Work Text:
The sight of wall Rose was a welcome one on the horizon, growing larger with each passing moment. All your life, you’d dreamed of finally setting foot outside the walls, but it was nothing like you’d imagined. Your first expedition had been one of incalculable bloodshed, not that you had much to compare it to. You’d seen your friends, rookies like you, as well as accomplished Scouts wiped out in the blink of an eye, entire squads destroyed in the mayhem.
Most of them, you knew, had died without having so much as a glimpse of their soulmate, their destined partner for the remainder of their lives. You couldn't imagine what that was like, for either party. To die so alone, without ever having felt complete seemed a terrifying thought; but then again, so did finding out your intended had died before even knowing their name. You didn’t even want to think about the couples that had joined the military together. It seemed to you that there were no winners in the Scouts, only survivors.
You weren’t sure of what your own soulmate would make of your death, although luckily that wasn’t today. Their first words to you, imprinted on your arm, seemed rude, hostile. ‘Stay the fuck away from me’. Maybe that was for the best. Maybe they wouldn’t mind too much at all when you inevitably died.
The somber attitude of the platoon made the air thick, heavy even after you were safely inside the walls. Squad leaders took role call, writing down the names of those that were missing or confirmed to have died. Friends comforted each other where they could, crying out their losses into each other’s arms. You yourself were barely holding back tears, having seen a good number of your friends crushed in the female titan’s path. But still, you knew you wouldn’t be doing anyone any favours by breaking down now, not when so many things needed to be done.
As you surveyed the crowd before you, disorganised and hurting, you caught sight of Captain Levi off to the side. He was angled away from the others, sat on a crate of spare supplies. The usual icey alertness in his expression was dulled, muted in the most worrying way.
You shifted on your feet as you debated going over to check on him. The Captain had always intimidated you, even before joining the core. His detached attitude unsettled you, even if you had a pretty good idea over why he had it. But still, leaving him looking so dejected didn’t sit right with you. You’d always made a point to help anyone you could, in the military or otherwise, and you saw no reason to stop now. Cautiously, you weaved through the crowd and made your way over.
“Sir?” You took several steps closer, not wanting to shout. Levi seemed to be pulled from his daze almost instantaneously. He turned to you, expression dark and eyes sharp. The way he pulled himself to his feet reminded you of a snake, coiled before their attack.
“Stay the fuck away from me.” He hissed. There was anger in his eyes, but also pain.
You froze in your tracks, simply staring at Levi in shock. He didn’t seem to know the significance of his words, or he just didn’t care. Without further comment, he stomped past you, bumping your shoulder quite roughly, and stormed away.
Watching him leave, you found your feet firmly rooted to the ground like never before. You willed yourself to move, to run after him, but you just couldn’t. Perhaps that was for the best. Levi certainly seemed like he needed some space, some alone time for now. Maybe he’d come and find you later, apologize for the way he acted and sweep you off your feet?
Knowing what you did about Captain Levi, that seemed unlikely. You weren’t really sure how to feel about having him as a soulmate - it was certainly unexpected. Just going by his reputation, you’d assume he didn’t feel anything at all. People tended to speak of him as more of a machine than a human being. Perhaps he was completely against the idea of soulmates and that was why he’d pushed you away. You didn’t know and you weren’t sure you wanted to.
“Y/N! Come on, load up the supply wagons, we need this shit back to HQ before nightfall so inventory can be done in the morning!” Your squad leader called out to you. You jolted, mind ripped from your train of thought, and did as you were ordered. For the rest of the day, it seemed as if your brain was working on auto-pilot, doing what yo were told without much thought to anything else. It was only after dinner, when all the work was done and your head hit the pillow, that you allowed yourself to cry, overwhelmed with the day’s events.
Levi had never met his soulmate, a fact that when he was younger wouldn’t have surprised him. In the underground, people died far too often to keep track, no one paid much attention to their future. And those that did find their soulmates often had them used against them as blackmail - it was a weakness Levi had shunned for most of his early years, resigning himself to a life alone.
