Chapter Text
Midoriya Izuku gently gripped the corners of the poster on their wall (a silver-age All Might illustration, made to look like a pre-quirk era comic book), and took it down. Taking great care to not crease it any, they rolled it up and placed it in the box with the others.
Well, one of the boxes- they’d been at this for a while. Izuku had already packed away almost all of their All Might merch. It was organized by type- t-shirts, jackets, and hoodies in one box, figurines in another- anything that was in good enough condition to sell or give away was carefully packed up.
Over ten years of merchandise was packed away in those boxes- they were on the last one now. Each of the figurines were carefully wrapped up in tissue paper, paper towels, or bubble wrap. The t-shirts were folded (as best as Izuku could fold t-shirts, they were pretty hard to fold) and organized by size. Posters were hard to pack because they were just so easy to bend, and the slightest crease could drastically lower it’s value-
“You know,” Hitoshi’s dry voice came from the doorway. “I always imagined that the physical manifestation of your mental breakdown would be a lot… messier.”
Izuku turned to look at him, and saw the rest of their team gathered behind him. They all looked worried- or, at least, their own versions of worried. The four of them all wore their emotions differently- a result of one part personality and two parts environment. Himichan was wide-eyed, face carefully blank but the twitch of her eyebrow and her slow steps gave it away. Kacchan looked grumpy as usual, but his eyes were a bit more narrowed and mouth set in a line, a contrast to his open body language, arms kept loose at his sides. Ochako wore her worry openly, as she did with all her emotions, picking at her fingernails and bandaids, eyes darting between Izuku and the boxes of merchandise. Hitoshi’s face was blank, yet his shoulders were tense and he wasn’t sure what to do with his hands. He was the first to enter the room, though- the other four following behind. Clearly, checking in on Izuku was his idea.
Himichan nodded in agreement. “Yeah, this is a lot less bloody than I pictured.”
“...you all pictured my mental breakdown?” They blinked- that was a really odd thing to picture, though Izuku did have really odd friends.
(As if you weren’t the oddest one out of all of them.)
“Oh, I’ve pictured each of us snapping and going full villain,” Ochako explained with a small smile, trying to lighten the mood. “Mine starts with me levelling an entire street.”
“Just a street?” Kacchan snorted. “That’s fucking pathetic.”
Hitoshi gave him an unimpressive look, a single eyebrow raised. “Kats, your mental breakdown will end with you opening a bakery in the countryside.”
“After I level an entire city or two, thank you very much Eyebags!” He bit back. “And it’ll be in the European countryside, you fucking idiot-”
“Well, I’m sorry my mental breakdown isn’t destructive enough for all of you,” they sighed, picking up the box full of figurines. Izuku didn’t really even think they were having a mental breakdown right now- actually, this was the calmest they’ve ever felt in a long time. They hold out one of the boxes to her. “Ochako, do you want some of this stuff? It’s pretty valuable, I’m sure you could sell it online and make some good money- I’ll send you a list of the best websites and tips for listings, most of it is in mint condition so that’ll help too-”
(According to the NIMH website, feelings of emptiness and hopelessness combined with withdrawing from friends and giving away important items are signs of-)
“Jesus christ,” Hitoshi was looking at them with concern. “Even in the middle of a severe emotional breakdown you’re more concerned about literally everyone else except yourself.”
“Yeah, Izuku- c’mon, here,” Ochako took the box from them, setting it back down with the others, before gently guiding them to their bare bed. Izuku had already stripped all of the sheets and comforter off of it- they hadn’t packed it away with the other sets yet, since it needed to be washed first. They were planning on grabbing out a spare set from the closet later.
She just looked more concerned at the bare bed, though, as she sat them down with her. Ochako rubbed their arm gently, her other hand holding theirs. “What happened?”
“Who do I stab?” Himichan cornered their other side, making the bed bounce before whipping out her favorite butterfly knife. “I’ll rip out their lungs and turn them into earrings.”
Kacchan’s nose wrinkled at the mental image. “Disgusting.”
She stuck her tongue out at him. “The lesbians would love it-”
“You’re going to die alone-”
“Guys, please,” Izuku broke in, halting their argument. “Just, stop, it’s not that big of a deal.”
