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He stares at the letters on his phone screen. His focus is blurry, that’s how long he’s been staring. 13 messages he sent to Kurt today, some shorter, some longer, none of them answered. He throws his phone next to him on his bed, flops down and closes his eyes. He feels the familiar headache he seems to get on a regular basis these days, maybe because his forehead is constantly in a frown.
He tries to be supportive of Kurt, he can even say that he is genuinely happy that he loves his life in New York so much. But on days like these (more like a weeks, his brain supplies), he can’t help but wonder if Kurt might embrace his new life so much that there is no more space for parts of his old life.
It’s not only the unanswered texts or the phone calls that are always cut short because there is so much work left to do and talk to you later.
It’s not only the cancelled skype-calls or the dozens of photos that are all over Kurt’s social media, so he obviously has the free time but doesn’t want to spend it with Blaine.
It’s mostly that when they talk or text, it’s always about Kurt’s amazing new life, amazing new job, amazing new friends. And before Blaine can explain what’s going on in his life, there’s a sorry, I need to get going, we’ll talk more next time, okay? But they never. And over time, Blaine stops trying to share his stories.
Blaine grabs his phone and scrolls through his contacts. He feels lonely and lost and he’s not sure what or who exactly he’s looking for until his thumb stops scrolling over one name.
Sebastian Smythe (mobile)
He stares. He breathes out. He presses Call.
About an hour later, his phone pings with a new message.
I’m here. [10:37 PM]
Blaine gets up from his bed and smooths out his clothes while he makes his way down. In front of the door, he hesitates for a second. There’s no turning back once he – quite literally – opens this door. Blaine shakes his head and turns the doorknob. Whatever.
“Hey, Killer”, Sebastian smirks at him. He’s looking gorgeous in a dark green t-shirt and blue jeans. Not that gorgeous doesn’t seem to be Sebastian’s default mode for every outfit he wears.
Blaine smiles back and opens the door a little further. “Hey… come in.”
He’s not sure how it happened. One moment, he was sitting on his bed, ranting and complaining about Kurt, and the next, he had Sebastian’s lips on his and the fingers of his right hand tangled in his hair. His mind is fuzzy from all the reasons why this feels so right fighting with all the reason why it should feel wrong. And instead of pushing Sebastian away, he grabs the collar of his shirt and pulls him closer.
He’s not that kind of person. He’s not a cheater. But he hasn’t felt this alive and seen in a very long time and he can’t help himself but greedily take what Sebastian offers all too willingly.
He gets gently pushed back into the cushions as he and Sebastian trade heated kisses. He can’t hold back the small gasp when Sebastian’s mouth leaves his take off his shirt and then to nip and nibble his way down Blaine’s jawline, his neck and right to the crook where it meets his shoulder. At the same time, soft fingertips brush over Blaine’s wrist all the way up his naked forearm to where they meet the hem of his button-down-shirt’s sleeve. Blaine feels like his skin catches fire by Sebastian’s soft touch. Then, he feels one finger dance across his collarbone and the bit of exposed skin there before it toys with his top button.
It’s probably a very quiet sound but in Blaine’s head a loud Bang! explodes when Sebastian’s fingers pop the first button. The second. The third. It’s the fourth, followed by Sebastian’s mouth leaving the crook of his neck and trailing downwards that has Blaine freezing. Sebastian starts sucking a hickey to Blaine’s collarbone and Blaine can’t help it, he gasps, opens his eyes wide in shock and breathes a small “Seb, I… I…”.
Sebastian looks up at him and raises his head. He crawls back up again, their noses brushing and his right hand leaves Blaine’s curls. His fingertips draw lazy circles on his temple. “What, Blaine?” His breath ghosts over Blaine’s lips and it only makes him dizzier. “What do you want? What do you need?”
“Seb, I… I….”, he tries again in a hoarse whisper. Sebastian only smirks.
“Can’t say it, can’t have it, Anderson.”
He holds his breath and releases it again with a soft “I… I’m sorry.” He closes his eyes for a moment. “I’m so sorry, I can’t, Seb. I wish I could but I can’t. I’m sorry…”
Sebastian’s smirk falters for a while and for a moment Blaine thinks he might have seen something like sadness or rejection shadow over his face but when he looks closer, it’s gone. Instead, Sebastian smiles. Not his usual smirk or grin, just a gentle smile. Blaine reaches out a hand and cups Sebastian’s cheek, his eyes big and pleading. “I’m so sorry…” He needs Sebastian to understand that it’s his own fault and his alone.
