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He let his fingers slide through his brown locks, to fluff them up but also to relieve some of his stress and anxiety that came with the convention. Over the past one and a half years he has grown exponentially, now having more fans than his previous time at Vidcon. It was kind of nostalgic. The crowd, the stress, and the thousands of selfies and autographs he was asked for. Only this time he didn’t quite get to enjoy himself. He was on the verge of passing out because of his new “low-intake” diet, which he found on a sketchy tumblr account. His mind drifting to food and calories. The constant brain fog wasn’t convenient either.
It started out as forgetting to eat because of stress and anxiety but spiraled into this vicious cycle of euphoria, pain and guilt that came with the constant fight with his body and the control-game. He was already thin to begin with but seeing himself getting smaller and the numbers dropping on the scale was such bliss that he didn’t want to let go of it. Grasping it with anything and everything, even when his body was screaming for food, nutrition or at least anything but the bottles of water he drank to suppress his hunger. His body was screaming at him, calling out for something because it was literally eating itself to survive.
He didn’t want to admit it but as much as it fucked with his perception of himself, it also fucked up with the perception of other people. Yes, he was sometimes seen as mean, or a bit harsh, but he didn’t want to think like this . Especially not if his own supporters. He stared at other people and saw how much fat they had on their body. Thoughts like
‘Oh my god it can’t be that hard to not eat like a pig right?’
‘I wouldn’t eat for weeks if I was that size.’
‘How can people live like this? How are they not embarrassed about their existence?’
‘They’d look really pretty if they worked out and ate less.’
‘Look at their thighs and stomach, that’s so disgusting to look at. I hope they aren’t one of my fans.’
‘I don’t wanna go near them, they look revolting.’
were constantly repeated in his head. He didn’t want ti be like that, he wanted to accept his fans as they are, but something about people with s bigger size bugged him. He was starving and they just walk around like elephants. It was sickening. It was sickening that he thought like that. It was sickening that he was such a horrible person.