Himichan and Ochako shared a look over Izuku’s head. “I was afraid that you’d say that,” their sister sighed.
“Enact Plan B?” Kacchan asked, raising an eyebrow.
“Plan B was if they were actually open about their feelings,” Ochako’s hand left their arm as she gestured, making her point. “This is still Plan A.”
Hitoshi’s brow furrowed in thought. “I thought we were on Plan F?”
“No, that’s the one where we stage a jailbreak,” supplied Kacchan.
Himichan blinked. “I thought that was Plan C?”
Ochako sighed. “No, Plan C involves ice cream-”
That’s it- they couldn’t take it anymore. “What are you talking about!?”
The other four shared a look- why. Why were they all acting weird? Izuku was fine. Everything was fine.
(Keep telling yourself that- maybe it’ll come true.)
Kacchan was the first to move, taking in a breath as he moved in front of Izuku. He crouched down so that the two were eye level- and he didn’t look angry. That was the thing that kept throwing Izuku off- the Kacchan before the Aldera job was always angry around them, but now the Kacchan after the Aldera job… simply wasn’t. Sure, he was still rough around the edges and aggressive, but that was just his personality rather than any actual anger.
“Listen, De- Izuku.” They sucked in a breath at the use of their given name. “Look at me and dumb, dumber, and fucking imbecile over here-” He pointed to Hitoshi, Ochako, and then Himichan in turn, Izuku’s gaze following. Kacchan then drew their attention back to him, grasping their shoulders so Izuku couldn’t look away. “We’re your friends. And that means we care about your stupid ass- it means, that when we see you hurt or upset, that we’re also hurt and upset. Because we care. We’re asking you what the fuck happened, because we know something is wrong, and we want to help fix it. By not telling us what is wrong, you’re hurting us because then we don’t know how to help you.”
“B-but- I-”
He cut them off. “We want to help you. Not out of- of fucking obligation, or whatever stupid fucking reason your head is trying to tell you- we want to do this.” He shook them gently to emphasize his point. “Izuku, you are surrounded by four of the most stubborn motherfuckers to ever exist- you really think that we’d be here if we didn’t want to be?”
Izuku opens their mouth to protest, then closes it. Their throat feels tight, as if they’re about to cry. A feeling they're well familiar with- crying easily is a patented Midoriya trait, after all- but this was a different type of cry. It wasn’t their usual type of cry, where the tears sprang up unbidden, and it was easy to name the emotions that came with it. This was the type of cry that you held back, that you didn’t want other people to see because if you started crying then you’d break.
And they- they couldn’t break. They didn’t want their friends to have to piece them back together.
(Another sign is feeling like you’re a burden to others.)
(But the others are looking at them with such worry in their eyes- a type of worry they’d only ever seen come from Mom. And Kacchan did say that Izuku was hurting them more by not telling them.)
Taking in a shuddering breath, Izuku starts. “...I met All Might today. After the slime villain attacked.”
“Okay,” Himichan blinks, looking between the packed boxes of merchandise and Izuku with confusion. “Uhm- how’d- how’d that go?”
“The slime villain attacked me right- right as I was on my way home.” They tried to not notice how everyone stilled, eyes wide in fear and surprise. “I- I tried to fight back- went for the eyes, the mouth- but he got down my thro-” they stopped, feeling the panic rising back up and seeing how Himichan’s face quickly paled. Shit, that must’ve brought back some hard memories for her. Taking in a deep breath, Izuku decided to skip that bit before continuing, “I blacked out, and then woke up to All Might standing over me. He’d already signed my notebook- but I- I had to ask- I-”
Ochako was quick to comfort them, rubbing a hand across their back, making gentle shushing noises. “It’s okay- it’s okay-”
(Izuku was starting to go a bit stir crazy. They’d been keeping quiet on jobs for a bit since Mokuren- plus, with Hitoshi being recently fully adopted by two pro heroes and the UA entrance exams in less than a year, they had to be careful.
They were just going out for a walk. They didn’t even have any of their vigilante gear on. Izuku just- Izuku just wanted to get outside. Nothing eventful.
It wasn’t supposed to be anything eventful.)
