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sometimes jiwan wonders if it was just a figment of her imagination that sol’s eyes flickered down to her lips at times.
other times a single touch that lasted just a few seconds too long had her head swirling with ideas.
but of course it was just her and her mind.
especially when jiwan had been too caught up in the taller girl’s beauty and couldn’t help to point in out, reaching closer in awe.
it took all she had to pull her hand away, instead of closing the small gap.
she had to, despite how her body screamed at her every time ever since the first time.
but it continuously got harder.
years after years of jiwan slowly coming to the realization that her feelings towards sol were very different from the others.
for it to click that she may have fallen for her best friend.
to see sol smiling goofily at her with that familiar pack of gummies in hand and find out, “oh.”
“i like you.”
and then the following years where effects sol had on her worsened to the point where jiwan wasn’t sure what to do anymore.
“i love you.”
she tried to deal with it, though.
through her own means.
it pained jiwan for sol to bring up her little dates. the dates that didn’t matter to her.
call her twisted, but they were only a futile attempt at getting her mind off of sol, to try and forget how sol would often make her breathless and aching for something more.
it could be wrong to say they never meant anything and never would.
but she always ended up in the arms of one certain person at the end of the day.
it was a cycle for jiwan, a cycle in which she ended up losing anyways.
a cycle that was bound to end eventually, whenever that time came.
yet these thoughts disappeared for the night as jiwan sat in a circle with her friends, watching an empty soju bottle spin. especially after she had drunken herself to oblivion.
the bottle spun around and around, everyone chanting loudly in excitement and waving their arms wildly. jiwan held her breath as she watched, until it finally came to stop right between her and sehun, the bottom pointing at sol.
a kind of giddiness filled her and she shoved sehun away, making the boy topple over with a yelp.
“it’s me,” jiwan’s bubbly voice rang out as she started to move forward on her hands and knees.
“sol,” she would call out through her drunken haze, slowly making her way as she crawled towards the girl staring with widened eyes at her.
all of their friends could be heard cheering and yelling in the background, being loud as they usually were. yet the noise faded in jiwan’s ears as her only focus was right in front of her, only a few feet away.
to the only person that mattered to her.
it was too daring, too risky of an action, but jiwan let the buzz of alcohol take over the rational part of her brain as she puffed up her cheeks with a dreamy grin on her lips and approached sol, eyelids drooping.
but what was she really expecting?
sol was quick to grab her drink and down the whole cup in one go, immediately halting jiwan in her tracks.
the burn of rejection.
sol was right there, so close that jiwan could easily reach out and touch her. but it felt impossible, something she could never dream of reaching in her lifetime.
and even in her state, she felt the familiar dreaded sinking feeling, only for her to ignore it as best as she could and cover with a playful pout and whine.
a crack.
it hurt inside.
it only got worse when she saw sol get up and grab her jacket to leave, stating she was going outside for a smoke.
jiwan watched the taller girl’s quickly retreating figure until she was no longer visible and a door click followed shortly after.
was it really that uncomfortable for her?
jiwan moved her gaze back to her lap, where her hands lay, clenched in frustration.
it was her fault again, wasn’t it?
jiwan regretted it, but one look to her side and she fought back the scowl meaning to be directed at a certain boy.
sehun nudged her, “look what you did.”
it made her grit her teeth together.
‘stop.’
jiwan had liked sehun, she had no problem with him after all. that was until she found out that he harbored feelings for sol and was trying to make a move on her, something that she was unable to do throughout the years of knowing the girl.
bzztbzztbzzt.
jiwan glanced over at where sol had previously been sitting.
in her rush to get away from jiwan, sol had left her phone and it was now ringing from a call by someone’s name that jiwan didn’t recognize as she snatched it off the ground.
her brows furrowed together, meeting in a crease.
there was an uncomfortable churning in the pit of her stomach.
who was juhyeok?
another person to be scared of?
jiwan was left to wallow in her spiraling thoughts until sol came walking back in, to which she hurriedly got up from her seat and padded over, arms that were outstretched easily caught by the taller girl.
she tried to make it casual, asking the questions.
it backfired.
“you don’t.”
jiwan wanted to laugh, her whole expression falling down.
nevertheless, she faked a smile.
you really like to hurt me, sol.
it was even worse when told with a smile. as if unaware of the effect.
another crack.
but it wasn’t anyone’s fault other than her own. she was just too much of a coward to do anything.
as usual.
“it’s cold outside.”
why, oh why, must you make me feel like this?
you make it seem so easy, hurting me.
sol stepped closer to wrap the shorter korean with her jacket, slipping the material over her shoulders where it rested.
“thank you,” jiwan quietly mumbled under her breath, her eyes quickly flicking up to meet sol’s then back down.
she desperately needed a smoke.
and so she stepped outside with the others the moment sol brushed past her with her hand squeezing her arm lightly, hoping to free her mind from the chaos of her thoughts and lighten her mood up.
she sat there, pulling sol’s jacket up, getting enveloped in the warmth it offered to her against the cold air.
but of course she had to be seated next to sehun once again, as if it wasn’t bad enough.
he just wouldn’t stop bugging her.
