Archive of Our Own ^omega

Yeonjun was going to turn eighteen in September. 

Yet this particular first of January disguised itself as his birthday and gave him the same excitement accompanied with anxiety he’s wished to experience on his actual birthday for years. In this case, it wasn’t just him who felt such mixed emotions. His two friends, Beomgyu and Taehyun who lived just across the street from him also had their hearts in their throats as they ticked down the countdown to one. 

It was finally twelve am. 

Yeonjun sat at his desk, his heart hammering in his chest as he stared down at his desk. He could hear the shouts of his neighbours, ones of excitement and pure joy. He got up from his seat and made his way downstairs settling on the sofa while simultaneously tossing away an empty beer bottle off to the side. He could sense his father’s eyes glaring holes into the back of his head from the dining table where he sat silently watching the boy’s every move. 

Yeonjun’s phone pinged. Once. Twice. And a couple more times. He took one casual glance noticing the names of his friends across the screen and he let the screen turn back to black, convincing himself that the video game he was playing was far more important than his friend’s texts and the mystery box waiting outside his door.

He gave in to the agitation as he picked up the phone and skimmed through the messages of the groupchat. 

BEOMGYU: YEONJUN GUESS WHAT THE FUCK IS UP

YOU’RE NOT GONNA BELIEVE IT

Btw did you check yours? Who is iT WHOSE THE MYSTERY BOY?

TAEHYUN: YES YEONJUN GUESS WHAT AKJDKBVKJ

Before Yeonjun could formulate a response, Taehyun replied and a smile creeped up Yeonjun’s face. 

TAEHYUN: BEOMGYU’S MY SOULMATE

Thank god I was so nervous I was gonna have to find someone who was not my baby gyu

Yeonjun cringed but couldn’t help the smile that was now unconsciously growing on his lips. He was certainly way more excited for his friends’ love lives than his own and hearing this news warmed his heart to the core. They've been high school sweethearts for as long as he could remember and he would be lying if he said he wasn’t worried about receiving damning news that they weren’t each others’ soulmates.  But soon the smile was slapped off his face as his eyes met with Beomgyu’s text.

BEOMGYU: Hello?? Yeonjun?? Don’t tell me you didn’t check the box yet?

His eyes wandered towards the door and even though it was obviously opaque Yeonjun could almost picture the black box sitting at his doormat, the same box he’s seen one time when Taehyun’s sister received hers a couple of years ago and Yeonjun had managed to sneak a peek at while he was over at his house. Oh and the time he had to send off odds and ends of his own identity to his soulmate.  

YEONJUN: I’ll check it, Beomgyu. Later. You know how I feel about this stuff. But enough about me, I’m so happy for you guys! Looks like I won't stop cringing at you guys for a while huh? 

That grabbed Beomgyu’s attention as him and his soulmate began to gush in the groupchat leaving Yeonjun to continue to stare at the door. He ignored the sound of his father’s chair dragging against the hardwood floor as his heavy footsteps made its way upstairs. The boy’s heart thumped in unison with the steps as he awaited a remark but none arrived. Yeonjun was soon left alone in the dimmed setting of the living room with only one light illuminating above his head.

‘Fuck it. How bad can it get?’ Yeonjun muttered to himself as he stood up abruptly, cutting his thoughts off as he took hurried steps towards the door before swinging it open as if his life depended on it. As he expected, the box sat on his doormat, screaming at him to open and to reveal his potential soulmate. The love of his life. The missing piece to his fragmented soul. It’s all bullshit anyway. At least to Yeonjun who realised that some soulmates weren’t meant to be. That even the universe is capable of making mistakes once in a while.

In his case, it was his parents. He was nine when he realised that true love wasn’t slamming doors and opened mouthed curses. 

He was ten when his parents divorced. 

He cradled the box and carried it to his bedroom, unconsciously stroking its sides as if he was afraid he’d damage it in any way. The box was certainly heavier than he expected Yeonjun slowly opened the box, his heart beating uncontrollably loud for a reason the boy couldn’t pinpoint. Was he excited? Nervous? He wouldn’t know.