Hitoshi, when he so chose, could easily read between the lines. “...what’d he say?”
A sharp laugh escaped Izuku’s mouth. “We wound up on a roof- a fucking roof- because I was being stupid and grabbed onto his leg because I was desperate and-” they break off, covering their mouth. The laughter was dangerously close to turning into sobs, and Izuku could already feel the tears on their cheeks and a burning in their throat.
“He said no, didn’t he.” Kacchan was kneeling down, looking up at them, expression blank.
“Said that I’d be a liability.” Another choked laugh. “That if I really wanted to help people, that I should become a cop.”
(They’d been doing parkour and patrols for so long, that Izuku instinctively knows how many stories up they are every time they’re on a roof. It’s dependent on the wind, the temperature-
-and if you think you can look down without having a panic attack.
Izuku had gotten very used to being very, very high up. Even before starting their vigilante thing, they’d taken to hiding on rooftops to escape bullies. That, and it was- nice. Comforting. To be so up high. Removed from all the people who could hurt you. Yet still a part of the world around you, with the birds coming and going, clouds lazily drifting past, and the sounds of the city below. Not that you couldn’t get hurt on a rooftop, it’s just-
-this time, Izuku would be in control if they got hurt.
They’d never jump, of course- yeah, they’d thought about it before. Really, who hasn’t? But- they wouldn’t, honest. And they had a list of reasons as to why- it’d make Mom sad, Himichan would miss them, they wouldn’t get to finish fixing their friendship with Kacchan, they wouldn’t get to grow their friendship with Ochako and Hitoshi, they wouldn’t get to annoy Aizawa-san, they wouldn’t get to pet the Magnificent or Marclene or Davetholemew anymore, they wouldn’t get to meet Hitoshi’s mom, they wouldn’t get to become a hero-
“No, I don’t think you could become a hero without a quirk. You’ll have to be realistic.”
Well, now they were thinking about it.
The door was locked- and how he even got it open, Izuku didn’t know. Sludge still tickled the back of their throat- raw from crying and screaming and trying to hack it out- but they couldn’t cry. For once in their life, Midoriya Izuku had run out of tears. They couldn’t feel any pricking at the corners of their eyes.
Actually, they couldn’t feel anything.
They still couldn’t feel anything when they walked to the edge of the roof, the footfalls of their clunky red sneakers that all other Quirkless kids wear the only sound. Stopping right at the edge, Izuku looked down.
Twenty-five stories.
(According to a Quora answer posted by a surgeon, a fall from nineteen stories had a zero-percent chance of survival.)
That thought snapped Izuku out of their trance- they gasped for air, and looked back up towards the horizon. They- they couldn’t.
(At least not without leaving a note behind, or something-)
An explosion went off, and they honed in on it like a lifeline. Because they’d know those explosions anywhere, had seen them from every angle, had known them since they first manifested and oh god-)
“K-kacchan-” their voice cracks, and the tears are openly running down their face as they reach out to him with shaking hands, grabbing his shoulders in a death grip yet refusing to meet his eyes. “I’m so s-sorry- if I wasn’t being so- so fuck-fucking stupid- t-then he wouldn’t h-have-”
“Deku- Izuku-” Kacchan’s voice is softer than they’d ever heard it, gently grabbing their wrists and trying to calm them. “Izuku, it’s okay-”
(They’re pretty sure the mental image of Kacchan, eyes wide with fear as he desperately claws at the sludge, will haunt Izuku forever.
And it was- it was just another nightmare for a day already filled with nightmares.
His hands clawed at the sludge, trying vainly to send an explosion towards the sludge’s eyes, mouth, anywhere, but it kept dodging or pulling his hand away causing the fires surrounding them-
And the heroes just fucking stood there, deciding that crowd control was the priority when his friend was right there, dying-
Izuku moved before they could think.
When they could think again, the sludge was howling in pain from a pencil in his eye and Izuku was pulling Kacchan from the sludge, the other boy gasping for air and hacking out sludge from his lungs-
They stumbled away from the villain, looking on at it with a mixture of anger, fear, and determination, his remaining bulbous yellow eye swiveling to meet the red and green-
And then a blast of wind-)
“He- he’s the hero here! The adult!” Ochako reaches over, pulling them into a sort of half-hug. Even though their face is buried in Kacchan’s shirt, Izuku can still hear the rage in her voice and feel her fearful tears dropping onto their shirt. “He should’ve secured the villain better so that he wouldn’t have escaped!”
