Archive of Our Own

When Yerim rushes into Jaehyun's room in the morning, her face is fraught with worry and she shakes his shoulder despite the fact he is trying to get up. 

"What is it, Yerim?" 

Yerim doesn't have the usual water bowl to wash up with, Jaehyun can start putting the clues together that something is wrong, but with his father gone there isn't a clear answer what he is supposed to do about any problems. 

"The guards found an intruder, young master," Yerim says with all the wrong sorts of emphasis. Jaehyun absolutely is not the person to deal with these matters. Though his father is away to receive the County Gunsu for an inspection of some sort, his mother is still home to look after the household. 

"What does my mother say about the intruder? Has she called the town guards?" 

Yerim shakes her head, eyes briefly squeezing shut before she grips Jaehyun's wrist tightly. "I overheard them behind my room and I stopped them before they could fetch the Lady. The intruder was asking for you, young master. I think it might be the clown." 

Jaehyun feels all the blood in his body rise to his head and drain to his extremities within a single heartbeat. There are undoubtedly many clowns wandering through the country, though not many of them would know about the son of a town's councilman. 

Whilst Jaehyun is clumsy and uncoordinated first thing in the morning, Yerim is good enough to fetch him a dopo to layer over his underclothes and she helps him to slip on his shoes before they scurry to the storehouse where the clown has been detained. 

At home, and everywhere else too if anybody were to ask, Jaehyun is hardly known for being firm and responsible. He studies and he plays with friends and he will eventually take his place in local government the way he was born to. He is somewhat spoiled and the friends who are children of merchants and traders love to point that out to him. Jaehyun doesn't tend to agree with them until it comes to occasions like this where he can't even bring himself to look the guards in the eye as he insists that he can deal with this matter in place of his parents. Of course nobody believes him but Yerim does her bit in trying to convince the guards to let him into the storehouse without alerting any of the servants who might do something awful and tell Jaehyun's mother about this. 

Naturally, the storehouse is dark and Jaehyun takes careful footsteps, his feet skidding against the floorboards. As a child he'd enjoyed hiding amongst the tall shelving and the stacked sacks of rice. He has since outgrown the hiding places which were most useful but a small part of him wishes to hide now. He flinches at a particularly loud creak and it draws the attention of the man sitting lax against a huge jar of grain. The clown lifts his head to look at Jaehyun and he smiles. Even with the scant light filtering through the narrow windows set high into the storehouse walls, Jaehyun can see the ferrous glistening of cuts and scabs along with the dirt crusted onto the man's face. 

"You came," the clown says, dry voice cracking as it is carried on his laboured breaths. He winces and beckons for Jaehyun to come closer. Jaehyun can't move. He stays where he is, standing between two rows of shelves filled with cases and boxes of all the spices and tools the servants would need. 

Seeing Jaehyun's reluctance to approach, the clown sighs and allows his face to crease with pain for just a moment between the matted strands of hair falling loose from his sangtu topknot. He coughs, winces again, and almost moves to get up before he thinks better of it. 

Jaehyun had thought, and hoped more recently, never to see this clown again. He paid for his time and held the man and before being able to tend to the bruising to his ego they parted ways. The clown returning and apparently seeing fit to associate himself with Jaehyun is a problem that is better off being avoided. 

"Why are you here?" Jaehyun asks bluntly. 

"Would you believe me if I said that I missed you?" 

"Obviously not," Jaehyun glowers. This man quite clearly is here for some reason other than just wanting to see Jaehyun's face. In fact he had been adamant about the fact he wouldn't ever miss Jaehyun right after he said something stupid and immediately before Jaehyun was fumbling through his chagrin for coins to pay the clown. 

The clown tries to laugh and fails as he holds his arms more tightly around his middle and curls in on himself. 

"Are you hurt?" Jaehyun asks. For a while the clown says nothing but he does sit up straighter and shakes his head at Jaehyun. 

"Not at all. I'm fine. I actually came to ask for a favour." 

"What could you possibly expect from me?" Jaehyun asks. He tries his best to sound like the man of high birth he is but judging by the clown's countenance he sounds a lot more like the inexperienced fool who had sought out an entertainer and expected affection. 

"Money," the clown replies, direct to the point. He licks his cracked lips and adds, "Not for nothing, of course. I'll let you do whatever you want to me. I just need some money." 

"Aren't you a prostitute?" Jaehyun asks. "Surely there are plenty of other people who will let you earn some coins." 

Through the concentrated pain, the wry glimmer in the clown's eyes is unmistakable. He asks, "like this?" 

The clown can barely gesture to himself but he is in a bad state. He is far more dirty and tattered than the first time they met. Still loath to get any closer and see just how bad the clown's situation is, Jaehyun asks, "What makes you think that I'd want you at all if nobody else does?" 

"Because you said that you loved me, my lord." 

Heat prickles across every pore of Jaehyun’s skin rapidly enough that he is surprised not to see needles of blood escaping his body when he glances at his hands. Of course it is impossible to escape the memories of a foolish man. He'd said one stupid thing and destroyed his chances of peace. 

"I obviously didn't mean it," Jaehyun grumbles. "It was the heat of the moment." 

"I'll do anything you want so that you can have another moment like that," the clown vows. "Please, my lord. I just need something to take back to the rest of the troupe so that we can afford to move on to another town." 

Here is a man, lower than dirt as far as anyone else is concerned, trying to make a deal with an aristocrat. 

Jaehyun doesn't understand it. "What happened to make you desperate enough to come to me? You think that because I said something stupid once that I would take pity on you and want to hold you when you're as filthy as a dog with mange?" 

The clown looks away from Jaehyun, gaze softly turned towards the bloodstained straw sandals on his own feet. He takes a shuddering breath, one which finally sounds like it takes everything he has just to draw in much-needed air through the lips flaking with skin and blood. "I can't—" 

"I need to fetch some water," Jaehyun announces. He turns on his heel and exits the storehouse, immediately latching onto Yerim's arm the way she had to him that morning. Though wary of walking away, she does as she is asked and goes to fetch water so that the clown can have something to drink. 

Awkwardly, Jaehyun uses his toe to nudge pebbles and small rocks on the ground. He doesn't particularly want to return to the clown on his own in case he says something stupid again but it is only when one of his father's hired guards scuffs their foot on the ground that Jaehyun realised that being out here in the dry sunlight is no better. 

"Are you going to help him?" The guard asks. Jaehyun thinks it is unfair to be asked this question, especially by someone who is twice as broad as Jaehyun could ever hope to be. He doesn't know the correct answer to this question and he would rather not be scolded by someone who is here because his father pays them. 

"I don't know," Jaehyun says quietly. "Would you?" 

"I think that I would have to help if a lover came to me looking like that." 

"Lover?" Jaehyun squawks louder than he means to. Obviously the other guard hears that and wordlessly decides to patrol or find someone to gossip with. Whether anybody else hears is uncertain and Jaehyun tries to look as noble as intimidating as his father always does. "Did he tell you that?" 

"No," the guard says, "I just remember him from a few weeks ago."

That is unfortunate and enough to make up Jaehyun's mind about not helping the clown. Jaehyun opens and closes his mouth a few times though he already knows before he speaks that he is doomed to sounding pathetic. "You must be remembering wrong." 

"Whether I am incorrect in recalling you being foolish enough to bring home a prostitute or not, young master, this man knows your name and the name of your father and he knows where you live."

Jaehyun knew beforehand that he was bound to lose, even against someone from the Jungin class a step below him. He scratches his ear and pretends to look out for Yerim. She is taking an awfully long time and Jaehyun is fairly certain he isn't simply being impatient. 

"Could you please tell Yerim to come inside once she returns?" Jaehyun asks. The guard nods, short and sharp, before his eyes slide away as though he hadn't been looking at anything worth seeing. Jaehyun cannot tell whether it is discretion or disrespect but he will take whatever it is as he slips back into the storehouse and strides to stand over the clown. 

Slowly, the clown turns his head up to look at Jaehyun. 

"How dare you come here?" Jaehyun asks. "What gives you the right to speak my name and my father's name when you refused to tell me yours, clown?" 

The clown exhales, a heavy sound which fugs dully from his chapped and split lips. "Desperation," he says, "obviously. You were just confused, but all I had was the hope that a man who could speak of love to a lowly whore might be generous enough to use my services once more." 

"The fact that you can be sarcastic at a time like this proves that you don't need my help at all," Jaehyun says. The stare that the clown gives him is long but Jaehyun wills himself not to look away until the clown does. 

"I will leave." 

It takes a few moments of watching the man struggle to his knees for Jaehyun to realise why that is a bad idea. "Now? In broad daylight?" 

Jaehyun grips the clown's arms and pushes him against the wall. He gives in easily, crumpling and folding back to the ground. It isn't because of any push and pull. Jaehyun still remembers the feel of this man from a few weeks prior. He has fallen this easily against his will. The clown grunts against the wooden floorboards as he attempts to force himself up, shattered pride in his injured glare. 

"I can't wait until night to leave, my lord." 

"But what if someone sees you?" Jaehyun hisses. 

"It is better that someone sees me leave than someone sees the magistrate bringing the town guards to drag me out of here," the clown grunts, voice quieting and failing with each word. 

Cautiously, Jaehyun crouches before the clown. "What do you mean? Why would that happen?" 

The clown shakes his head, hair and skin scraping against the wooden floor whilst he screws his face up in pain. He can't speak, only groans making it through his gritted teeth. 

"I'll get some help, alright. Stay here," Jaehyun instructs redundantly. He rushes out of the storehouse and grasps the wrist of the guard standing watch. "Where is Yerim?" 

"She hasn't been back," the guard notes. 

"Can you fetch her, please?" The guard looks unimpressed with Jaehyun's request so Jaehyun adds, "I will also need your help. We need to get him out of here. He's sick." 

"Sick?" The guard asks, a single eyebrow raised. "I believe he has been attacked, young master." 

"I can see that," Jaehyun grumbles. "His wounds must be serious. We must take him to a physician immediately."

The guard's expression finally softens and he heads towards the front of the house. He returns with Yerim a short while later, helping her to carry bundles of silk and a wide-brimmed heukrip hat with the beads trailing carelessly over his arm. 

"What are you doing?" Jaehyun asks. 

"Junyoung said that we should go to see a physician. You're not yet dressed and I thought it better to make everyone look presentable." 

Jaehyun nods, only half appreciating Yerim's flimsy code when there isn't really anyone else around. It takes him a beat too long to realise that Junyoung is the name of the guard carrying some of Yerim's load, though he isn't certain who should take the blame for the lack of proper introductions since the guards Jaehyun remembered retired or moved onto more exciting military posts. 

Inside the storehouse Jaehyun doesn't try too hard to dress himself. Usually Yerim helps him to make sure that all of the layers fall properly but she is preoccupied, instructing Junyoung the guard how to manoeuvre the crying clown so that she can dress him well enough to convince people that he isn't from the class of untouchables. 

For all the efforts of his maid and the guard, Jaehyun doesn't check to see whether anyone is paying attention to the four of them as they rush across the town, slipping between the houses and weaving a path through the milling crowds at the markets until they reach the physician's clinic. Despite carrying the clown on his back all this way, Junyoung still has enough energy to shout for someone to see to them in the yard of the clinic. 

A young man answers the call, rushing out of the main building. Just from the way he stares at Junyoung it is obvious that he is hardly paying enough attention to be of any use. Jaehyun considers giving up, running back home with his coins and leaving the clown to fend for himself, but Yerim and Junyoung look too invested in this situation to let it end now. 

It is alright for them; neither of them have been visited by the fading memory of a person best forgotten. Right now, Jaehyun wants to be nasty, to free himself of responsibility by pointing out that he was born to soar and the clown was born to become the dirt Jaehyun stepped on should he tire of continuously staring at the brilliance of his life. 

Jaehyun wishes he could be nasty but even if he didn't have the threat of the guard and the maid collaborating on an explanation they know nothing about, he wouldn't be able to run away forever. After vowing to hate the man who laughed at his naivety, Jaehyun had found his mind wandering back to the clown who showed him a small and dirty part of the world he'd shied away from until now. 

He steps behind Junyoung and trails his index finger along the silk encasing the limp arm of the clown. This is the finery the clown had never any legitimate claim to, but before they had ever properly met, Jaehyun had wondered what life would be like if he shared his silk with the clown, if they could hold each other in the privacy of a home and Jaehyun could take his time to slip silk away from the man who had taken his fancy so insistently. 

