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“Gabriel, you wanted to-” Kennedy trailed off as they entered the Firehouse living room and saw Gita and Swamuel awkwardly sat on the couch. Gabe was standing between them and the TV, arm still up in a broad gesture from whatever story they’d been telling. “What’s going on?”
Gabe pointed one feathery arm at Ken. “Kennedy!” he said loudly. “Great. You’re here. Please sit. I have something very important to show all of you, my most loyal of followers and closest of friends.”
“...What is it?”
“Sit!” they said, even louder.
Ken turned to Swamuel and Gita. “Do you two know what this is?”
Swam shook his head. “He’s been tight-lipped about it,” Gita said. “Said he wanted to save it for when all of us were here. They wanted Wes too, I think.”
Ken squinted as they sat down. “Where is Wesley?” they said.
“Couldn’t find him.” Gabe shrugged one shoulder without turning around from where they were fiddling with the TV. “Slippery, that one. Like a fish.” Gabriel barked out a single loud laugh, startling everyone on the couch.
Gabe abruptly spun around, TV remote in hand. “Friends. Thank you deeply for joining me here today. You know me as Gabriel, beloved teammate and community member. What you may not know is that I am also one of the most successful and highly regarded players in the Internet League of Blaseball.”
Gita shook her head quickly. “Oh, no, we knew that!” Ken could see Swamuel fighting a smile.
Gabriel pointed at her. “Maybe so! But what you may not know is that this success has earned me an amount of attention outside of the Chicago community.”
Gita shook her head again, smiling pleasantly. “No, we knew that too! You bought us all copies of your Splorts Illustrated cover story.” Swamuel was clearly trying not to laugh.
“Be that as it may!” Gabe said, arms wide. “I have recently transcended not just the attention of our fanbase, not just online socialized media, but the written word itself! I have made an appearance on a highly popular and prestigious video series!”
Gita let out a small gasp as Swamuel pumped a fist. “That’s great, Gabriel!” Ken said.
“Tell me what you think of this!” Gabe swept out of the way of the TV and came to stand behind the couch, hand resting on the back. Ken could now see that the screen was pulled up on a Youtube video titled, “Gabriel Griffith Loses Their Cool While Eating Spicy Wings | Hot Ones”. With a flourish, they raised the remote and set the video to play.
The video opened on a bald white man with a big smile. “What’s going on, everybody, I’m Sean Evans and you’re watching Hot Ones, the interview show with hot questions and even hotter wings.” The man was sat at a black table holding a dozen bottles of hot sauce and a plate of chicken wings. “Today I’m joined by player for the illustrious Chicago Firefighters, Gabriel Griffith. Gabriel’s a former pitcher recently reverbed onto the Firefighters lineup, and has in the past played for the Dallas Steaks, SF Lovers, and Hawai’i Fridays. How’re ya doing, Gabe?”
The camera cut to face the other side of the table, where Gabriel was sat in front of a similar spread of sauce bottles and wings. They looked into the camera, eyes wide and shoulders stiff. “Pretty well, Sean,” he said quietly.
“Are you a fan of hot sauce, Gabe?”
Gabriel shook his head. “Not particularly.”
The host laughed. “Alright, then, this should be interesting. Let’s do our first wing.”
“Gabe, you don’t look like you’re having much fun,” Gita said, watching Gabe and the host each take a bite out of the first wing on their plates.
“Give me a moment, I’ll come out of my shell. Video performance is intimidating, not the kind of thing you understand until you experience it.”
The Gabe on screen opened his mouth and swallowed the first wing whole. “This one is, uh, not so bad,” the Gabe on screen said.
“I sure hope not, man, because they only get hotter from here. Is that, uh, the best way to be eating these?”
“I’m part eagle, Sean. I have the inimitable digestive system of a raptor bird, built for the consumption of small animals. This is placing me back in contact with the lives of my ancestors.”
The host raised an eyebrow as Gabe coughed loudly. “You alright?”
“Fine,” Gabriel said, settling their cough. “This one is easy. No problem. They only get hotter from here.”
The host chuckled. “Sure do, man. Now let’s talk splorts.”