Sebastian leans into the touch. “Don’t be, it’s okay. Of course, you can’t.” Sebastian kisses the palm of Blaine’s hand once before he rolls over, off of Blaine and out of his reach. Tears sting in Blaine’s eyes as he sits up, wraps his arms around his body and watches Sebastian as he tries to get his hair in order again.
He shouldn’t have called, he doesn’t even know why he did. He just felt sad and lonely and Sebastian always knew how to make him feel bright and sparkly. Yet, he didn’t expect it to turn into what they were just about to do, he didn’t plan on it, okay?
At least not consciously. In hindsight, maybe he should’ve seen it coming – maybe also should’ve seen coming that he is not the type of person to cheat on his boyfriend, as shitty as things might be right now. He didn’t want to hurt Sebastian or destroy whatever slim chance at friendship they still had. Blaine realizes he might just have done exactly that and a tear spills.
“Seb, I’m so sorry… I didn’t… I wanted… I’m not….”, he tries.
Sebastian sighs and turns around. When he sees the expression on his face, annoyance fades and there it is, this smile again. “Oh, Blaine…”
He comes closer, sits down next to him on the bed and lays his arm around Blaine’s shoulders. “I am sorry. I should’ve known that’s not what you need, that’s not what you called me for. It’s not who you are.”
He pulls Blaine closer who rests his head against Sebastian’s shoulder. The other’s hand gets buried in his curls and gently scrapes his skull. Blaine closes his eyes which makes a few tears slip out. They’re just sitting there, Blaine enjoying the soothing effect Sebastian’s fingers have on his, basking in the feeling of comfort and support.
“I thought I might be…”, Blaine whispers with his eyes still closed.
“Be what?” Sebastian answer equally soft.
“Be this kind of person. Risk it all. Burn down the bridge, so to speak.”
Sebastian is quiet for a few moments but keeps brushing his fingers through Blaine’s hair. “Yeah, for a moment I thought so, too”, he answers eventually. “But you’re not.”
“I’m not.” Blaine opens his eyes and looks up at Sebastian. There’s a small frown evident on his face but besides that, not a trace of how he’s feeling. “Not like that, at least.”
Sebastian looks down at him, irritated, and his hand falls down. “What do you mean?”
Blaine shakes his head and looks at his hands. “I could never do something so radical. Especially not with you, with you it would have…”, he hesitates, “meaning. No, I’m not that kind of person and I don’t want to be. But I also don’t want to keep doing what I’ve been doing until it eventually wears me down enough for me to actually go through with cheating.” He takes a deep breath and fumbles with his hands. “I don’t really like myself right now. And it has to do with Kurt but it has to do with me, too. I’m not taking care of myself, I don’t even know who I am sometimes. I used to be different. I used to be bright.”
Sebastian breathes a laugh. “I know, I’ve seen the videos.”
Blaine grins and looks up. “I want to be that person again. I don’t know the plan or how to get there but I know it has to start with a serious conversation about my relationship. I need to stand up for myself. As much as that scares me.”
Sebastian’s hand finds its way back into Blaine’s hair. “I really like this side of you. So… honest. It might’ve been the thing that always fascinated me most about you: Cool exterior, fire below. And yet, at the same time you wear a kind smile and polite nod of the head like an armor.” He takes a deep breath and adds as an afterthought: “I always wondered for which battle – with the world or with yourself?”
It’s quiet for a while, both of them lost in their thoughts, breathing in the silence. Sebastian glances at the clock on Blaine’s nightstand.
“Come on, let’s get you under the covers, Killer. You need your beauty rest and I should head back.” Just as Sebastian moves to get up, a hand lands on his thigh. “Can you stay?” Blaine looks up at him with red rimmed, wide eyes. “I don’t want to be alone.” He can see the fight inside of Sebastian evident on his face. It’s not often Sebastian lets his guard down, lets others see how he really feels. Blaine takes the struggle as a good sign. “I just want someone to hold me tight tonight, Seb. Someone I trust to comfort me. No strings attached.”
“You know that’s not what I’m worried about.”
Blaine smiles and looks down. “I think I officially ruined every remotely erotic moment with my emotional outburst. And if that’s not enough, just look at my splotchy face.” He rubs over his cheeks self-consciously.