Holding his breath, Jaehyun reaches for the clown's hand. And he misses his chance. Junyoung, and Yerim, follow the young man who greeted them around the back of the physician's clinic, a small and bare building, towards a cluster of smaller sheds much like the storehouses at home but narrower. Jaehyun follows them into the nearest of the small sheds, following the clown he had hoped never to see again, and is immediately stopped inside by a woman with appraisal in her eyes. 

Jaehyun doesn't see why he should be stopped whilst Junyoung places the clown onto a mat on the floor and Yerim can kneel beside the clown to offer the comforting pressure of her hand on his shoulder. Jaehyun knows the clown far better than anyone else. He shouldn't be the only one held back. 

"Can I help you?" Jaehyun asks whilst trying to look around the woman. 

"Yes," the woman says, voice quiet as though she is concerned about being overheard despite the grumbling and groaning of the clown. "What happened to that man?" 

"I don't know." 

The woman doesn't look at all impressed. "The physician needs to know as much information as possible in order to diagnose the problem. As you can see, this isn't a condition which you should have left your friend to recover from alone. We would appreciate your honesty." 

Jaehyun drags his eyes away from the clown as the man who led them in here brushes past to leave the shed. The woman's gaze sharpens in the candlelight. She isn't searching for guilt, whether it be the guilt of an aggressor or the guilt of someone haunted by a travelling entertainer. 

"I really do not know what happened to this man. We haven't seen each other for a while. He was like this when he came to my home this morning." 

Disappointment mists over the woman's expression and she purses her lips. "Alright. You'll have to hope that the physician has seen something like this before." 

Jaehyun does hope for the physician to know exactly how to treat the clown. He nods to the woman. "I brought coins. No matter how much it costs, please tell the physician that I can afford whatever he needs."

The woman ushers Jaehyun towards the mat on the floor where the clown is writhing in pain. Jaehyun kneels beside the clown, though he isn't sure what he could do to help. The clown's hands are screwed into fists against his stomach and Jaehyun wonders whether the clown would even think of him as a nuisance in this moment if he reached out and offered the meagre comfort he could give. 

"You're so generous, young master," Yerim says with a small smile. "I am sure that the clown will appreciate this." 

Jaehyun can only hope that the clown lives to be grateful. He glances at the guard, wondering whether he will have anything to say about this. He doesn't, far more concerned about the clown. He isn't even concerned about the gunk trailing from his shoulder. 

"What is that?" Jaehyun asks, gesturing at the guard's shoulder. Junyoung glances up at him and shrugs. 

"The clown vomited before we arrived." 

The woman at the door rushes over and starts touching the clown's neck and his wrists. She presses the clown's chest and stomach and he groans loudly as he folds in on himself. 

"Please step back," the woman instructs. "The physician will need space to look at him." 

The physician appears, following the young man who had disappeared before. Between the two of them they are carrying a bowl of water, a book, and a tray of various cloths and implements and Jaehyun only has a moment to fret about what any of this could be used for before he is ejected from the little shed along with Yerim and Junyoung. The door is left ajar but Jaehyun doesn't feel close enough after everything he has been through emotionally today. 

The physician is a man who is old enough that Jaehyun has confidence in his skills. He must have been saving lives before Jaehyun took his first breath. Yerim holds his hand tightly and they watch on through the crack in the door as the physician completes his assessment. The physician talks to the woman and the young man continuously. Jaehyun doesn't have a clue what any of it means.  

"Yerim, will he be alright?" Jaehyun whispers. 

"I don't know," Yerim admits. "I am sure the physician will tell us soon." 

Jaehyun doesn't feel so certain, but he tries to be patient. He feels far less patient when Junyoung breaks his stern stoicism to inform him that some of the clown's wounds are riddled with maggots. Jaehyun only manages to stop himself from leaping into the room and plucking out every last maggot by reminding himself of how useless he really would be. Despite his thoughts and intentions he would only shrivel up in disgust in just the way he has been raised to. 

The physician's clinic encroaches on a bustling street on one side of the grounds and it looks over the blank silence of a static forest on the other. Attention drawn from one extreme to another, Jaehyun can't quite find himself amongst the stagnant chaos. 

Eventually the woman reappears in the doorway and Jaehyun can't help but reach for her wrist to stop her. 

"What is happening?" He asks. "Will the clown be alright?" 

The wide-eyed surprise isn't what Jaehyun expected. Jaehyun looks down. The tray in the woman's arms is filled with bloody rags. He doesn't know what to think but he doubts it was anything good. He lets the woman go. He doesn't want to hear bad news about the clown. He can't. 

The woman rushes away and it isn't until she has rounded the corner that he realises that Junyoung the guard is holding him up. 

"Please wait until we know more," he says quietly. "The blood will look fresh whilst being cleaned up." 

Jaehyun tries to nod, though he isn't certain he looks convincing. The look Yerim gives him confirms that he is giving his companions something to worry about but he doesn't know how he could appear more sturdy — at least sturdy enough for Junyoung to let him try to stand alone. 

For the time being, Jaehyun tries not to ask any questions of the woman as she hurries to and from the main building, eventually remaining at the clinic to see to other people in need of care. This is no better for his patience. 

"I'll fetch you something to drink," Yerim says after a while. She grips Jaehyun's hand and squeezes before pulling away. 

When Yerim brings a jug of water and some cups, Jaehyun can hardly swallow any water. The wetness at his lips only heightens the straining dryness of his throat and the trembling of his hands only ends up slopping water over his front. 

"In a few days," the guard says, "you'll be able to complain to the clown about how he made you sit on the floor like a common cheonmin, young master." 

Jaehyun glances up and sees the gentle expression on the man's face. He looks like he could be a friend to someone. Yerim offers a rag from her apron to mop up the spill over the silk and when Jaehyun looks away from the help, he sees the same kindness on her face. Pity. He's being pitied. 

"What reason do you have to say something like this to me?" Jaehyun asks the guard. 

"The reason I have to say this, is that you need reassurance," he says, confirming the pity. "You shouldn't worry too much about the clown. You did everything that you needed to. He is being taken care of. He wouldn't want you to be concerned like this." 

Jaehyun would disagree. Perhaps the clown wasn't aware of the extent of his injuries, but he wanted something from Jaehyun. Whatever he wanted from Jaehyun would only be his because of concern. 

"He wants me to worry," Jaehyun says. He can't stop worrying, but he appreciates the fact that Junyoung had made an attempt to comfort him. "If I am not to worry, should I even be here?" 

"Young master," Yerim says, voice earnest and eyes wide, "we will wait with you as long as you need us. Let me help you to have a drink of water." 

Yerim pours a fresh drink and holds it up to Jaehyun's mouth. A second later, Jaehyun hears a new sound from inside the small hut. He doesn't need water right now. He scrambles to his feet in time for the physician and his assistant to step into the daylight. 

"Is the clown going to live?" Jaehyun asks. Yerim clasps her hand with his and allows him to squeeze tightly. 

The physician makes a gesture towards the assistant and says, "Can I trust this to you now that you know the situation?" A small nod is all the physician needs before he is happy enough to stride away. It doesn't look like a good sign.

"Where is the physician going? Could you not save my— Please. Is the clown going to live?" 

"You will still need to pay if he dies," the assistant says. 

Jaehyun rushes inside the shed. The clown is still lying on the floor where the guard placed him. Just like earlier in the storehouse at home, Jaehyun is almost reluctant to approach. He needs to approach. He needs to be brave. 

On his knees beside the clown, Jaehyun feels like a fool. He stares at the man, uncertain whether he is even breathing. Reaching out to feel for the steady puffs of air which come with each breath is a step too far for Jaehyun. Not feeling anything at all would confirm too much that Jaehyun isn't prepared for. He settles for slipping his hand around the clenched fist nearest to him. The clown's chest is bare and his wounds have been dressed. 

"Clown," Jaehyun whispers as he squeezes the clown's hand more tightly. His voice cracks on the word alone and he knows that he won't get through this without his words drowning in his idiocy. "Shame overtook me this morning. I feared being discovered. I was surprised, that is all, clown. I meant none of it. You mean far more to me than a dog with…" 

Jaehyun sniffs back the signs of his own pitiful stupidity. He steadies his breath as best he can before he tries to speak once more. "Maggots, clown? What happened to you? Are you dying? After you hurt me already, appearing and leaving just as recklessly as a typhoon, how can you come here to die?" 

A creak in the doorway makes Jaehyun flinch. The woman from before stands awkwardly with the bright light of the day behind her. Even with her face under the veil of shadows, flickering candlelight reveals the conscious decision to force one step inside the shed and then another. She places her tray on the clown's other side and couches in the narrow space between the clown and the wall. The assortment of tools is equally as impossible to understand as before and Jaehyun dreads to think what sharp sticks and woolly-looking mound inside the dish could be used for. The thought of someone stuffing the clown and sewing him shut weighs in Jaehyun's gut sourly. 

"What that man said before. I will pay whether or not the clown survives, however I cannot look kindly on people who won't even attempt to—" 

"My lord," the woman says in a clipped tone which brooks no further words or empty threats, "we do our utmost to provide the best treatments to all who seek our help. Please refrain from casting doubt on physician Lee or any who work under him." 

Jaehyun nods grimly and keeps his mouth shut. Though he would like to forget the comment from before as careless insensitivity, the thought of these people doing all that they can to save the clown is worse. Should the clown succumb to the festering wounds even after the care of the physician, reason would dictate that there wasn't ever a chance of survival in the first place. 

When Jaehyun first saw the clown, he was overflowing with life; laughing and dancing around as just one of the vast number which made up the clown troupe. Even Jaehyun was excited by the distance sounds of drums and cheers and discordant music shimmering over the gold-soaked hillsides outside of the town. The approach of the clowns indicated a sweetness in the air which swelled to the drunkenness of fruit-flies once the council agreed to take the clowns in for a short while. 

As fleeting as the happiness was intended to be, Jaehyun relaxed into the same lethargy as the common people. The clowns didn't put on their performances for people like Jaehyun. The yangban aristocracy were mostly the punchlines of jokes: corruption and ineptitude of men born into titles and wealth were a common theme throughout all of the clown troupes Jaehyun had seen pass through, though he thought himself decidedly different to the yangban being made fun of. The cities attracted the worst sorts, especially where the throne was concerned, and Jaehyun found provincial matters to be solved with more transparency than the deception and mental battles for glory. 

Because Jaehyun had fooled himself into thinking that he was different, he had fooled himself into thinking that he was welcome to watch the clowns perform. As songs and stories went, this troupe weren't anything special, however a flash of brilliance is all a person needs to see to realise that something greater than being exists. 

The lightning in the bruised static of a churning storm, Jaehyun spotted a man so beautiful that his image was branded across Jaehyun's eyes. Rather than one of the stars, this clown sat as one of the ensemble playing their instruments and promoting the crowd reactions. Jaehyun couldn't react, not even when the clown's eyes met his. For the briefest of moments, they saw one another. For the briefest of moments, Jaehyun's head filled with every question he was capable of formulating. The knowledge he craved was infinite and the clown was allowing all streams of possibility to spill out of his mouth. Before Jaehyun was ready, the moment ended and the clown moved along to looking at other spectators. 

Sweating through his embarrassment and surrounded by jeers and laughter and the rolling clouds above, Jaehyun learnt that a gaze could touch a person more deliberately than the weight of hands. 

Blistering with curiosity, Jaehyun noticed other men approach the clown. Many of the clowns were approached and Jaehyun had heard from his father that the people of the town invited clowns into their homes to offer a place to stay. Jaehyun couldn't invite a clown home. His class meant that he couldn't very well do the same thing as the common people. He would have to rethink his approach. 

The clown troupe remaining in the town for several days felt like a stroke of luck. Jaehyun did find a way to approach the clown, walking up to him casually and starting a conversation. He walked away again quite quickly, burning all over with the realisation that the clown was expecting something else. Jaehyun hadn't expected it at all but it was the very thing he needed to prepare himself for so that he could find some time with the clown. 

The next day the troupe put on another performance and Jaehyun was prepared. He hadn't slept well, the night spent with sun-soaked images of the clown whispering sweet nothings to him, but he wasn't going to let tiredness get in his way. Despite all that he knew, ended up taking the clown home. He sneaked the clown into the storehouse and was relieved that he could pay for the clown's time properly. 

The clown might have laughed when Jaehyun confessed to the true reasons he wanted to speak to him but now he isn't laughing at all.

