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Kaeya had felt that something was… off for a while. At first she had blamed it on the differences between her home nation and Mondstadt, alongside the vast differences between her home life in Khaenri’ah and with Master Crepus and Diluc. However, as the years progressed, it was beginning to become harder and harder to blame it on such things. She was grateful, truly, for all that Master Crepus and Diluc had done for her, but the clothes she wore and the way she was presented felt so… wrong. There wasn’t another word to use. It was just wrong.
Master Crepus and Diluc had started to notice something was wrong too, which is what Kaeya had been trying to avoid at all costs. She knew that they wouldn’t leave her out in the rain as her biological father had, but that didn’t mean that Kaeya wanted to inconvenience them by any means. It had started with the usual “are you alright?”’s becoming much more frequent before leading into things such as “you look uncomfortable, what’s wrong?” and each time, without fail, she would break into a grin and claim that she was just thinking about something. That wasn’t exactly a lie, however, for she had technically been doing so. In response, the two would clap her on the back or ruffle her hair (which she had spent such a long time on for it to just be ruined) before carrying on with whatever conversation they were having.
Still, the whole thing was becoming much harder to handle with every passing second.
Kaeya supposed the reason behind a large portion of her discomfort was due to her not knowing what was causing it, which seemed like the most reasonable answer for the time being. Sure, it didn’t explain why she felt so uncomfortable in her own skin to the point where her mind would often feel disconnected from her own body, but it was something at the very least. She’d decided against talking to Master Crepus about it, not wanting to burden him with her troubles. She even refrained from speaking to Diluc about such a topic, because he was training hard to become a knight and didn’t need to have to worry about Kaeya.
Training to become a knight was perhaps one of the only times that Kaeya didn’t feel that burden of discomfort weighing heavily inside her, allowing her to move freely and utilise perhaps her greatest weapon in a fight – her speed. The armour that she clad whilst sparring (that was identical to Diluc’s) had always felt so unexplainably right, even more so than the weight of the sword in her hand. It was during these spars that a smile couldn’t be dragged off her face, no matter how difficult the fight was. An overwhelming sense of pure joy would swirl inside her, making her feel as if she could do anything, even go to Celestia if she wanted to.
Kaeya just wished that happiness could last.
Without fail, each time she finished sparring and headed back inside to change to her regular clothes, it was like a weight was dropped on her once again. A tight knot would form in her stomach and her chest would tighten, often making it difficult to breathe. It wasn’t uncommon for her head to throb either as she tried her hardest to not dwell on the sheer wrongness that she felt, and instead tried to smile and regain the joy she had experienced before.
It never worked.
Kaeya could remember the first time she got her period. She’d been roughly 12, and ended up sobbing in Master Crepus’ arms for a good 30 minutes. It wasn’t because it hurt, necessarily (which it did), but more because she felt as if it shouldn’t be there. The pulsing ache that she felt was yet another reminder of the horrible discomfort that had threatened to overwhelm her so many times, and the pain in her chest only contributed as well. Kaeya had been told that when most people were on their periods that they became much more emotional, but was it supposed to be that bad? Did most other people feel as if something was tightening around their chest, making it difficult to breathe? Did they stare in the mirror, sobbing because they didn’t know what about them was making them feel so horrible? Did they lay in bed at night, cradling their head in their arms and praying to the archons that the awful feeling in their head would go away?
She had so many questions, yet she couldn’t bring herself to ask Master Crepus about it. She had asked Adelinde, once, though in return she had just received a confused look and was offered some medicine for her supposed headache. Unsure of how to respond, she’d taken it.
It soon became apparent to Kaeya that she did feel most of those things in her day-to-day life, but whilst on her period those feelings were amplified to the point where they were unbearable. As she was so young, she got away with not leaving her room other than to have meals during that time, but she knew that wouldn’t last. One day she would reach a point where it was no longer acceptable to spend her day staring at the walls of her room, curled up into a ball and hiding underneath her blankets. Instead, she would have to face the world (the thought made her chest tighten painfully), smiling despite the way she wanted to tear her mind from her body and cry. She had to, because that was what every other woman had to do, and she was a girl after all.
...Right?
The thought hit her one day as she stared in the mirror, trying to quell the rising nausea within her. She was a girl, wasn’t she? She wore dresses no matter how much she despised them, her voice was higher than Diluc’s, resembling Jean’s much more, and her body was very clearly female – from the way her face was soft and feminine right down to the anatomical side of things. So why did the thought of her being a girl make Kaeya want to throw up? She thought of the happiness she felt when sparring (when her clothes were a direct match to Diluc’s other than the size) and compared it to how she felt afterwards when forced to wear a dress once more. She thought of how long she had spent in the mirror, staring at her body from the side and wishing that her chest was flat. She thought of all the times she had spent sobbing because Master Crepus calling her his daughter had felt so horribly wrong, not because she wasn’t his kid, but because she wasn’t his daughter.
He was his son.
A sense of what felt like relief washed over him as his eyes widened at the revelation. He was not a girl. He was Master Crepus’ son, he was Diluc’s younger brother. He was a boy.