The video continued, the host asking more questions interspersed with increasingly spicy chicken wings. By the time they’d gotten 4 or 5 wings in, Gabe was visibly sweating. “Are you, uh, okay?” Kennedy asked.
“How is your face so red?” Gita asked quietly. “You have feathers.”
Gabriel hushed them, reaching down to put a feathered hand in front of Ken’s face. “This part is important.”
“Alright, Gabriel, so we have this recurring segment on our show called Explain That ‘Gram where we do a deep dive on our guests’ Instagrams and pull interesting pictures that need more context. We’ll pull up the picture on the monitor, you just tell us the bigger story.”
“Yes, okay, I’m ready.” Gabe had gotten less awkward, but not by much, still uncharacteristically stiff and quiet and as well as now visibly struggling with the hot sauce.
The host pulled up a picture that Kennedy themself had taken. It was Gabrie, sitting in the dumpster in the lot outside. “Can I ask why you’re in the dumpster?”
“I was being an ass.” Gabe took a sip out of his to that point untouched glass of milk.
The host raised an eyebrow. “And that meant you went in the dumpster?”
“The dumpster is for asses only,” Gabe said. “It’s really quite a good system.”
The host laughed and shrugged. “Sure thing, man.”
“How is he so unphased by that?” Gita asked.
Kennedy shrugs. “Seems like he interviews a lot of celebrities, I’m sure he’s heard stranger.”
“Additionally, Gita, my friend,” Gabe began, “the asses-only dumpster is a practical and intuitive system. In all likelihood he immediately saw the appeal.”
The video continued until Gabe and the host had gotten to the last wing on their plates. “Now, I don’t know if you know this, Gabe, but we have a little tradition on our show where we put an extra dab of the hottest sauce on the last wing. Think you can handle that?”
Gabe shook their head. “No.”
The host knit his brows. “What?”
Gabe shook their head again. “No, I’m alright.”
“Aw, come on, Gabe, you got this, dude, just a little extra-“
“No, I’m alright,” Gabe said again.
The host shrugged. “Suit yourself.” He grabbed the bottle and put extra on his wing. “Cheers, man!”
Gabriel swallowed the wing whole, then immediately grabbed his glass of milk off the table and chugged it. Then, he reached across and grabbed the host’s untouched glass and chugged that one too.
“Are you alright, buddy-“
Gabe slammed the glass down on the table and shouted, “WOOOOOOOOOOOO.”
The host laughed. “Alright, that’s it! Thanks so much for coming on the show Gabriel, I’m a lifelong Firefighters fan so this has been-“
“THERE!” Gabe abruptly paused the video and walked around to the front of the couch. “This is the importance of engaging with our fans. By the time I left that, uh, interview room, Mr. Evans was a, and I quote, ‘lifelong fan’ of the Firefighters.”
Gabe turned to look dramatically out the window. “If all of you, all of us, followed in my footsteps, we could become the most popular team in the league, nay, THE WORLD!!!” He pivoted back towards the three of them. “I will be sending out a so-called Gloogle Calendar invitation to each of you so that I may work with you to better your video presence. Of course, very few can expect to be as charming, relaxed, and handsome as I, but that does not mean there is no room to improve.” They then abruptly turned and walked out of the room.
Gita watched him leave, then turned to look at Swamuel and Kennedy. “Well that was bizarre.”
Swamuel pointed at his phone. Kennedy checked their texts to find he had sent one to the two of them. It read, “Isn’t Sean Evans from Crystal Lake? I think he’s a fan because we’re his hometown team. Pretty sure that’s how Gabe got on the show in the first place.”
Kennedy started laughing, and Gita and Swam joined in. “Hey,” Gita said, “he’s got a point, at least. We could always use some better publicity.”
At that moment, Wesley appeared in the doorway. “Are they gone?” he signed. Swamuel flashed him a thumbs up. “Sweet. Hopefully they don’t try and send me any calendar invitations.”
“OH AND ONE MORE THING, FRIENDS-“ Gabe appeared back in the living room and gasped. “GASP! WESLEY?” Swam laughed as Wes jumped the back of the couch and ran out the room’s back exit. “WE NEED TO IMPROVE OUR VIDEO PRESENCES,” Gabe yelled, running after them.
Kennedy smiled and shook their head. “He should have seen that coming.”