He scanned the contents of the box, puzzled beyond belief. He’s heard about such mystery boxes from his classmates frequently. Most of them apparently consisted of addresses, plane tickets and GPS coordinates for the paired couples to meet. Some might even take it a step far and send off trinkets collected over the years and a letter as a romantic gesture. 

Yeonjun had done just the same. 

But the box in his bedroom right now was far more mystifying than he could’ve possibly imagined. Filled to the brim were contents, ranging from letters, cassette tapes to books and even an occasional origami. 

Yeonjun felt a gush of guilt and he bit on his bottom lip. His own box that he had sent away seemed less exciting and lifeless compared to the one he’s received. He shook his head to brush away the thought and reached into the box to grab the first letter that was blatantly placed in order to be picked up first. 

He opened the letter, being careful enough not to rip the edges. He was met with paragraphs of neat writing– not a scribble to be seen. He found himself admiring the pencilled handwriting for a split second before he focused on reading the content. 

Sup soulmate,

Yeonjun couldn’t help the stifled chuckle that escaped his lips at the unexpected casualty the words held. His heart fluttered slightly at the mention of the word ‘soulmate’ but refused to give it much thought. 

I’m Soobin. Wow this feels weirdly awkward and strange but don’t worry I’ve got plans for you and we’ll get to know more of each other before we actually meet. Are you as excited to meet me as I am?

Yeonjun felt his heart sink a little at the words. He truly couldn’t care less about the whole soulmate situation. Finding romance was never one of his major motives in life and he liked to believe that it never will be so he grimaced silently before continuing. 

I don’t know which one of us will start the journey first but I did prepare a lot of things for you to find me. So if you’ve been looking for a road trip this is the perfect opportunity. Plus you get to meet the love of your life aka me. The things in this box will give you an idea about who you’re about to meet and what to expect from me. There’s memories and secrets that I’ve saved for you over the years. 

I know this isn’t probably what you expected but I tend to catch people off guard so nothing’s new. Let’s get to know each other a little bit before we actually meet, shall we? I don’t know how long it’ll take you to find me but I’ll be waiting (unless I get impatient and find you first of course).

See you soon,

Soobin xoxo

Yeonjun let the letter drop onto his lap as he let his eyes take another glance at the box. A neatly folded map was next to catch his eye and he found himself reaching over for it. The map opened before his eyes and he skimmed it quietly, sudden anxiety- causing his palms to sweat and shake. The city of Ansan was circled in a red marker with an X over spots which Yeonjun assumed the owner of the box wanted him to stop at. An X slightly larger in size marked itself at the core of Ansan. 

Yeonjun folded the map and placed it back in the box, ignoring the urge to examine it a little further. He closed off the box and placed it on his floor before collapsing onto the bed, his phone bouncing off of it but at that moment he couldn’t care less. 

‘Should he go? Should he stay and let him find him instead?’ Yeonjun groaned out loud burying his head in his pillow in frustration. What would his father say? 

The boy hugged his knees as his thoughts wandered to the night where his father had come home with a lingering perfume that wasn’t his own. He had receded to his room, holding his breath and without the consciousness of it, he had grown to dislike the thought of having a soulmate of his own. The box and the mystery boy haunted his thoughts for hours until he dozed off to sleep, unaware of what was awaiting him a few hundred miles away. 

Hey. My name’s Yeonjun. My friends insisted that I write a letter for you so here I am. I’m not really sure about where to start. I mean what’s the big deal about this whole soulmate thing anyway? Can’t we just find a person and settle on it or just be alone? 

Sorry if you can’t tell I’m not exactly in favor of this whole thing. I have my reasons. You can find my address and GPS coordinates in the box. 

Yeonjun spent the entirety of the next day contemplating the alternatives from the night before. Even though staying in his enclosed mess of a room seemed a lot more appealing, he would be lying if he said that a road trip and the identity of his soulmate didn’t intrigue him. His father could sense the boy’s anxiety from across the dining table and he raised his voice in inquiry, 

“You opened it?”