Besides, even if he did come across his soulmate, it’d be a miracle he’d be able to tell at all. The first words his they’d say to him would be indistinct, a simple ‘Sir?’ and not much else. Even before joining the military, Levi knew it would be hard to spot them. After being promoted to the rank of Captain, it was almost impossible.
To try and beat such unidentifiable first words, Levi tried to make his first words to anyone new unique, hoping that they’d have something much easier to spot written on their own arms and recognise it immediately when Levi finally met them. Normally he chose some kind of creative insult, those were by far the easiest to make unique to each new person, yet he had no such luck.
Any lingering ray of hope Levi possessed that he;d one day find his soulmate, despite all the odds, was shut down. In his mind, it was probably for the best. Levi’s chances of survival, as a member of the Scouts, was slim at best. It’d be easier for him to never know them at all rather than love them and then have them deal with his loss - or their own death if they were a member of the military. Having a soulmate certainly didn’t help any of his squad. Their lives were snuffed out in an instant, like sparks jumping out of a fire. Love didn’t save them and it certainly wouldn’t save Levi when the time came.
In the weeks that followed, you threw yourself into your training. Mostly, it was away to keep yourself busy, a way to forget the carnage of the last mission and the loss of your friends. But also, you hoped to make yourself useful in some way. Even if you didn’t admit it, you clung onto some vein hope that if you excelled, it would get Levi to notice you - to see that you weren’t useless and you were more than capable of living up to his idea of a soulmate.
And he certainly did notice you. With so many losses, the Scouts were forced to restructure their squads, splitting up teams in an effort to give everyone an equal number of comrades. You offered little protest when you were assigned to Mike’s team, even if the other members of his squad were far more experienced than you. Even so, they were warm and welcoming, going out of their way to bridge the gap in your knowledge and bring you up to speed. It wasn’t long after that when Levi began to take notice of you. You often caught him watching you as you trained or sat with your new squad, seemingly more interested in your activities than his own.
He couldn’t explain why, but Levi felt drawn to you in a way he hadn’t with anyone else, as if there was an invisible force in his chest tugging him in that direction. While it was unnerving, something told Levi it was right too. At first, he didn’t even know your name. He was forced to snoop about, ask indirectly so as not to arouse suspicion. If Hanji heard him asking about a soldier by name, she’d interrogate the both of you to kingdom come.
For the first time in years, Levi had a glimmer of hope in his heart that you might be his soulmate. Even just your name touched something within him, made him even more eager to talk to you. But he restrained himself. With such an obscure first word to him, Levi knew he had to make his own count.
He pondered for days on what to say to you, hoping that whatever he chose would be etched onto your arm for the rest of your life. Part of him wanted to say something meaningful and romantic, ridiculously sappy considering the circumstances. Doing that seemed risky, especially since there was no guarantee you were his soulmate at all.
As it happened, the choice was taken away from him - at least partially.
Insomnia was no stranger to Levi, he’d had trouble sleeping for as long as he remembered. Tea usually helped, despite the caffeine it contained. Over the years, Levi had perfected his own personal way to make tea, mostly in the long nights where sleep failed him completely and he could finish almost a whole box. The night gave Levi time to think that he didn’t get during the day. When the rest of the core was sleeping, time seemed to slow and he could get the peace he craved during the day.
That’s why, when sleep evaded him again, he made the familiar journey down to the kitchens, not another soul in sight, and made himself some tea from the last of their supplies.
He stared mutedly at the teabag as it soaked in his mug, allowing his mind to wander to the other nights recently where he’d found himself in the same position. Since the escape of the female titan, sleeplessness had become all the more common for Levi. It felt as if there was something missing but he couldn’t tell what.
“Sir?” Levi hadn’t heard you approach, mind sluggish with exhaustion and otherwise occupied. If you ask him about it afterwards, Levi would adamantly deny the way you made him jump, whirling around so fast he knocked his mug off the side. While he managed to catch it, it’s contents were spilled in the process.