As the woman pushes needles into the clown's torso and spoons tiny piles of the dry, greyish substance in deliberate places, Jaehyun keeps gripping the clown's hand. The clown groans quietly and flinches as pain licks him and Jaehyun holds the clown's hand tighter. He can tell that the woman needs quiet so that she can concentrate but he also cannot tell what any of this is for. 

"May I ask what you are doing?" 

The woman firmly pushes another long needle into the clown's chest to stand around one of his wounds. She takes another needle and lights the end in the flame of the candle. 

"Moxibustion," she explains. "Have you heard of the ancient Kingdom of Old Joseon?" 

"Yes," Jaehyun says, though he doesn't quite understand what relevance that has. 

"Acupuncture and moxibustion were given as gifts from the heavens when one of the first kingdoms was set up. This treatment is good enough for the gods, so I should think it is good enough for your friend." 

The woman lights the tips of the needles and the mounds and glances up at Jaehyun with a small smile. 

"What is it?" 

"I thought that might cheer you up. You do not look any happier." 

Jaehyun looks down at the clown. It is easier this way, he thinks. "When will this treatment take effect?" 

"The ground mugwort and the needles will help to direct the heat around his body," the woman says. "The wounds are severely infected. Had he sought the help of a physician sooner, he would not be suffering like this. The infection and the dying flesh inside the wounds makes it difficult to tell how long ago your friend was injured. The longer ago that he was attacked, the more healing that his body needs. I cannot say when you will be able to take him home."

"I can't take him home," Jaehyun says quickly. The woman's eyebrows rise on her forehead and Jaehyun knows that he needs to offer some explanation. "Once he has recovered, we will most likely need to travel somewhere far." 

A pause. The woman stares steadily at him and eventually says, "I see." 

The clown groans, body tensing as he grips Jaehyun's hand tightly. The woman works quickly, damping a cloth and wringing it out to place over the clown's head. As much as the woman does, the clown does not ease. She prepares more needles and asks Jaehyun to leave. 

Jaehyun can't say whether this will be his last chance to see the clown alive but he does as he is told. All that he can do is trust the people who know something about medicine. 

"You plan to leave, young master?" Yerim asks the moment Jaehyun steps into sunlight. Blinking brightness out of his eyes, Jaehyun notices the twin expressions of surprise on the faces of Yerim and the guard. 

"Were you listening?" Jaehyun asks. He knows that it is a stupid question with an obvious answer but he at least needs the confirmation of his foolishness. 

"It is difficult not to overhear, young master, when doors are left open and you speak so loudly." 

"I do not speak loudly," Jaehyun grumbles. 

"I understand," Yerim says with a kind smile and her small hands pressed against his arm. "When you are crying, it can be difficult to speak at the appropriate volume." 

As much as Jaehyun wants to refute the claim, he knows that nobody will let him get away with saying that he never cried. 

"Do not tell my parents or any of the other servants about my plans," Jaehyun says. 

"Will you take me with you?" Yerim asks. Jaehyun doesn't want to answer that. He hardly has the means to survive so having to look after Yerim, even after all of the time spent at his side, is something Jaehyun wouldn't be able to do. 

"The young master doesn't know what he intends to do," the guard says. "It would be safer for you to stay at the house the young master can send for you afterwards." 

Jaehyun can only silently thank the guard for helping him to avoid upsetting his servant right away. The guard doesn't want his gratitude, turning away from him to peer out beyond the fences of the physician's clinic. There is no assistance for the pouting servant girl. 

"What would be the use of you coming if we won't yet have a home?" Jaehyun asks. "I will of course send for you. I will make sure to buy a large house and you will have quarters to yourself with servants of your own."

Yerim clicks her tongue and hits Jaehyun's arm gently. "Who would believe I could become a sangmin just because you say so? You're barely in the yangban class yourself! If you were born just one town over you would be considered jungin, young master, and why would I believe your words. Ah, men these days really will say anything."

Jaehyun frowns at Yerim, noticing that she is at least smiling to herself. It is almost as though she never wanted to come in the first place. 

"You're still here!" 

Jaehyun turns to see the young man who left with the physician earlier now approaching. He makes the most cursory of attempts to be polite but as he begins to speak to Jaehyun, his eyes keep drifting to the side. 

"I should apologise to you for speaking so bluntly," the man says. "Mentioning that your friend might die when you are so distressed is not good care."

"He's not my friend," Junyoung the guard says before gesturing to Jaehyun. 

The man nods, "Of course. My apologies, my lord." 

"How much will I have to pay?" Jaehyun asks. He reaches into his sleeve and retrieves a bag of silver ingots. 

"For the initial investigation and the acupuncture, two mal of rice should suffice."

The price is a lot. It is far more than Jaehyun could sneak away from home without someone reporting the missing sacks to his mother. 

"I can't exchange rice," Jaehyun says, feeling stupidly juvenile after acting so self-assured. Any whispers of a councilman's son visiting the physician is enough gossip to sustain for a week or more. He can only employ discretion, however late it is. "I have coins and silver." 

The young man ponders this for a moment and offers, "You can give us four silvers for now." 

Jaehyun hands over the silver and wishes that he hadn't, only a few moments later when the young man disappears into the hut and reappears. 

"You should return tomorrow." 

"Why?" Jaehyun asks. "I can wait. I will wait for as long as I need to." 

The young man glances towards the open door and shakes his head. "Sooyoung says that you need to rest." 

"Is he dying?" Jaehyun asks. The man doesn't answer the question. 

"Please return tomorrow, my lord." 

The guard pulls on Jaehyun's arm just hard enough to draw his attention. "You haven't eaten today, young master. Let us return after you have rested. You have done everything that you could today. Tomorrow, he may be well enough for you to continue your admonishment." 

*

Jaehyun hadn't hoped for the chance to speak cruelly for the clown whilst at home, however he feels deceived by thoughts of the clown recovering.

Returning to the physician's clinic, Jaehyun is utterly miserable to find the clown unconscious and under the occasional watch of the medical workers. Worse still is how stuffy and crowded the small hut is when Jaehyun sits with the clown the next day. The perfume of singed mugwort lingers despite the ventilation from the open door, and most of Jaehyun's senses are dulled by the vestiges of the aroma which burnt over the clown to help to energise the healing in his blood. 

The sense which works as well as always is Jaehyun's hearing, and he hates it. 

"How many times have you had to fight a bad person?" 

"I suppose that depends on your definition of a bad person," Junyoung the guard says kindly. 

Over the course of the morning, Jaehyun has learnt several things about the physician's assistant who annoyed him the day before. The man is called Lee Juyeon and he is the physician's son. He loves nothing more than reading and he has found studying his father's profession interesting. He goes on to list just about every single book and journal he has read and all the things he thinks about them before asking Junyoung for his thoughts. 

Junyoung doesn't have many thoughts on subjects he had never read but he is polite enough to respond to all of the things Juyeon has to say. 

With each delighted little laugh or diligent synopsis of a text, Jaehyun's teeth grind together harder. Every time Juyeon asks Junyoung a question and manages to imply there are similarities between them, Jaehyun's hands grip the clown's limp hand more tightly. 

"I have never held a sword before," Juyeon says with his eyes glimmering in the candlelight whilst he smiles smile at Junyoung. "I have played sports and spent my days exercising, but my father always said that I should sharpen my mind before sharpening a sword. Sometimes I wonder what might happen if I were to get into trouble. Might you show me some ways to defend myself?" 

"Please, do," Jaehyun says through his gritted teeth. He doesn't think he deserves the twin expressions of surprise from Juyeon and Junyoung. "He might need those defence skills if he doesn't stop speaking nonsense." 

"It isn't nonsense," Juyeon says brightly, as though he intends to genuinely correct Jaehyun on the matter. "I would like to get to know your family's interesting guard better. He is such a lovely man, you know." 

"Is that right?" Jaehyun asks. The physician's son even begins to respond but Jaehyun doesn't have the patience for this. "Go outside. There is a sick man here and you are disturbing him." 

"Do you not mean that we are disturbing…" the physician's son quiets down as the guard gestures for the two of them to leave together. 

Jaehyun can admit that he is the one being disturbed, however he won't say it aloud. He wants quiet because it is all he can hope for to help the clown to heal. 

Since yesterday, the clown has been cleaned up. The mud and grime and dried blood has been washed away and his matted, tangled hair has been tied away with a cloth. He almost looks like the man who lived in the part of Jaehyun’s mind which loved to dream. 

The clown hasn't even flinched during the time that the physician's son chattered to the guard. Jaehyun wouldn't be able to get any rest with all of the noise, but he wants his turn to make noise before giving the clown the peace and quiet he deserves. He wants to speak to the clown. 

"Clown, when you wake up, I hope you will tell me who did this to you," he says, voice hushed but still loud enough that he is afraid of being overheard. Jaehyun can share his secrets and thoughts with a man who must have come back to return his feelings after all. "I am not a strong person. I cannot protect the things that are precious to me, but I will do enough to repay whatever was done to you." 

The clown doesn't thank Jaehyun, or tell him to be quiet, or anything. The clown lies static on the mat with the flickering candlelight dripping shivering shadows over the furrows in his face. Jaehyun carefully extends one of his hands and gently massages away the bunched up tension in the clown's face. 

"Is this my fault, clown?" Jaehyun asks. "I realised that since you left, I was hurt. You laughed at me for being foolish enough to think that I could love you. I wanted you to know how it felt, to ache the way that I did. But I never wanted anything like this to happen to you. I do not wish for your pain. Even if you call me a fool once more, I will be happy to hear it from your lips."

The clown doesn't react. He remains motionless on the floor of the hut. Jaehyun keeps watching him. 

Whilst the physician's son and Junyoung the guard talk, the woman from yesterday comes into the hut and checks over the clown. She offers brief explanations of her actions whilst she presses her fingers against the clown's neck and wrists and places her palm over his forehead. She wrings out a cloth and lays it over the clown's forehead. 

Jaehyun has wondered since yesterday how the woman can work so independently when it comes to the clown. Today she even writes her findings into a small book as she tells Jaehyun words that he doesn't understand. Instead of admitting that he is utterly lost, he thanks the woman and hopes that she can really help the clown if the physician won't. He keeps quiet as she changes the bandages covering the clown's wounds. 

When Jaehyun returns home at the end of the day, his mother asks where he has been. There is no way Jaehyun will tell her about the clown so he finds the best excuse he can. Kim Younghoon. He is a friend Jaehyun has known all his life and since Jaehyun's sister married Younghoon's brother they are practically related. Jaehyun's mother can hardly ask him not to spend so much time with Younghoon. She accepts the response and asks him to come home earlier. 

The next day, Jaehyun leaves the house earlier. Yerim complains about not having enough time to fetch his clothes or make breakfast before Jaehyun woke up, but she does what she can to make him presentable. 

This time, Jaehyun makes his way to the physician's clinic without anybody accompanying him. This, he learns, is a terrible mistake. 

Jaehyun wants the clown to have quiet so that he can rest and instead the physician's son prattles and titters away about Junyoung the guard. Jaehyun barely responds to any questions about Junyoung. He couldn't answer most of the questions anyway because he doesn't know the man even half as intimately as the physician's son seems to have in less than a day. 

"How can you not know which sort of book the handsome guard would like to read? I brought so many books from home today but now I am concerned that they will all bore him." 

"He was likely only being polite," Jaehyun offers. It doesn't shut the man up. 

"Would he really only say such things to be polite?" The physician's son asks whilst pouting slightly. "Then how should I become close enough that he thinks of more than only being polite?" 

"I do not wish to discuss this with you," Jaehyun says. His voice is firm and one of his fingertips trails along the darkening bandage around the clown's waist. Nobody has come to change the bandages yet and Jaehyun suspects it has something to do with the man crouching beside him. "Would you—"

"You will not have to say anything. I will say everything that I think of and you can let me know when I say something worthwhile." 

"Instead of that, might you show me how to change the clown's bandages?" 

The physician's son gives Jaehyun a curious look and then smiles. "We can do both!" 

Unfortunately for Jaehyun, the physician's son is intent on carving out knowledge about the guard. 

In the afternoon, Jaehyun leaves the clinic earlier than usual. He tells himself that he is leaving for an errand and not simply because of the noise from a man who doesn't appreciate quiet. The walk through the sunny streets is a pleasant one in most circumstances and Jaehyun tries to carry that sense with him as he announces himself at the home of Kim Younghoon. 

Younghoon is handsome to the point of ridiculousness. Jaehyun likes spending time with his friend away from onlookers because he is fun to be around. Occasions when people can see them are when Jaehyun enjoys spending time with Younghoon less. 

