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Shepard didn't quite know why she was at the airlock, suited up, helmet on, and ready to do an EVA to check on some of the Normandy's systems from the outside.
Well, yes, she did know why -- because it was the middle of the night cycle and why bother waking someone else up when EDI could patch through to the ship's CO and request her instead. All technical information stated the CO shouldn't be on such a task, but the Normandy was such a cluster-fuck of command it didn't matter. If the Alliance cared to take a close look they'd find that she was a Spectre ship and outside of any kind of jurisdiction of anyone but the Council. Even then so long as she stayed away from such things as 'kill all life' or 'destroy the Council' her actions and the consequences of were ignored.
Joker was camped out in his cot, hat drawn low over his eyes to blot out the continuous glare of light from the nearby cockpit. Almost everyone else who staffed the bridge and CIC during the day cycle were also camped out in the crew quarters or sleeper pods, leaving only a skeleton crew around.
Shepard tugged on her helmet, checking the seals were tight and checking them again. Call her paranoid, but being spaced and dying would give anyone cause to be concerned over their equipment.
"Run me through it again, EDI," Shepard said, straightening up and looking at the grey door of the airlock.
"It is a minor procedure, Shepard. I have been getting some erroneous readings from the underside of the hull and only a visual inspection will determine the cause."
"Why wasn't this picked up earlier?" Shepard adjusted her seals again, her ears heightened to the sound of circulating air. Leakage could only be determined in an airless situation. "Donnelley did a sweep of the systems earlier."
"My sensors only picked up this within the past hour, and by that time the night crew was settled in their routine and the day crew was asleep." EDI paused, and Shepard waited for an apology that never appeared.
Instead, Shepard sighed and nodded, all to try and reassure herself. "Okay, let's get this checked out."
Almost the second the words were out of her mouth, the inner airlock door closed behind Shepard. Shepard tried to settle herself as the air started to be sucked out, back into the main part of the Normandy, leaving little to escape out into space.
That hissing sounded exactly like a damaged air pipe, spraying precious oxygen out. Cold fear grabbed Shepard's heart, tightening its grip around her chest; she shook her head, taking a couple of deep breaths and holding them before exhaling. A note blipped up on her HUD, indicating an elevated heart rate and increased blood pressure; she turned her eyes to the other side, ignoring the flashing signs. She concentrated on taking deep breaths, inhaling and exhaling in controlled motions.
Once the air had been drained, the other airlock door beeped multiple times in succession before opening. Even in the soundless void of space Shepard imagined them opening with a gentle swoosh, pride in them revealing the sight of thousands of stars to her. Shepard glanced at them for a mere second before turning her attention to the EVA tether line. She hooked it onto a couple of clips on her suit for such a purpose and looked back out into space again.
She stayed still.
She continued to stay still, even as the Normandy moved through space, the mass drive red-shifting everything in Shepard's field of view. Despite her brain prodding at her, coaxing her and telling her that she needed to move she did nothing.
She'd heard of astrophobia -- most on a low level and encountered with new recruits who'd never stepped off their home planet. The idea that the galaxy was so large as to make them as insignificant as a molecule of nitrogen on a beach tore people in two directions, one being wonder and one being fear.
Shepard's pulse picked up again, the notification in her HUD turning from a green note to an amber warning. Her lungs squeezed out the air they held, but another breath didn't feel like it filled them back up again. She fought back, focusing her mind back on breathing, but the leash on her mind had snapped and was bounding around picking up multiple worries and not willing to drop any.
Astrophobia -- the overwhelming fear or anxiety of space and stars.
With the tether still tied on, Shepard slumped to her knees, gaze fixated on the stars swooping past. She'd had an adverse reaction to seeing space, back when she'd been rebuilt and saw space out of the shuttle window; she'd fought it down, quashing it, putting it away in a dank cupboard, looking the door, and hiding the key on the opposite end of the galaxy.
At least it was only surfacing on an unimportant task and not when, oh, she'd need to do a space walk to save her life.
Time passed by -- Shepard didn't know how much, her own sense distorted by the icy tendrils of fear that refused to be shattered. EDI made no communication efforts towards her, something Shepard just about managed to note in her panic. As some of the panic subsided, Shepard managed to claw back enough control to be able to dim her visor, changing the view from that of star-streaked space to one of inky blackness.
"Shepard? Shepard! C'mon, answer me. I know you're there, EDI's sensors are picking you up. Shepard!"
The knot of anxiety, the tendrils of fear, the inescapable panic started to subside. As Kaidan was starting to talk to her again, repeating his statements, Shepard managed to choke out a quick couple of words.
"Kaidan? I'm--" Shepard took another shallow breath, licking her too-dry lips. No air. Why does there seem to be no air?
She heard an excessively loud but relieved sigh over her comm. link. "You're still there. Good. EDI contacted me when your pulse spiked." If Shepard stretched, she could just about make out the little taps and beeps of someone working on an omni-tool. She fixated on that sound, focusing and making a mental image in her mind. Not in the airlock, not out in space; settled in bed, or nestled on a chair. Tapping away on an omni-tool, playing one of the myriad of games she'd picked up along the years.
She closed her eyes and let her head rest back against the hull. Galaxy of Fantasy. Yeah, that game would do. The mini version, portable, designed exclusively for omni-tools. The offnet version...
