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“You ready?” Jared’s hand was a warm weight against Jensen’s shoulder, helping him to calm down a little.
No matter how cool he was playing Dean Winchester, no matter how self-confident he seemed doing interviews, when it came to stage talks at conventions, Jensen was a nervous wreck, with the stage fright being so bad that it threatened to choke him. It had been getting a little better with every convention they had been doing, but hearing the buzz of the hundreds of fans behind the curtain, their expectant calls and laughter still sort of freaked Jensen out. Once again he found himself wondering what the hell he was doing here at all. Why hadn’t he listened to his grandma and had gone to college to become a physical therapist like the guidance counselor and every one else had advised him to? Why had he been so stupid, wanting to step into his dad’s shoes and becoming an actor?
Of course, Jensen knew why. Because he loved acting, with every pore of his body, with every inch of his soul. He was good at it. He loved to become and be someone else, loved to get away from the reality and the things that burdened Jensen’s mind. Like his abnormal sexuality – as his family would call it - and everything else that was connected to it.
And wasn’t it a paradox that Jensen couldn’t escape who he was, no matter how hard he tried? Because his co-star, the man he was working with what sometimes seemed 24/7, the man he even shared a house with, the man who now petted his thumb over Jensen’s neck to calm him down, steadily reminded him of his sinful thoughts and feelings. It was Jared he desired, wanted and needed, Jared who Jensen had fallen in love with the moment he had met him. Not only with that beautiful dimpled smile or these big, puppy hazel eyes, but most of all with Jared’s character. With his generosity, with the affection and attention Jared showered him day in, day out. With the way the younger man looked at Jensen or touched him, like now, in a mixture of worry and encouragement and with a little smile parting Jared’s lips that told Jensen that they would rock it, like they always did.
For the millionth time, Jensen realized that he was screwed. How could he ever tell his very straight best friend that he had feelings for him, feelings that were so much more intensive and deeper than those of a best friendship? He felt pain and desperation that had nothing to do with his stage fright and closed his eyes for a second, forcing down the tears that threatened to leak.
Misinterpreting the gesture, Jared believed to see pure panic and he drew Jensen into his arms, into one of his bone-crunching hugs. “It’s going to be alright, Jen," Jared promised fondly, his caffeinated breath ghosting warm over Jensen’s skin, making him shiver with longing.
The older man doubted it though. How could Jared ever love him the way he loved Jared? How could he ever be alright? But maybe, hopefully, with Jared’s help, at least the panel would run smoothly and right now, that was his biggest worry.
With a smile on his lips that looked more like a painful grimace, Jensen drew away from the safe warmth of Jared’s hug and stepped onto the stage the moment the master of ceremonies announced them.
*
As always, Jared had been right, at least regarding the panel. It was alright, more than alright, it actually was awesome. The fans were fantastic, cheering, clapping and laughing and it was palpable that they were having the time of their lives, the sparks of enthusiasm flying over to the men on stage. With every passing moment, Jensen felt better and more comfortable, joking with Jared and feeling his fear slowly melting away.
Jensen always was a little scared up there. He didn’t have a script, each question might lead this way or the other and in general, it just felt a little as if being thrown in at the deep end. There was a steadily existing fear that someone might ask something inappropriate, something embarrassing, something which Jensen just couldn’t answer, dragging him and everybody else into a very awkward situation. But with every passing minute, with every question about their characters on Supernatural or their other projects, Jensen calmed down. Hopefully, today they would be spared with silly questions about their personal lives, about relationships or their friendship, with questions that could lead to Jensen hinting involuntarily at his biggest, most treasured secret.
Time was flying by and from the corner of his eye Jensen noticed one of the staff giving them the sign that there were only five minutes left.
“Only a few minutes left,” Jared announced while turning towards the fan standing in front of the microphone. “So, here’s our last question of the day. Fire away,” he prompted, smiling invitingly at her.
She was older than the average fan, Jensen noticed. Probably in her mid-forties, big and compared to most people who were lining up, she didn’t seem nervous at all, but confident, wearing a weird smug smile on her already wrinkled face that was framed by greyish-blonde, untidy hair.
“My question is for Jared,” she started with a heavy accent, grinning sort of mischievously. A weird feeling of foreboding washed over Jensen, as if he knew that what was to come would be unpleasant. “How does it feel,” she continued with venom in her voice, “to always be one step behind Jensen? To be second class, next to your brilliant co-star?” The first outraged whispers hushed through the audience. “Let’s face it, Jared. You are a stupid, noisy kid with no talent, barely worth to be called an actor and without Jensen’s help, you would be even less than a cockroach.”