Younghoon sits up straighter as they sit in the numaru overlooking the garden. It is cooler to drink tea out here but there is an added benefit for Jaehyun's friend. Younghoon flaps his sleeves several times and poses in ways he assumes make him look handsome. Jaehyun thinks there is a lot to be desired. The two servants pretending to admire the flowers think Younghoon looks very handsome judging by the giggles. 

"You are awful you know," Jaehyun says whilst nursing his tea. Younghoon grins. He loves things like this despite the fact he can't ever muster the courage to speak to anyone who catches his eye. "I came to see you in need, not for this." 

"Have you ever come to me for help before?" Younghoon asks, suddenly serious. A moment later he grins. "Do you need clothes to impress someone?" 

Another gesture and the servants swoon. 

"Are you looking to take a second wife before you have your first?" 

Younghoon snorts into his tea, flailing around for a cloth to dab at his face. The servant girls giggle and Jaehyun wonders how closely they will watch. 

"Might there be any snacks to accompany our drinks? I have not eaten much today." 

Younghoon takes the hint and asks the servants to fetch something sweet and delicious. He narrows his eyes at Jaehyun. 

"Letting people look at me is harmless," Younghoon says. "You should have been born as a daughter so that I wouldn't need to worry about who my father will make me marry." 

"If I was a daughter I wouldn't have been your friend," Jaehyun points out. 

Younghoon looks unconcerned. "We would find a way." 

Jaehyun clicks his tongue. "There are too many people with nonsense in their heads. You know, all morning I have had to listen to the insipid rambling of a jungin man who is unusually taken with one of my family's guards. Why must you spout ridiculous words too?" 

Younghoon looks pensive for a moment but his conclusion appears more concerned than anything. 

"Which guard?" Younghoon asks. "Junyoung?" 

"How do you even know his name?" 

Younghoon hisses. "Who have you been inviting into your home and showing off your handsome guard?" 

"Nobody has been into my home," Jaehyun says. He needs to be careful about what he is saying. He would rather not reveal too much about the clown. "I have been to visit the physician. His son got to know the guard's name quickly too." 

"See to it that he doesn't get to know too much more about Junyoung." 

Jaehyun pours more tea for the two of them and tries to smile. News like this is best delivered with a positive expression. 

"Unfortunately, you will be disappointed. I will need to bring the guard with me when I go to the physician's clinic. I will also be asking a favour of you."

"A favour after you are breaking my heart like this?" Younghoon grumbles. "I cannot help but notice that you didn't bring Junyoung here for me to enjoy him. What do you want?" 

"My family thinks that I have been visiting you for a few days. I hope that you would allow me to let them think that for the foreseeable future."

Younghoon's interest has been piqued but he holds his tongue as a servant brings dried fruit and honey cookies. He thanks the girl, smiles wider as she blushes, and tells her that will be all. Once she has gone, Younghoon offers the yakgwa to Jaehyun. His eyes spark and he smiles. 

"Are you sick?" 

"No." 

Younghoon smiles wider. "So, why are you visiting the physician's clinic? Is it the son?" 

"A patient," Jaehyun admits. He hopes that Younghoon won't push any further but he knows that his friend does want some amount of detail. 

"A patient," Younghoon says, smiling over his cup of tea. "I see. I hope you will tell me more about this patient when the time is right. In return, see to it that I can meet with your guard under serendipitous circumstances some time. I shouldn't think it is fair that he is monopolised by someone he has only just met."

Jaehyun has nothing to do but agree. Asking Junyoung to help with a pretend errand is a small price to pay to protect the small corner of the world afforded to Jaehyun. He will need to think of something to make up for the fact that he plans only to inconvenience the guard in order to protect what privacy he can hope for. 

*

Junyoung doesn't realise why Jaehyun insisted on him coming to the physician's clinic with him instead of Yerim until it is too late. He doesn't complain, though Jaehyun should imagine that he isn't allowed to complain for something which is almost within the scope of his duties. 

Leaving his family's guard outside the hut means that there are no interruptions from the physician's son. 

Jaehyun can do what he does every day: he holds the clown's hand and hopes that he might wake up. His legs numb quickly but he keeps his attention trained on the clown. Today he isn't frowning in his sleep and Jaehyun wants to ask whether the softer expression has been brought about by fairer weather or an improvement in whatever his body is doing to repair his wounds. 

Though Jaehyun knows nothing of medicine, he had optimistically hoped that each day he kneeled at the clown's side would be the day the clown rouses. The image of eyelashes lightly fluttering before batting open to take in the gloom of the hut is one which haunts Jaehyun just as often as the infested wounds as he waits in the dark. He waits and he waits but the clown lies unmoving. Today is no different from the others. Jaehyun pretends to be patient and he tries his hardest to ignore the sound of the physician's son standing outside and trying to appeal to Junyoung. 

At least the woman from a few days ago is the one to change the clown's bandages, Jaehyun thinks. 

"Have some tea." 

Jaehyun looks up at the woman who works with the physician. She kneels on the floor beside him with her tray and pours him some tea. She isn't here to change the clown's bandages after all. Along with the small ceramic cup, she offers a smile. 

"Thank you," he says quietly. He holds the cup in his hands and glances at the clown. "Is he dying?" 

He can't shift his brain from the maggots. Jaehyun has only ever heard of maggots eating dead and rotting meat. 

"If he was dying, would you still be here?" 

Looking at the clown, Jaehyun is relieved that he looks peaceful. He would prefer not to think about the clown dying, but he would still be here if he had to endure the worst case scenario. 

"I would still be here," Jaehyun says quietly. "He doesn't have anyone else right now." 

Rather than asking a question Jaehyun doesn't want to answer, rather than asking how Jaehyun is the only person the clown has, she pours herself a cup of the same tea. 

"You have been coming here every day," she says. "Someone would almost think that you worked here." 

A small part of Jaehyun fears thoughts like that. He has been telling his mother that he has been visiting his friend Kim Younghoon these days and there stands a chance that she will grow suspicious one day. Younghoon is a good friend, and an unfortunate part of the friendship is the fact that their families are friendly because the heads of the households are both councilmen. Jaehyun's lie can very easily be revealed simply by flattening the one fold he has maintained to make his story. Younghoon could forget the lie, or one of Jaehyun’s parents might speak to Younghoon's parents and unravel the spooled secret. 

Bringing Junyoung along with him to distract the physician's son has been useful to guarantee privacy but the arrangement will almost definitely end badly. Jaehyun isn't the person who pays the guard. Jaehyun's father has that luxury and it is doubtful he'd be pleased about paying for the guard to ignore the inept flirting of a fool rather than anything remotely similar to security. 

Dwelling on those thoughts is an activity better saved for when he is alone with the unconscious clown. A long draw of tea drains the little steaming cup but Jaehyun immediately feels soothed by it. The clown is in the best place. Coming to Jaehyun, as awful as it was, will turn out to be for the best. 

"Thank you," Jaehyun tells the woman. "For the tea too, but I mostly wanted to thank you for looking after the clown."

"You are doing as much for him as I am," the woman says with a small smile which is as encouraging as spilled tea in Jaehyun's chest. "An aristocrat watching over a clown is a story rare enough to stand out. Another man in your position might not be as altruistic as you."

"This is not altruism," Jaehyun says. He wouldn't take undeserved praise. His shame and embarrassment were enough that he was ready to turn the clown away. Staying at the man's side now is just as selfish. "He is unable to turn me away in his current state. Should he survive this, there is a chance that the time here is all we have. The same is true if… his future is less favourable." 

The woman smiles gently. "He has responded well to acupuncture. He has stirred a few times but his body must still be clinging onto sleep in the daytime. Perhaps he fears losing a friend like you in his dreams." 

"I am not so vain as to assume he might enjoy my company any more in his dreams," Jaehyun says. He reaches for the small pot and pours himself some tea to cleanse the bitter taste on his tongue. "Has the physician said anything about his condition?" 

The woman shakes her head. "This man had been left in my care." Jaehyun must look mortified because the woman chuckles awkwardly and raises her hands to placate him. "You have my word that I can provide adequate care. The physician is busy but he will be available in the case any issues arise." 

"Will the physician not see him because he's a clown?" 

"No, my lord, it is because I asked to be in charge of the clown's care." 

"Why?" 

"I wish to be able to save people. You know that they have physicians who are women at Hanseong, my lord. Without uinyeo here, there are many women who cannot receive the care they need because the only physicians are men." 

"The clown is a man. He doesn't have a problem like that," Jaehyun points out. He wants to press the issue about the clown not receiving the care of a man everyone several ri away trusts. 

"I must save the life of a man so that a woman might trust me to help her," the woman says firmly. She doesn't want a debate over this. Jaehyun also wouldn't want that, but he doesn't want the clown's survival to be a matter of proving something to others. 

"How am I supposed to trust that you can help the clown?" Jaehyun asks. "If you can bring me tea and comment on the time I have spent here, you must know how important the clown is to me." 

"I understand," the woman says carefully. She carefully places her cup on the soban. She almost fools Jaehyun into thinking that she is entirely steady until he hears the ceramic of the cup rattle in her shaking hand as she puts it down. The woman folds her hands in her lap and her eyes are clear as she looks at Jaehyun. "My lord, should it reassure you, I will offer my life in exchange for the clown's. If he dies, you may kill me." 

The determination in the woman's face is fierce and Jaehyun is irritated with himself for pouring his stagnating doubts from his lips. Taking the life of another person wouldn't make him happy in the instance that the clown dies. 

"What is your name?" Jaehyun asks quietly. "Who would dare say such a thing to me?" 

"My name is Sooyoung of the Ha family." 

"Ha Sooyoung?" Jaehyun asked. There is something familiar about the name. And then realisation strikes the back of Jaehyun’s head. "Is your mother a slave? You are the girl who ran away to become a gisaeng." 

Sooyoung makes an irritated noise from the back of her throat. "I did not run away to become a gisaeng and my mother was not a slave. My mother was a gisaeng. I can never truly be anything other than a gisaeng, but if I can be there for the women when other physicians won't, then I will do whatever I must." 

Jaehyun reaches for his cup to awkwardly sip his tea. His indignance has quickly given way to chagrin. 

"I apologise." 

"There is no need," Sooyoung says. "A secret in exchange for a secret. Now we are even." 

"What is my secret?" Jaehyun asks. Sooyoung gestures wordlessly to the clown. Jaehyun doesn't ask anything further. He would prefer not to be pricked by shame. "Please save the clown for both our sakes." 

 *

Jaehyun's father has returned from visiting a nearby village by the time Jaehyun returns home from the clinic. Jaehyun steadies himself and tries to make his face look like the face of a man who has been visiting a friend. 

He heads to his father's room in the sarangchae at the front of the house. Offering his greetings to his father is just a small duty that Jaehyun can manage after spending all day on his knees beside the unconscious clown. 

"You look well, father. I hope your journey was not too difficult," Jaehyun says before folding into a bow. He kneels up and wonders whether he sounds concerned enough. 

"I would have been better in the knowledge that my home was being protected in my absence," Jaehyun's father said gruffly. The journey wasn't a pleasant one then. 

"Father, please do not punish the guard," Jaehyun says, bowing once more and grinding his nose into the floor. 

"Do you suggest I punish you?" 

Jaehyun slowly lifted his head. He couldn't accurately distinguish between his father's displeasure when it was genuine or pretend. He was always getting into trouble as a child because he pushed too far but there lies the problem; the older Jaehyun has grown, the more often his punishment has been to stay inside. Jaehyun can't stay in his room under the watch of his father from across the maru separating their rooms. 

"I would not like to be punished either, father." 

"Goodness," his father grumbles, "what am I to do with you? My grown-up son is little more than a child up to mischief. Your mother told me that you have been playing with your friends all day for as long as I have been gone. She should have been asking when you would make yourself useful and start appealing to local lords so you might find a job."

"Is my job not already decided?" Jaehyun asks. It is a silly question which is rewarded with its own question about how Jaehyun can assume his father will fall over and die just to give him a purpose in life. 

Jaehyun already has a purpose. 

"Are you wishing me dead?" Jaehyun's father asks. "How can you do a job like mine with nothing in your head? You need to work and understand things before you earn the right to look after the people of our town and the surrounding villages." 

"I apologise for my impudence," Jaehyun says whilst lowering his head once more. "I wish for you to have a long life, father. I will endeavour to be a better son from now on. Beginning tomorrow, I will look for work." 

"Hmm. Get some rest." 

Jaehyun leaves when he is excused. He realises too late that he hadn't asked to make sure the guard wouldn't be punished. There is nothing he can do either way, but he hopes that the guard will be around to help him keep the physician's son away. 

