Chapter Text
Friday, May 22, 2009
JJ paced the hallway clutching Henry to her shoulder. She was pretty sure his mood was now feeding off of hers because she felt like screaming too. That, or he was tired of her clinginess and just wanted to be left alone, which was, unfortunately for him, not a current option for her.
The last two weeks had been a torturous assault on her psyche. First, she had been forced to choose between doing her job and protecting her family. Keeping quiet about the anthrax threat had nearly driven her to break protocol, and she wasn’t sure if she felt bad about that. Her baby was in danger and she’d done nothing proactive to keep him safe. Then, she’d witnessed the horror of the case in Canada. Eighty-nine victims. Eighty-nine families that would never see their children again. All because one man felt their lives were disposable and their bodies useful for his experiments.
And today, she’d had to watch as Hotch’s family was escorted into hiding by U.S. Marshalls with no clear end in sight. All because of his job. A threat against his life and family so severe that he’d lost them even in protecting them. The scenarios running through her mind were relentless, and she couldn’t bear to be apart from Henry right now.
She heard footsteps and spun to see Will appear at the top of the stairs, looking exhausted.
“Hey, cher. Little man having a bad day?”
“I don’t know. He’s been like this for almost an hour.”
“Here, let me give it a try.” He held his hands out for the baby.
She froze, just staring at them for a minute. When he gave her a questioning look, she winced.
“I can’t.”
“You can’t what?”
“I can’t give him up. I need to hold him.”
Will’s tired eyes sharpened with concern. “What’s going on, cher?”
She made up for the lack of pacing with incessant swaying and rocking, pressing a kiss to Henry’s forehead. “Just… bad cases.”
It was as if she could feel Will’s brain shift over into detective mode. Her eyes dropped to focus on the light reflecting off her son’s wispy blonde hair. Each precious strand was as light as her own had been as a child. As all her sisters’ had been in the photos they’d been exchanging over the past few months. Such a strong family trait. She wondered if it would darken towards Will’s shade of brown with time.
“Uh… Think maybe he’s worried about his mama. Can I hold him for a minute? Give him a break? I’ll stay right next to you. Come on, cher.”
It took a few more minutes of gentle coaxing, but she finally conceded and passed him over, still stroking his face and back before allowing Will to take one step back and break contact. With his face turned towards Will’s neck, Henry finally began to calm.
Her heart wrenched, and as her son’s tears subsided, her own began to fall. “He’s crying because of me!” she got out in a strangled whisper.
“He just loves his mama and wants to know why she’s so stressed out. Talk to me, cher.” He guided her back into the nursery and got her to sit in the rocking chair while he swayed with Henry.
She fixed her gaze on the baby, trying to steady her breathing and calm her nerves. She’d returned from Canada after Will had already gone to sleep the night before and then been called away again before they’d had a chance to talk in the morning, so he had a lot to catch up on. With a couple deep breaths, the words began to spill out.
“It was awful, Will. Eighty-nine people. They found evidence of eighty-nine people taken from the streets to be used for his medical experiments and then fed… to pigs.” She gagged a tiny bit. “All that was left of them was a bin full of shoes, some trinkets in the mud.”
“Damn.” His motion stilled as he absorbed that news, but resumed when Henry began to fuss.
“You were asleep when I got back. And we only got about four hours to sleep before we got called out this morning, to a local case where someone was trying to force a man into sacrificing his son by threatening daily victims until he complied. And Spence got shot.” She bit her lip as she held back a new flood of tears. Her feet automatically began to rock the chair, soothing herself with the motion. “And in the middle of that case, no one could get ahold of Hotch. We eventually found out that he got attacked last night by the Boston Reaper. In his own apartment. Nine stab wounds and dumped at the hospital as a John Doe. I just…” Her hand flew up to cover her lips, suppressing a gasping sob.
“Are Spencer and Aaron okay?”