"I'm linked in. I -- shit." More tapping away at the omni-tool -- playing one of those mini-games, testing out a new weapon. New design -- an axe this time. Crafted by her, made from materials she'd hand-mined. Completely personalised.
"Okay, Shepard. I need you to calm down. Talk to me, tell me what you see."
Shepard opened her eyes back up, though all she could see was still darkness. "I see...death. Destruction. Chaos. My death. My destruction. My chaos."
"Okay." Shepard heard shuffling, followed by a soft thump. "I'm sitting right here, Shepard. I'm right behind this air lock, okay? Focus on me, focus on my voice."
Shepard nodded, despite Kaidan not being able to see her, though the question of whether he was linked into the airlock's camera floated into her mind.
"The underside of the hull. You're tethered up, right?"
"Yeah," Shepard said in an exhale.
"Then you're safe. Stand up, get to your feet, but don't move out yet."
Shepard paused for a long moment, alternating between looking out at the scene she knew was there, and back towards the hull of the airlock.
"C'mon, Shepard. You can do this. It's just going for a walk."
"A long walk off a short pier into thrashing water."
"You know that's not true. There is nothing here. No one's here but me. It's just you, me, going for a walk."
Shepard took another breath, standing up on the exhale. Three more breaths passed before she undimmed her visor. She let her vision slide past the stars, seeing them but not recognising them, not acknowledging what they were.
"Good. Now, take a few steps forward."
Shepard smiled, torn between a smirk and a grimace. So he was watching. She took three steps, leaving herself on the edge of the open airlock. One hand pressed against the hull, more to steady herself than any need to hold onto something, and she turned her head downwards and to the left.
"The damaged section's not that far from the airlock. Half a dozen steps or so and you should be in the area."
Shepard stayed where she was for a good few moments, taking care in ensuring she had good, steady breaths. She activated her magrav boots and stopped.
"How many times have you done an EVA?"
"Are you sure this is the right topic to discuss right now, Major?"
"Curiosity demands an answer."
"Loads." Shepard put one foot down, magrav boots ensuring she stuck to the hull with a solid thunk. "More than I can count. You?"
"A fair number. Used to volunteer when I was an enlistee."
A second step. "So did I."
Kaidan chuckled, drawing a smile to Shepard's lips. "Couldn't get enough of space?"
"Never." Another step. "At least, not back then." The smile disappeared and Shepard looked out into space. The stars continued to zoom by, one in a thousand known to the Citadel races.
"Keep going."
Shepard took another step and managed to squeeze out a small laugh, more a mix of anxiety and fear than any kind of actual relief or amusement. "I couldn't wait to sign up for the Alliance. Venture around and see new places, live in new areas, and be paid to do so? Oh, yes please." She heard Kaidan chuckle. "You'd think the fact that I was born in space would curb that kind of enthusiasm."
"Or exacerbate it. Are you saying that you know spacer kids who didn't grow up with an appreciation around them?"
Another step. "Of course. Even an incredible situation can be normalised if you encounter it every day." Another step (5). "Some spacer kids I knew were almost bored by space living. Spending three months on a planet for them was the fun part; me, I just wanted to get back to space."
By now, Shepard could see the section of the hull that EDI's sensors had picked up. A small fragment of shrapnel appeared to be embedded in the hull, deep enough to cause more than superficial damage but not so great that it risked damage to any systems.
"How about you? Did you ever look to the stars and dream?"
"All the time. Well, until I got to see space personally, then some of the romance died."
Shepard moved over to the damaged section, doing a closer visual inspection. That corroborated her earlier thoughts, and in one quick motion Shepard managed to remove the shrapnel, looping it into her belt for safety. A quick coating of omni-gel sealed the damage -- good enough to keep them until they reached a safe dock for better repairs.
"And then?"
"Well, that's the funny part." Kaidan fell silent for a moment. "I met this woman. Complete...well, badass. Fought back against an invasion of Elysium, earned the Star of Terra for it. Biotic to boot, and beautiful as well. N7 special ops. Of course, it would be my luck to meet her as my newest XO for a shakedown mission on a new prototype ship."
Shepard smiled, turning around and heading back to the airlock. "And?"
"Well, the truth turned out to be a lot more interesting. XO becomes CO and a Spectre, we pick up a motley crew, and we uncover the horrible truth that space-faring civilization will end if we don't do anything.
"And, somewhere along the lines, I ended up falling for her."
"What happened next?" Shepard was almost back to the airlock, the return journey having gone a lot smoother than the outgoing one. She stepped back into the airlock, closing the outer door behind her. Decon protocol skipped over, the pressure in the airlock normalised with that in the Normandy, and the inner airlock door cycled open.
Shepard took her helmet off, looking up at Kaidan.
"What's next? That's a little tricky to say. The story's still going."
Shepard put her helmet down and knelt down to work on her magrav boots. Kaidan stepped forwards, kneeling down as well.
"So, no fairy tale ending? No 'they lived happily ever after'?"
"Not yet," Kaidan said, reaching a hand up to the side of Shepard's torso. "But there's still a lot of story to write. We'll get there, someday."
Shepard smiled as Kaidan undid the clasps on the side of her suit, letting it drop to the floor. "Someday, huh."
Kaidan leaned in, pressing his lips gently against Shepard's. He pulled back after a second, a smile on his own face. "Someday."