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“Hye? Hyejoo? Hyejoo!”
He turns his head to see his girlfriend looking adorable under her duvet cover. He manages a small smile even though his thoughts and heart were racing against each other.
He was going to do it today. He kept telling himself that but still wasn’t sure if he actually would. He said the same thing last month but never went through with it. He feels bad like he’s lying. He knows that he shouldn’t be worrying so much about it but he can’t help himself.
“Are you alright?”
He feels a soft hand on his face when he realizes that Hyunjin is standing right in front of him. He peers down to match his eyesight with his girlfriend’s who is only a little shorter than himself. He could see the concern in her eyes and he couldn’t help being mad at himself for it.
Just say it. You know that she will be okay with it.
“I’m okay.” He lies and tries not to look away. He was never good at lying, especially when looking into his lover’s eyes. He told his brain to say the truth but his mouth didn’t listen. There was no use in lying when he knows how well his girlfriend’s intuitions are.
“Don’t lie to me, baby.” Hyunjin pouts and he of course feels a pang in his heart. Not only from her cuteness but also because he knew that he might actually have to go through with it this time. He was so lost in his thoughts until he felt his hand being pulled down. “Just let me hold you.” He felt Hyunjin say as she laid down with him, hugging him from behind. “Tell me what’s wrong, please.”
He could hear the pleading in her voice. He tried to work up the courage to say something but his voice felt nonexistent. He was glad that Hyunjin couldn’t see his face right now because he could feel the bitter feeling in his throat that came before tears. He tried to focus on fighting them back while Hyunjin kept talking. “I love you, you know? You’ve been off for a while. I tried to not say anything but I can’t see you like this anymore. It breaks my heart, Hye.” She left some kisses down lightly on his neck before she held his hand.
He held on and squeezed. With his girlfriend’s hand in his, he felt a little better. Still terrified, but at least his lips were moving this time. “I want to tell you. I’m sorry, it’s been really hard.” He felt himself shaking and hoped that Hyunjin wouldn’t notice. “I’ve never told anyone before. I’m so scared.”
“I understand. You can tell me anything whenever you’re ready. I’ll be here.” She traced little hearts and circles on his upper back. He knew immediately what she was doing as it was a habit she did whenever he was sick or upset. He knew he was in good hands.
“I’m, uh. Well, I-” He begins but finds himself not being able to say the correct words. He wants to say it quickly, like ripping off a bandaid but his anxiety wouldn’t let him. He hears Hyunjin whisper behind him, “Take your time.”
“I think- Well, I know but I am a boy.” The words left his mouth and he almost forgets what he said instantly. He said it, that was all that mattered. He felt Hyunjin’s fingers stop mid-circle. He was nervous to see her reaction so he decided to keep facing away from her. Hyunjin obviously didn’t like that idea as she stood up and jumped on top of him. He felt his body lay straight with his back on the bed and Hyunjin on top of him, staring at him with big, teary eyes.
“You’re a jerk! I thought something was wrong!” Hyunjin lightly punched his shoulder before laying her head on it. She whispers into his skin, “I’m so glad. I really thought you did something bad.” He was kind of caught off guard with Hyunjin’s reaction but she seemed okay with it, he thinks.
“So, you’re not mad?” The younger says in a confused whisper. He half knew that she wouldn’t be but there was still that little voice in the back of his head that said otherwise. It said that Hyunjin would immediately get angry and kick him out of her apartment. But he was still there, and Hyunjin was still on top of him, almost like nothing was wrong.
“I love you, baby. I would never get mad over something like this. I’m really proud of you, you know?” The older intertwines her hands with her lover and looks into his eyes to show her sincerity and concern. “I’ll always be here for you.”
All he can do is hug her tighter and cry into her. He had imagined this moment a hundred times but it never went this well in his head. His girlfriend loved him, still. “I love you, Hyunnie”, he makes out between sobs. He hated crying in front of her, or anyone really, (thanks to dysphoria and societal norms) but this time felt different.
“I love you more-” She paused for a second and looked up from her place in his neck. “What should I call you, baby? Did you pick a new name?” He had definitely thought about it but nothing really stuck or fit. He hated being seen as anything girly but he still liked his name. Well, he liked Hye more than Hyejoo but still, he didn't have a problem with his name. It was the way everyone sees him, and his body.
“I still like Hyejoo. I prefer just Hye, but Hyejoo is still okay.” He said and smiled to himself. He still couldn’t believe he was telling anyone this, let alone his favorite person in the world.
“Ohhh, I understand. I love you, Hye.” She smiles really big like she does when she sees a random cat in their neighborhood, or when he brings her bread after classes. He’s glad he could bring that smile out of her, especially at a time like this when he expected the opposite. He’s going to miss it, but he knows his dysphoria wouldn’t let him date a lesbian. Of course, he loves Hyunjin more than a friend but he knew that she wanted to be with a girl. It broke his heart but he knew it was for the best for her.
“I know you’re a lesbian and everything so I really hope we can still be fri-” He starts to say before Hyunjin starts to giggle. “Why are you laughing?” He pouts a little not even realizing it.
“Hye, I have told you a million times that I’m bi. Remember, I dated that boy in middle school?” He feels stupid because how did he not know that? He was worrying over something that didn’t even matter.
“But you said the other day to Heej-” She giggles again and Hye is just glad he can hear it again.
“I said that because I knew that I didn’t want to be with anyone but you. Plus, it was just easier than explaining who I like when I only see myself with one person for the rest of my life.”
“Oh.”
“Yeah, oh. Now listen to me more next time, I thought you were my boyfriend.” Hyunjin pretends to look offended but he knows she’s joking. Besides, he can only focus on the fact that she just called him her boyfriend. He wanted to hear that for so long.
“Can we go to the mall now? I want to pick out some new clothes for you!” Hye just smiles and nods. He feels relief in the fact that his girlfriend was still his girlfriend and she was totally okay with everything. She was already out the door and heading down the stairs.
He picked up his keys and sighed happily. He finally let out the breath he was holding in for months.