“He also should’ve been aware enough so that a, you know, five-foot-four fourteen year old that weighs eighty-five pounds sopping wet doesn’t get the drop on him,” Hitoshi drawls, trying to add his own patented brand of dry humor to the situation. His voice sounds closer- he must’ve moved so that he’s sitting on Ochako’s other side.
Izuku gives a weak, wet snort as they look at him. “In- in his defense, I-I do h-have a lot of ex-experience sneaking u-up on people-”
“Yeah, well, he still fucked up.” Himichan’s the calmest out of all of them right now- that, or she’s better at masking whatever emotions she’s having right now than Hitoshi is. “Did he even help you get down from the roof?”
“The- the lock wasn’t that hard to p-pick-”
“Jesus fucking christ, Deku-”
“Yeah- fuck him,” she declares, and everyone else stares at her in shock. Cold fury creeps across her face, and tears prick the corner of her eyes. “No- I’m dead serious here! Fuck him- Ochako and Hitoshi are right! And- and he’s wrong! What does he know about you- huh!?” She rounds towards them, yellow eyes ablaze. “What does All Might know about Midoriya Izuku?”
They gulp, trying to think about what happened while also trying not to think too much about what happened. “I- well, we didn’t really-”
“Nothing!” She cries. “He knows nothing! Nothing except that you’re quirkless and a nerd!”
“I thought this was supposed to be a pep talk?” They crack a smile, pulling one of their hands from Kacchan’s grip to wipe their tears.
“It still is, shitty nerd- but, and oh god does this fucking pain me to say this-” Kacchan says, leaning back and sighing deeply. “Fangs ain’t wrong.” He grimaces, then shudders and starts fake gagging violently. It’s just- it’s just so stupid and ridiculous coming from Kacchan of all people that it gets everyone to laugh, even a little, and Izuku thinks they can feel something other than numbing emptiness and despair right now. They catch sight of his little self-satisfied smirk before he turns back to Himichan with an expression of mock disgust. “Eugh, I hate agreeing with you on something.”
Himichan wipes away some of her earlier tears, and sends him a small smile. “I appreciate that you value and cherish our friendship.”
“Yeah, but that’s how you know when we’re genuine, because we’re all in agreement on this!” Ochako says, and she starts to relax the hug she’d trapped them in.
“Who said I agreed with Kats?” The other three send him glares, and Hitoshi leans back, raising his hands in defense with his eyes wide. “I mean I do in this case! But I don’t want you guys to assume that this is the default for me.”
Izuku gives a snort of laughter at that. Because- yeah, fair.
Kacchan rolls his eyes, before turning back to Izuku. “All Might doesn’t know jack shit about you- he doesn’t know that you’ve been going to that dojo for like, thirty fucking years-”
“It’s been more like six or seven, I’m not even fifteen-”
“Or that you’re like, super smart!” Ochako adds. “Like, scary smart- could kill us all and get away with it smart-”
“Why does everyone always assume that I’m going to become a serial killer-”
“He also doesn’t know about your parkour skills or like, your scary ability to befriend everyone,” Hitoshi continues on. “I’m still fairly certain that my friendship with you is just Stockholm Syndrome, by the way-”
“Y-you don’t have to be friends with me, I won’t be upset if you-”
“No, shut up- fuck you, we’re friends-”
“You’re also already a hero, Izu-kun.” Himichan’s voice is soft, and when they look towards her the tears are back. Except this time, they’re quietly trickling down her face as she stares down at her hands. “I meant what I said- that night you saved me. You- you and Mom didn’t just save me from those heroes that were assaulting me, but- I-I could’ve become something horrible. I could’ve hurt people- and I would’ve enjoyed it- but you- you saved me.” She looks up at them, directly in the eyes, and smiles. “Not just from the immediate danger and physical harm, but from myself.”