The next day, Jaehyun brings the guard. His excuse will be that he wants protection and assistance when he is searching for work. The reality is that he has only one goal for the day. 

"You wish to tend to the clown's wounds yourself?" Sooyoung asks. "Even after our conversation yesterday?" 

"You just said that his wounds are healing well," Jaehyun reasons. "If he awakens soon, he will not need to remain here. I should practice changing the dressings on his wounds." 

"I see," Sooyoung says. "You want to make more work for me." 

"Rather than that, I wish to reduce your workload." 

Sooyoung doesn't look as though she believes Jaehyun but she doesn't deny his request. Carefully holding rolls of ramie bandages, Jaehyun goes into the hut to see the clown. 

He sets the bandages down on the mat beside the clown and slowly closes the door. He needs privacy and the clown deserves some dignity. Realising that there are no lights in the small hut, Jaehyun is annoyed at his stupidity, but light is coming from somewhere. 

Turning to search the hut, Jaehyun is struck by the flickering image across one of the walls. As though peering through a window, Jaehyun sees the silent rustling of trees. The green leaves flutter and wink against the pale bright of the sky. 

The impossible image is beautiful despite how mundane it is. 

Jaehyun picks his way across the floor and lifts his hand. A shadow falls across the picture of the tree. It is such a strange thing, a picture which appears in the dark. Not one moment in all the time Jaehyun has spent in the hut has he seen anything like this. He wishes to touch the tops of the trees as easily as this. Though it turns out not to be easy at all. He feels only the grain of timber beneath the tip of his finger. 

"Have you become as mad as I have, my lord?" 

Jaehyun whirls around. The clown's eyes are open. Jaehyun rushes to the man's side. 

"You shouldn't speak, clown," Jaehyun says quietly. "Does it hurt anywhere?" 

"Should I speak, my lord? I am certain you told me not to say anything." 

The clown is smiling, a much smaller expression than the one which won Jaehyun's heart in an instant. Jaehyun wonders whether the clown simply wishes to avoid making anyone worry about him. 

"Tell me if there is anything wrong."

"There is something very wrong, my lord," the clown says whilst reaching his hand up. Before nearing Jaehyun's face, the clown curls his fingers against his palm. "You are crying. That aches more than anything." 

"I'm not crying," Jaehyun lies thickly. He clasps his hand tightly. "This is just relief. I did not think I would be this fortunate."

"I wish you could be more fortunate than this."

Jaehyun doesn't cry for long, happy to have a distraction like changing the clown's bandages. The clown is quiet as he sits up, watching the picture of the treetops on the wall. The old bandages aren't stained with much blood and Jaehyun rolls them carefully. 

"Sangyeon."

"Hm?" 

"My name," the clown says. "You can call me Sangyeon, my lord." 

"Sangyeon," Jaehyun says. "How do you spell that?" 

Sangyeon the clown tilts his chin upwards and hums. He says, "Sang as in 'Sang' and Yeon as in 'Yeon'." 

It takes Jaehyun a moment to understand but he crawls around to sit between the clown and the strange picture of trees. "Ah so you write your name only with the common letters?" He traces the characters on the clown's thigh and is rewarded with only a shrug. 

"I have never written my name, my lord. Knowing the sound of it is enough to answer when people call me. I am more attached to that name than 'clown'." 

"Sangyeon," Jaehyun says, falling in love with the sound. He looks up at the face of the man he loves, eyes lingering over the cracked lips which have spouted such wondrous sounds. "Oh, I should fetch some water." 

Jaehyun opens the door. When he looks back at the clown, at Sangyeon, the trees inside have disappeared. Strange. Jaehyun will search for the trees later, when Sangyeon has been seen to. 

He helps Sooyoung to bring water and he ignores the imploring glances from the guard who is still more concerned with the physician's son. In the small hut, they leave the door open and Sooyoung lights the candles. 

The clown drinks water slowly and carefully whilst Sooyoung inspects the bandages. 

"You actually did not do a terrible job, my lord," Sooyoung says before reaching for Sangyeon’s scruffy jeogori and placing it over his shoulders. 

"Can I ask why you did not bring your book to write notes this time? Will you not need to record anything now that the clown has woken up for the first time?" 

"No," Sooyoung says, "he woke up a while ago." 

"I'm sorry?" 

Sangyeon drops his gaze and rolls his lips together. Dimples momentarily depressed his cheeks. Sooyoung has no reason to play coy. She apparently has a reason to be sarcastic as she bows her head and affects an unctuous tone. 

"Yes, my lord. The clown woke up the day after you brought him here. I administered acupuncture regularly and the flow of his energy balanced to the point that he could awaken." 

"Why would you not tell me this?" Jaehyun asks. "I have said so many things so shamelessly!" 

"I am sure the sincerity in your heart is what stirred me," Sangyeon offers. This is a lot like being made fun of, but clown is still unwell. All Jaehyun can do is slap his arm without any force. 

"I am injured, my lord," Sangyeon says with a gentle smile. 

"He was sleeping most of the time," Sooyoung offers. "His energy went towards healing, so he was not awake for long each day." 

Jaehyun is not sure that he is totally pleased with this version of things but this is the only version he will be made privy to. 

The clown is awake for now, however he is not well enough to eat anything substantial. Sooyoung brings remedies in the form of decoctions brewed from various roots and herbs and Jaehyun is left to contemplate the very runny rice porridge which has been left. 

When alone, Sangyeon asks Jaehyun to extinguish the lit candles and close the door. 

The inverted treetops appear once more, blurred and dim and just as brilliant as before. 

"Can you really see it too?" Sangyeon asks. Jaehyun sits on the straw mat behind Sangyeon. The clown sags against him slowly, reluctantly, but Jaehyun holds him carefully. 

"I can see it." 

"I thought the heavens had opened to take me away from this place. If you can see it too, I must not be as close to death as I assumed." 

Jaehyun smooths his fingers through Sangyeon’s hair. The clown's hair is stiff and tangled and Jaehyun considers all the ways that he should be looking after the clown. 

"Perhaps death will still greet me and ask you to accompany me," the clown says. Jaehyun hears the smile in his voice and presses his lips against Sangyeon’s cheek. 

"If that is the only way to guarantee your safety, of course I would accompany you." 

The light rumble of a laugh soaks into Jaehyun's chest through the clown's back. 

"I would be dead, my lord," the clown says, "I couldn't be further from safety." 

Jaehyun tries to smile but his face is too stiff. Since the clown came to him, bleeding and weak, he hasn't been able to stop worrying about death coming to take him away. The time they have spent together could barely fill a fond memory when Jaehyun nears the end of his life and he wonders why he is thinking that far ahead in the first place. 

"Are you crying again, my lord?" Sangyeon asks, sluggishly tilting his head to try to see. 

"I never cry," Jaehyun lies. Sangyeon smiles and sinks impossibly deeper into Jaehyun's chest. As invitations go, Jaehyun can't imagine rejecting the chance to hold the clown more closely. He wants to forget that he ever did when the clown needed him the most. "I was only thinking, Sangyeon, that Yerim fetched you some of my clothes so that we would look less conspicuous as we left home. Already they're so bloodied and dirty. I should bring you something else to wear." 

"There is no need, my lord. In a few days I will be able to wash my clothes and the ones you have lent to me. I cannot ask more of you." 

"Please," Jaehyun says, "ask more of me. I wish to give you everything." 

Sangyeon keeps his mouth closed, eyes turned towards the image of the tree falling from the heavens. 

"The clown is awake, I heard," Junyoung the guard says as they walk home together. Jaehyun nods. 

"Sangyeon," he says, his mouth pulling into a smile just for the pleasure of voicing those two syllables. "I have never known relief as great as this. Hearing his voice, and seeing him almost as I remember him has made me realise what joy is to me." 

"And what might that be, young master?" 

"Sangyeon is joy," Jaehyun says. It isn't complicated. He knows what he wants out of life. 

"What will you do when he leaves?" Junyoung asks. "Clowns do not live like you." 

"I will leave with him," Jaehyun says. "I love him. He loves me. He came back to me because he loves me. I would be a fool not to follow him." 

"Is that what he wants, young master?" 

Jaehyun decides that he needn't dignify that question with a response. The clown came to Jaehyun because he loves him. There isn't much else that could mean. 

Jaehyun keeps his thoughts to himself until he arrives home. His father has some unfortunate questions which Jaehyun gradually finds himself able to answer. 

"I went to physician Lee's clinic. I find medicine interesting." 

"Is that so?" His father asks. "I have never heard of such interests before." 

Jaehyun still doesn't have those interests now, but he thinks back to what Sooyoung told him and how strongly she felt about medicine. "I would like to save a life," he says. "People die all the time because they have no access to the proper care. I want to save those people." 

"Your mother will be overjoyed to hear that her son has such a noble heart. But I do not believe such a dream warrants the use of a person I pay to protect our home." 

Jaehyun doesn't pry or argue against it. He understands. 

The next day, the physician's son is not so understanding. 

"How will I meet with him if he is not here?" 

The concern on his face is pronounced enough to stir something in Jaehyun's gut. The feeling is not concern, because Jaehyun is more concerned with guilt for Younghoon who hasn't had anywhere near as many opportunities to be annoying. The feeling is dread. Jaehyun is going to have to listen to this man bleating constantly about his family's guard. He absolutely cannot abide by that. 

He gives the physician's son directions to his home. He isn't going to endure something that he doesn't need to hear. 

"Young master," Yerim says as she hands over the parcel formed from a blanket wrapped around a change of clothes, "you know that you are a terrible man, don't you?" 

"Whatever do you mean?" 

"Do you think he will have the opportunity to speak to Junyoung?" Yerim asks. "Nobody in their right mind would let him inside." 

"I hope they do," Jaehyun mutters. "Otherwise, you will have to keep him away from me and the clown." He turns to enter the shed but pauses when he remembers something. "And yourself. Keep yourself away from me and the clown." 

"What?" Yerim trills. "What do you expect me to do all day?" 

"Go and ask that handsome gisaeng woman to teach you something." 

Yerim pouts but she is completely harmless and she can't do anything at all to Jaehyun aside from embarrass him. Jaehyun thinks he is immune to being embarrassed seeing as the clown has seen him in all manner of states that others aren't privy to. 

"You came back, my lord," Sangyeon says, smiling silly as he turns to see Jaehyun enter. 

"Of course I did," Jaehyun says. He closes the door. The tree reappears. So that is it, Jaehyun realises. The clown was sitting up to watch the moving picture of the tree which appears in the dark. Jaehyun sits on the mat beside him. "I have come to see you every day." 

"I know. I simply thought that you must have better things to do than to visit me now you are certain that I survived." 

Jaehyun shakes his head. "Not at all. I have paid good money to keep you here. I need to make sure that you are treated as grandly as a king. Or as close to that as I can afford," Jaehyun reasons. The clown hangs his head. 

"Ah," Sangyeon says quietly. "I do not know how to adequately thank you for your kindness, my lord, but I must repay you." 

"That is unnecessary," Jaehyun says. "I would give everything I have and live as a destitute man to see you live." 

"My lord," Sangyeon says, voice falling heavily between them as he cautiously draws his fingers across the back of Jaehyun’s hand, "I think that you should allow me to repay you in the only way I am able to do so." 

Jaehyun looks up from their hands to Sangyeon's face. The clown is almost smiling. It is something else playing around his lips: expectation, perhaps. 

"Sangyeon?" 

"Allow me to hold you, my lord." 

The clown's wounds are barely beginning to heal, packed with herbs and wrapped in bandages. Jaehyun can hardly think of a worse idea than this, yet the clown presses assurances that he has already been administered his decoction for the day against Jaehyun's neck. His hands are familiar, a touch Jaehyun has already lived without for too long. 

Sangyeon isn't anywhere near as cautious as Jaehyun. As concerned as Jaehyun is, the recklessness which feels almost like desire makes Jaehyun certain. He is equally concerned. He has missed Jaehyun too in all the endless time they have been apart. 

Just like before, Jaehyun stifles his serrated breaths with his hands, only this time the clown is the one spreading him open gently. 

"You never let me hear you," the clown whispers. He drags Jaehyun's hands away from his mouth and catches the silent gasps on his expectant lips. Jaehyun could never let Sangyeon hear, not when anyone else could hear. But some other time, when they are alone. 

"Your bandages," Jaehyun points out when the clown is about to put on the clothes Jaehyun had Yerim bring. 