Kaeya almost smiled at the thought before the realisation hit him. What will Father say? He had figured that knowing he was a boy despite the body he was born in wasn’t exactly… a common thing. He was 14, after all, and had met enough people to know that much. In fact, he hadn’t met a single person who was, well, like him.
And so, Kaeya kept the revelation to himself so that he wouldn’t inconvenience Master Crepus any further.
Or at least he tried to.
There was one night where Kaeya should’ve been happy, for there was a celebration at the Ragnvindr Manor and those events were always enjoyable. He would get to spend the entire night with Jean and Diluc, talking about their dreams to become knights and about the upcoming try-outs that the three of them were going to attend, hoping that they would be picked to join the Ordo. Nights like these were always so fun and yet Kaeya found himself staring at the mirror, tears streaming down his face.
The dress that had been picked for him was stunning, with the colours and the lace detailing making it perhaps the prettiest one that he had worn in his life… but it felt so indescribably wrong to wear.
“Hey Kaeya, are you nearly ready?” Diluc had called out, causing a wave of panic to wash over him. “Kaeya?”
When Kaeya didn’t respond, he heard the click of the door as Diluc opened it.
“Wh- are you alright?” Diluc raced over as Kaeya sat on his bed, not looking at his brother. He couldn’t, not when he had seen him in such a state. Embarrassment worked its way in with his discomfort, making the nausea in his stomach rise. “Kae, what’s wrong?”
The nickname made his heart ache and archons was he a mess.
Upon hearing the commotion, Master Crepus walked past and Kaeya’s only thoughts at that point were fuck.
“Kaeya, my girl, are you alright?” He asked and Kaeya felt his stomach lurch.
“Please don’t call me that.” He let out quietly, hoping that neither Master Crepus nor Diluc had heard.
Unfortunately for him, they both did.
“Why? What’s wrong?”
What was wrong? Why was he about to reveal this about himself just as an important event was about to start, one where Master Crepus should be socialising and not having to worry about his kids… or rather kid.
“I- I’m not-” Great, now he was stumbling on his words and not getting his point across when the guests were likely already arriving. “I’m not a girl, so please don’t…” His voice trailed off and he averted his eyes, unable to look at the two others in the room.
“What do you mean?” Diluc asked, his voice so kind and soft that it made Kaeya’s heart ache once again.
“I’m not a girl and I know I shouldn’t be telling you this right now but Diluc walked in whilst I was crying over this dress and I…” His eyes widened at his words, the panic of it all truly taking hold. “I know that I’m supposed to be a girl because I was born one but I know that I’m not and I know that I’m a boy… I’m so sorry.”
Kaeya slapped a hand over his mouth as the tears began to thicken and roll down his face faster than they had before. Choking sobs escaped his throat and he was so, so scared of Diluc and Master Crepus’ reactions, of what they were going to think of him.
But then he froze as warm arms wrapped around him, pulling him close.
“What are you sorry for, my boy?” Master Crepus asked and Kaeya could only sob harder because even the archons didn’t know just how long he had been waiting to hear those words. “I think Diluc might have an outfit that should be around your size, do you want me to get it out?”
All he could do was nod, feeling far too overwhelmed to do much else.
“So that means you’re my little brother now, right?” Diluc asked suddenly. Kaeya looked up to see him smiling.
“I suppose so,” Kaeya replied, his grin mirroring Diluc’s.
It had taken a while for Kaeya to get comfortable with himself, but as he stood in the mirror years later, he couldn’t help but smile softly. His transition hadn’t been easy, by any means. It took a while before a lot of people would stop calling him ‘Lady’, but by the time of his 16th birthday, most of the people in Mond had adjusted. As it would turn out, there were a lot of others within the city who were like him, from the Prinzessin der Verurteilung herself to the boy that Kaeya was just about to visit. The thought of being able to help them feel comfortable as themselves, just as how Diluc and Master Crepus had helped him, brought a sense of joy but also relief inside of him.
“Sir Kaeya! What are you doing here?” Bennett called out, a wide grin on his face.
“I thought we agreed to drop the ‘Sir’ business,” He replied with a smirk, ruffling Bennett’s hair. The boy turned red, apologising under his breath. “It’s fine, don’t stress. Also I’m here because I’ve brought you something that will hopefully help a little with what you were telling me the other day.”
Bennett raised his eyebrows, confusion written all over his face.
“Let me know if this is the wrong size.” Is all Kaeya said, handing him the very thing that had helped him when he was Bennett’s age, though a much newer version. Luckily for Bennett, some genius decided to work on the design for binders since Kaeya had worn one, meaning the kid would likely be a lot more comfortable than he had been. Then again, Bennett wasn’t exactly known for his luck, but Kaeya had his hopes up for once.
Speaking of Bennett, his eyes were widened in shock.
“Kaeya, you don’t mean…”
“Go try it on, kid.”
Bennett returned a few minutes later, a shy look on his face.
“How does it look?” He asked.
A warm feeling rose in Kaeya’s chest as he noticed just how much more comfortable the boy in front of him looked, from the way he stood to even the way he spoke.
“It looks great, kid.”