She gave the tiniest nod accompanied by a grimace. Okay was so relative. She wasn’t sure Hotch would be really okay ever again. If the situation were reversed, she’d be out of her mind with worry, stress, grief, and guilt.
“Spence won’t be walking easily for a long time. He got shot near his knee. Hotch was really lucky with his injuries. He’ll heal, but they put Jack and Haley into WITSEC this afternoon. He’s devastated. I couldn’t even imagine…”
“Is there any reason to suspect we’re in danger too?”
Her eyes flew up to meet his, shocked beyond belief that she hadn’t considered that yet. Of course Will’s outside perspective allowed him to zero in on all the important angles she’d missed. She held his gaze and panted out the panic as she flipped through everything she knew about Foyet and the case. Gradually, her heart rate slowed. Her response came out shaky and unsure.
“No. I don’t think so. At this point, Foyet’s just getting off on torturing Hotch. There haven’t been any indications that he’d target the rest of us right now.”
“All right, then you need to try and calm down. I understand being on edge after all that, cher, but you’re scaring Henry.”
Her mood instantly swung into defensive anger. “Don’t you think I’m trying? I don’t want to feel this way, but I can’t just turn it off. It’s all just so recent. So raw and… I saw Hotch at the hospital, but I only spoke with Spence on the phone, and he said he’s fine, but it’s hard to believe that after everything lately. Th-there was a lot of blood, and he couldn’t get up off the—”
“JJ,” Will snapped out in irritation, “Last week, I had a case almost go horribly wrong, and you didn’t show one third the concern for me that you’re showing for Spencer now. I know he’s your best friend, but seriously, what the hell?”
She blinked at him as her head spun to catch up to this new information, heart dropping at yet another near loss in her life this month. “What?! What happened on your case?”
A spark of anger lit his eyes. “I told you about it! You didn’t hear anything I said, did you?”
She racked her brain for any memory of the conversation, but all she could recall from the week before was overwhelming distress during and after the anthrax case. Which, of course, she couldn’t discuss. Her guilt sky-rocketed as she chose her words carefully. “Will, I’m sorry. I was so distracted last week. Another bad case. Spence ended up in the hospital on that one too, and—”
“Spencer!” he barked, then soothed a startled Henry and continued more quietly. “Again, Spencer! Why is it that he has all your attention lately? You know, we’re in the same house, and I still feel like we’re miles apart sometimes.”
“I know. I’m sorry, Will. It’s just been one thing after another lately, and I--”
“I don’t want excuses, JJ. I want you to talk to me and tell me what’s going on with you. It’s like you’ve checked out of this relationship since you found your sisters.”
And there it was. She’d been dancing around this conversation for weeks now, trying to find the right moment, the right words… but he was giving her the perfect opening, so she took deep breaths, steadying herself, and forged ahead slowly.
“You’re right. I’ve been off. Since we uncovered the truth, everything in my life seems to have been sucked up into a tornado and spit back out upside down and fragmented. I’ve been trying to redefine myself, or reframe my life, I guess. Trying to make sense of the past. And one of the things I’ve been examining more closely is my relationships. It’s kind of amazing what walking through the past with people trained in psychology and therapy can do. I had no idea how much the past, everything with Roz… I didn’t realize how much suppressing those feelings and emotions had controlled my life. I don’t want to let it all affect me in such negative ways anymore.”
“What are you saying?”
“I don’t know, Will. I’m sorry.” She held up a hand before he could snap again. “I know you don’t want to hear that, but I am. I’m still in the middle of figuring out my own head. Post-revelations.”
“Can’t I help with that? You can talk to me, cher. Don’t shut me out.”
He was always eager for her to lean on him. She felt so grateful for that, but it didn’t seem fair anymore. She bit her lip for a moment and decided to ask.
“How is it that I’m never the one helping you get through tough things?”
“What?” He seemed thrown by the change in direction.
“Ever since you moved here, probably before that too, you’re always the one helping me calm down, helping me cope, helping me solve problems. Don’t get me wrong. I love that you’re so supportive and caring, but why am I not doing that for you too? Am I always distracted when you ask for help? Like last week?”