Yeonjun didn’t bother to look up at his father but proceeded to nod instead. His father produced a low hm in response. A short period of silence followed.

“Are you going to go find her?” 

Him. Yeonjun wanted to correct his father but decided against it. What was the point anyway? 

“What did you say?” his father remarked, his tone low and Yeonjun painfully realised that he had voiced his thoughts out loud. Loud enough for his father to hear it crystal clear. 

“It's a boy. And no, I can’t be bothered to find him.”

Yeonjun could see his father’s jaw clench and his eyes darken. He could feel his father’s mind processing the words ‘him’ and ‘boy’ and Yeonjun knew what to expect next. Silence followed but it was agonizing enough to make the boy stand up and begin his walk upstairs, his phone clutched in his hands to give him a release to the anxiety that was building up in his gut. 

“Good.” his father growled from behind him. “I wasn’t going to allow you anyway.” 

Yeonjun stopped in his tracks. He could hear his father speaking, his voice rising with every passing second but Yeonjun managed to block it off instantly like a flipped switch. The grip on his phone hardened as he struggled to calm his rising nerves. 

“You never bothered with anything in your life. Ever. So why bother with this now?” his father made one last comment before retreating towards the kitchen leaving the boy to stare at the swaying floor which was now a hazy blur as a result of his glassened eyes. 

He dragged his feet towards his room, closing the door behind him as he sank to the floor before collecting his knees to his chest. He glanced around the room, his father’s words occupying every crook and crevice of his mind like an itch he couldn’t get rid of. If not for his two friends, Yeonjun swore he would’ve left the town some time ago. With only himself and a life, he wished he never had. But his fear of the unknown had stopped him multiple times. His severe anxiety had caused Yeonjun to believe that unless there was a final destination the entire journey was in vain but with the bits and pieces of hope that were left in him, he couldn’t help but dream. 

His eyes met with the black box that was left stranded on his bedroom floor, a couple of feet away from where he was seated. I’ll be waiting. Soobin’s words flashed across his mind for a split second and the sudden adrenaline caused Yeonjun to jump to his feet. The sudden kick of adrenaline‒  fueled with his pent-up anger took over the boy who grabbed his bag, simultaneously shoving in whatever pieces of clothing he could find. In went a bag of chips he’s snuck into his room and the bundle of letters from Soobin along with the other contents that were neatly assorted inside the box.

He glanced over at his desk. His lamp was shining over stranded pieces of paper and open books and Yeonjun marched right over. He opened the drawer, hurriedly running his fingers through the items inside until he found what he was looking for. 

A letter that he had kept since he was nine. 

He strapped the bag to his back and let out a sigh of determination and hesitation all in one. His heart was drumming against his ears and the rush of adrenaline was slowly passing onto oblivion as reality settled in. Yeonjun couldn’t figure out what he himself was doing but at that moment he couldn’t afford to stop and question himself. 

YEONJUN: Guys, I’m going to go find him. Don’t ask me why. I don’t know either. 

He pocketed his phone and creaked open his door, taking careful steps towards the living room where he had last seen his father. Yeonjun knew his father’s schedule like the back of his hand, which meant that he was passed out on the couch, a beer bottle glued to his hand spilling onto the carpet as his arm slung over the edge. 

Yeonjun held his breath as he rummaged through his father’s coat as quietly as possible, his eyes set on the sleeping form of his father. He crammed some notes of money he could find inside the coat into his pockets while his pulse drummed in his ears. He took a sharp intake of breath when his hands met with the metal of the car key. 

He opened the door, taking one last glance at his father before sprinting down the road to his car, the key gripped in his palm. He threw open the door and revved up the car in one swift move, his breath catching in his throat as he anticipated his father’s enraged shouts. But when he finally turned his head to look at his house which was starting to distance from him, the door remained closed. 

