Archive of Our Own

Accepting the mug of hot coffee from Kaname, Sousuke thanked her with a quiet murmur. She sat down on the couch beside him, taking a sip of her drink as she made herself comfortable. Closing his eyes, Sousuke waited until the cushions stopped shifting from her movement, slowly opening them with his gaze downcast. Her legs, tucked mostly under her, were brushing against him, and he had to wonder if it was accidental or not. Such thoughts occurred to him more and more, as they grew closer and closer.

It wasn’t just that they were understanding one another better these days. It wasn’t just that they were opening up more and more, letting each other deeper within. As the days went by, they drifted physically closer, as well. When walking home from school, their sleeves, and occasionally their hands, would brush along one another. A drastic difference from nine months ago, when he would trailed a few meters along behind her. When handing each other something, they almost went out of their way to ensure their fingers would brush along the other’s, and all without making the conscious decision to do so.

Well, I don't want to see you waiting
I've already gone too far away
I still can't keep the day from ending
No more messed up reasons for me to stay

The night wore on, their homework completed, dinner eaten, leftovers packed away, dishes cleaned and returned to where they belonged, and yet he lingered. The television program wasn’t interesting, not to either one of them, but they were loathe to say their goodbyes. Sousuke glanced over at Kaname, wondering just what it was they were doing. He had a difficult time with emotions, knowing how to express them, but it wasn’t often that he knew what he felt, what he wanted, and just lacked the courage to say as much.

Letting out a reluctant sigh, his eyes drifted shut as he mentally chided himself. Kaname seemed to take the sigh to mean something else. She stood up slowly and placed a hand on his shoulder, “It is getting pretty late. You should probably get home, and the both of us to our beds.”

Nodding with agreement, he let her walk him to the foyer. Slipping into his shoes while pulling on his uniform coat, he wished he could just say what it was he felt. He took that first step out into the winter night, turning around to face Kaname as she hid behind the door from the frigid air. Their eyes met and he could see that same yearning in her expression that he felt. Still, though, the words wouldn’t come. Taking in a deep breath, he nodded stiffly, “Thank you, Chidori. For everything, as usual.”

She smiled sadly and nodded, “Don’t mention it, Sousuke. I’ll see you in school tomorrow.”

“Tomorrow, then.”

Well, this is not for real, afraid to feel
I just hit the floor, don't ask for more
I'm wasting my time, I'm wasting my time
You can't stop the feeling, there is no reason
Let's make the call and take it all again, woah again

Sitting in the cockpit of the Arbalest, Sousuke closed his eyes and let out a sigh. The mission was finally complete. Or, it would be as soon as the team was safely on Merida Island and debriefed. The main objectives had been achieved, however, and though he knew he shouldn’t relax until the RV, he was just too ready to be done with it all. Each mission seemed to be more arduous than the last, and it wasn’t the work load. Strumming his fingers on the control grips, he wished he was back home.

Once upon a time, the cockpit of an Arm Slave was the most natural place for him to be. Not any longer. Picking up on his mood, Al spoke up, “Question, Sergeant.”

His eyes cracked open and he looked at the screen with a tired gaze. “What is it?”

“The mission was not too long, nor was it difficult. Why do you seem so tired?”

Shaking his head, he leaned back with another heavy sigh. “Everything seems longer and harder when you don’t want to do it.”

Al went silent to contemplate the various meanings behind his statement. The quiet gave Sousuke the time to think on it himself. When was it that he came to be tired of this life? Why was it that his view had changed?

Her.

Thinking back to that long-haired Japanese girl that had turned his world upside-down, he could not help but to smile just a bit. Though he needed, and, indeed, wanted, the resources to keep her safe, what he wanted even more was to just be by her side at all times. But then why was it he kept his mouth shut? Why did he let the days roll by, as they grew closer and yet kept that distance between one another? What did he really have to fear?

Months went by with us pretending
When did our light turn from green to red?
I took a chance and left you standing
Lost the will to do this once again
Kaname sat on the floor with a blanket draped over her shoulders, school work laid out on the table before her. It was difficult to concentrate though, when her thoughts kept drifting to a certain soldier who, once more, had not shown up for school that ‘tomorrow’ he said he would. Dropping her pencil on the notebook with disgust, she leaned back against her couch and pulled the blanket tighter around her.

It was just three months prior that she had finally admitted to herself that she loved him, and had even mustered up the courage to tell him as much. Then, once facing him, the words caught in her throat and were yet unspoken. It seemed to her that he went through much the same, but she couldn’t be sure. Neither one of them was a coward, and, truly, neither one of them could afford to think they had ‘all the time in the world,’ and yet, neither one of them could just come out and say it, either.

Tugging on her bangs with a growl, she shook her head fiercely. “Idiot. The both of us... Idiots.”

Well, this is not for real, afraid to feel
I just hit the floor, don't ask for more
I'm wasting my time, I'm wasting my time
You can't stop the feeling, there is no reason
Let's make the call and take it all
I'm wasting my time, I'm wasting my time again, woah again
A week had passed by ‘tomorrow,’ and Kaname was packing away her leftovers from the night’s meal. Sousuke still had not returned, but from the lack of a phone call, she assumed, and hoped, he was safe enough. She highly doubted he would ever up and disappear like he had three months ago, but that lingering fear was there.

