Archive of Our Own

It hurt.

It shouldn't have, but it did. He knew what he was getting into with Max, he knew it was casual, he knew that. They hadn't talked about it, but Aki knew the rules. He knew Max, after all. Audrey wasn't in the picture anymore, not after she realised that Aki actually had feelings for Max. She had been worried for him, but she had backed off. Aki loved her for that. He knew what he was getting into, he did. But-

Well, it still hurt. 

Max had never been so blatant before, not since they had started sleeping together. Aki knew he still slept around but he didn't see it, he didn't hear about it, it didn't matter. 

This was different. 

And it stung. 

Because even if it was casual, they were still friends weren't they? He still should have cared about him enough not to do this in front of him? Fuck, it wasn't even a woman, it was a man. Had Max grown bored of him so quickly? Aki's heart pounded, his throat tightening. 

He couldn't breathe. 

Aki knew his feelings for Max were stronger than they were for him, he knew that. He knew everything he needed too going into this, but- 

He didn't think he would do this.

Max knew he would be coming to the party, he knew they would all be here. He heard Monet mutter an insult under her breath, he felt Audrey come up behind him, a hand on his back. Because his feelings were obvious, even Max had to know, right? But if he did- if he did and he was still doing this- Max was straddling the other man's lap now, he did like to make a show of it. Even through the mess and tangle of bodies, the thumping music, Aki could see him moving, grinding down. 

They weren't serious, they weren't together, but fuck if Aki wished they were. He at least thought he meant something, anything. 

He was wrong. 

He was an idiot. 

For someone that had known Max for almost his entire life, he should have known better then to be pulled into his games, to think that someone like him would be enough to temper him. His head hurt, his heart hurt, he could feel the pity rolling off of his friends in waves. 

He left before any of them could start offering him advice. Audrey called after him, rushed to grab her things to follow him out but Aki didn't wait, didn't slow. He wanted to be alone, he wanted to hide, he wanted to sleep. The last thing he wanted was company. 

His phone buzzed, even as he slipped into a car. Aki didn't look at it, he didn't care. His head felt fuzzy, his limbs heavy. It was a good thing his parents were never home. It made it easy to stumble around in the dark of his too-big house, to throw himself onto the couch, shoes and all. He didn't care, it didn't matter, nothing did. He was the idiot that had gone and fallen in love with Max Wolfe of all people. 

Why? He had known him for so long and this hadn't been a problem before. Except- well, maybe his feelings had always been there. Obie was his best friend, but Aki had always been drawn to Max, had always studied him, watched him, flirted with him. He might not have realised he was attracted to him but it had always been there. And Max- he hadn't signed up for feelings. He had signed up for a fuck buddy, for someone to fall back on. 

Aki was the only one that wanted more.

And he tried to pretend that he didn't, he tried to pretend that the arrangement was fine, that as long as he had some of Max, it would be worth it. 

He didn't think it would hurt this much though.

He wasn't sure if he had ever hurt this much.

Not when he found out Audrey had cheated on him, not when they had broken up, those things were just a speck compared to this. Aki pushed his face into a pillow, resisted the urge to scream. This would have been a good time to get drunk, to forget about it all, but he would have to move for that and he simply didn't have the energy. 

He was just tired. 

Really, really tired. 

Aki woke up cold. 

His neck was sore, his eyes felt heavy and crusted. He hadn't even gotten drunk and he still felt like shit, how was that fair? Then again, not much was fair at the moment. 

He sighed, pulling his phone from his pocket. It was mid-morning, he wasn't surprised to see the notifications. Messages, missed calls, he didn't even remember putting his phone on silent. 

Audrey:

'He's a dick, I did warn you, remember? But you knew that. Sorry, you probably don't need an 'I told you so' right now. Let me know when you get home.'

'Akeno! Answer your phone, I'm worried about you, idiot,'

'Call me in the morning at least, please.' 

Aki sighed, he was in no mood to chat, but he could reassure her at least. He fired off a quick, 'I'm fine' and hoped that would be enough to quell her for the time being. They had dated for years, she knew him better than anyone. She had to know he was in no mood to talk. 

Julien: 

'Text me if you need anything, okay? Xx' 

He managed a small smile. Julien was a lot of things, but no one could ever accuse her of not caring for her friends. Monet, Luna La, they had taken a long time to warm to him (excluding when they were all children and things didn't matter so much) but Julien, she had accepted him with open arms. It helped that they had known each other for as long as they had, but Aki wasn't like them, he had never been like them. She didn't care, it didn't matter to her. Aki liked her message, and left it at that.

Max: 

'Where were you last night, thought you were coming to the party?' 