Yeonjun drove for a while in absolute silence, his pulse refusing to return to its original pace as he turned corners. When he decided to pull over he had already aimlessly driven a couple of miles further away from his house. His hand found the bundle of letters that Soobin had prepared for him. Yeonjun opened the letter with the label ‘two’, ignoring the small tear he made while opening it with shaking hands. 

So you’ve decided to come find me, huh? 

Are you on your way right now?

Make sure to take breaks between driving. I don’t want you to tire yourself out for me, as much as I’m excited to meet you, there’s no hurry. 

I’m writing this on a cold Thursday night. My friend, Huening Kai, just left after a sleepover. Did I mention him before? If I didn’t, he’s my best friend. Younger brother almost. He’s the only person who has stuck by me for years besides my parents. He takes good care of me all the time. There were times where I tried to push him away but he stayed nevertheless. After all those tries, he’s still here. And he’s said multiple times that he'll continue to stay. 

I’ll let you meet him once we’re eighteen. I’m sure you’ll like him. 

I can’t tell you how long the ride is going to be but you see those cassette tapes I’ve packed? There’s a playlist I made for you, those are some songs that reminded me of you (weird I know cause I haven’t even met you yet) along with two cassette tapes of my own. But make sure to go through them in order. 

Yeonjun looked at his bag to see the cassette tapes with different labels all in hand writing that he’d now grown accustomed to. He grabbed the one labelled ‘playlist for my soulmate <3’ and flipped it over. Yeonjun furrowed his eyebrows in confusion over how the item works but after a few tries, he inserted it into the cassette player provided by Soobin himself and smiled softly to himself when a melody began to echo around the empty car. 

The letter remained in his hand as he leaned back and a momentary feeling of peace washed over him. The anxieties began to diminish as he admired the streets he had never passed by before, whitewashed houses and ivy-covered gates left him breathless; the feeling of estrangement was inevitable. 

I’ll let you know more about myself as the ride continues so for now, enjoy the music and try not to get lost.

Choi Soobin xoxo

Yeonjun restored the letter back into the bag and began to drive. The music was sweet and serene against his ears. He rolled his window down and leaned back, letting the wind harmonize with the music and causing his hair to tousle against the breeze.

He took a glance at his bag and couldn’t help but let out a sigh.

‘Choi Soobin. Soobin. Soobin.’ 

He repeated the word in his head until it stopped sounding like a word and more like a bunch of incoherent letters accompanied with a strange inkling of comfort. 

‘What a pretty name.’  

I know a lot of people give an introduction of themselves so here I am. I never really travelled outside the city I live in. I’m seventeen as of now and my birthday’s on the thirteenth of September. I wonder if you’re younger than me? 

I have black hair. And brown eyes. And as my friends call it, duck lips. Don’t ask me why, you’ll see for yourself. I won’t say that I’m an absolute sexy piece of human meat but I’d land myself on a solid seven on a scale of one to ten.

Anyway, I like reading. That’s one of the only things I truly enjoy doing. I usually spend time at the library. There’s just silence and books, what more could I ask for? I know I don’t seem like a particularly outgoing person but my friends tell me that I am. You can be the judge of that I guess, if we meet. Speaking of my friends, I don’t have many of that either. Just two. Beomgyu and Taehyun are the names. They’re dating actually, they’ve been dating for a while now. They live a few blocks away from my house and we met when we were very young at the park a couple of blocks further down the street. Beomgyu pushed me off the swing. And I smacked him on the head for it. Taehyun rushed over to stop us from murdering each other and somehow we ended up friends. 

They’ve been the only constant things in my life and they’re one of the only reasons why I’m still here. I’ll let you meet them one day, you’ll like them no doubt. 

The map unfolded again. Yeonjun had taken a momentary stop after almost an hour of driving accompanied by Soobin’s playlist and his unprecedented train of thoughts. He lost track of time and direction and was now glancing around the place for a sense of familiarity but to no avail. Much to his relief a small X was marked at the same spot Yeonjun had made the spontaneous decision to stop. He squinted his eyes, trying to see beneath the bold red marker but when he failed to, he reached into his bag and pulled out the next letter. 