“No.” His quick denial was followed by an uncomfortable grimace. “I mean, maybe. Sometimes. You get so busy, and you’re flying here and there, always stressed out over what’s happening at your job, that sometimes you miss what I say. Or the situations have passed before you get back. Other times, I just don’t want to lay another burden on your shoulders.”
Her heart sank. Suspicion confirmed. She was a selfish, oblivious partner. “You deserve better, Will. So much better.” She dropped her head into her hands. “I haven’t been treating you as well as I should.”
“JJ, what exactly is happening here?” There was both a tremor and steel in his voice. “Are you saying we’re done?”
“No.” She looked up at him, shaking her head. “That’s not what I’m saying, but I think we need to talk. Really talk. That’s one of the best things I’m learning through this whole crazy process. Talking helps. I didn’t talk about Roz for the longest time, and now that it’s out of me, I feel so much lighter, and my life is progressing in exciting ways.”
“Progressing. Progressing how?” He looked down and saw that Henry’s eyes were closed, so he moved to lay him in the crib.
Attention drawn back to the baby, JJ’s eyes followed him as she spoke. “Mostly just developing my family relationships. I’ve been talking more with Paul than I have in years. I feel much closer to him and Mom after all this. And building everything with Shelby and Jess. That’s been amazing. I’m also learning how to open up more, repress less. I’m making an effort to drop a few walls I’ve had up with the team. And I’ve been thinking more about maybe completing my training to become a full profiler with the team, not just the media liaison. I mean, I love what I do, but I’ve been absorbing so much knowledge working with them that it doesn’t feel as daunting or as not-for-me as before. I think I could be good at it.”
“I agree. You’d make a great profiler.” He held out a hand to pull her up from the rocking chair. “What would that mean for you?” He led her out into the hallway and pulled the nursery door nearly closed.
Her heart rate was elevating again. She looked back at the door and refused to follow him any farther. After a couple tugs, he gave up on heading downstairs and sat on the top step instead. She gave resigned sigh and slid down to lean against the opposite wall, one eye still on the nursery.
“Well, a step up the pay scale, I think. Possibly fewer hours. Obviously, I’d still be traveling, but as the liaison, I spend a lot of extra hours fielding calls and selecting cases when we’re in town. If someone else was given that position, or it was redistributed somehow, maybe I’d get home earlier in the evenings. I don’t know exactly. I think I’d have to make it clear that I want to stay with my team, though, not switch to another one. So the timing for the job might not come together right away, but I could still finish the training.”
“Sounds like a good plan. You should do it.” He picked at a spot on the carpet for a minute. “You haven’t mentioned anything about me and Henry.”
“Because it’s the main thing I want us to talk about. And it’s been the hardest for me to address. I didn't know how to... I felt… I feel like everything that’s happened over the last year has been in hyper-drive and we’re just now slowing down enough to get our bearings. Maybe that’s only me drowning in pregnancy hormones, and you’ve been fine all along, but we haven’t really discussed it, so I want us both to stop and think and talk. Can we do that?”
“Yeah. Okay.” He looked so wary and confused.
“How are you feeling, after this last year?”
“About?”
“About us. About yourself. About life. Whatever’s on your mind, I guess.”
“Well, right now, I’m a little freaked out.”
“Not right now. I know I’m springing this on you." She reached out for his hand, held it tight and began stroking her thumb over his knuckles. "How have you been feeling over the past year? Maybe that’s a better question.”
“I don’t know.”
He just sat there frowning at the carpet, so she pressed on.
“In the last few years, you’ve lost your Pop, survived a devastating hurricane and dealt with its effects on your life and your job and your community, started a new long-term relationship, lost another close friend and partner to murder, moved away from your hometown and started a new job, bought a house, moved in with me, had a baby… It’s a lot, Will. I’m not sure I was fully conscious of just how massively your life has changed until Shelby pointed it out. I’d been too focused on all the changes happening in my life. And I hate that. I hate that I was so selfish to not think more deeply about how all this affected you. So, I really want you to think about it and let me know what you’re feeling, what you’ve been feeling. It doesn’t have to be now. We can talk more later, when you’ve had time to think.”