Sangyeon grins bashfully as though there is anything at all amusing about his wounds bleeding open. "Think nothing of it, my lord." 

"Does it hurt?" 

"Pain cannot touch me, my lord," Sangyeon promises.

Jaehyun chooses not to believe such a thing but he keeps his thoughts to himself. Instead, he makes his way through the yard of the clinic to the inner yard. Doing so takes a while longer than he hopes with his awkward gait and the odd jolts of discomfort which hit him as bluntly as rocks underfoot. Keeping close to walls to lean against helps but not much. Gritting his teeth and clenching every spare muscle, he eventually reaches the inner gate. As expected with homes, he finds the kitchen. This is apparently where Yerim has decided to spend her day with some girls who must have worked at the clinic. 

"Young master!" she gasps, jumping to her feet and bowing low when she takes notice of him. She is only this polite to him in front of his parents but he knows they can't possibly be around because that is something which warrants a warning. 

"Yerim, it is good to see you. I was hoping to find some food for the clown to try." 

"Of course, young master," Yerim says bowing enough times to be suspicious and looking about towards anything except for Jaehyun as she adds, "I shall ask for you. Please return inside and I will bring the food when it is ready." 

Jaehyun oddly doesn't feel totally glad to hear the agreement from Yerim but he can only take the lack of resistance for what it is before he turns to make his way back to the shed. 

The walk is painfully long and Jaehyun has so many regrets over something he is usually more than capable of. Worse than the walk itself is the clown struggling to stifle his laughter when he returns. 

"What has amused you?" Jaehyun asks as he settles onto the mat beside the clown. 

"My lord," Sangyeon says as he beckons Jaehyun to crawl onto his lap. "I apologise for hurting you. I should have been more careful with you." 

Jaehyun shakes his head and presses his cheek into Sangyeon’s lap. "I do not want to hear such silly things. I must have slept strangely and it is only affecting me now." 

"My lord," Sangyeon splutters, "you should have told me that you were not ready. I would have been less impatient." 

"Let's not speak of this," Jaehyun grumbles. "I closed the door. We should admire our shared madness on the wall." 

Jaehyun tries very hard to focus on the picture of the upside down tree which appears in the dark. It is difficult to focus on something so dull between the dull ache throughout his back and legs and the careful ministrations of the clown's fingers in his hair. 

"Tell me something, Sangyeon," Jaehyun requests quietly. 

"I discovered where the tree is appearing from," Sangyeon says. Jaehyun tilts his head up curiously and the clown smiles through the dim dark. "There is a small hole near the roof. The light comes in from there and reveals the picture on the wall." 

It sounds like a strange trick, though Jaehyun doesn't much like hearing anything of the reason he can see something impossible. 

"You owe me some camellia oil," Sooyoung tells Jaehyun when he is about to leave that evening. The sky is an oddly enthralling shade, something of a cold red which gently eases against streaks of gold. Instead of appreciating the view of the heavens, Sooyoung is glaring at him. 

Jaehyun would quite like to go home and bathe for a long time until his bones no longer ache but Yerim won't meet his eyes so she won't give him a clue what this might be about. 

"How much should I pay you?" Jaehyun asks. 

"This is not a gisaeng house, my lord," Sooyoung whispers. Jaehyun's confusion quickly gives way to chagrin. 

"You—" Jaehyun clears his throat and decides not to say anything cruel. He can't even begin to imagine how she knows but his mind does supply the troubling thought that Yerim must know too. Humility might be the better approach. "I apologise, medicine woman. Can you not understand my heart?" 

"Your heart is the reason you remained at his side," Sooyoung sniffs, "the things that you did today were little more than lust. If the clown is well enough for that, you should take him elsewhere. I can't believe I was tricked by that man asking how he could make his hair pretty again." 

Yerim snorts and pretends to sneeze a few times in a flimsy effort to disguise the sound. 

"Were you helping him to look pretty?" 

Sooyoung scoffs. "No. Be quiet. I am asking you again, my lord, not to treat this clinic like your personal pleasure room, and I am asking you to abide by this request." 

"Of course," Jaehyun says, "please accept my deepest apologies." 

On the way home, Yerim can finally look at Jaehyun. He'd be pleased if not for the reason her mood is lifted. 

"Young master, the medicine woman really wouldn't let things go, would she? You looked like a little child when she was telling you off." 

"I am aware." 

"You had better make sure to heed her warning." 

"Warning?" Jaehyun balks. "What am I being warned about? Do you think she might hurt me?" 

Yerim groans. "Would you take that risk anyway?" 

Jaehyun doesn't have an answer. When he is with the clown the next day, Jaehyun understands his thoughts and the fact that he is more than willing to risk Sooyoung's ire. If the physician's son can spend all day with the guard at Jaehyun's home by having a conversation over the wall, Jaehyun can spend all of his time with a man close enough to touch. 

Yerim had helped him to buy a bottle of camellia oil to replace whatever Sangyeon had borrowed from Sooyoung and she had rushed home pretty sharpish. 

There isn't anyone to tell on Jaehyun seeing as he came to the clinic alone. 

In the dark of the physician's shed, Jaehyun likes nothing more than being wrapped up with Sangyeon. Sitting between Sangyeon's legs with his own legs caging the clown feels like a dream come true. There isn't a thread between them aside from the bandages covering the clown's wounds and Jaehyun relishes in the fact that like this they're just two men, two equals without class to divide them. 

This is somewhat like the dreams Jaehyun had before he was ever able to speak to the handsome clown. 

All the while, Sangyeon has been carefully tracing over each feature of Jaehyun’s face with the lightest touch of his fingertip. This is heaven. This is everything Jaehyun has ever wanted. Though the only light for them to see each other comes from the missing tile which is projecting the fluttering of leaves from the street outside, he had grown used to the dimness enough that he could make out the content 

"Why did you come to me when you were hurt?" Jaehyun asks. Sangyeon’s fingertips slowly come to a pause on Jaehyun's cheekbones. His gaze slowly moves from the tips of his fingers to Jaehyun's expectant eyes. His smile shrinks but he doesn't move his hands. 

"I already told you that I needed money," Sangyeon says. 

Jaehyun drops his gaze and takes a breath before looking up at Sangyeon a moment after steadying himself. 

"So that's all?" 

"I have been saving up for a while," Sangyeon says quietly. "In the namsadang, when someone is accepted as a ppiri, the ddunsoe get to pick who will be theirs. Some time ago, a boy called Hyunjun joined us. I'm saving up all the coins I can get for him." 

"To… buy him?" Jaehyun guesses. Sangyeon shakes his head quickly and laughs, a sound which breaks off as he winces. Jaehyun lightly brings his hands to Sangyeon’s waist, uncertain whether the wounds of the clown might still ache because they are far from healing. The pain doesn't seem to be enough to shift Sangyeon’s smile completely. 

"Not to buy him. Hyunjun already belongs to someone. The same person I belong to." 

"You belong to someone?" Jaehyun asks. So many people in the lower classes could be owned in a sense by even the middle class jungin and anyone above them, but Sangyeon is of the untouchable class. Something more strange than a butcher or an executioner. Not quite a vagrant, Sangyeon and the rest of the clowns don't quite fit into the order of society that they can make a living through being owned. 

Carefully, Sangyeon's fingertips find Jaehyun's temple and stroke his hair away from his face. "I am disappointed, my lord," he says. "When you told me that you loved me and you wished for us to run away together, I assumed that you understood my circumstances. I thought you were saying those things with the intention to steal me away like a hero, that you might even fight to have me." 

"I would fight for you," Jaehyun says quickly. "I still wish for that. But could you tell me who I will be fighting for you?" 

"When I was taken in by the namsadang, I was chosen by one of the most senior ddunsoe in the troupe," Sangyeon explains. He doesn't look directly at Jaehyun, instead following the soft motion of his fingers through Jaehyun's hair. "He cherished me from the beginning. He would steal all sorts of trinkets for me from marketplaces so that I could be the prettiest ppiri in the troupe. Even when I rose from ppiri to the rank of kayol and I no longer played the women's parts, he still gave me binyeo and hair pins and norigae. 

"Plenty of men asked Kyungcheol to have me for a night. Kyungcheol was possessive, even after finding out how many coins he could take in exchange for me. But eventually Hyunjun came to the troupe after we had been to his village and begged the kkoktusoe, our leader, to take him in. Kyungcheol took Hyunjun as a lover. With Hyunjun, a pretty new thing to play with, Kyungcheol was happy to let me go with anyone. I could even offer myself and take payments. You might not realise this because of your inexperience, but I am very good at what I do. My face and my skills were rewarded with more than I could have dreamt of. I kept back some of the coins when I gave the payment to Kyungcheol. I needed to save up."

Sangyeon pauses, contenting himself to playing with Jaehyun's hair. It is a chance for Jaehyun to ask, "were you jealous of Hyunjun?" 

Sangyeon smiles lightly and shakes his head. "Rather than that, my heart began to ache for him." 

"You love him?" 

"I do love him," Sangyeon agrees. "Hyunjun is a very precious person to me. The problem is, he is young. He says he is of age, however I do not believe that to be the case. I think Hyunjun was lured to the namsadang under false pretenses. He once confessed to me that his family had offered shelter to clowns. He said nothing more than that, but the thoughts remained with me. When Kyungcheol first held him, he was shocked. He hadn't realised what was going to happen to him. He… " Sangyeon’s forehead creases with his struggle with his words. Jaehyun smooths his hand over Sangyeon’s forehead and circles his thumb to rub away the lines. 

"Sangyeon?" 

"When Hyunjun came to me and cried, I realised that he was little more than a naive boy. He was lured away from home with thoughts of travelling and dancing, but this is not the life for him. My wish from that point onwards was for him to escape from the namsadang. I saved so many coins. I was doing well, my lord," Sangyeon says, determination furrowing his brows. "However, the last man I lay with refused to pay me. In fact he stole all of the coins I had when he attacked me. Everything I had for Hyunjun was taken from me. I was afraid of returning to the troupe with nothing to show for a night away." 

"What about your wounds?" Jaehyun asks. "You needed to be tended to." 

Sangyeon’s eyelashes flutter as he lifts his gaze. "There are no physicians amongst clowns, my Lord. I… I was certain that death was coming for me. Whether or not I would live to give Hyunjun a chance to leave, my thoughts were consumed by a person who had offered something to me which nobody else dared."

"Had somebody offered you silver?" 

Sangyeon smiles stiffly. "I already had silver, my lord. It was something I would never have if I gave myself to a thousand men. Well, that might not be true. I have never attempted to count as high as one thousand but I have surely met with far fewer men than that." He looks up, the expression on his face similar to the way his parents looked when he failed the state examination. Not disappointment but perhaps resignation. "I thought you a fool when you spoke of love to a person like me. Once we parted, you appeared in my thoughts frequently. How could you love me? I asked myself each time I was visited by the thoughts of a life you described to me. No answers came to me, however the thoughts were ample comfort. If I were to die, I would not mind dying after speaking to a man who thought he loved me. If the heavens were on my side, a man who loved me might see me off with enough to set Hyunjun free from a life that was not his."

Though completely naked, without a single thread of silk on his body, Jaehyun feels more shy than ever. He strokes his hands through the loose lengths of Sangyeon’s hair. He understands why a clown would covet a man as beautiful as Sangyeon. Perhaps the strong and refined features of his face were where dreams of running away had sparked, but speaking to the man and drinking in the clown's wit convinced Jaehyun that he could subsist on joy alone if living off the land proved to be too difficult. 

"You came to me because you loved me?" Jaehyun asks. 

"I came to you because a man who loved me would give me money," Sangyeon grins. 

"You liar," Jaehyun says. 

Sangyeon ducks his head bashfully. "You are correct, my lord. I am a liar. I had not dared to dream that I would live a moment beyond seeing you once more." 

Jaehyun holds the clown more preciously. It was difficult not to recall the moment they met once again. Even if Jaehyun forgets his hostility towards the clown, his words were just as awful. Fear had gripped Jaehyun when he thought of being discovered and he regretted his lack of compassion after realising the extent of Sangyeon’s injuries. 

"Since you came to me once more, I dreamed of nothing but you surviving," Jaehyun admits. Kneeling at the side of the clown, Jaehyun had found a more potent fear than going against the wishes of his parents. Giving up the seat on the council which waited for him would be nothing if Sangyeon had a long life. He smooths his hands over the clown's tangled hair. "Once you are well, we should find your troupe. We can take your Hyunjun away from the namsadang and find somewhere to live together in a distant province in the South. I will work as the common sangmin do, should there be no other way to live. I will take great care of you and your Hyunjun." 