 I assume you’ve reached the first X on the map? I want you to take a good look around you and find this cafe, 

A piece of cardboard that was loosely attached to the paper slipped and landed on Yeonjun’s lap. The words ‘Magic Island’ were written in italic letters with the image of a steaming cup of coffee and an open book. Yeonjun turned the card back and forth and read the address at the bottom of the business card. His eyebrows raised in realisation before his eyes snapped to the store across the road from where he was. 

Magic Island. 

‘Bingo.’ Yeonjun muttered to himself before shifting his gaze back to the letter.

If you walk in you’d see that it’s a library as well as a café. Even though I’m not a consistent customer of the café, I’ve been there a couple of times. And the atmosphere was always so welcoming, healing almost. Oh and I met Huening Kai there, he was visiting his grandparents in the area and so was I. Magic Island being an important place to me is basically a given. 

Yeonjun pocketed the letter and made his way towards the small café. The door opened and the poignant aroma of coffee hit him faster than a bullet. The place was small, devoid of humans and large shelves among shelves occupied a majority of the space. Yeonjun walked further into the café and let his eyes wander over hundreds of books he wished he could read right then and there. He walked into an isolated space between two shelves and pulled out the letter, still eyeing the books like a kid at a candy store. 

There was a spot by the very end with a large French window, that’s where I used to sit with a book and an iced café mocha. 

Kai was sitting across from me. His eyebrows furrowed and lips puckered slightly and he would audibly gasp every time something slightly intriguing happened in the book he was reading. I chuckled at him and so the conversation began. We realised we were from the same city and much to our surprise the school I was planning to move to after summer vacation was the same as his. 

Yeonjun made it all the way to the counter at the far end of the store.

“Can I have a café mocha please?” When the barista nodded Yeonjun responded with a small ‘thank you’. The boy let his eyes stray towards the right where large French windows stood, overlooking a vacant street. He couldn’t help but notice how the massive oak tree on the other side of the window provided the perfect amount of shade for whoever decided to huddle up in the corner with a book. 

Yeonjun took a sip of his coffee and sighed with contentment, feeling rejuvenated with just one sip.

‘He already seems to know me a little too well, huh?’ The sudden thought interrupted his stream of consciousness and he brushed it off, a sudden softening of his heart catching him off guard.

He didn’t have any friends and I wondered why. I still do to this day. He is extremely adorable and has the personality of a five year old kid that you can’t help but love. But I have reasons why people tend to keep their distance from me. Especially when I forget to take my medication, to put it simply, all hell breaks loose. 

It’s partly the reason why I move schools every now and then. 

Yeonjun continued to take absent-minded steps between shelves, his lips parted slightly as he indulged in the sweet beverage. The boy mused silently, leaning against a shelf as his eyes kept its fixation on his soulmate’s writing. 

‘Every now and then?’ Yeonjun found himself pondering. 

Anyway, I’ll let you enjoy yourself for a while. Grab a book and a cup of coffee, preferably a café mocha and indulge in the silence I guess. You can listen to my first tape when you get back to the car.

See you soon,

Choi Soobin xoxo

Yeonjun let out a sigh and tucked the letter in his pocket, careful enough not to crease it too much. The boy indulged in the silence as Soobin suggested and found himself scanning through the shelves in search of a book that captured his eye. When one did, he carried it all the way to where Soobin supposedly used to sit. 

He brought his knees to his chest, the book close to his chest as he glanced at the space in front of him. He felt stupid, leaving an empty space for its rightful owner, who wasn’t even present with him, but simultaneously it felt right. It was almost as if Soobin was present with him, and he wasn’t complaining. Without the boy’s complete knowledge his heart began to crack open the door that he had left closed, curtained off from anyone’s entry, himself included.  

Yeonjun took another sip of his coffee and flipped the book open. 

Besides reading I dance. Or should I say, I used to. My mom used to be a dancer and I watched her when I was young, I began to do it myself and realised how much I loved it. There’s something so ecstatic about dancing I really can’t put it into words. My mom often said that I had music in my veins, that I could feel every beat of the song like it was the beat of my heart. There were times when I wanted to give up, when one turn got a little too hard or I ran out of breath a little too fast or missed a beat, but my mom was there for me to keep me on track. 