“Fucking hell, i almost dropped my tea!” Levi snapped, sending a glare your way as he slammed the mug back on the side. When he saw it was you, his eyes widened for a moment and he paused.
What had he done? That’s not what he wanted to say at all! But even so, if it was meant to be, you’d recognize the comment as the same words written on your arm. So Levi froze for several seconds, staring and waiting for any flicker of recognition behind your eyes.
“Sorry Sir, i didn’t know you were in here… would you like me to make you another?” You asked, eyes wide. Levi was intimidating at the best of times, even disregarding your first meeting. His presence in the kitchens this late at night caught you off guard, and obviously Levi felt the same.
He stared at you for a moment longer before his eyes narrowed and his brow pulled into a frown. You didn’t recognise the words. You weren’t his soulmate. Levi was taken aback by just how much the knowledge crushed him, eating away at his chest until he was practically breathless.
You waited for Levi to reply, not wanting to say anything else in case you angered him further. The frown he wore turned into a glare in the blink of an eye.
“Don’t bother, i was just leaving.” He stalked past you but unlike the first time you’d spoken to him, he didn’t crash into your shoulder. Instead, he slammed the door hard as he left, as if that voiced his frustration.
You were left alone in the kitchen and after several moments, tears began to form in the corners of your eyes. Why did your soulmate have to be him? Why did he hate you so much? At this point, you weren’t sure if something was wrong with him, or with you.
The next few weeks didn’t get any easier. As much as you tried to ignore it, Levi certainly seemed to voice his dislike of you more openly. He berated you for every little thing, even if he had to go out of his way to do so. Some more about Levi being a dick? Maybe giving extra cleaning so it interfears with your other duties? Several times, Mike was even forced to step in and remind Levi to concern himself with his own squad instead of others.
Your squad was more empathetic than you’d expected, even if they didn’t know the full situation that had transpired between the two of you. You spent most of your time with Henning, often being paired together for various chores. In many ways, you were much alike. He’d lost his soulmate during the fall of wall Maria and although the same wasn’t true for you, you could empathize with the sense of loss, the disappearance of a future and all that might have been. It hurt you both equally to see your squad leader and Nanaba so happy together but you smiled through the pain and did your best to be happy for them.
The more time you spent with Henning, it seemed, the more loathsome Levi became. You couldn’t recall having a single positive reaction with the Captain, or even a neutral one. It seemed as if every opportunity, even just passing him by in the corridor, was enough to incur his wrath. And as much as you tried to ignore it, to rise above the ache in your chest, you couldn’t.
The rain was deafening on the roof of the stables as you mucked out the horses, a storm well and truly on the way. It was difficult work but you and Henning had drawn the short straws this time around, much to your annoyance. You chatted together as you worked, making good time with each stall.
“I’d like to see Nanaba doing this…” Henning huffed. You snorted imagining it. While Nanaba was by no means work shy, the more unsavoury tasks always seemed to be left to someone else. You knew it was Mike’s doing, even if he didn’t mean it. He couldn’t help but favour his soulmate, that was just how people were wired - all except Levi it seemed.
“Do you know what i think?” You panted, out of breath from the work. Henning grunted, urging you to continue. “I reckon it’s the smell… Mike’s nose is better than a bloodhound. Even with ten showers he’d probably still be able to smell the shit on her… His sensitive nose just can’t handle it…” You smirked back at him when Henning started to laugh, snorting in his attempt to stifle himself.
“It seems a bit pedantic then if you ask me… shying away from a bit of horse shit considering the line of work we’re in… there are worse things to be concerned about…” Henning didn’t bother clarifying, and you weren’t sure you wanted to know. It was obvious that at least for a moment, his mind was somewhere else. Instead of letting him stew in his thoughts, you tried to lighten the mood.