“i don’t want to tell you.”
jiwan ignored the way bitna was looking at her, as if she knew that something was up.
was she that obvious?
jiwan rolled her eyes in annoyance, her fist clenched even tighter and just glared ahead at nothing.
her heart was continuously cracking, especially with each interaction with sol.
and she was scared there would be a limit, a point where she couldn’t take it anymore and her heart would crumble at a single touch.
jiwan was fated to have her heart broken or lose sol to another.
she didn’t know which was worse.
little lies escaped her and soon she was forced to go back inside to nabi’s apartment.
jiwan’s mood had only plummeted throughout the night after every single new “problem” that had arisen. things that she couldn’t really control anymore. and she needed a break from it all.
she pretended her eyes weren’t stinging from the unshed tears building up from within.
jiwan shut the door softly and immediately felt her heart jump into her throat when sol suddenly appeared around the corner of the little hallway, almost colliding.
jiwan’s eyes widened and she paused in her walk.
“hey,” sol smiled at her.
god, her heart.
“hey, sol,” jiwan tried not to let her voice waver. she needed to leave now.
sol frowned, taking a step closer. “are you okay?”
of course sol would notice, she always did somehow.
the shorter girl opened her mouth in response, yet nothing came out.
what’s wrong with me?
“you know you can tell me anything, right?”
you’d be disgusted.
“yeah,” jiwan finally forced a smile, her words weak.
“i just, i ca-“ sol pursed her lips, cutting herself off.
“i worry sometimes.”
please don’t.
“i know,” jiwan’s voice cracked at the end.
deciding she wasn’t going to get any further, sol opened her arms for a hug.
because sometimes actions spoke louder than words.
and in the case of jiwan, they almost always did.
a reassuring gaze and the gentlest smile as if she were afraid to scare jiwan away.
just one step and she’d be in the arms of sol, that’s all it took.
yet, that’s not what she did.
jiwan stood there, fighting the swirl of emotions building up in her.
the alcohol, the anger, the frustration, the annoyance, the jealousy, now the adrenaline.
and then her biggest mistake.
everything spilled out, and jiwan couldn’t stop herself from taking the step forward, one that was different from all the others, her eyes flashing with something unrecognizable as she grabbed a fistful of sol’s shirt before yanking the girl down to her, crashing their lips together in a whole mess of things.
she couldn’t hold herself back this time.
there was a growing burning sensation in her chest and jiwan didn’t know if it was a good feeling or not.
eyes clenched shut as she poured all of her heart and feelings into a single kiss, all the while sol was frozen still.
can you feel it?
all of her adoration, longing, and pure love for sol to be condensed into one action, one moment that would forever be engraved into her memory. perhaps a new kind of torture to look back on when everything was gone.
jiwan’s heart was finally in pieces at the lack of response.
she had enough.
yet still needed more.
her grip on sol’s shirt loosened, and she lightly pushed the taller girl away from her.
jiwan couldn’t take it.
parting from the girl who held all of her heart, all of the broken shards of what once was, her jaw tightened. her chin crumpled as she tried her hardest to not let the tears fall, because that would be when she really lost everything.
her head was downcasted, hand still lightly pressed against the front of sol’s shirt.
jiwan couldn’t bring herself to look sol in the eyes, too scared to find the pure disgust that was surely directed at her now.
she had to get away before all the puppet strings snapped away from her being. to leave only an empty shell behind.
but just as she started to fully pull away, letting her hand drop back down to her side, jiwan felt a hand curl around the nape of her neck and pull her back to reconnect their lips once again, only allowing her a sharp intake of breath.
her quiet gasp was immediately swallowed up, unable to escape into the open air, as sol’s nose nudged against hers in the close proximity.
it was her turn to pause as her mind raced to try and process what was happening.
soft lips pressing and moving against her own as a hand cupped her face gently, delicately , making jiwan lean into the touch.
sol was kissing her.
jiwan suddenly felt a new kind of warmth bloom in her chest, spreading throughout her body to even the tips of her fingers.
the shorter girl tilted her head, deepening the kiss further. her head was hazy and jumbled up in a good way , her arms looping around the other’s waist to eliminate any remaining space.
closer closer closer closer.
jiwan could feel everything that was told in sol’s kiss, understood the girl’s assurance, reciprocation , to her and more.
and her heart was pounding.
a single nip at her bottom lip sent her knees buckling, a shot of burning fire exploding in her body.
it was so much, but not enough.
jiwan finally pulled away, eyes dilated and chest heaving desperately for needed air, eyes staring into the dark brown orbs gazing back at her.
it was silent for a moment, aside from the heavy pants, while jiwan’s mind screamed internally, until the corners of sol’s lips slowly tugged upward into an embarrassed smile.
overwhelming .
that’s all it took before jiwan’s arms suddenly brought sol closer into a tight hug, the shorter girl’s head tucking perfectly into the crook of sol’s neck.
sol let out a shuddering breath, while jiwan inhaled in an attempt to calm her nerves.
jiwan could feel sol’s heart racing against her chest at the same pace as her own and she bit her lip, trying to contain the smile threatening to break out.
jiwan’s cheeks were ablaze and she was glad that sol was unable to see her then as she burrowed her face further, inhaling the calming scent that was yoon sol.
she had never felt more comfortable with sol’s arms wrapped around her, holding her.
“come on,” sol stepped back to lead them to lay onto the bed.
their legs were tangled together under the covers.
jiwan’s arm curled around sol’s side, their hands clasped together with fingers intertwined with one another to fill in the gaps between.
sol’s other arm acted as a pillow for jiwan, her hand twisted to play with the shorter girl’s hair, running through the soft locks.
“sol.”
the silence around them was peaceful and comforting.
sol hummed quietly, voice drowsy with sleep. “yeah.”
“i love you.”
and jiwan held her breath.
sol leaned over and pressed a slow, soft kiss onto jiwan’s forehead. the latter’s eyes fluttered shut at the touch, melting at the action.
“i love you, too.”
a little sigh.
“i have for a while now, jiwan.”