Work Text:
“Calvin and Hobbes
meet
Ash and Pikachu”
Act 1
Calvin-Hobbes, you know that new show, Pokémon? Well, I just got a video game about it for my GameBoy Color.
Hobbes- Words fail me.
Calvin-Ha ha. C’mon. Let’s turn it on.
Hobbes- do you know how to?
Calvin- I just have to order it to. I’m so magnificent.
Hobbes-Try it.
Calvin-Mmph. Turn on. I command you.
Hobbes-So much for being ‘Calvini the Magnificent’ when you grow up.
Calvin-I think sarcasm is a subject in tiger school. And Hobbes got an ‘A plus’ in it.
Hobbes-Why won’t it work?
Calvin-OPEN UP!!!! (smash GMC to ground). Stupid Nintendo.
Hobbes- Hey, look. It turned on.
Calvin- I told ya so.
Act 2
Calvin-Hobbes, what do you think I should name my character?
Hobbes-How about ‘Clueless’?
Calvin-How ‘bout ‘Ash’.
Hobbes-Very original.
…
Calvin-Hobbes, guess what. I spend almost a month’s allowance on this game, and the only Pokémon I can get is a stupid Pikachu. I hate Pikachus. This game is a rip-off. I hate Nintendo. I hate Japan. I hate GameStop who sold me this stupid, good-for-nothing game.
Hobbes-Hey, look here. It says you can catch better Pokémon as you advance in the game.
Calvin-AS I ADVANCE?!?!?! I’ll be OLD then.
Hobbes-By the way you’re attached to your game, I think it’ll be less than a week before you beat the game.
Calvin-I know, but I’m stuck with Pikachu until then.
Pikachu-(shock Calvin through GBC).
Calvin-AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH.
Ash-Good job, Pikachu. You found us a way out of this cramped old game cartridge.
Pikachu-pika.
Calvin-Hey, wait a minute. Aren’t you the Pokémon trainer in my game? You’re Ash, aren’t you?
Ash-Yes, I am.
Pikachu-(whisper in Hobbes’s ear). Pika Pikachu pi pi pi. Pikachu Pikachu pika.
Hobbes-I know. Trainers can be sooooo annoying and idiotic sometimes.
Calvin-HEY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Hobbes-See what I mean.
Pikachu-(nods in agreement).Pika.
Ash-Wait a minute. Why are we in a vortex? Where are we going?
Act 3
Calvin-Where ARE we going?
Hobbes-I knew that Pikachu was no good. He got us trapped inside a vortex.(stick out tongue at Pikachu)
Calvin-Just a minute. I thought you and Pikachu were great friends.
Hobbes-That was before we got trapped in a vortex.
Ash-Are you guys going blind? We’re not in a vortex anymore. Hey. We’re NOT in a vortex anymore? (kiss the ground)
Calvin-Where are we?
Koopa-You’re in MarioLand. But I think you should know that, considering you rule the place.
Calvin-I’m a KING? All Hail King Calvin, Ruler of MarioLand.
Koopa-Don’t be silly.
Hobbes-I knew it. I bet I’m the ruler of MarioLand, right.
Koopa-No. It’s just that ‘he’ is Princess Peach. She rules the kingdom. I think of all people, you should know that, Luigi.
Hobbes-Luigi?
Koopa-Of course. Is everyone who comes out of those purple loopy things so confused? Well, goodbye.
Hobbes-I think I recognize this place. It’s from your other video game, MarioLand. You know, the game that I made your character Princess Peach and mine Luigi…oops.
Calvin-YOU did that to me. That’s it. You’re dead to me.
Hobbes-You couldn’t catch me even if you were three times as fast as you are now. (lunge towards Calvin)
Act 4
Ash-break it up, you two. I think I see Bowser coming.
Hobbes-Who’s Bowser?
Ash-He’s…
Calvin-…only the meanest thing there is, besides Moe and Pikachu.
(Pikachu shocks Calvin)
Calvin-Darn it. Why does it keep doing that to me?
Ash-Don’t worry. It still does it to me.
(Pikachu shocks Ash and Calvin)
Ash-See. (turn to Pikachu). I’m gonna strangle you, Pikachu. (put hands near Pikachu’s neck and squeeze air).
Pikachu-PIKA!! (cringe back in fear).
Calvin-If anyone hasn’t noticed yet, Bowser’s almost here.
All besides Calvin- ALMOST HERE!!!!!!!
Calvin-Geez, are you people going deaf. That’s what I just said.
Hobbes- I can’t believe it. Now we’re GETTING INSULTED by a ‘prissy’ princess.