That was until she left. No, she didn’t die. She just left. My father and her are supposed soulmates but things didn’t work out the way I was told or the universe itself expected. The fights started when I was young, way before Taehyun, Beomgyu and I met. There were slamming doors and drunken slurs of my father until early hours of the day. That carried on for years until I was ten. I remember my mom kissing me on the forehead by the door and telling me how she’d always love me and how she’d visit me often. 

She stopped visiting when I was fourteen.

I swear I’m not generally a sad person, I tend to have my moments but I believe I’m quite good company. You can be the judge of that too someday. 

The ride resumed as Yeonjun basked in silence for a while, a sense of comfort that felt so foreign to him enveloping the car. For once in his life, everything felt light-hearted, but the fact that it also felt like he was leaving his past and everything he ever knew behind itched his mind undoubtedly. The wind blew rather harshly against his cheeks bringing into mind that he was still on the move and that there was no turning back. Reality started to kick in and the sudden urge to turn the car around washed over Yeonjun. Gripping the steering wheel, he drove on, giving into the inner voice which struggled to comfort him. 

‘You’ll find him. And when you do, you decide if you want what he has to offer or not.’ Yeonjun mused. 

Yeonjun remembered Soobin’s mention of a cassette tape and so he pulled the tape labelled ‘one’ and inserted it swiftly into the player. 

“Hi.”

As soon as the word echoed from the player and reached the boy’s ear, the vehicle screeched to a halt. The voice took Yeonjun so off guard that he had to pull over to calm his nerves. A chuckle followed right after the singular word and Yeonjun’s pulse spiked unintentionally. 

“I should’ve stuck to letters cause this feels even weirder. Yeah this is what my voice sounds like. Is this what you expected?”

It definitely wasn’t what Yeonjun expected. But he couldn’t have asked for anything better. The boy’s voice was smooth but had a rough edge to it when the sentence drew to a close. The few sentences he spoke were enough to cause Yeonjun’s heart rate to go into overdrive and make his palms sweat against the steering wheel.  

“You can listen to my voice while you drive I guess.”

A momentary silence followed almost as if the speaker was waiting for Yeonjun to start driving again. And that’s exactly what Yeonjun did. He kicked off his ride and kept his ears peeled for his soulmate’s voice. 

“How was the café by the way? You can tell me all about it when we meet. There aren’t many good libraries where I’m from, except for the library in my school which I rarely feel comfortable in.”

Yeonjun didn’t even realise that he was smiling from ear to ear. He noticed how Soobin paused from moment to moment almost as if he was giving every word he spoke much thought. The more the boy spoke, the fonder his heart grew. Hearing his soulmate’s voice for the first time felt like a celebration of a lifetime. When realisation grew that he had a somewhat stupefied look on his face, he immediately let it drop to a frown. 

‘Don’t get too comfortable, Yeonjun.’ he gritted through his teeth, sternly. 

“Speaking of comfort, I have another comfort place of my own and I want you to visit that place too. I’m sorry I’m making you take so many stops but I want you to get a good experience of what I’m like before we meet for the first time. If you look at the map, you’d see an X by the beach. It's a little off-track to the final destination but trust me it’s worth it.”

Yeonjun kept his eyes on the road as his other hand scuffled through the contents on the passenger seat before throwing the map open. His eyes shifted to the next X marked on the path he was on. Realising the drive was a bit further away from where he was, he leaned back and continued to listen to the boy’s voice piercing through the sound of the breeze entering through the open windows.

“I used to bike to that beach from all the way over here with Kai or sometimes alone. My parents rarely allowed me to go out of the house which explains my lack of social skills-”

Soobin cuts himself off with a throaty chuckle and listening to it flustered Yeonjun to the point where blood started to rush to his cheeks. Yeonjun cleared his throat and gulped, pushing the thought of how melodic the sound seemed further into the corners of his mind. 