“Well at least it shows he cares about her, i guess. I can only hope my soulmate is merciful enough to save me from shovelling shit too…” The corners of Henning’s mouth twitched up but not much more.
“Don’t bother looking for them, they’re more trouble than they're worth… at least in my opinion…” Henning trailed off, stabbing his pitchfork into the hay a little more aggressively than before. “Just keep your head down and you’ll be one of the best soldiers in the squad in no time.” This time, he allowed a genuine smile. You smiled back, at least until a thought occurred to you.
“Oh shit,” You dropped the pitchfork. “I was supposed to hand in some paperwork to Mike - that development review because of my transfer.”
“What was the deadline?”
“Today…” You were so fucked. You were just grateful the punishment would come from Mike and not from someone like Levi who’d make you run until you collapsed. Henning must have recognised the look of dread on your face.
“Well go then! If you hand it in now, he’ll probably still accept it. It’s still today, isn’t it?”
“But the horses-”
“I’ll take care of it.” Henning chuckled. “It’s really not worth being punished over - just go and hand it in!”
“You’re the best.” Panic averted, you let your shoulders drop and turned to leave. The rain outside was still heavy but you’d rather get a wet uniform than disappoint your new squad leader. With a huff, you braced yourself and took a step forward.
“Take my cloak.” The green material was thrown at your head before you had a chance to turn round. You barely managed to catch it before it fell to the floor. “Just make sure you bring it back before i finish here - i don’t fancy walking back to HQ in this weather…”
“Have i mentioned you’re the best?” You asked as you put it on.
“Several times so far, but say it again - i love compliments.”
With a snort and a wave you turned to make the walk back to the main building. The rain was practically sleet, much colder than you’d been expecting. Internally, you thanked Henning again for his cloak and did your best not to let it drag on the floor and collect mud.
You were hit with a blast of warm air as you closed the front door of the castle, the fires in various rooms doing their job of keeping out the cold outside. With a sign, you pushed your hood back and started towards the women’s barracks where you’d been working on the paperwork that had to be handed in.
“Who the fuck is treading mud through this fucking castle?” You froze when you heard Levi’s voice. It was enough to put dread in you even without the angry tone. “Oi!” You turned around when you heard your name, Levi striding towards you with an expression to match his tone. When he saw who it was, recognition crossed his face and his expression darkened even more.
“Cadet Y/N, what the fuck is this?” He seethed, gesturing to the mud you’d left in a trail from the front door. You signed internally, wishing you’d taken off your shoes before going anywhere. Of course Levi would be about - he seemed to be everywhere you turned these days.
“It’s mud, Sir.” You weren’t in the mood to be chastised but you held your tongue. Pissing Levi off even more just didn’t seem worth it.
“Mud.” Levi confirmed. “And where does mud belong?”
“Outside Captain.”
“Then why the fuck did you bring it in here and ruin my nice clean floor?” He didn’t wait for a reply before continuing. “You’re gonna spend the whole night cleaning it, both this hallway and the entirety of the first floor. And then once you’ve done that, you’ll clean my office too for good measure.”
The urge to sigh was debilitating but you resisted.
“Yes Sir. But may i give something to my squad leader first? It’s time sensitive.”
“No, fucking get to work, cadet. If i give you any slack, you’ll only use it to make secret visits to your boyfriend.” You frowned, both in confusion and irritation. Of course he wouldn’t let you go now. You kicked yourself for holding out any hope that Levi was a reasonable human being. “I bet that’s even his cloak your wearing, right? It’s certainly not yours.” Did he mean… Henning?
Levi spotted the flicker of recognition on your face almost immediately.
“What, did you think the two of you were being subtle?” He asked cruelly. Again, you were given no chance of reply. “You know, Y/N, I’m disappointed. I would’ve thought you’d know better than to fraternise with people in your squad. And for gods sakes, you’re not even soulmates! Do you just enjoy playing sick mind games with your peers or something?”