Several emotions flickered over his face. “Fine. I’ll think on it. But can you give me some context here? What have you been feeling the last year that made it like hyper-drive for you? ‘Cause I wasn’t feeling that, I don’t think.”
“Well… We were in a pretty good place, doing the long-distance thing. Next thing I know, I’m pregnant, you’re moving here, we’re buying a house, living together, and Henry arrives. I go back to work and immediately find a whole half of my family I never knew existed, start confronting the past of my side of the family, learning more about myself, and really embracing the value of the whole therapy process. Meanwhile, everything’s heightened by a cocktail of post-partum hormones, sleep-deprivation, and separation anxiety. And I’m running into new struggles on cases dealing with children and mothers. Then, my sisters visit, decide they’re relocating to this side of the country. And now I have had a few weeks of emotional hell.” She raked her free hand through her hair. “Most of those things are good, but it’s all just been one thing right after another, and I feel like I’ve barely had any chance to breathe and process half of what’s happened. And—” She stopped abruptly, unsure of how deep they should get into this right now.
His attention was focused on her face again. Patiently-listening Detective mode.
She took another deep breath and continued carefully. “I think maybe I’ve been taking some of that stress out on our relationship. I haven’t let myself be fully invested. You give me so much, you’re always there when I need support, you love me. I love you too, but I feel like I’m half-assing everything with us. I’ve been so focused on Henry this year—not saying that’s entirely a bad thing… it’s normal with a new baby—but I’m not paying enough attention to you. I’m still putting distance between us, Will, and I don’t fully understand why. You deserve better than that.”
He processed in silence, looking down the hallway. “You don’t fully understand. So, you do partially understand?”
Her heart rate spiked at his astute question. The conversation was heading straight into territory she really didn’t want to bring up tonight. But she reminded herself that there was no way to move forward without laying it all out there. She’d just have to suck it up. Her brain struggled to approach the point cautiously. She knew Will wouldn’t react well.
“Well, I’m starting to. Shelby’s really great at her job. I made some offhand comments that prompted her to start observing me more closely. Then, we had that Girls Night at the hotel. We were all a little tipsy and sort of regressing to the high-school and college years we never got to share. We got to chatting, silly girl-talk kind of stuff, and she helped me realize one of the problems.”
“Which was…”
She continued circling, inching closer to the truth. “She got me talking and rambling on about a lot of things, feeling comfortable, and then just dropped another question in when I was in stream-of-consciousness mode. I had no idea it was in my head, but it just popped out when she asked. Classic interrogation technique, really. Hotch would have been impressed. Makes sense, I guess. Therapists and counselors really do interrogate you to get at buried information and find out how to help you, same as we do with crim—”
Will interrupted her rambling with a resigned sigh. “It’s Spencer, isn’t it?” He pulled his hand from hers, hugging his arms over his stomach as if shielding from the blow.
“Yeah,” she whispered, swallowing thickly. Of course he knew. “She warned me that you at least suspected something about it. She could tell after that Easter weekend dinner,” JJ explained, speaking more to herself than him.
He only huffed in confirmation.
“I honestly had no idea, Will. No clue that there was anything more there than the same love I have for all my friends and teammates. Maybe a little more because I’ve considered him my best friend for years. I swear I didn’t know I was in love with him.”
Will’s face squeezed tight in frustration, his fingers moving to massage at his temples. She frantically tried to read his reaction. More words tumbled out as she anticipated having to defuse a blow-up.
“And he has no idea about my feelings either. We’ve never talked about anything like this. Will, I love you. I love our family. I’m not saying this is the end of anything, I’m just explaining where my head’s been these past few—"
“Just stop, JJ,” he snapped, taking a few calming breaths before adding, “Please?”
