breeze of the beach and the beautiful fairy lights coiled around the coconut trees. Sunwoo just watched Changmin happily eat the entire time.
The second day was the best for Changmin. They visited a lot of tourist spots and they took a lot of pictures as well. They spot chipmunks and raccoons and the both of them get so excited and decide to look for more just to say hi. They reached this famous cliff, a dating spot for couples, and fortunately, not a lot of people were in the area and Changmin and Sunwoo had the whole cliff to themselves. They sat on the soft grass along with the little daisies. Sunwoo picks one from the ground and places it on Changmin's ear, smiling fondly at him. They stayed until the sunset, the beautiful mix of the orange and pink skies reflected on Changmin's beautiful pair as well. Sunwoo found the scene too wonderful, and he thinks his end might be too soon because he's too lucky to witness this.
The third day was probably the most memorable to them. The whole day was spent on the beach, basking in the bright sun and shivering from the slightly cold water. Changmin buried Sunwoo in the sand and laid on top of him, hungrily kissing his lips while his hands full of sand were on both sides of Sunwoo's cheeks. Sunwoo breaks free from the sand and wraps his arms around Changmin's waist, pulling him closer to him. They break the kiss when the wave washes against them and they choke on the salty water. Changmin first broke into a burst of laughter while gurgling, then followed by Sunwoo, who found his lover's actions so dear.
Things always had to end. But this wasn't the end Changmin had wanted, because when he woke up from his deep sleep, Sunwoo wasn't beside him anymore. He searched and searched for him, and even asked the locals. Sunwoo couldn't be contacted either. He tried contacting Eric but his phone was turned off. He never knew where his house was either since they only stayed at the dorms, Changmin didn't know where to go, his search was limited. So he returns to his home, bringing only himself and his heavy heart. Since that day, Changmin locked himself in his room and spent the rest of the summer in a stupor, his eyes stinging and his body weak, not knowing what to do anymore.
—
"I'm glad you know you have a lot of explaining to do," Changmin says sluggishly as he pokes holes into his strawberry cake. "Chanhee's gonna kill you if he sees th—" Eric teasingly says but immediately shuts his mouth when Changmin glares at him, tightening his grip on the fork and the screeching sound of the fork against the saucer starts.
Eric sighs and looks pitifully at Changmin. "You deserve to know what really happened. So I'm telling you." Changmin furrows his brows at this, "You know?" Eric rolls his eyes and drastically says of course! Earning a smack on the arm from Changmin.
"I'm not sure if you knew, but Sunwoo had a heart condition—"
"Eric! What are you saying? He— he never said a thing to me." Changmin hurriedly says, panicking in his seat, and stands up in disbelief. Eric gestures to him to sit down and breathe for a moment. Changmin's eyes were widened and tears threatened to pour again from his eyes, he was three times as broken this time. He couldn't believe what he just heard and he wanted to scream and curse at himself.
"He told me that when you went on a trip, you fell sick on the third night. Sunwoo rushed to get medicine from a nearby pharmacy but then his heart started to hurt and he fell from his motorcycle as he fainted. He was rushed to the hospital right away and they performed surgery on him, replacing his heart with a new one. His parents never knew about the both of you and they couldn't contact you, I was about to, believe me, but Sunwoo stopped me with the little strength he had left."
Changmin's tears fell as he covered his face with his palm, small sobs coming out from his mouth after hearing what Eric had to say. Now the pain was five times worse, he felt awful as ever. He regrets not listening to Sunwoo, completely shutting him off, believing that what Sunwoo did was intentional and he hated him. And things turned out to not be that way. It was completely different from what he had expected. Eric rubs Changmin's arm to console him.
"Changmin, he didn't leave you with bad feelings. He— Sunwoo loves you. Always will." Just as Eric tells him those words, his phone lights up and he sees a message from Sunwoo saying, can we talk? And he looked out the cafe's window and Sunwoo's car was already parked there. Changmin glances at Eric and the younger one gives him a nod, telling him to not miss this chance to connect again and clarify things.
He grabs his coat and rushes to Sunwoo's car.
The ride was silent, only the cold gushing wind and Changmin's heavy breathing were heard. No one dared to talk as they ought to save it for later. Changmin had no idea where they were heading to but as it has been quite a few minutes since Sunwoo started driving, it must be far away. It was quite late already so Changmin couldn't see the surroundings clearly but they were greeted by stairs. Sunwoo walks first and he follows, carefully studying the place.
As they reach the top, Changmin's breathing stops. Realizing where they are, he faces Sunwoo, bewildered. Sunwoo gives him a small smile and gestures to him to sit beside him, which Changmin does willingly. They were at the cliff again, the one they went to six years ago. The skies weren't pink and orange, instead, they were dark but filled with stars and they reflected perfectly in Changmin's eyes. Sunwoo lets out a bigger smile, finding this sight as beautiful as the last one.
"Why didn't you tell me?" Changmin asks, looking down on the forest below them.
"Sunwoo, why? You were hospitalized because of me! I'm clearly the one to bl—"
"This is why. You were definitely going to blame yourself, and you're not to blame, Changmin-ah. It was bound to happen. Few days before the incident, my heart was already weak but I decided to spend time with you because my surgery was already scheduled. I was afraid." Sunwoo says and places a dandelion on Changmin's ear, caressing his cheek with a bitter smile on his face, his eyes frowning as well. Changmin didn't want to see anymore of that so he pulled Sunwoo into a tight hug and broke down in the embrace.
"I'm sorry, I really am. I'm still an asshole for not telling you anything and all but—" Sunwoo pulls away from the embrace and takes Changmin's hand on his, rubbing his cheek against the back of his palm then aligns his palm on his chest. He looked into Changmin's starry and teary eyes.
"Though it has been replaced, it still beats for the same person. It still beats for you."
He lets Changmin touch his chest, gripping his hands tightly. Changmin's tears fall harder at this and he moves his free hand to pull him into an embrace again, "I'm going to hug you. Or else you'll run away." Sunwoo chuckles and hugs him back, leaning his head against Changmin's, breathing in the smell of his strawberry shampoo.
"I want to repay you. So will you let me?"
"It's quite easy to repay me. Just be my lover and never be away from me. Again."
Sunwoo's tears also fall at this, slowly running his fingers through Changmin's hair and pulling him into a deep kiss, tasting the sweet taste of strawberry cake and feeling the soft pair of lips Changmin has, something he missed dearly. Changmin kisses him back, deepening it even more by moving closer to him, exploring every inch of Sunwoo's mouth as their lips move in sync as if they were made for each other.
Changmin rests his forehead on Sunwoo's and smiles at him, the widest he has done in such a long time. Sunwoo does the same and intertwines his and Changmin's fingers, and they continue indulging themselves in the feeling of having the most important people in their lives back. The night was cold yet their hearts, embraces, and hands were warm.
"Remember our promise? When we turn twenty-five, we move in together."
"Yeah?"
"I'll help you pack your stuff tomorrow."
Changmin snorts and buries his head on Sunwoo's shoulder, "Okay."