Appalled whispers sounded through the room and some fans jumped up in shock, throwing their own insults at the woman, but all Jensen saw was his best friend. White as a ghost, Jared stared at the sneering woman, fighting to hold his composure and hiding his emotions. Once or twice, Jared opened his trembling lips to answer that question, to defend himself, but nothing other than harsh breathing and hurting gasps escaped his throat, causing the woman to smile even more maliciously, the satisfaction that she had managed to throw Jared off course like that visible in her vicious grimace.
Jensen himself felt as if someone had punched him and he wouldn’t have felt worse if it had been him who the woman had insulted; Jared meant more to him than his own life. If Jared was hurt, he felt his pain and Jensen was more outraged than ever before, with a wrath boiling in his blood that almost seemed to overwhelm him.
Mere seconds after the woman had finished her evil question, staff and security were at her side, ready to guide her out of the auditorium, but before they could lead her away, Jensen found himself calling “Stop” into his microphone. Suddenly the audience that had been buzzing like a beehive was so quiet that you could have heard a pin drop. More than a thousand pairs of eyes were staring at Jensen expectantly, wondering what Jensen was about to say.
“I’m going to answer the question for Jared,” Jensen continued. From the corner of his eyes he saw Jared, who still seemed to be in shock, shaking his head. Yet, Jensen ignored his friend. He just had to say something, had to defend Jared, had to prove everyone in the audience and out there that Jared wasn’t second class, but the most special person in Jensen’s world.
Not caring about the consequences his words might have, Jensen began to speak while slowly moving towards Jared. “Jared,” Jensen said, not looking at the audience but into Jared’s confused, hurting face, “is the most extraordinary man I’ve ever met. Every day, he gives me so much, making hard, exhausting days at work bearable and helping me with demanding scenes. He is smart, charming and caring. He always thinks about others first before thinking about himself. What you call “stupid, goofy and loud”," Jensen almost spat out the words, “is exactly what makes Jared so lovable. He has a big heart, he listens to you, offers advice or his shoulder to lean on. I’d trust Jared with my life," Jensen admitted frankly. "Believe me, he is a far better man than I am. Besides, he is a great actor. We both have learned and benefited from each other and without Jared, I certainly neither would be the person nor the actor I am nowadays.” Meanwhile, Jensen had reached Jared, now standing close enough behind him to feel his warmth and see his body trembling with humiliation. Gently, Jensen put his hand on the small of Jared’s back, a warm, calming and reassuring touch. “Jared is my best friend and you," Jensen turned away from Jared, looking straight at the horrible woman, “are not even worthy to look at Jared, let alone breathe the same air as him. So get out of here”, Jensen’s voice was cold and cutting, “and pray that you can find a friend that is only half as good, special and generous as Jared is because that’s much more than you ever deserve.”
The smug smile on the woman’s face was gone and whichever insult escaped her dirty mouth was drowned out by the audience clapping, yelling and whistling, by everyone standing up, showing Jared that they agreed with Jensen.
“See," Jensen whispered, not into the microphone but into his best friend’s ear, “they love you as much as I do.”
Locking eyes with Jared, he could see the tears clouding the beautiful hazel, and with his hand still strongly pressed against Jared’s back and his thumb rubbing over the material of his friend’s shirt, Jensen thanked their fans for their support and guided Jared off the stage.
*
The flight that would bring them back to Vancouver took off in less than two hours and there wasn’t any time to haul Jared into a room that ensured their privacy and to console him the way Jensen wanted to, hugging or at least talking to Jared. Yet, Jensen was there, solid like a rock, hovering over Jared and bearing his silent, hurting and very thoughtful friend company. Smiling at him encouragingly, Jensen tried to divert Jared, talking about the dogs and filming, about mutual friends and other random things, even trying to crack a joke. Jensen though didn’t get any reaction from Jared, his dull eyes not even sparkling when Jensen mentioned his beloved dogs.
When Jared hadn’t said more than six words since the incident on stage and more than three hours had passed, Jensen started to worry. What else could he do or say to make it better? How could he show Jared that the bitch was wrong, that Jared was good, not second class, not even first, but top class and the best thing that had ever happened to him?
The lights in the plane were dimmed and the few other passengers in Business class were busy with reading papers, watching movies or sleeping. No one showed any interest in the two silent actors and after looking around once or twice, just to make sure that no one cared, Jensen dared what he’d never been courageous enough to do before, cupping Jared’s hand with his own.