She froze as he stood abruptly.
“Thanks for the context. I’m going to bed early tonight.” He turned to walk down the hall into their bedroom.
JJ felt both relief and concern that he was taking this all so calmly, and she was flooded with nerves at the thought of the days to come. An idea popped in her head, and she made a snap decision. “Hey, Will?”
He paused in the doorway but wouldn’t look at her.
“After everything with Canada and Hotch and… with the team down two members for a while, they gave us all a couple weeks off to recuperate. What if I take Henry for a visit to the West Coast? I could help them with the final prep for the move, and give you some space to think… if you’re okay with that…”
“I think that’s a good idea.” His tone was flat. Not angry, just… empty.
“Okay. I’ll make arrangements to get us on a flight tomorrow so we’ll be out of your way quickly. I’m sorry, Will,” she called out again as he firmly shut the door behind him.
*****
JJ had forced herself to leave Henry in the nursery and gone downstairs to distract herself and burn off nervous energy. She’d run a load of laundry and cleaned the kitchen and was now pacing a groove in the floor as she waited for her call to be answered. Their flight was already booked. Hopefully, there would be no objections to her sudden imposition.
“You’re up late!”
She pushed her face into a smile to brighten her voice. “Hey, Shelby. Could you use an extra pair of packing hands and a tiny distraction this week?”
“Really? We’d love to have you, JJ. What’s with the impromptu visit?”
She winced, but stayed calm. “Horrible couple weeks of cases topped off by a partial talk with Will.”
“Partial t— Oh. Oh, no. How did it go?”
With a quick glance up the stairs to be sure he wouldn’t hear, she lowered her voice. “I’m not sure. There was a little yelling at the beginning, but he didn’t say much at the end. I just explained what’s going on in my head, and he wasn’t talking, so I offered to give him space to think it over. He said that was a good idea. So… Henry and I will be on your doorstep around dinnertime tomorrow, if that’s okay. Or I can ask Jess. Or just do some touristy stuff and stay in Seattle and visit when you’re not busy. I don’t mean to impose. This is so last-minute. I really should have asked first, but it just popped out of my mouth when he was walking away—”
“You’re not imposing. Don’t be ridiculous. Of course you’re coming here. Ah, I’m not sure if any guest cabins are free, but I’ll check in the morning. Either way, we’ll have a bed for you. Sophie may kidnap Henry. Fair warning.”
“Noted. Thanks, Shelby.” The breath she released shuddered just a bit, and she clamped her lips closed, hoping her sister hadn’t noticed.
“Are you all right?”
She closed her eyes in resignation. Talking makes things better, right? “Yes and no. I’m exhausted and stressed out, but underneath it all, I have this gut feeling like I’ll be okay whichever way this goes. And that just makes me kind of depressed.”
“Well, get as much sleep as you can. Traveling with a baby is no walk in the park, but we’ll see that you can relax once you get here.”
After they hung up, she used the downstairs bathroom and then quietly made her way up to Henry’s room. She checked on her little angel one more time and was curled up asleep in the rocking chair within ten minutes.
*****
“JJ. Hey. Wake up.”
Her eyes fluttered open to see Will holding Henry. His face was blank, offering no window into his morning-after thoughts or emotions.
“I’m going to take him downstairs and spend some time with him, if you want to pack for your trip. What time’s the flight?”
She blinked her grogginess away and stretched out her aching shoulders, catching the blanket she didn’t remember grabbing last night before it fell off her lap. “12:30. I think I should leave by 10. Never flown with a baby before.”
“Okay. It’s 7 a.m. now. I’ll get him fed.” He left it at that and walked out.
Her heart sank at the chill he left behind. At least he still wasn’t yelling. Looking down at the blanket again, she realized he must have draped it over her at some point. It was the adult-sized one they’d kept in the closet since the weather turned warm, not one of the baby blankets scattered around the nursery. She folded it up and draped it over the back of the chair before moving into their bedroom to get ready for the day, unable to stop herself from crying in the shower.
