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Soobin entered the dorm late that night. The day somehow dragged out longer than usual. Even the usual was long already. This day was particularly rainy and drowsy, grey clouds blanketed the sky and it seemed to slow down time. Every step taken was being dragged through water. By the time Soobin entered the dorm, most of the country was asleep. The dorm was humming with silence, and the moonlight was seeping through the kitchen window, dimly illuminating the room.
Soobin looked liked a wreck, honestly. His hair, his eyes, his figure. Everything seemed tired. And inside, everything was worse.
Soobin opened the door quietly and slowly to not wake the others. He slopped down the duffel bag that weighted his shoulders as he let out a shaky sigh. Everyday was getting harder and harder. Everyday he had to go through being a second choice, being put off, made functioning more difficult. Soobin walked over to the refrigerator to maybe eat something. His stomach had other ideas. Soobin was so frustrated. Nothing was working. He wasn’t eating right. He hasn’t been drinking enough water, and definitely not getting enough sleep.
Soobin slowly closed the refrigerator with tears of frustration clouding his vision. He turned around and slid down the refrigerator until he was sitting on the floor. His face was in his hands begging himself not to cry. He made it this long. He made it 1 month without crying to Taehyun. And 3 with Kai. He can’t start now. It’s been a week and 2 days since he had a full conversation with him, not that he’s counting. But he needed Kai. There was a stupid joke of who followed who. And as much as he has claimed it’s Kai, Soobin knew it was himself. It was him who called out to Kai everyday, to walk to the practice room, to go get lunch, to do a vlive. Soobin felt so desperate. All the time. Sure Kai came to him when he couldn’t fall asleep. But Soobin needed Kai much more. But he didn’t want to be a burden. Plus Kai liked the other members more anyways. Cause who would favor Soobin.
Soobin’s shoulders started to shake. His best friend, his gum. He couldn’t burden him. Kai deserved better than that. His sweet maknae. He shouldn’t need to help with Soobin’s problems. Soobin just hasn’t gotten used to it yet. Yeah. But if he couldn’t get used to it now, would he ever? God, he felt so useless. He couldn’t even function on his own.
Suddenly there was a dim light flooding the dark kitchen, and behind it was Kai. Kai in Soobin’s sweatshirt, with pj bottoms and tear stained cheeks. Tobin was held in his arms. When their eyes met, Kai’s lower lip wobbled.
“Binnie hyung?” Kai whispered, slowly coming closer.
“Hueningie” Soobin croaked out. Soobin started to stand up. “Why are you still up?”
“Couldn’t sleep. It’s been happening a lot. But you’re never in your room.” Kai shyly looked away, cuddling Tobin.
“Oh, I’m sorry Ning. I’ll be there tomorrow, okay? No need to worry.”
“Soobin hyung, you haven’t been talking to me lately. What’s going on?
“Oh it’s nothing Ning-“
“Cut the bullshit Soobin. Obviously somethings going on...” Ning started to tear up. “I just don’t know what I did wrong.”
That’s when Soobin knew, he really messed up. Soobin rushes into Hueningkai as he drops Tobin. He crushes him into a hug.
“Oh Ning, you didn’t do anything. It’s my fault. I’m sorry.”
“But why have you ignoring me? I d-didn’t do anything.” Kai started to cry and dropped his head onto Soobin’s shoulders. “And I need you hyung. and you haven’t been there so I can’t get any sleep. And I worry about you so much that I can’t eat. And I just wish you could forgive m-me.”
Soobin felt his stomach drop. He was hurting Kai. Kai was getting zero sleep and zero food just because Soobin was a dumbass.
“Oh Ning, Hyuka. You didn’t do anything. You’ve never done anything. This is all my fault. If I had known this was affecting you like this, then I would’ve stopped. But I didn’t and I’m such a dumbass. I caused you to starve and to be sleep deprived and you don’t deserve any of that. All you deserve is happiness and sleep and food and laughter and love. And god I ruined everything. You deserve better than me, Hyuka. You deserve everything.”
And then... something clicked. As Soobin was rambling off those words, he realized that Hueningkai was his air, his water, his happiness, his dreams. Soobin looked at his tear streaked face that he caused. And everything made sense. He looked into Kai’s eyes and he knew that for the rest of his life, as a friend or more, he needed to see them. Soobin knew that he loved Kai. More than any person he ever even had a crush on before.
“Binnie hyung, you didn’t answer my question. Why did you do it? I just need to know.”
“Cause I-I love you Kai. More than a friend. And I’m stupid and dumb. And I thought that if I told you my problems and everything then I would be a burden. And I love you so goddamn much that the last thing I’d want is to cause you stress because of me. But look what I did. I caused you stress and starvation and sleep loss. And I probably just lost this friendship as well. But... I-I just-“
Kai pulled away from the hug and looked into Soobin’s eyes. He wiped a tear from soobin’s cheek and left his hand rested there.
“You are never a burden, Soobin. You never were and you never will be.”
Soobin let out a shaky breath and leaned into Kai’s hand.
“And although you made a stupid decision, you aren’t stupid or dumb. And for the record, I love you too.”
“More-“
“Yes, more than a friend. Why else would I be wearing your sweatshirt right now when I have like 50 of my own? And name a giant rabbit plushy after you? And not sleep without you? And-“
“I know you’re having your big confession, Kai, but can I kiss you?”
Kai blushed and looked up at Soobin.
“Yeah.”