Sebastian laughs. “Anderson, you could be a crumbling mess of tears on the floor, you’d still be sexy. And every situation where your ass and me are in a 6-feet-radius has the possibility of turning erotic. But fine”, he pops the button on his jeans, “we’ll both behave.” He pushes down his jeans and takes off his socks. Then he looks around, pushing his hands into his hips. “Umm, you wouldn’t happen to own a shirt that’s not from the kid’s department for me to sleep in?”
Blaine tries not to stare too much as he scrambles to get up. “I, umm, I’m sure Cooper still has some clothes here, wait a moment…”, he mumbles and leaves the room. When he returns with a white t-shirt from his brother’s closet, he enters the room just as Sebastian stretches his arms out.
Oh fuck… He clears his throat, holds out his hand and looks away. “Umm, here. Hope it fits.”
He doesn’t have to see Sebastian’s face, he hears the smirk in his voice when he answers “Thanks”. Blaine grabs his pajama and leaves for the bathroom to get changed. Behind him, he hears Sebastian chuckle. I’m a good person.
I’m totally capable of sharing a bed with a friend. I’m not giving in, I’m stronger than this stupid urge to drag my tongue along his abs.
Back in his room, the lights are already out and Sebastian waits for him under the covers. Before he can doubt his decision, Blaine lifts the blanket and gets in bed. They both lay there for a few seconds, side by side on their backs, before Blaine moves and rests his head on Sebastian’s chest, his arm winding around his waist. He closes his eyes and relaxes into the warmth of Sebastian’s body and the perfume he can smell. Sebastian smells like lemon grass and olive oil. Suddenly, he feels fingers brushing against his back, up and down in a stupefying pattern, and he breathes a small “Thank you for staying”.
“Anything for you, Blaine”, Sebastian answers and maybe it’s the darkness or the use of his first name that gives this small sentence more weight than probably intended.
“You know, when I was still at Dalton and I was upset, Nick and Jeff always came over and made me watch bad movies. They were totally awful but a few minutes into the movie Nick put his arms around me or I could rest my head in Jeff’s lap until I felt better. I didn’t even need to tell them, they just knew how to comfort me.” He closes his eyes and adds: “I miss that.”
“You could always come back”, Sebastian whispers softly, “I’m sure the Warblers would be ecstatic.”
“I couldn’t come back. Four school transfers in four years, how would that look on my college applications?”
“Four?”
“Yeah… I went to Westerville High before I came to Dalton. It was more a… necessity than a conscious decision. You know, ‘No Tolerance’-policy and all. It was… well, let’s say they don’t have such a policy at Westerville High and I didn’t work in my favor. So my parents sent me to Dalton.”
Sebastian doesn’t answer but he turns his head and kisses Blaine’s forehead before he wraps his other arm around Blaine. It’s been a long time, Blaine thinks, since he felt so secure and comfortable with another person.
“It was good, though. Dalton became a home and I found some of the greatest friends there. I found my first love there. I found myself…”
“I’m sure you could argue your way around the school transfers. And it’s not too late in the year, I think you could still come back. I mean, I’m a year below you, but I could help you in French, History and English Lit, I have a knack for that. You surely wouldn’t have a problem in Music or Arts but Nick could probably help with Biology or Chemistry and Trent is pretty good in Math and so in love with you, he’d tutor you everyday.”
Blaine chuckles and shakes his head. “Stop it, he’s not.” He looks up and sees that Sebastian furrows his brows. “Yes, he is. God, you really are oblivious, Anderson. Anyway, and if that doesn’t work, you could go back as a Junior, still get all the Warblers’ help and – bonus – we would be graduating together.” He grins down at Blaine through the darkness and Blaine can’t help but smile back.
Going back to Dalton sounds totally awesome. But could he do it?
“You can always come back, B.” Blaine closes his eyes and cuddles closer. “Maybe I might.” He hears Sebastian breath evening out. “Goodnight, Blaine.” – “Goodnight, Seb.”
A few days later, Blaine catches Kurt for a one hour call about their relationship – sad enough, it’s the longest they talk since Kurt moved to New York and that thought alone tugs at Blaine’s heartstrings. He swore to stand his ground no matter what besides the underlaying fear he feels. It would be the easy way out, to suck it down and hope for the best once he graduates and follows Kurt to New York – but there’s still the thought in his mind to do what Sebastian suggested, come back to Dalton but as a Junior and repeat the year to finish school at Dalton. And that would mean at least 1 ½ more years living like this and he knows he wouldn’t be able to endure that.