“-but there’s a peer by the beach among the rocks, it was abandoned a long time ago, falling into decay everyday but that was where I used to sit and watch the waves for hours on end until I got urgent messages from my mother to come back home. There’s a spot towards the west, a pile of stone-”

Yeonjun felt the smell of salt and sea reach his nose. He peered over in hopes of catching a glimpse of an incoming sea and much to his pleasant surprise he did. Yeonjun’s eyes widened briefly as he scanned the area bereft of people within eye range. A layer of golden sand meeting melodiously with the azure sea reached his eyes and a hushed ‘wow’ escaped past his parted lips. 

Finding a spot to park was easy as the area seemed to be vacant and almost abandoned. Yeonjun put on his earphones connected to the portable player and got out of the car as his black hair painted copper under the sunset rays. He unlaced his shoes, taking them by hand to the beach as his eyes began to skim over the setting in search of the place Soobin was speaking of.  

He reached the peer and turned west and there it was. A pile of rocks that appeared to be somewhat out of place in the middle of the water that was teasingly crashing against it. Yeonjun walked over to it and struggled slightly to get onto it but once he did he was once again, stunned by the view. From where he was seated the sunset seemed to be placed almost artificially in front of him. It was as if he was existing in a living, breathing painting. Yeonjun turned his head right and left, his mouth hung open as he took in the scenery. 

‘No wonder Soobin found comfort in this place. This is everything I could’ve asked for.’ Yeonjun muttered to himself before pressing play on the device in his hands. Soobin’s voice seemed a lot closer and clearer when he was wearing earphones and maybe it was the comfort of the boy’s voice or the sea breeze, but Yeonjun shivered. 

“-if you take a seat there and let your feet drape over the edge the waves might even touch your feet.”

Yeonjun let his shoes rest by his side and did as he was told. As soon as the waves crashed onto his feet he let out a yelp. The water was way colder than he expected so he retracted his legs back onto the rocks and leaned back onto his hands. After a moment of silence, Soobin spoke. 

“I hope you get to see the sunset.” 

Yeonjun smiled. His gaze shifted from the cassette player to the setting sun. He silently praised himself for arriving right on time. Taking its sweet time the sun was now disappearing seemingly submerging into the sea and from behind Yeonjun’s head verged on the darkness of the night but within his eye range were a palette of colors displayed that day for him and the boy waiting a few miles away. 

“I carried my notebook with me to that place every time without a doubt. My thoughts seemed a lot clearer and... prettier you could say. I have scribbles of poetry and drawings of that place in attempts to capture the beauty I saw and experienced. But even pictures didn't seem to do it justice.”

Yeonjun found himself nodding in response, his eyes never leaving the sight in front of him. The prolonged silence on the other end caught him off guard and so his eyebrows furrowed. He could hear Soobin heave a sigh.

“I’ve always thought of you there.” 

Soobin’s voice seemed to hold an intonation of shyness and it grew contagious to the boy by the sea who shuffled where he was seated, flustered beyond words. The effect his soulmate already seemed to have on him caught Yeonjun off guard and he stopped himself from slapping himself across the face for it. 

“I’ve dreamed of taking you there and sitting by the rocks with you, feet over the edge and perhaps with your hands in my pocket. We’d talk and when we don’t we’d sit in silence and it’d be just us. Just us and the sunset. I’d look at you and say ‘you’re prettier than every sunset combined’. I’m sure you are. Even though I haven’t seen you yet, I picture you to be the prettiest person alive. ”

The sombre tone lacing Soobin’s voice tugged at Yeonjun’s heartstrings. So much so that he had to place his hand on his chest to calm its longing ache. As much as Yeonjun hated to admit it, hearing Soobin speak so fondly of someone he’s never met– speak of him so fondly, made his yearning for the boy grow further and further with every passing second. Yeonjun has identified himself as someone who grows attached to people and things alarmingly fast, and right now, Soobin seemed to be Yeonjun’s next focal point. 