Taking in a sharp, hurting breath, Jared wanted to draw back, as if the touch burned him, but Jensen didn’t let go. He held on tight, brushing his thumb over the raw skin and showing his best friend that he was exactly this; his best friend and, although Jared could never know, the center of his life.
Jensen didn’t say anything, just let his gesture speak and eventually, Jared relaxed until the younger man linked his fingers with Jensen’s, making them both smile a little.
Hidden beneath the blanket that was warming their legs, they were holding hands until the plane landed two hours later.
*
It was way past midnight, but although Jensen was tired to the bones, he couldn’t find any sleep, being too worried about his friend. Jared hadn’t said anything apart from a barely audible “Good night” before he had disappeared up the stairs and into his bedroom, only minutes after the cab had brought them home. It had been Jensen’s task to air the rooms, to let the dogs out and feed them. He didn’t mind, but that Jared neglected his dogs was unusual and definite proof that his friend was deeply troubled with his own, probably dark thoughts.
Lying in the almost complete darkness of his room, Jensen could hear Jared in the silent house. He was as restless as him, tossing and turning around in his slightly creaking bed and after a while, Jensen heard bare feet whispering over the floor and down the stairs. The sound came to a halt in front of Jensen’s bedroom and the older man could almost see his friend standing there, just yards away, only separated through that closed, wooden door; with his tall body hunched and his hand lingering a few inches over the doorknob, wondering whether he should knock and come in or not. Jensen could even hear a scarcely audible scratch against the door when Jared touched it carefully, only to draw back his hand quickly. Moments later Jared moved away, not back upstairs, but down the hall and into the living room.
Waiting a couple of minutes, Jensen listened, waiting for the TV being switched on, but the house remained silent. In the end, without really thinking about it, Jensen got up, his feet leading him to where his best friend was; sitting in the dim room, the only source of light apart from the moonlight that was shimmering through the drawn curtains the candles on the coffee table Jared had lit.
“Hey," Jensen said quietly. “Can I join you?”
Jared didn’t say anything, just kept on staring into the four dancing flames, as if they were the most fascinating things in the world.
Not being kicked out, Jensen joined his friend on the sofa, his eyes gliding over Jared’s tired features before they fixed at the candles, too.
For a long time it was quiet between the two friends, until Jared broke that silence. “Did you mean it, Jen?”
Jensen didn’t need to ask what. “Every word, Jay.”
The younger man swallowed hard and slowly, he turned his head, looking at Jensen. “Every word, Jen?”
The butterflies in Jensen’s belly fluttered excitedly when he felt the atmosphere in the room, heavy with emotions and sparkling with expectations. “You must know that, Jay. You are important to me. A wonderful, special, extraordinary man. My best friend. Don’t let some silly bitch take away your pride and confidence.”
Sighing, Jared smiled sadly. “The thing is, Jen, she is right. Compared to you," he shrugged, moistening his lips, "I am nothing. I profit from you. Your talent, your knowledge, your experience, even your popularity. Without you - .”
“Shhh." Jensen silenced Jared, so that he couldn’t finish his thoughts. “Don’t Jay. Don’t go down that road. Let me tell you something. My secret… our secret, okay? Maybe you really profit from what I am or do. But Jay? I also profit from what you are and do. Because, without you? I would be nothing!” Jensen said. ”That’s what makes us such a good team and best friends, Jay. We… complete each other.” It was only whispered and Jensen felt the heat crawling up his cheeks, never having spoken words like that, almost a declaration of love.
A soft, genuine smile twitched over Jared’s lips when he realized that Jensen was right, that this really was their secret. They gave each other so much, support, encouragement and love, and it brought out the best in them, making them so much more than brothers in front of the camera but soul mates behind.
“Thank you, Jen," Jared whispered before he pulled Jensen to his chest and enfolded him in his arms. “Thank you so much," he sniffed, barely able to hold back the tears that were burning in his eyes again.
Warmth and affection washed over Jensen and he thought he might suffocate. He held onto Jared tighter than ever before, whispering reassurances into his ear, allowing Jared to finally let go and cry on his shoulder.
“You really love me," Jared breathed against Jensen’s shoulder, a hint of surprise and disbelief in his raw voice.
His heart was breaking, but Jensen had to say it, at least once in his life. “Yeah, I really do.”
There was not a hint of banter in Jensen's voice and the truth hit Jared, like a punch in the gut. Realizing that he had made a terrible mistake, Jensen wanted to draw back and flee into the sanctuary of his bedroom but Jared held him strong in his arms, not letting go as the truth sank in. Jensen really loved him. “Jen?” Jared's voice was shaking and he tried to catch his best friend's face in the dimly lit room. Like a deer caught in the headlight, Jensen looked at Jared with his eyes far bigger than usual.