As expected, the talk doesn’t change much besides Blaine’s relationship status. Kurt doesn’t understand, of course, starts screaming ‘treason’ as soon as he hears about the idea of going back to Dalton (and Blaine doesn’t dare to add that it was Sebastian’s idea to begin with). So, they end it. It’s not how Blaine would have hoped this conversation to go, somewhere in his mind he still sees the boy he fell in love with in Kurt but he understands. Kurt changed. And while he still hopes that it’s for the better and that one day, Kurt finds someone who makes him feel secure enough that he doesn’t feel the need to turn their relationship into a race he wants to win, he knows that obviously, he can’t give him that. But Sebastian was right, he cannot keep holding himself back just to make Kurt comfortable. That’s not how it should be – not how it used to be.
As much as he expected it, it still hurts. So Blaine cries for what they had and lost, eats ice-cream with Sam and Tina and Nick and Jeff until his stomach hurts and binge-watches “Moulin Rouge” until he can’t take it anymore.
Four weeks after Sebastian’s visit, Blaine sets foot into Dalton’s lobby, clad in navy blue and red, carrying a suitcase. It’s where he meets Sebastian again, the other boy grinning from ear to ear as he helps him move in all his stuff to the Junior dorms. They go for coffee and they go dancing and slowly but surely, a friendship blooms. As promised, Sebastian helps him adjust to Dalton’s demanding curriculum in French, History and English Lit, Nick tutors him in Biology and – with a triumphant smile towards Sebastian – Blaine accepts Trent’s offer to study Math with him (and completely ignores Sebastian rolling his eyes, he’ll show him that Trent is totally not in love with him). He auditions for the Warblers and gets back in with all but one vote (so what if Hunter doesn’t want him back?). He still talks to and meets some of his ND-friends, something he completely avoided back when he transferred to McKinley with his Dalton-friends and he never wants to make that mistake again.
It’s been a few weeks and now from time to time, Blaine catches Sebastian watching him closely with an unreadable look on his face. Something inside of Blaine tingles at the attention as he averts his eyes and blushes, seeing a grin spread on Sebastian’s face from the corners of his eyes. That only makes his heart skip a beat every second time it happens.
All in all, he settles back in smoothly and sometimes, when he’s in bed late at night, he thinks that for the first time in a very long time he’s able to breath freely and everything feels good.
Until one afternoon, Blaine and Sebastian meet Kurt at the Lima Bean.
“So, I see you went back? Interesting”, a voice behind him snarls. He turns around and his eyes go wide. “Kurt!”, exclaims, “What are you doing here?”
“Yeah, Hummel, what are you doing here? Hobbit-Barbara kicked you out and 7-Eleven didn’t want to hire you, so you had to crawl back to Ohio?”
“Sebastian!”, Blaine chides. Kurt just wrinkles his nose.
“Family visit. You know, something you do when you actually have people that love you and want to spend time with you in person instead of when you have folks that throw money at you to make you stay away.”
“Kurt!”, Blaine gasps. He knows that Sebastian’s relationship with his father is a sore spot, even though he doesn’t know how Kurt knows that, too – he definitely never said a word.
“What, you’re on his side now?”, Kurt asks. “I’m on no one’s side here, okay? Can’t we just be, I don’t know, civil?” Kurt takes a deep breath through his nose and, with ostentation, turns and looks at Blaine: “So, you’re back at Dalton?” He gestures towards Blaine’s body. “The uniform kind of gave you away.”
Blaine looks down at his blazer and nods tentatively. “Yeah, a few weeks now. Not as a Senior, though, I missed too much, I could’ve never caught up with the curriculum there. So I transferred as a Junior and even that’s challenging”, he looks up and smiles a half-smile, “You know how it is…”
“Yeah, I remember how prestigious they felt because they demanded such a high workload. I still think it makes no difference from where you graduate Highschool, SATs are universal. So trying to teach college-level stuff to Highschool-students actually seems like a waste of time and just a procedure to torture students into thinking they are better than others. Oh, and of course a way to show the parents that their money was well-spent.” He looks down on Blaine with a tight smile. “But I’m sure you love it to be back.”
Blaine frowns. “Umm, yeah. Actually, I do. You know how much I missed my friends there. And as much as I agree that a public-school-education can be just as good as a private-school-education since it always depends on the student, I still think that it also depends on how much the school offers. Especially in comparison to McKinley, Dalton offers a lot more extracurriculars, smaller classes and in History, for example, we talked a lot more about different aspects of WW II in these few weeks than I did at McKinley, like – “
“I get it”, Kurt interrupts, “Dalton is the golden land of knowledge and McKinley is just a hellhole filled with stupid people.”