Aki stared at that last one, it had only been sent an hour ago. The pain in his chest roared back into focus, it hurt. Because despite himself, a part of him did want to see him, did want to let Max back in, pretend nothing had ever happened, savour whatever he could get. It wasn't so bad, Max always stayed after they fucked, always let Aki curl into him, always wrapped his arms around him. 

It was something, right? 

But it hurt, and he wasn't sure how long he would be able to take that hurt. Max wasn't going to stop, and Aki wouldn't be able to take seeing it again, seeing him with someone else. He couldn't get that image of last night out of his head as it was, all he could see was Max smirking, all he could see was Max with someone else. He didn't even know he had been there, he didn't even notice. 

Aki was cold, but he couldn't bring himself to move. All he could do was curl up into a ball on the couch, cover himself with pillows. His stomach growled, but he ignored that too. 

He wasn't in the mood. 

His phone was ringing. 

It wasn't the first time. 

Audrey had tried earlier, it was Max this time. Aki stared at it, blearily, until it rang out and went to voicemail. There were more missed messages too. He had slept for most of the day, he felt awful. He needed food, he needed a shower, he needed to do something. 

Max: 

'Dinner tonight? Your turn to pay, beautiful.' 

'Okay, it's my turn, I lied.' 

'Aki?' 

'Why do I get the feeling I'm missing something? Everyone is acting strange.'

'Call me when you get this, Aki.' 

He didn't call. 

He did get up though, and that was something. Aki did feel a little better for it, even more so when he got some food into him. Maybe it was childish to just ignore it all, hide away from the world because that was easier. But- Aki didn't do confrontation, he didn't like confrontation. He just needed peace and quiet, he just needed to get his brain sorted and then- maybe- he would think about talking this all out. But not yet, he wasn't ready yet, he couldn't. 

He took the next day off school. They wouldn't tell his parents and even if they did, they wouldn't care. Aki had high enough grades that it wasn't an issue. 

He took the day after that off too. 

He still hadn't spoken to anyone. He had exchanged a few texts with Audrey, had liked a few posts on Instagram to reassure the others that he was still alive. He hadn't spoken to Max, he hadn't replied to his messages or responded to his calls. Aki couldn't tell if he knew what had happened or not, but he hadn't stopped trying. 

It didn't make it any easier. 

It made it seem like he cared, and he didn't care, did he? Maybe as a friend, maybe. But even that seemed like a stretch after the party. Had he wanted to make him jealous? Was it all just a game? Everything with Max was a game, why would Aki be any different? 

Max: 

'I miss you, what does everyone know that I don't?' 

'Are you okay, at least? You haven't missed this much school in years.'

'I'm going to come over if you don't start talking, Aki. Audrey said you were fine, that she'd spoken to you. Why aren't you talking to me, then?' 

Aki sighed, staring at his phone. He had read every single message more than once. His traitorous heart missed Max too, wanted to see him, hear his voice. But it hurt, and he was tired, and he didn't want to deal with this, any of it. He should never have gotten involved. They couldn't just go back to how it was, or at least, Aki couldn't. He could try, he could pretend (and he would) but that didn't make it any more real. Aki knew how he felt, he didn't think it was about to change any time soon. Going back to how it was before was the only option he had come up with in the last few days though. It was the only option that hurt the least. Because no matter how much he wanted too, he couldn't be with Max and see him with other people too. He couldn't sleep with him knowing he'd probably been with someone else, or would be soon, or- it was too hard. 

Aki: 

'Sorry, been sick.' 

It was a weak excuse, and one that Max would see through in a moment but even if Aki knew what he had to do, it didn't mean he wanted to do it. 

Max: 

'Liar.' 

'Pretty sure everyone wouldn't be giving me the cold shoulder if you were sick.'

Aki: 

'I'm sick, if you don't believe me that's fine.' 

'Don't text in class, maybe you should listen for once.' 

Max: 

'Class isn't more important than you.' 

Aki flinched, his throat felt like it was closing up. It wasn't fair, he shouldn't get to say those things. This is what had gotten Aki confused in the first place, this is why he had gotten hurt. It was friendship, nothing more, nothing less. He knew how Max really felt, he had seen it. 

Aki had to end this. His eyes burned, he didn't know why. It wasn't even a relationship it was just- it was a casual arrangement. That was all, that was all it was ever going to be. Ending it shouldn't have been that hard (but it was and it hurt and he was so tired). 

Aki: 

'I'll be at school on Monday.' 

Max: 

'I'm coming over this afternoon, then.' 

Aki: 

'No, don't, you don't need too.'