Dressed and composed once more, she pulled out her biggest suitcase, figuring she could offer to transport some of Shelby’s things on her return trip. After pausing to check a weather forecast for Washington, she set to work packing, making a pass through the downstairs at one point under the pretense of scanning for toys and other necessary travel items, doing her best not to disturb Will’s time with Henry while calming her own separation anxiety flare-up.
An hour later, she zipped the case closed and collapsed onto the bed to stare around the room for a minute. Would things be okay after this? Would everything change? How was she going to face everyone if things blew up? Speaking of everyone… Noting the time with a sigh, she decided it was late enough to call.
“Good morning, JJ. Do I need to remind you we are on official leave? Bestowed by the higher ups. There is no way you are calling me about a case right now, right?”
She closed her eyes and put on her best professional voice. “Hi, Rossi. Sorry to call so early. No, we don’t have a case, but since you’re in charge while Hotch is on medical leave, I just needed to call and let you know that I’ll probably be out of the state for most of our time off. Henry and I are headed to the airport shortly for a visit to my sisters.”
“Everything okay?”
She let the professional tone fade into friendly. “Yeah. We’re just going to introduce Henry to their Horizon family and help them pack for the move. They’re leaving for their cross-country road trip in less than two weeks, so I thought this would be a great way to make use of the time off. And a little mountain vacation sounds great after the last few cases.”
She kicked herself for that last slip. It was too much, too personal. He’d know.
“Cara… are you sure you’re all right?”
She screwed the smile back onto her face and tried to sarcasm her way out of it. “I’m fine, Dave. And if something comes up, I’m headed to a school full of counselors and therapists. They’ll be more than happy to pick apart my brain and paste me back together.”
After a slight hesitation, he responded in kind. “Sounds very relaxing. Will’s not going?”
“No. He’s working next week.” She left it at that, hoping he wouldn’t dig any deeper.
“Well, I don’t envy you traveling alone with an infant, but I hope you get some peace once you’re there. Will you be fully out of contact?”
Thank God, he didn’t say anything. “No. I had service last time I was there. Might be a little spotty, but I’ll check regularly for messages. And I’ll check my email. I just won’t be able to get back at a moment’s notice. If you think of it, could you send me updates once in a while? I’ll be worried. I feel bad about leaving while they’re still in the hospital.”
“Of course. Reid gets released this afternoon, I think. I heard Morgan and Garcia planning to kidnap him for supervised R&R. The elevator in Reid’s building is concerning on a good day. Fewer steps at Morgan’s. I’ll let you know when Hotch gets released. I’m thinking of doing the same for him.”
Well, that was a recipe for stress. Morgan would be regretting that choice soon enough. The two of them were like brothers—brothers separated by an age gap and strongly diverging interests that led to lots of teasing, stubborn competitiveness, and annoyance—and prolonged close proximity wasn’t always a good thing. Add in post-injury pain and mobility challenges… They were in for one grumpy genius. Hopefully, Penelope would keep everyone calm and entertained.
And Hotch at Rossi’s… well, actually, that was a good plan. There was no way Hotch should be alone right now, especially in the apartment where he was attacked. Some solid pampering at Rossi’s mansion would be a good distraction.
“Sounds like everyone’s in for an… interesting time. Make sure you check with Hotch’s doctor on how just much homemade Italian cooking you can stuff him with.”
Rossi just huffed in mock offense before chuckling.
“Give them my well wishes. I better go. Packing to finish. Flight’s at 12:30.”
“Okay. Call if you need anything. And tell your bambino he’d better behave for his mama, or Uncle Dave won’t be happy.”
“Will do. See you in a couple weeks.”
She held the phone against her forehead for a minute and breathed out the stress of evading a profiler. He probably saw right through her. Sighing, she headed over to pack Henry’s things. What did you take on a plane with a baby, anyway?