The clown chuckles gently and grips Jaehyun tightly whilst surging forwards to press kiss after lingering kiss against Jaehyun's mouth. "My lord, your kindness is far more than a clown deserves."

"I want nothing more than for you to accept everything that I can offer," Jaehyun says. Staring at the clown, Jaehyun feels desperate for the first time in his life, as though this might just be the first time anybody would refuse him. Jaehyun has never wanted for a single thing in his life but awaiting the clown's response feels as bitter as rejection. 

"Sangyeon," Jaehyun says quietly. The clown drops his gaze and slips away from kisses to distract him. Jaehyun tries to hold his breath and ignore the blades in his chest. The luck of being at the clinic of a physician pales in the face of a man who won't look at him. "Please." 

"My lord—" 

"Please, call my name," Jaehyun pleads. He grips Sangyeon’s face in his hands but still can't bring Sangyeon to look at him. 

"My lord, I cannot ask you to leave your life behind to become untouchable like me." 

"You aren't asking me," Jaehyun says. "I am begging you. Let us leave together. What else must I say to convince you?" 

"Nothing," Sangyeon says. The finality settles in Jaehyun's jaw. He can't have this. He can't accept a rejection. 

Jaehyun drops his hands. The man in front of him is still hurt. Sooyoung the medicine woman had already let the wound and confirmed that the dark blood welling out of the cuts proved the clown was healing well. He is going to survive this and he has a future ahead of him. Jaehyun doesn't see why he can't be in Sangyeon’s future. 

"Will you truly never be able to love me?" Jaehyun asks. 

"Who said that I did not love you?" 

"If you love me, you would want to be together with me." 

Sangyeon gently strokes his fingers through Jaehyun's hair, each motion deliberate and delicate. "My lord, in another life we might be born into the same class. I will not take more than I am entitled to in this life. I am not entitled to you. I will not have you lower yourself from your position for the sake of a life which will be difficult for you. Anyone can see that you are destined for greatness, but you will not be able to achieve any of that when you have no name and no home."

There is no greatness in Jaehyun's future. All that he is meant to do is step into a council position inherited from his father and die as a provincial aristocrat. All along he has been hearing words of formality from a man who hardly exists to the eyes of society. 

"Who were you before you were a clown?" Jaehyun asks. Sangyeon’s hand stills. Through his cracked lips, breath still gusts out as the only sign this man is even alive. Eventually he looks up at Jaehyun. 

"I was simply a lowborn man. Becoming a clown was the best option I had at the time. It is a life that I would not trade, but it is also not a life that I can recommend." 

Being able to reject Jaehyun in so many ways is a newly discovered talent of Sangyeon’s, and Jaehyun almost wishes that Sangyeon hadn't engendered affection with conversations in the lingering haze of pleasure if this was to be the outcome. 

"Alright," Jaehyun says, voice gruff with splinters of his frustration. "You will not allow me to come with you. Must I bring you home as a servant and have you that way?" 

Sangyeon shakes his head. "I will not come to your home again." 

"Then all of this—" 

"I told you that I thought I would die, my lord," Sangyeon says, voice wavering behind firm words. "Never in all my days had I foolishly thought anybody might find me worthy of love. I am dirty. Filthy. I exist to perform and entertain so that I might guarantee a meal for another day. I exist to please any man whose pockets can sing to me. I was originally a lowborn man unworthy of your eye and speaking as though I am not even lower than that now is cruelty, my lord. 

"With death creeping towards me, I only thought of a fool of an aristocrat who spoke clumsily of giving me his heart. I thought that if I were to die, I could indulge in hearing words like that once more so that I could be happily sent off." 

Jaehyun understands that much as Sangyeon steadily stares at him through the sheen of anguish. A short shuddering breath snaps the string of spittle rattling against Sangyeon’s gritted teeth. His false bravado is quaking as nervously in the leaves projected across the ceiling of the physician's shed. When Jaehyun lifts his hand to catch a tear with the mount of his palm, Sangyeon slaps away the kindness, just as he has been doing all along. 

"If I could be together with you, my lord, please understand that I would wholeheartedly live beside you. Right now, all I can see is that you are either making a mockery of me or you are a genuine fool. Whichever it is, please stop this. I do not wish to be further reminded that you can never be mine."

Again, Sangyeon’s voice strikes with the same finality as before, only the sodden weight of tears leaves it dull and ugly as it settles over Jaehyun. He nods, hopeful that Sangyeon understands that he won't push any further. 

The prospect of being with the clown is something that Jaehyun would stake his life for, but he can't justify that sacrifice when Sangyeon wouldn't thank him for it. 

Jaehyun holds the clown close until his breaths aren't so wrought with frustration, until he softens against Jaehyun's shoulder. Anger is something that Jaehyun wishes would come to him. Meeting with the clown and allowing the words to spin into fantasies of being happy seems like a deception in the gloomy physician's shed. Had he known before that all of his wishes would be bundled as vanity and cast aside, Jaehyun might not have spoken so freely, but he also cannot imagine life without meeting Sangyeon. As though awoken from slumber, he finally understands the fragments of life which fluttered towards him on the breath of a false wind. 

Jaehyun loves the clown. He is a fool, but he wouldn't attempt to convince a single person otherwise. Nothing as simple as finding happiness and holding onto it. Sangyeon is as impossible as the picture of a tree which shivers in the dark. Impossible things cannot be held so Jaehyun lies to himself as he feels the solid heat of the man beneath his palms. 

*

Mostly scared of Sooyoung's wrath after breaking his promise to her, Jaehyun takes the clown for a walk on his next visit. Getting the clown's body moving is important after this time spent resting. Fresh air is healthy, that was what Jaehyun's nanny had said whenever Jaehyun had pretended to be sick as a child. Sangyeon is a lot less reluctant to follow that advice than a young Jaehyun was. 

Jaehyun secures his heukrip over Sangyeon’s head and ties the ribbon beneath his chin. Sangyeon’s fingers follow the string of colourful beads and he smiles up at Jaehyun. 

"Wearing your clothes and your hat… you must feel this beautiful and impressive every day, my lord," Sangyeon says. Jaehyun shakes his head and leans beneath the brim to press a gentle kiss to Sangyeon’s lips. 

"Nobody is more beautiful than you, Sangyeon. No amount of finery could make me compare." 

Sangyeon laughs, eyes sparkling, and he reaches for Jaehyun's hand. "My lord, you make my heart flutter in a new way every day."

Jaehyun says nothing about wanting to make Sangyeon’s heart flutter over and over for many more days to come. Instead he leads Sangyeon outside, slow steps into the sunlight, and they leave the clinic yard and make their way along the street. 

They don't get far. At the end of the street, Sangyeon stops still. 

"What is the matter, Sangyeon? Do you need to turn back?" 

"My lord," Sangyeon says quietly, "this is our tree." 

"Our tree?" 

"From the wall," Sangyeon says. Staggering haste is what drags Jaehyun along a narrower path which winds back behind the physician's clinic. There stands a tall tree with a trunk broader than both Sangyeon and Jaehyun together. There is nothing which makes Jaehyun think this is the tree they saw, but Sangyeon is convinced. His eyes are wide and unblinking beneath the filtered shade of the heukrip and his breathing is laboured from the rush to get here. To Sangyeon, this is the tree. He takes a step forward, reaches up his arm, and flinches. Jaehyun holds his sides, wondering whether his wounds are tearing open. 

"Sangyeon?" 

"I am quite alright, my lord," Sangyeon says. He walks slowly off the path, laboured steps across the grass which springs underfoot as Jaehyun holds him gently. Sangyeon touches the trunk of the tree and smiles. Jaehyun wishes this could be enough, that he could ask Sangyeon to stay with him and they could see this tree whenever they wished it. 

"Should we rest here for a while?" 

"Please," Sangyeon says quietly. It may not be a walk but Jaehyun can indulge Sangyeon in this. 

The rest is not quite what Jaehyun had envisaged. Sangyeon leans against the tree and reaches his arms out. Jaehyun won't refuse an invitation to come closer. 

Sangyeon’s neck is at a funny angle as he tries to accommodate the brim of the heukrip and Jaehyun tries his best to lift Sangyeon. Sangyeon laughs, soft and gentle at the effort and holds Jaehyun tighter. It makes Jaehyun want to try harder. He grips Sangyeon’s thighs and hefts him higher. 

"My lord," Sangyeon whispers, "can you kiss me?"

"Can you say my name?" Jaehyun asks. 

Sangyeon shakes his head, smiling almost shyly. "I am saving it, my lord." 

"What for? Just as you are more attached to being called 'Sangyeon' than 'clown', I am far more attached to being called 'Jaehyun' than being called 'my lord'." 

"I am saving it for a time when I can use your name freely." 

Jaehyun supposes that in a way they are trapped into the values of the world they live in. Sangyeon might be free from the obligation to live the life granted to him by heritage but the sense which dictates the way of life extends even to the people unacknowledged by the tenets of society. People in higher classes should be addressed with unerring respect. Jaehyun should be addressed with that respect. 

"There is nobody around to hear you call my name," Jaehyun offers. 

"There is never anyone around," Sangyeon says. It is true, there isn't anyone around to hear and Sangyeon has still maintained the barrier to their total intimacy. 

Jaehyun supposes he isn't going to hear his name from the lips he craves but he supposes he can take only what he is allowed. He obliges. He kisses Sangyeon, and takes everything that he can from Sangyeon’s mouth. All the soft exhales and the cresting laughter are perfection and Jaehyun licks further into Sangyeon’s mouth and tickles gasps out of the clown. 

This is the man Jaehyun loves. This is the man Jaehyun wants forever, his everything. Sangyeon is a man Jaehyun can't have. But he is the everything Jaehyun deserves. 

The walk doesn't get much further than the tree, the two of them sitting together against the trunk. Jaehyun likes this. Away from the rest of the world, they are all alone and they could almost pretend that they are allowed. 

Jaehyun knows that everything Sangyeon said before is true, that they couldn't ever live the way Jaehyun had dreamt of. At least for a few moments longer, he could hold Sangyeon’s hand and admire his face and hope that the world falls on its head like the picture of the tree on the wall in the dark of the physician's shed. 

*

Returning home that evening, Jaehyun can't be annoyed at the prospect of seeing the physician's son following Junyoung the guard, attached to his arm and looking oddly dazed. As long as the physician's son is causing trouble around here, Jaehyun gets his privacy with the clown. What is undoubtedly annoying is the way the physician's son reaching out for Jaehyun's arm as they pass. 

"What are you doing?" 

"The clowns have returned. I heard they are on their way to a nearby village. Maybe Seonghwa-hyeon." 

"Why would I care about that?" Jaehyun asks, straightening out his sleeve. 

Junyoung clears his throat. "Young master, I told Juyeon that they might not be the clowns that your friend was with." 

"Even if they're not, do you not think they might know where to find the right clowns?" 

"Sangyeon has never mentioned any other troupes. I wouldn't think he is acquainted with any other clowns," Jaehyun notes dryly. 

"I will tell him anyway," the physician's son says, brightening with his smile. "If I was sick I would want to see my friends." 

"Sangyeon is not sick, he's—" Jaehyun stops himself. He doesn't like the sound of this. Perhaps he is misunderstanding. "Do you mean to say that we should invite some clowns to see Sangyeon?" 

"Not exactly," the physician's son says slowly, smiling at Junyoung. 

It is a terrible idea and Jaehyun tells him as such before returning home. He doesn't sleep well that night. He dreams of the clown leaving him. He can't stand it. 

*

"Will you help me to leave?" Sangyeon asks when Jaehyun closes the door to the physician's shed. Again they are doused in darkness. The illusion reappears, the tree hanging upside down is on the wall, fainter than usual and the leaves move more sluggishly than usual. 

"Where could you possibly want to go, Sangyeon?" 

"Juyeon told me — ah, that is the name of the physician's son, my lord — about the clown troupe who arrived outside the nearby village. I can't remember where but it is over some mountains that way," he says, pointing in a direction which seems nearer to the sea. Jaehyun carefully kneels beside Sangyeon and holds his hand gently. 

"Even if that man is right, they must not be the namsadang you know." 

"No, my lord," Sangyeon says, smiling gently. "They are my family. Juyeon told me that he heard them singing. It is my song. My namsadang. I should go to them before they leave for the next village. I will not gather in a place I might find them forever." 

"They must already—" 

"If you listen hard, if you even stop breathing, my lord, you will hear them playing music on the mountainside whilst they wait for permission to enter the village." 