“And because you saved Himiko, you saved me and my dad.” They turn to look at Ochako, who has tears in her own eyes. “If- if she hadn’t been near the site when the accident happened, I could’ve lost him. And- and you guys didn’t stop helping us after that. You helped my dad get the treatment he needed, and have also helped our family’s business.”
“And because I saw you helping Ochako, you also helped save me.” Hitoshi murmured, scooting closer to his first friend. “I mean, I wasn’t in as much immediate danger in Mokuren as with the girls’ situations, but still. You not only saved me, but all the other kids that were there, too. Plus, it wasn’t just the neglect you saved me from- you helped me get adopted, you’re helping me become a hero too, and- and I’m talking to my mom again.”
“We’re- we’re all better versions of ourselves, just from knowing you,” Kacchan is the last to speak, and his hand feels warm over Izuku’s. “God, hate that I’m agreeing with fucking Fangs for the second time today, but- you saved me from myself, too. Deku, I- I was horrible. Yeah, fuck off, I know we’ve been over this, but I still need you to hear this shit right now. You saved me, and I’m so much stronger for it.”
(“We’re all better versions of ourselves, just from knowing you.”
And, god- doesn’t that just knock the wind out of them?
Their friend’s admissions had already left them breathless- or maybe they were holding their breath. Like- if they dared to breathe once, then whatever wonderful fantasy this was would finally be broken.
This whole- this whole team. This whole vigilante con artist criminal whatever you call it gig. This whole friend thing- it feels so, so unreal to Izuku.
It’s almost like a fantasy- like they’re living out someone else’s ideal life instead of their own.
Until things like this come around and not-so-gently knock the wind out of them, telling them that yes. Yes.
Yes, this is real. And it’s yours.)
“And it’s not just us four- like Hitoshi said, we weren’t the only ones affected by our previous marks,” Himichan went on, scooting closer to them, smile never wavering. “And there’s even the guys you fight when doing regular vigilante stuff! And- and you don’t just stop them from hurting innocents, you help them too if they’re in a bad place!”
“Yeah!” Ochako brightens. “You know that conbini guy- the one with the lighter? He’s doing better now, too! He’s on parole, and got a job at that local pizza place you showed him!”
“You’re already a hero, dude,” Hitoshi says with a casual certainty. It’s the kind that comes with reciting what one believes to be absolute facts- the sun rises in the east, coffee is the best caffeinated beverage, and Izuku is a hero. “All Might doesn’t know shit.”
Izuku tries to respond to- to any of that, but it’s- it’s too much. They’ve been through so, so much today. It’s been a whiplash between nightmares and impossible dreams, meeting and clashing in so many horrible and wonderful ways that they don’t even know how to respond anymore.
A high, choking whine came from the back of their throat and Izuku would’ve probably laughed at how weird it sounded if it weren't coming from them right now.
And everything comes crashing down in waves, chasing and filling the spaces that hopelessness had occupied and taken root. In came crashing down the grief, the anger, the terror-
And in came crashing down the overwhelming, overwhelming feeling of gratefulness, relief, and love. So much love that it filled Izuku’s chest and surrounded them, almost drowning in it’s intensity.
(Midoriya Izuku never felt things in halves- it was either buried so deep they refused to acknowledge it, or it overwhelmed and consumed them until it was all they felt.)
They’re gasping for air, drowning in the hurricane of emotions and tears and snot.
“C’mere-” Ochako whispers, pulling them back into a hug and tucking her head in between their neck and shoulder. “We’re gonna suffocate you in a group hug now.”
Himichan joined a moment later, resting her head atop their curls, arms reaching across to hold them both. “Death is inevitable, just embrace it.”
“You’ve got to stop making shit that’s supposed to be comforting sound super fucking ominous,” Kacchan snorts, but climbs fully onto the bed next to Himichan and allows himself to be pulled in. Hitoshi doesn’t say anything, preferring to wiggle his way underneath one of Ochako’s arms and wrapping his around her and Kacchan. Izuku is still sobbing, openly and freely, but their friends are a lifeline that’s helping them stay afloat and break their head above the waves.
And Izuku holds on, letting their friends ground them.
“T-thank you,” they say, when the waters have finally calmed and their head is above the waves. Their voice is barely above a whisper, but their friends still hear them. “Thank you.”