Max: 

'And if I want too?'

Aki took a breath, forced himself to type out the words he didn't want too, to get this over with so he could go and be miserable and be done with it.

Aki: 

'I think we should go back to how things were before, Max. Friends- without benefits- I think it's for the best, I don't want things to get messy, I've had enough of messy.' 

There was silence, no reply, nothing. Aki felt his anxiety building, his heart rate rising, his breaths coming harder, sharper. This was hard enough, Max wasn't supposed to make it harder. 

The phone rang in his hand and Aki jumped, staring at it. It was Max, of course it was. It was Max, making things harder because of course he was. Aki held his breath, let it ring out. 

Max: 

'Damn it Aki, answer the phone!' 

Aki: 

'There's not much else to say. I'm not going to change my mind, I can't do it anymore. I thought I could, but I couldn't.' 

'You'll be fine, you've never had trouble finding someone to be with anyway.' 

'I think I care too much just to be a fuck buddy. It's fine, I'll be fine. I'll see you on Monday, we'll go back to how things were, okay?' 

He didn't wait for the reply, he turned his phone off and tossed it onto the nearest chair. He didn't know why Max was fighting him on this, he didn't need him. The party made that abundantly clear. Aki could have gone to his room, should have even. But it was so far away, and he just wanted to close his eyes. He was tired. Why was he always so tired? Aki dragged himself to the couch, fell onto it with a sigh. 

Maybe tomorrow would be a better day. 

Someone was at the door. 

Aki couldn't bring himself to answer it. He thought he had made it pretty clear that he didn't want to see anyone, that he didn't want to talk either. His neck was still aching, he should have gone to bed instead of staying on the couch again. He didn't even know what time it was, but it was dark. 

Aki heard the door open. He burrowed himself further into the uncomfortable pillows surrounding him. They weren't made for comfort, they were made for prestige, for show. He didn't open his eyes, he refused. There were only a few that knew the code to the door, his parents, Audrey, Max. It wasn't his parents, he knew that much. He just hoped it wasn't-

"Fuck, it's freezing in here," grumbled Max. 

Him. 

Aki didn't think he was important enough for a house visit. He just wanted things to go back to normal, he didn't need pity, he was fine. 

"Aki?" 

There was a hand on his shoulder then and it took everything in him not to flinch at it. Maybe he didn't succeed, because Max let out a sigh, pulling away. The cushions dipped, as Max sat on the edge of the couch. Aki still didn't look at him, he couldn't. He didn't want to see the look on his face. 

"Go home, Max," said Aki, his voice hoarse. He shivered, despite himself. It was cold, colder then it had been earlier. Aki felt Max move, felt warmth cover him. It was his jacket, his cologne filled his senses. Aki felt his throat tighten, felt his eyes burn. He wanted to cry, he wanted to scream at the unfairness of it all. Of all the people to fall in love with, it had to be Max Wolfe, didn't it? 

The silence was heavy, Aki's heart was beating so loudly he wondered if Max could hear it. 

His heart hurt.

He just wanted to be alone, couldn't everyone just leave him alone? 

"You came to the party," said Max, finally. His voice was oddly quiet, hesitant even. Aki had never known Max to hesitate with anything. Aki didn't answer, but maybe he didn't need too. "I guess you saw me with Charles, then?" Still, Aki remained silent. Max shifted, laid down next to him, an arm snaking around his waist. There shouldn't have been enough room, he must have barely fit on the couch at all. Still, Aki felt warm, safe, comfortable. He wanted to cry. 

"What are you doing?" Aki choked out. This wasn't fair, he couldn't do this. "Why- can't you just leave-"

"I don't want to leave," whispered Max, his breath hot against his neck. Aki shivered (and not because of the cold), his breath catching. "I was an asshole, I got scared, I'm sorry." 

Aki shook his head, "We aren't- we weren't-"

"I know. I know what the arrangement was, but Aki- I've been in casual relationships, that's not what we were. I don't stay the night when it's casual, I don't keep coming back, I don't get jealous when other people start coming on to them whether they realise that's whats happening or not-"

"Who-"

"Doesn't matter," said Max, firmly. "The point is I tried to pretend it was casual because anything else scared the shit out of me but you know what? Losing you scared me more. Sure, I could have let you come in on Monday, we could have pretended everything was normal but it's not." Max pressed himself closer, his arms tight around him, his head resting against his shoulder. "I didn't mean for you to see me at the party. I was just trying- I don't know, to distract myself, I guess. I'm sorry, if it makes you feel any better it wasn't any good. No one has been particularly good, not unless it's you." Max let out a breath, "I don't want things to go back to how they were, I want this, I want you." 