Sangyeon holds his breath and looks for all the world as though he expects Jaehyun to do the same. Even if Jaehyun does such a thing, the air is rushing around his head too loudly. Instead of disturbing the leaves in the tree on the wall the wind is only whipping around Jaehyun's head. 

He wouldn't be able to hear a thing. No matter what Jaehyun does, he wouldn't hear a thing. 

This isn't right. Jaehyun needs more time. He isn't ready for the clown to leave him, for Sangyeon to leave him. 

"Jaehyun." 

Jaehyun shakes his head. This has come too soon. This is not the time to hear his name. Only one day before, Sangyeon said that he was saving this for the right time. 

"Please, Clown—" 

"Jaehyun, please help me to go home." 

It is too soon. Despite pretending that he could do as the clown wished, Jaehyun feels his life shedding away as the leaves in autumn. He was dishonest but he should make things right. He can't put things off any longer because the world won't let him. 

"I really would not advise the clown travels in his current state," Sooyoung says carefully. 

"I suspect he will leave whether I help him or not," Jaehyun tells her. She understands enough to look pitifully at him. 

Jaehyun feels pathetic enough without the commiseration but he finds that he feels relief gathering as grains in the wind at the thought that someone feels sorry for him. 

Sooyoung packs some herbs and gives enough instructions that Jaehyun forgets everything aside from the herbs to be packed into Sangyeon’s wounds before wrapping bandages. All of the herbs will probably work in much the same way so Jaehyun doesn't feel guilty about forgetting the exact times to use them. 

Jaehyun returns home before he helps the clown to find his way to the people he thinks he belongs with. 

"You should have had me make him some new clothes," Yerim mutters when Jaehyun asks her to pack some of his things to give to Sangyeon. "What if he wants clothes that fit him properly?" 

Jaehyun doesn't answer that question. He doesn't care if Sangyeon wants clothes made perfectly to fit him. Jaehyun wants to at least force a reminder that they ever met through mundane momentos. 

More practically, Jaehyun steals silver and rice from his family's store, the rice as payment to the physician, the silver for Sangyeon to try to do something he had confided too recently for Jaehyun to ignore it. After that, he needs just one more thing. Sangyeon is still too weak for such a long walk out of the town. 

"Can I come too?" someone asks from over the wall when Jaehyun asks Junyoung the guard. 

"That's Juyeon," Junyoung offers. To save Jaehyun from his confusion, he adds, "the physician's son." 

"Why?" 

"I am strong too," Juyeon calls over the wall. "Junyoung might be too tired if he needs to carry the clown alone." 

As much as Jaehyun would like Junyoung to grow too tired to help the clown to return to his home, Sangyeon himself would not like that at all. Jaehyun sighs. Of course. This is what would be for the best. 

Juyeon comes along and on the way he finds a big stick for Sangyeon to use to walk alone. 

Struggling along with something that looks a lot like a branch torn right out of a tree, Sangyeon smiles at Jaehyun. 

"Thank you," he says. 

"What for?" Jaehyun asks. He knows they must look a state, Jaehyun, a clown, a guard, a physician's son, and a servant. 

Sangyeon doesn't answer. He focuses on leaning heavily on the stick as he tries to keep pace with Juyeon and Junyoung up ahead. 

"I'm going to miss the person you are now, young master," Yerim sighs. 

"What is that supposed to mean?" 

Unlike the clown, Yerim responds. "You are so kind these days. I do not believe you will remain like this forever." 

"Are you implying that I am unkind?" 

Yerim shakes her head. "I would not say that. Seeing you care so deeply about a person for the first time has been refreshing." 

"He can hear you," Jaehyun grumbles. "Why are you speaking as though I have no conscience?" 

Yerim sticks her nose in her air and her voice comes out high and almost nasally. "If someone happens to realise that love has changed you for the better, young master, would it not be possible for them to remain at your side so that you do not turn into the sort of man who treats people poorly." 

"I am sure that your young master will treat people well for the rest of his life," Sangyeon offers. "He is a very kind man." 

"Oh my! Might it be that you have never met a kind person before?" Yerim scoffs. 

The clown neither confirms nor denies whether there have been people kinder than Jaehyun in his life and keeps walking. 

The walk journey out of the town is shorter than Jaehyun realises and before he knows it, he is staring at the rolling hills of leafy green spreading out beyond the farmland fringes of Haeju. Soon enough, Jaehyun is going to lose Sangyeon and he cannot do a single thing about it. 

The physician's son needn't have come along because he doesn't end up helping the clown beyond finding the huge stick. The most helpful thing he does after that is pick leaves off the branch whilst Junyoung carries Sangyeon on his back. He is more useful than Jaehyun on this journey. Jaehyun only spends his time quietly mourning the loss of something he would never find again. 

The sun begins to set just as they reach the hilltop overlooking the valley. The music had been calling for a while and Jaehyun doesn't need to hold his breath to hear it. The air at the top of the hill wavers, sloshing with the enticing spills of wine as the clowns sing and drum and dance and cheer. All of the merriment is doused in gold, pure joy and exaltation. Jaehyun sees all of that bliss on Sangyeon’s face as he slips from Junyoung's back. 

Keeping Sangyeon away from this wouldn't be right. This is where he belongs. 

Yerim decides to go ahead and speak to the clowns. Junyoung follows for safety. Juyeon follows because that is what Junyoung does. 

Jaehyun is alone with Sangyeon. Perhaps this is the last time. 

Sangyeon leans against his stick and his eyes never leave the juncture of the hills. 

"I am glad that you will be happy, Sangyeon." 

Sangyeon looks up at him, a slight veil over the pleasure in his face. 

"Do not look at me like that, Sangyeon. I want you to be happy," Jaehyun says. "It was not until this moment that I had seen you look happy. I should not have presumed to be able to love you when you have a place that you truly belong." 

"My lord," Sangyeon says, a small sound which is distinctly unhappy, "I am sorry that I must disappoint you like this."

If there is anything Jaehyun can say for his upbringing, it is the fact that he can do the right thing at a time like this. 

"Don't be silly, Clown. If I am foolish enough to think that I love a man I don't know, I deserve to be disappointed. It will make me put some thought into things going forward."

At least Sangyeon doesn't look so openly conflicted. Not another word passes between them until Yerim returns with the clowns she left with and some actual clowns. 

"Is Hyunjun among them?" 

Sangyeon shakes his head. "No, my lord. These are clowns from the same troupe. It really is them."

Jaehyun can only watch, caged relief, as one of the scruffy clowns sprints the remaining distance up the hill to practically tackle Sangyeon. After the pained groan, the clown wearing colourful scraps of fabric attached to his jeogori is more careful. His face is red and damp with tears as he grips Sangyeon as though he is the most precious thing in the world. 

For a moment Jaehyun wonders whether this is the man who owns Sangyeon before realising he must be wrong. This man is young, budding youth bright enough that anyone would find him handsome and just this interaction alone makes him appear like a person deserving of his face. He doesn't seem like the type to cast a lover aside for someone younger. 

"I knew that you were alive," the handsome clown cries. Sangyeon’s expression is tender as he uses his lavender-soft sleeve to gently dry the tears from his friend's cheeks. 

"I am so glad to see you again, Haknyeon."

"We went to another village after you disappeared and our kkoktusoe was sure it would be a waste to search for you. I begged and I begged but nobody in the troupe with power would see the truth," the clown called Haknyeon blubs. All the while, Sangyeon combs his fingers through the loose strands of Haknyeon's hair and wipes his face. "What is this silk you have?" 

Sangyeon hesitates. Jaehyun doesn't mind. He can do this for them. 

"I gave him something to wear because his old clothes were dirty." 

Haknyeon glances down almost guiltily at his own clothes before inclining his head and flustering on his way to bow before someone so clearly different in class. 

"I apologise, my lord. I did not notice you. Please look kindly on my mistake." 

"You may speak to me as a friend," Jaehyun says. He shouldn't make such an offer and both of the clowns look uncomfortable with the proposal. "No matter. I do not need your apologies. I am here to see Sangyeon off. Knowing how worried you are for him has settled my concerns." 

Haknyeon nods awkwardly and Jaehyun sees the look he sends to Sangyeon, pleading for a rescue. 

"This man helped me. He paid a physician to care for me." 

"Why would a man of the yangban class aid a clown?" 

The disgust which carries the words is enough even to shock Haknyeon from his unrestrained weeping. Jaehyun expects contempt in the face of a man who could speak that way. Instead he sees fear in the face of another clown who has arrived along with Yerim. 

Surprise steals Jaehyun's words and he finds himself ill-equipped to respond to this reaction. He opens his mouth but nothing comes out. He doubts the truth would suffice. 

"I made him help me," Sangyeon says quietly. The fear shutters into confusion on the third clown's face but the expression on Sangyeon’s face is more worrying. He is carefully blank, devoid of the care given to Haknyeon but his next words hint to Jaehyun that this is not for the benefit of the third clown. "If he didn't help me, I was going to die outside the main gate of his home and ensure that everybody in the town knew that he fraternised with clowns."

It must be a lie because Sangyeon could have attempted cruelty at any time. Perhaps that had been what he thought to do but the cool-warmth of dusk reveals more in the blushing breeze than Sangyeon must realise. 

None of this has been the result of blackmail. 

"I helped you because I love you, Sangyeon," Jaehyun says. As he speaks, his chest is gripped by the shade of winter and he swallows against the arid stubbornness of his mouth. "I can accept you leaving me and forgetting about me, but I cannot bear to live even a moment with the thought that you might remember me as a victim of scheming." 

"My lord," Sangyeon says reproachfully. 

The wind is wavering to dead stillness and only a few breaths of stagnation steal away the jubilance of the clowns down in the foothills. Standing with Sangyeon and watched on by servant Yerim, one of his family's guards, the physician's son, and two clowns, Jaehyun finds himself trapped in the airless moment. 

These are the words he shouldn't speak in front of others but Jaehyun can't let Sangyeon go without at least being sincere here. He looks at Haknyeon and the less impressed clown and can only hope they understand him. 

"Sangyeon was very hurt. You can't make him work until he has healed. Take these herbs. You'll have to pack them into his wounds before wrapping his bandages so that they can heal well. There might be some that he is supposed to drink as tea, but I should not think it makes a great difference," Jaehyun explains. He hands over the white packages of herbs strung together and clenches his hands into fists when he notices them shaking. Tucked against his chest, he has a small clinking bag to pass to Sangyeon. "I don't know if this is everything that I owe you, but I hope that it will be sufficient." 

Sangyeon’s eyes widen and he quietly refuses the bag of coins. Thankfully, Haknyeon the clown accepts and ignores the betrayed glare Sangyeon sends him. 

"My lord, you should not offer something like this." 

"Take it," Jaehyun says firmly. "Whether you spend this on your Hyunjun or anything else, I want you to have what you need. You will not have to start from nothing if you choose to save it up." 

The murmur questioning how Jaehyun knows about Hyunjun goes ignored. It isn't important. Sangyeon must agree because he takes a deep breath and tries to smile. 

"Thank you, my lord. I hope you can return home safely."

Jaehyun doesn't say a word either way. Arriving home safely is a given and he will watch Sangyeon return first. 

The two clowns who came from the valley come to Sangyeon’s aid to help him to amble his way to wherever their home will be for a few nights. Each skidding step is a step away from Jaehyun. Pebbles skitter away underfoot and the future Jaehyun wants, and the future Jaehyun is already beginning to mourn, gets further away. 

The sympathetic looks from Yerim and the others as they gather around Jaehyun are too much to bear. They cannot possibly understand this so any words they think they should offer are of no use to Jaehyun. He will simply keep quiet until his disappointment fades and hope nobody unintentionally tears the feelings open again. 

Before Sangyeon is helped too far down the hillock, Jaehyun takes a step forward and shouts, "Sangyeon the clown, I love you. Remember me before you think you might die next time." 

He waits, ignoring Yerim scoffing about such insensitive parting words. The wait is worth it. Sangyeon turns to look back, slipping free of one of his friends. His face is too far to ascertain his expression but the laugh which carries the response loosens the ache in Jaehyun's chest. 

"Marry well and have lots of children, Lee Jaehyun! Enjoy the life you're meant to have because one day I'll be back to make you mine." 

Rather than goodbyes they have someday. 

Sangyeon will remember Jaehyun and Jaehyun will do what is expected of him. He doesn't need to let go of this love just yet. 

Watching the three clowns descend the crackling gold hillside as the sun sets, Jaehyun is happy to wait for morning.