Calvin-I am NOT prissy.
Hobbes- So you admit you’re a princess.
Calvin-I DO NOT!
Ash- By answering to the ‘prissy princess’ comment, you actually acknowledged the fact that you are a princess.
Calvin- Yeah, Yeah. Whatever. But I am not a princess. *lunge towards Hobbes*
Bowser-Maybe I can be of some help.
Calvin- Thanks, but I’m just dealing with… AHHHHHHH! BOWSER!
All except Calvin-BOWSER?!
Calvin- How long have YOU been here?
All except Calvin and Bowser- Through the entire story, Einstein.
Calvin- No. Not you guys. Bowser.
Bowser- Oh. When the last argument started. I have a picture of how you looked when you found out I was here. (hold out photo).
Hobbes- So, you have a sense of humor, eh. I think we’ll get along just great. I mean, we both have the exact same pastime, making fun of Calvin.
Calvin-HEY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Bowser-Sounds like fun. Why don’t you talk to my fist? (hold up fist).
All except Bowser- AAAAAAHHHHHH!!!!!!
(Bowser lifts up all and throws them to mushroom forest)
Pikachu-PIKA!
Ash-AAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Hobbes-HEEEEELP MEEEEEEE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Calvin-WHEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Act 5
Calvin-That was FUN. Can we go again?
Hobbes-Boy, this forest is BI-IG.
Ash-No, that’s not it. We’re just really SMALL. Hey, where’s Pikachu?
Calvin-Hey, there’s Pikachu. How did he get so big?
Ash- He must’ve landed on a big mushroom!!!!!!!!!!
Calvin-What do MUSHROOMS have to do with this?
Ash-Mushrooms control your size. If you land on a small mushroom, you become small. If you land on a big mushroom, you become big.
Hobbes-if you haven’t noticed, Pikachu’s about to squish us.
All besides Hobbes-AAAAHHHH!!!!!!!!
Hobbes-My, this happens a lot.
Ash-Wait a minute. I can change Pikachu back to normal and then teleport us to a safe Pokemon World.
Calvin-Well, what are you waiting for? DO IT ALREADY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Ash-Okay, Okay. Sheesh. Some people are sooooo impatient.
Calvin-Well, excuse me. I just don’t wanna be squished here.
Ash-Good answer.*bzoop*
Act 6
Calvin-Where ARE we?
Hobbes-Apparently in some sort of a black hole.
Calvin-I wasn’t asking you.
Ash-Oops. I teleported us to the Region of Johto instead of Kanto.
Calvin-How could THAT make a difference?
Ash-Only that Johto hasn’t been invented yet.
*bzoop*
Calvin-Hey, where’s Ash?
*bloop*
Ash-Hey, Calvin. Can you hear me?
Calvin- Yeah. Where are you?
Ash-I’m in the real world. Apparently there can’t be more than one main character in the game. Now you’re the main character and I’m the one playing the game. I control your movements.
Calvin-Wait a minute. I see what you’re planning to do. You’re gonna take over my life. I’m stuck in this game with your STUPID Pikachu while you’re out in the real world with Hobbes.
Ash-Au Contraire, I am with my STUPID Pikachu (Pikachu shocks Ash) and Hobbes is with you.
Calvin-Where IS Hobbes? Hey. I’m a POKEMON TRAINER!!! Go Pokeball.
Hobbes- growli… Hey, where am I?
Calvin-Hey. Cool. I got a Growlithe. I wonder where Hobbes is.
Hobbes-I AM Hobbes.
Calvin-Hobbes, YOU’RE Growlithe!?
Hobbes-Of course I’m a GROWLITHE! I had to be put down and insulted. Growlithes aren’t even close to the ‘Pinnacle of Perfection’.
Calvin-And you’re suggesting tigers ARE?
Hobbes-Of course.
Act 7
BACK IN THE REAL WORLD…
Ash-I can’t believe it!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I’m in the real world! Hey, where’s Pikachu?
Pikachu-Pika.
Ash-You’re a STUFFED ANIMAL!!!!!!!!!!
Pikachu-PIKA!!!
Ash-Apparently you still can’t talk in English.
Ash’s mom- Ash, your dad and I are going out tonight, so we hired a babysitter. Come in, Jessie. Ash is waiting upstairs. I’m sure he’ll be on his best behavior. You can help yourself to anything in the fridge.
Jessie-Good night Mrs. Ketchum.
Ash-AAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!
Pikachu-PIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIKKKKKKKKAAAA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Act 8
IN THE POKEMON WORLD…
Calvin’s mom-Calvin, your rival just called. He said he wants to meet you at Professor Oak’s laboratory.