"Max..." Aki turned, just enough so that he could look at him. He looked exhausted, he looked like he hadn't been sleeping. Max winced when he met his gaze, guilt flickering across his features. Aki reached up, let his fingers drift across his cheek. "You mean it now, but how long will it last? You'll get bored of me, maybe not straight away, but you will." Max opened his mouth to argue, and with a sigh Aki covered it with his own. "I'm not exciting enough for Max Wolfe. You've seen me at events, you've seen me avoid the spotlight, it- it won't work. I want it too, but- but it can't, it won't. And if it hurts now, I don't want to wait and have it hurt even more later." 

Max wrapped a hand around his wrist, pulled the hand covering his mouth away. "I have seen you," said Max, softly. "I always see you, I always watch you, I have been for years. If I haven't gotten bored of you yet, I won't anytime soon. Everything you do is exciting to me, everything you do makes me want to fucking smile. I was happy to share you with Audrey if that was all I was going to get, but I don't want to share you anymore, I want you to be with me. Let me ask you a question, do you have feelings for me?"

Aki looked at him incredulously. 

Max's mouth twitched up, just for a moment. "I need to hear you say it." 

"It doesn't change anything, Max-" 

"Aki, please."

Aki sighed, "Yes, I have feelings for you, I'm in love with you. But-" 

Max placed a fingers on his lips, eyes sparkling. "Give me a chance, give us a chance, Aki. I can't go back to how we were, I won't. You could say no, but you want this, I know you do. Can you forgive me? For the others? For the party?" 

"We weren't exclusive, I can forgive you for that, but-" 

"No more buts. If you can forgive me for that, then that's all I need. Be with me, just me. I don't want anyone else, I won't be with anyone else, just you, only you." Max rested his forehead against Aki. "Please, I don't want to lose you, Aki. You're all I need, I promise, let me show you." His lips brushed against his nose, his cheek. Max pressed light kisses to his skin, carving a path to his lips. "Trust me, take the drop." 

Aki rolled his eyes, "Don't act like you know anything about skateboarding, Max." 

Max grinned, "Fine, just don't let this go, okay? Let me prove to you it can work. I want it to work, and I'm very good at getting what I want." 

"Well, I know that," said Aki, wryly. He chewed at his lip, his eyes fixed on Max, on his determination, his earnestness. He wanted this, so did Aki, but- well, Max was right, it was terrifying. For two very different reasons, but terrifying nonetheless. Because if anyone was going to get hurt in all of this, it was going to be him. 

But this was Max. 

Max wanting to be with him. 

Just him. 

Aki couldn't say no. 

"Exclusive?" Aki asked, quietly. 

"I'm yours," said Max, his voice soft. He took Aki's hand, placed a kiss to his palm. "I don't want anyone else, I didn't before, I don't now." 

"Okay," he said, breathlessly. His heart fluttered, from nervousness, excitement, he wasn't sure. "I'm yours, Max Wolfe." Max's eyes lit up, a smile spreading across his face. "Don't- don't let me regret it." 

"Never." Max closed what little space was left between them, his lips pressed against Aki's firmly, insistently. Aki melted against him, he could have stayed there all night. He would have done anything, everything, it didn't matter, as long as it was with Max. But Max was the first to pull away, even as Aki made a noise of complaint, tried to pull him back in. Max chuckled, his eyes fond. "Not tonight. As much as I enjoy fucking you lovely, you look exhausted and this couch is terribly uncomfortable." 

"'m not that tired," Aki mumbled. It didn't sound convincing, even he heard it. 

Max rolled away, pulled Aki to his feet with him. "Yes, you are. I'm sorry, that's my fault." 

Aki shook his head, bent down to press his face to Max's neck, to wrap his arms around his waist. "It doesn't matter anymore." 

"If you say so," said Max. He pulled him along, the two of them stumbling awkwardly to his bedroom (Aki could have let go, but he didn't want too). "Sleep tonight, we'll catch up on other stuff tomorrow." He winked, his eyes gleaming with promise. Aki intended to hold him to it. 

But he was right. 

He was tired. 

He was relieved and happy, but tired. The rollercoaster of the last few days had worn on him, and if Max wanted to stay with him, wanted to insist he go to sleep, then Aki wouldn't deny him. They slipped under the covers of his bed, and Aki wrapped himself around Max once more.

It felt right, it always had. But now- now it was different. Now he knew Max wanted him too, now he knew they belonged to each other (and no one else). Aki smiled, settled into the warmth surrounding him. 

People were going to talk about this.

Aki couldn't bring himself to care.