Finally, as she spent that week thinking on it more and more, she admitted to herself why it was she was so afraid. She had never much gotten along with her father, and the age difference between her and sister kept the younger girl from being able to get truly close to Kaname. The only person she had ever opened up to completely had been her mother. When she died over three years ago, Kaname closed herself off. She didn’t go completely cold, she still cared for others. But she hadn’t wanted to fall in love and become so vulnerable once again.

It was a bit late for that, though. So why keep holding back? It wasn’t as though not speaking her feelings would make them disappear. They were there, and there to stay, that much was painfully obvious. Especially painfully so whenever it was Sousuke went on mission, leaving her to worry for his safety. Finished with her task in the kitchen, she dropped heavily on the couch and stared up at the ceiling. Just what in the hell was she waiting for? Any thought that she wanted him to be the first to say it was just an excuse, and she well knew it. She had been ready to be the one to put it all out there once before, now she was just putting it off, and for no good reason.

I see you waiting
Lonesome, lonely
I see you waiting
I see you waiting
A sharp knock on the door snapped her out of her thoughts. Looking at the clock, she grunted as she dragged herself to her feet and went to answer. Quickly peeking through the hole, her spirits lifted at the familiar stoic stance of the person on the other side. Opening up, she stared up at him, confused when he made no effort to walk in. Tilting her head to the side, she chewed on her lip nervously, “Sousuke? Is everything all right?”

That seemed to wake him up, and he blinked as though seeing her for the first time. Nodding slowly, he shifted his weight uncomfortably, “Yes. Everything is fine.” Their eyes met once more, regret, sadness, weariness, and loneliness mirrored in amber and grey gazes. After a time, they both opened their mouths to say something, and both clamped their mouths shut to allow the other to speak.

Smiling wryly, Kaname interrupted Sousuke’s next attempt to speak with a short shake of her head. “You first.” He blinked at her, as though surprised that she knew what he was about to say, then smiled and shook his head, with an expression on his face that said he clearly ought to have known better.

Now, he just had to get the words out.

Well, this is not for real, afraid to feel
I just hit the floor, don't ask for more
I'm wasting my time, I'm wasting my time
You can't stop the feeling, there is no reason
Let's make the call and take it all
I'm wasting my time, I'm wasting my
“I... missed you,” he murmured, after several long minutes had passed. Disgusted with himself for not being able to say what he truly wanted, he stared down at his feet.

Kaname gripped the doorjamb, looking over Sousuke’s shoulder with a slight frown. She nodded just a bit, stepping aside and holding the door open. “I missed you, too.”

Taking the offered entrance, Sousuke hung up his coat and leaned down to unlace his boots. Finally closing the door on the freezing temperatures, Kaname rubbed her arms to warm up, just realizing how cold she had been, standing there like that, waiting. “I’ll make some tea,” she whispered, Sousuke grunting his acknowledgment as he tugged his boots off and set them aside. She walked past him and back into the kitchen, filling a pot with water and setting it on the stove top.

Sousuke stepped in behind her, frowning as she shivered and tried to warm herself once more. Feeling guilty that he had left her standing in the cold for nothing, he steeled himself and stepped forward, “Chidori.”

Well, this is not for real, afraid to feel
I just hit the floor, don't ask for more
I'm wasting my time, I'm wasting my time
You can't stop the feeling, there is no reason
Let's make the call and take it all
I'm wasting my time again, woah again
“It’ll just be a few minutes for the water to boil,” she answered, turning around after setting down the tea she would make. The look in Sousuke’s eyes kept her from making any further comments. She couldn’t glance away if she had wanted to, and he slowly walked up to stand directly in front of her.

His hands lifted and he lightly gripped her arms, smoothing his palms over her as he partly tried to warm her, partly used it as an excuse to have some physical contact as he finally willed himself to stop wasting both of their time already and say it. “I love you, Chidori.”

Letting out the breath she’d been holding some of the redness left her cheeks as she filled her lungs, though the happy blush kept her face heated. Smiling up at him, she tilted her head and nodded just a bit, slipping her arms under his and around his back, “I love you, too, Sousuke.”

He wrapped his arms around her shoulders and held her close, pressed tightly against his chest, and she snuggled against him for the warmth. Ducking his head, he pressed a gentle kiss to her forehead and let out a long sigh. She tried to shift to look up at him, but he held her too tightly, and so she settled for making an inquisitive noise instead. Smiling, he ran a hand along her hair and shook his head. “That was easier than I thought it’d be.”

“Then why’d it take you so long?” she asked, laughter ringing in her voice.

Grinning, he pulled back and shrugged, “I’m not sure. What about you?”

She chuckled and returned the shrug, smiling broadly up at him. “Good question. Let’s not waste any more time dwelling on it though, hm?”

“Agreed.”