Calvin-Why would he want to meet me at Prof. Oak’s Lab?
Hobbes-I dunno. Just go.
AT PROF. OAK’S LAB…
Calvin-Prof. Oak. Are you there?
Rival- Come on in, Calvin. I’ve been waiting for you.
Calvin-Wh-h-h-o’s there?
Rival-Don’t tell me you don’t recognize me. Battle me and find out.
Calvin-'Kay. It’s on.
BATTLE FIELD
Calvin meets Rival Moe.
Calvin-MOE!?
Rival-That’s right, baby.
Calvin chooses Hobbes.
Calvin-Go, Hobbes.
Rival Moe does NOT choose a Pokémon. Rival Moe chooses his FISTS!!!!!!!!!!!
Calvin and Hobbes- AAAAHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Calvin and Hobbes run away. Rival Moe wins.
Rival-Chicken.
Act 9
IN CALVIN’S ROOM…
Ash-I can’t believe my mom hired JESSIE to babysit me. In the Pokemon World, I could stay by myself whenever I wanted to. I traveled halfway through the entire region without anyone babysitting me. Why now?
Jessie-Maybe because now you’re not in the Pokemon world.
Ash-AH! JESSIE!!
Jessie-That’s right. I’m here to babysit you, twerp.
Ash-Normally I would get offended, but I’m pretty much used to you calling me twerp.
Jessie-Now be quiet. I’m gonna talk to my boyfriend, James, on the phone.
Ash-I thought you just WORKED with James.
Jessie-I did, but then I realized that there was something more between us.
Ash-EEWW!!!
Act 10
IN THE POKEMON WORLD…
*bzoop*
Ash-Calvin, are you there?
Calvin-Yeah.
Ash-I’m gonna use my teleporter on us. I miss the Pokemon world. And in the real world, I have to be babysat by Jessie.
Calvin-I miss being a normal kid. I miss my room. I miss my house. I’m tired of Hobbes complaining about not being the ‘Pinnacle of Evolution’ anymore.
Ash-I know. Pikachu’s driving me crazy. He says being a stuffed animal is VERY degrading.
Calvin-And Hobbes is saying that being a Growlithe is VERY degrading.
Pikachu-Pika Pika chu chu.
Hobbes-You DO know I can hear you, right.
Calvin-How do I get back to the real world?
Ash-When you became a Pokemon trainer, you got one of those transporter things.
Calvin-You mean like the one YOU have?
Ash-Exactly.
Calvin-But how do YOU get back to the Pokemon world?
Ash- Don’t worry. When you leave the Pokemon world, there will be no main character. Then, I will get automatically transported back into the video game.
Calvin-‘Kay. When do I start?
Ash-How ‘bout NOW!!!
Calvin-Sheesh. No need to yell. I get your message. C’mon Hobbes, We’re going back home.*bzoop*
Hobbes-Good, ‘cause we’re all out of tuna.
Ash-*bzoop* Wait a minute, Calvin. First you need to know how it works. Otherwise you’ll end up in another world. Are you even listening? Calvin, Calvin? (turn to Pikachu). How do you like that? He hung up on me.
Pikachu-Pika.
Ash-What. Now, not you TOO.
Act 11
Calvin-Now let’s turn on the teleporter and type in ‘my room’.
Hobbes-Do you know how to spell that?
Calvin-Of course I do.
Hobbes-Really. Wow. I’m so proud of you (sniffle).
Calvin-Very funny. C’mon. Let’s go. Planet Earth, here we come.*bzoop*
…
Calvin-Where ARE we? This is NOT my room. Hey, why am I wearing a dress. What game are we in?
Hobbes-We’re in ‘Imagine Fashion Designer-New York’, and apparently I’m the designer and…
Calvin-Let me guess, I’m the critic.
Hobbes-No. You’re the MODEL.
Calvin-WHAT! THAT’S IT! WE’RE GETTING OUT OF HERE!!!
Hobbes-But I’m about to show my creation to the…*bzoop*
…
Calvin-There we are. Back in my own room.*bzoop*
Ash-Calvin, are you there?
Calvin-Yeah. What’s going on?
Ash-I forgot to tell you. Everything that went on with me has been changed so that it’s happening with you. Except for one thing.
Calvin-What.
Ash-The people who you are used to do it instead. Bye.
Calvin-But wait. What does that *bzoop*
Hobbes-I think it means that Rosalyn is babysitting you right now.
Calvin-NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
The End
Or is it…