“That’s not what I – “, Blaine tries.
“Well, guess what, Blaine Anderson – I graduated from McKinley and I’m not stupid. Actually, I can’t believe I was so blind before. Our break-up wasn’t about me or how you think I treated you. It was about him.” He points his index finger at Sebastian without looking at him who just raises an eyebrow.
“What?”, Blaine exclaims.
“Oh, please, you were so unhappy because I didn’t have time for you? Bullshit. I was finally gone and he finally had the chance to lure you away!”
“Lure?”, Sebastian asks amused.
“Kurt, our relationship ended because we changed. You did but I did, too, and I actually didn’t like the person I was changing into. Remember, we talked about that? The call where you told me that my feelings were invalid and I just had to ‘stick it out for a little longer’? You weren’t even willing to work on our relationship. Sebastian wasn’t anything but making it better and being a good friend since then.”
“Well, I’m glad the break-up wasn’t that hard on you then.”
“Wasn’t hard for me? I was hurting, Kurt. I cried. A lot. For everything we had, everything I saw in you and that I didn’t see anymore.”
Kurt huffs snippily. “Sure, go ahead, blame it all on me.”
At that Blaine feels anger boil in his stomach. “I’m not blaming it all on you, it’s my fault, too! I let myself change, let myself be dragged into this contest of who’s the better boyfriend, better person, just the best in general.”
“Not a game I would’ve started if I was you, buddy”, Sebastian mumbles into his cup of coffee, still loud enough that they could both hear it. Before Kurt can answer, Blaine notices that they have an audience by now, blushes and gets up.
“Okay, can we cut it? People are already staring. Listen, Kurt, we both obviously aren’t ready to talk again. Maybe we should take some more time and, who knows, in a few months we could try to be friends again? You were my best friend for quite a while and I miss that person. I don’t want it to end like that.” He looks up at Kurt who glares down at him. Blaine sighs. “Okay, see you then. My kindest regards to Burt and Carole. Come on, Seb, we should head back to school anyway…”
Sebastian gets up and returns their coffee cups to the barista. They are already on their way out when Kurt yells: “You wanna be friends one time, Blaine?”
Blaine stops and turns around. Calmly, he says: “Yes.”
Kurt comes closer and points at Sebastian again. “Then you’ll have to decide: Him – or me.”
“What?”
“Him or me, Blaine. You can’t be his friend and mine. Make your decision now, once and for all. And maybe one day I can forgive you.”
“Forgive him for what, Kurt?”, Sebastian growls. “Because he’s nicer, smarter, better than you? Damn, you’re so afraid that you were willing to destroy and then let go of the best thing that ever happened to you. I said it once, I’ll say it again: Blaine’s too good for you – and you’re an even bigger joke than I thought. He’ll never stoop to your level. Right, Blaine?”
Blaine just stares at Kurt. In the corner of his eyes, he sees a shadow of doubt flash over Sebastian’s face and Kurt’s grin turns smug. “B?”
“Remember that night, Sebastian? I wasn’t ready to burn down the bridge once and for all.” He turns his head slowly and looks at Sebastian. “I am now.”
“You... you said you didn’t want to be that kind of person.”
“I’m not. The whole situation is different but one thing: When I need you, you’re there. You were when I had my History exam, when I stressed about my Warblers-audition, you were there that night. You didn’t have to but you were.”
“What night are you talking about? Wait, did you sleep with him? God, everything makes so much sense now!”
“I did not cheat on you, Kurt”, he says without taking his eyes off of Sebastian, “I wanted to, somehow. But I couldn’t. Not even to make me feel less lonely for a few moments. Not even to make you finally see me. But we’re not together anymore. I’ll always treasure what we had but this time, I need to think about me first.”
“What does that even mean, Blaine? I told you, it’s him or me. You decide.”
“Ready to burn bright or go down in flames together?” Blaine looks up at Sebastian, determination and desperation evident in his eyes. There really only is one right answer. Sebastian smiles. “Yes.”
So, Blaine gets on his toes and their kiss feels like burning on the inside but it’s not turning him into ashes. It’s making him feel more alive than he has in a long time, sparks under his skin and the fire swallows the world around them. He doesn’t even feel the cold wind of air as Kurt leaves through the Lima Bean door, just the heat of Sebastian’s fingers in his curls and on his hips and the warmth spreading from his heart through his whole body. It’s like his soul suddenly stops shivering, finally enveloped in a blanket of feeling at home.