Work Text:
here is the deepest secret nobody knows
here is the root of the root
and the bud of the bud
and the sky of the sky of a tree called life;
which grows higher than soul can hope or mind can hide
and this is the wonder that's keeping the stars apart
I carry your heart(i carry it in my heart)
- excerpt from the poem I Carry Your Heart by EE Cummings
——————————————————
“Such a hero.” She says with annoyance, with a hint of frustration, trying to find a reason to be angry so she doesn’t fall apart.
Yelena takes another long swig straight from the bottle.
“You were such a hero.” She laughs. Still fighting off the urge to dwell too deeply. If she lets a tear fall. Just one. They won’t stop. How could they stop?
She deserved more than this! Than this ending! They both did. Is that selfish? Who cares? They deserved more than this. More than just 5 years of connection. More than 10, more than 20.
Fuck.
They’ve been through enough, they deserved a lifetime in return.
“She deserved a lifetime” She whispers to herself, the only one in the room, the only one in the building. Alone. I guess she prefers it that way.
Is that not how the world works? Is there no balance?
That woman is on the news again. “Sacrafice” this. “Hero” that. Blah Blah Blah.
Pictures of Natasha sit next to Stark’s on the screen.
She takes another sip, turning off the tv. “How did that woman even find me here?” She looks to the puppy on the floor. He was supposed to be a surprise for Natasha, she never found the time to tell her, and no there is no time.
After the Blip, Nat let her stay in the safe-house in America. It wasn’t far from where she worked. But she never had the time to visit. She worked hard. Natasha worked really hard.
She called one day. “If Americans knock on your door. Don’t fight.”
“What? You want me to lay down and take it?! I'd rather go back to Russia”
“This isn’t a joke.”
She could feel the static air of silence on the line and sense the importance. She didn’t joke any further.
“Okay I won’t… Are we in trouble?”
“No. No one is in trouble. Forget it.” Natasha cleared her throat, shaking away something Yelena didn’t recognize. Hesitation? Fear? “I love you.”
“…Love you too.” She smiled, not wanting to question her words, not wanting to overthink a phone call. It was just a phone call right?
Then why did it feel like goodbye? Natasha didn’t end calls like this. The spy was a softie on the inside, sure, but not a cliche, not a sap.
“I love you.” The words echo in her mind.
She didn’t say that often. Why didn’t she tell her this would be the last time?
Maria? Hill? Was that her name? Two soldiers in fancy outfits and an agent. A so called “friend of your sister's” knocked on her door not a day later.
Ah. The Americans Natasha spoke of.
Yelena didn’t fight.
She knew in an instant.
An instant both all too brief and far too long. This moment that exists inside itself. This moment of wanting an answer and wanting to slam the door and live in ignorant peace. She didn’t want to know what they were about to tell her. That another part of her small family is dead.
The words were thick like water. And Yelena was drowning. She could see their faces and mouths move but not hear the sounds. It was a dream. A nightmare. Not reality.
“There’s a service planned.“
“Please leave.” She uttered.
“Yelena. Natasha would have wanted you-”
“Natasha wouldn’t want a service!” She bit.
“She was an Avenger, the world-“
“She was more than an avenger to me!” Tears spilled over without her consent. “She was my-“ she took a shallow breath, and she couldn’t get the words out. “I don’t expect you to understand.”
“Yelena. I think-“
“Leave.” And she slammed the door.
She was more than an Avenger . She takes another sip of vodka. Sip may be an understatement. It’s not enough. Funny that she thinks it could be.
They liked to pretend it could be. Tash would even sip whiskey. Yelena couldn't stand the stuff. Truth be told it would take more than a shelf of anything to get drunk, or feel it all for that matter. Thats what the Red Room did to you, took the fun out of even Vodka.
Did her team know that? Did her "friend" know that? Were there parties and nights out when Natasha had to pretend?
“ She didn’t have to pretend with me .”
In the minutes of blissful remembrance. Of their time in Ohio, of their reunion. Yelena smiles. But happy thoughts bring sad thoughts to the mind. Thoughts of what can no longer exist, not even in wishes.
Stupid things like shopping together, flying, visiting eachoher. Stupid normal things that she can’t have anymore. Not with the person she wants.
“She had to go die for me instead- instead of living for me. That was always the hard part for her wasn’t it?”
The bottle is empty. And there is nothing left to distract her from the thoughts that break through her mind.
That was always the hard part. Dying is easy for the good guys, it’s the reason for living that's hard. And the reason for being alive always seems to be that they live so they can die.
God she was always fighting. And you can’t fight forever. But you don't have to.
Was I not a reason to live? To be selfish?! To choose yourself over the goddamn world for once?? To choose me?
“I needed you here!” She throws the bottle, and it shatters on the ground.
Pieces of the bottle scatter across the floor. “Fuck.” She leans over to pick it up. But falls to her knees in some sort of surrender. Her life shattered before her like glass. “I needed. You. Here.”
She wipes away her tears. “But you chose the world. Of course you did. You're an Avenger.”
But the good guys die young don't they? And in a world of aliens, soldiers, monsters and immortals. It had to be Natasha, my sister, my family, my hero.