“I -” Jensen stammered. „Please.“ Breathing hard, Jensen felt panic rise in his chest. How could he have been so stupid, telling Jared his biggest, darkest secret? How could Jared still touch him like that, now he knew?
"Jen, it’s okay. Don’t be scared," Jared said quietly, his voice barely a whisper.
It was scary how well Jared knew him, how he felt the almost impalpable shiver running through Jensen’s body, how he felt the heavy thrum of Jensen’s heart against his own chest.
“How long?” Jared asked gently, as if he talked to a kid. Jensen couldn’t help but be amazed at Jared. He had been hurt so deeply today, yet now he found the strength to be there for Jensen. He didn't push him away, didn't call him fag or monster, but still held him as tight, his warmth cocooning him.
“I -. Please," Jensen gasped. “Don"t -”
Now it was Jared who calmed him down. “It’s okay, Jen. Just tell me. How long?” Loosening his grip just a little, Jared looked at him with his puppy eyes on full force, putting the final nail in Jensen's coffin.
Jensen took a deep breath before he released it slowly and admitted, “Forever, Jay. I’ve loved you since forever.”
Jared drew back, just enough to see Jensen’s face. He was trembling even worse now, looking everywhere but into his friend’s eyes, not even reacting when Jared’s index finger gently ghosted over his cheek.
The tender touch sent hot shivers through Jensen’s body and only when Jared reached his chin and gently lifted it to lock eyes with Jensen, did he actually look at Jared. What Jensen saw there took his breath away. Not disgust and despise were written on Jared’s soft features, but pure adoration, admiration and love .
Then the most beautiful, dimpled smile ever grew on Jared’s face. A smile just for Jensen, a smile the older actor hoped he could see for the rest of his life. It let him melt, caused his heart to somersault and turned his limbs into jello.
“Forever," Jared whispered, touching Jensen’s forehead with his own. “Exactly as long as I loved you.”
Jensen gasped, looking for something to say, anything, yet his mind was blank. There just weren't any words strong enough to express his feelings. Instead, he looked at the man he had known for half a decade now, waiting for the dream to end. Because surely, it must be a dream. Sure, Jared loved him, but like a brother, not like that .
But the dream didn’t end. It got more beautiful as Jared’s lips gently ghosted over the spot on Jensen's forehead before they tenderly pecked the tip of Jensen’s nose and finally caught Jensen’s lips. They were warm and velvety, tasting of toothpaste and Jared . It was better than anything Jensen had ever experienced. Lazy and intense, gentle and careful, soft and affectionate. The kiss was everything Jared and Jensen had ever been and a promise of what would be if they were strong and fought. Happy sighs, moans and whimpers escaped as they let their lips and tongues speak and they showed each other what they had been feeling for years.
“Let’s go to bed, Jen,” Jared suggested as he gasped for air, pressing his forehead against Jensen's forehead briefly. Twining his hand with Jensen’s, he tugged him up, holding on tightly and leading Jensen upstairs into his bedroom. Jensen's legs were weak and wobbly, his heart was pounding heavily against his chest, and panic was still on the verge of breaking out, but Jared was there, strong, firm and solid, Jensen's happy and safe place. There was no need to panic, Jensen realized. It was Jared, his best friend, who had always taken care of Jensen, just like Jensen had taken care of Jared.
Gently but determinedly, Jared pressed Jensen onto the mattress, wrapping Jensen into his arms. Jensen couldn't help but notice how well they fit and how good it felt, lying there, snug against Jared. Slowly, the panic melted away. It was right, good, perfect. It wasn't a dream but a dream coming true.
“Why did you never tell me, Jay?” Jensen asked, although he already knew the answer as he curled a strand of Jared's shiny hair around his thumb. He loved his hair, just like he loved the smile that could light up a room and the deep, broad dimples. He loved Jared's strength and kindness.
“For the same reason you never told me, I guess,” Jared sighed, placing his hand against Jensen's cheek. It felt unbelievably good, being touched like that, very intimate, very loving. “I believed you to be straight and I never thought you could love someone like me; a stupid, goofy and loud kid.”
“You are not, Jay,” Jensen whispered, letting go of Jared's hair and snuggling closer, burying his head against Jared’s chest. “And even if you were, you are my stupid, goofy and loud kid.”
Chuckling a little, Jared admitted. “Yeah, I am. Forever?”
“Forever.”
The End