That was it. Finally, after enduring his verbal abuse for weeks, you snapped. The irony in his statement was just too much.
“I’m the one playing mind games here?” For a moment, Levi seemed taken aback by the outburst. You plowed on, done with his bullshit. “Henning and i are just friends! And if you really care so much about soulmates and what the fuck i do with my time, why have you been such an asshole to be for months? It’s pretty clear you don’t want a soulmate so why do you care so much about what I do?”
“What the fuck do you mean, cadet? What does my soulmate have to do with any of this? Don’t try and detract from the fact you’re clearly happy to fuck anyone, regardless of who their soulmate is. That’s something anyone would disapprove of.”
“I’m not fucking anyone!” You raised your voice. “And even if i was, you have no right to be angry about that. You outright rejected me, forgive me for hanging around other people after that.”
“What the fuck do you mean cadet?” Levi repeated, voice practically a growl at being spoken to in such a way. Even through his anger, Levi’s confusion was growing. “You act like I owe you something - like we’re soulmates. I know for a fact we aren’t.” And that was what Levi was so bitter about, not having you as a soulmate and seeing you prance around with others.
“Oh aren’t we?” You laughed bitterly even as you began crying. You pulled the arm of your shirt up somewhat violently, the button on the cuff popping off and rolling away on the floor, and exposed your mark.
‘Stay the fuck away from me.’
Levi frowned. Why would anyone say that on their first meeting with their soulmate? Whoever you were destined to be with, they sure seemed like an asshole.
“I expected our first meeting to be a little rough.” You sniffed. Now that you were exposed, your cards laid bare, the anger and fight seemed to have dissipated slightly. “But… but i had no idea how cruel you’d be to me afterwards…”
Levi froze. It was him? No, it couldn’t have been - he would have remembered… right? He would’ve never pushed you away like that. The first time he remembered meeting you was in the kitchen late at night. The first thing he’d said was something about tea, not essentially telling you to fuck off. Levi wasn’t sure what to think. Was this some kind of mistake? A prank maybe? The look on your face indicated you certainly weren’t pretending.
“I…” Levi swallowed, voice uncharacteristically quiet and confused. “When did this happen? I spoke to you… for the first time… that was in the kitchen a few weeks ago…” Wasn’t it. The alternative seemed horrible to admit. Had he really met you for the first time, insulted you, and then forgot? And then on top of that, berated and verbally abused you for weeks afterwards? No wonder you were speaking out of turn, Levi didn’t think he’d have been able to put up with the situation for as long in your place.
“It was after the last expedition…” You sniffed, pulling you shirt back over your arm. “I heard about your squad and you looked upset, so i wanted to see if you were ok… i didn’t even get two words in and you stormed off…”
Levi’s eyes went wide. He vaguely remembered something like that, a cadet coming up to him once they were back in the walls. He hadn’t even looked at them before snapping and leaving. Had that really been you? As much as Levi hoped not, the truth was difficult today for any longer. There was a sinking feeling in his stomach. You’d been kind to him. No one else had asked how he was doing, treating him more like a robot than a person. And with everything going on with Eren, there hadn’t been time to stop and mourn for his squad either. It was no wonder you hated him, shutting you down like that. Levi couldn’t speak, all words escaping him for the first time since Farlan and Isabel had died.
“I thought… for ages, i thought something was wrong with me… i thought maybe I’d done something…” Your voice broke off as you gathered yourself a little. “But then i realised actually no - you’re the asshole here, not me. I have nothing to be sorry for…”
You pushed past Levi and left, continuing on your original journey back to the women’s barracks, tears still streaming down your face. Finally confronting Levi seemed like such a relief to you after the weeks of torment you’d endured, even if it did upset you in the process. You found the fact he’d forgotten your first encounter hard to believe but even then, practically bullying you didn’t seem like the answer. You forced yourself to take a deep breath, knowing you were in the right in this situation. But no matter who’s fault it was, you knew everything was about to change.