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“If you could be anything, except a Jedi, what would you be?”
Ahsoka blinks, turns to her friend,
“What’s this about?” She asks. Barriss blushes.
“I was just wondering,” she says. “The War is leaving scars on us Jedi. So no war, no Jedi… what would you be?”
Ahsoka hmms, looking up at the stars.
“I don’t know,” she says. “Maybe a pilot. Realistically, a hunter. Or…”
She trails off, looking upset.
“Ahsoka?” Barriss asks. Ahsoka laughs.
“You know, this war… it’s awful,” she says. “We’re Jedi, and I… I’d say I’m a good commander, and I love my men. I just… I don’t know if the Jedi will ever be what they were.”
“I feel the same,” Barriss admits. “I wanted to be a peacekeeper, but I didn’t think…”
Ahsoka sighs.
“I think this war is dragging everyone down,” she says. “But I’m trying not to worry so much. One day, it’ll end, and then…”
“And then?” Barriss asks. Ahsoka just smiles.
“I’d like to keep being a Jedi,” she says. “Maybe a soldier for now, but one day, a peacekeeper again.”
“You have more hope for the future than me, then,” Barriss says. She’s growing more and more tired. More sick of the Council hiding behind excuses, of the Jedi becoming corrupt, because they are! Even her Master is putting up more walls and thinking more like a soldier.
Even Barriss herself…
It’s so hard to keep grasping at the light in the middle of so much death.
“What if the Jedi are so corrupt that there’s no going back?” She asks. “What if I can’t trust the Council, or my Master, or…”
“Well now you just sound like Anakin,” Ahsoka jokes. “But even he… my Master is an incredible Jedi. I’ve seen him with the people we save. I’ve seen him with the people we’re tasked to protect, and maybe he’s not… traditional, but he’s still a Jedi. The kind we thought we’d be.”
And that last line, that last line hits a bit too close to home.
“Maybe you should talk to your Master, though,” Ahsoka says. “If you’re having doubts.”
“I’m afraid we are not quite as… close, as yourself and Skywalker,” Barriss replies. “I am sure I can soon release these feelings into the force.”
Ahsoka looks her over, quite obviously unconvinced.
“If you say so,” she says. “Just remember, I’m here for you, too.”
“I do, Ahsoka,” Barriss promises.
And for the time, the topic is dropped.
“You want to spar?” Ahsoka asks. “I could use some good movement.”
Barriss smiles.
“I’d be happy to,” she says.
They end up practicing with dual wielding, the both of them. Barriss, despite being older, is far more inexperienced on this particular form. But Ahsoka helps her, offering suggestions. Barriss does the same.
Some wins are landed from both of them. A fairly good even match. But as they take a break to get some water, Ahsoka brings back the earlier topic.
“I think for me,” she says. “Is that I am nothing without the Jedi. Master Plo saved me from slavers. So I guess… it’s the only life I can imagine?” She sighs. “Not that I feel trapped, I love being a Jedi, I just… it’s the only path I can imagine.”
“Maybe that’s part of the problem,” Barriss notes. Ahsoka laughs.
“Maybe so,” she says. “But lately I just feel… sure. Sure of the Force, more than ever. The war has to end someday, doesn’t it?”
Barriss sighs.
“I wish I had your heart, Ahsoka.” She says. “But suppose you’re right. This war has to end some day. And then the Jedi will be faced with who we want to be.”
And Barriss… wishes she knew how to answer it herself.