‘This might end badly, Yeonjun. Keep that in mind.’ The thought wrapped in caution tape and sirens flashed in Yeonjun’s mind. The boy sighed but continued to press play. 

“Sorry, I’m a cheesy person if you couldn’t tell. By the way, I have a gift for you.”  

Yeonjun rolled his eyes. ‘What more can this boy give me after all of this?’

“If you’ve found the right place, it must be right behind you, by the rock with an X on it. Yes, I carved it with Huening’s help. Lift it. You should be able to find a little container, painted metallic silver.”

Yeonjun’s confusion grew with every passing second and as his head turned, the said rock with a carefully marked X came into view. He couldn’t help but let out a chuckle as he let his fingers trace over the X, feeling its texture with a thin smile. He struggled but managed to lift it slightly to reveal what Soobin had mentioned. A small container. Yeonjun bit onto his bottom lip and pulled it out before letting the rock fall back to its place. 

Yeonjun turned the container around and tilted his head when the contents inside rattled. The container itself was beginning to rust and Yeonjun felt a momentary wave of fear wash over him as the concern for the condition of whatever was inside grew. 

He opened the gift with much care and let the item inside fall onto his open palm. A little gasp escaped his lips as he studied the object further. Yeonjun lifted the necklace up to study the pendant hanging off of it. Attached to a silver chain was a glass ball pendant, a small white flower petal appeared to be trapped inside of it and Yeonjun found himself handling the necklace with ultimate care. Worried that he might damage it in any way he clasped it around his neck right away yet continued to fiddle with it. 

“It’s a little gift for you before we meet and if you fail to find it, I’ll show you someday. It’s an orange blossom petal. My grandparents own a flower shop with flowers they’ve grown on their own. Their garden is one of the most beautiful things I’ve ever seen. Besides you, of course.”

Soobin laughed once again and this time Yeonjun felt a laugh leave his own lips. He couldn’t help but notice, within a split second, how their laughs harmonized together as if it’s two melodies of a single song. Yeonjun felt the aching in his heart return, this time faster and more fierce. He heaved a sigh, letting his smile drop along with his head. 

Among various complex emotions even the boy himself couldn’t pinpoint, guilt was one of the prominent ones he felt at that moment. His soulmate who was within miles reach had given his entire heart for him– for an insignificant boy who struggled to understand the meaning of love in itself. A boy who was afraid of passing on his parent’s mistakes and hatred onto a family of his own. 

With every word Soobin spoke, to Yeonjun, it started to feel a little too good to be true. 

“I used to sit on my mother’s lap in the middle of the garden by a water fountain and she’d point at each and every flower and tell me all about their meanings.”

Soobin paused for a moment and Yeonjun could hear the boy hastily flipping through the pages of a book. 

“I learned that orange blossom means eternal love when I was eleven. I’m wearing one identical to what you have right now. You could say we’re matching. In the near or far future we could visit my grandparent’s place and I’d show you all the flowers they’ve grown. They’re excited to meet you.”

There was a lengthy pause and Yeonjun could hear Soobin let out a heavy sigh. One of sadness, he recognized. Yeonjun’s fingers returned to the pendant and without giving it a single thought, he raised it to its lips and pressed them softly against it. There was a flutter in his heart as he did so but he merely brushed it aside. 

“So am I. Whoever you are, whoever is listening to this right now. You– with a vision of us in your head, I miss you and I love you. 

See you soon soulmate.”

I love you. I love you. I love you. The words Soobin spoke repeated itself in Yeonjun's mind like a warning sign. Over and over again until it drifted away into nothing but a distant echo. The words slipped past Soobin’s lips so easily, almost as if he’s said it a thousand times before. Yeonjun sat, silent, his heart pounding in his chest. There was no sign of doubt in the three words Soobin spoke and for an unknown reason, it terrified Yeonjun. 

He wasn’t used to feeling so loved and even though it felt as if his heart was ready to jump all in, in the back of his mind Yeonjun knew that all good things eventually come to an end. The device in his hand clicked off with a whirr snapping the boy out of his thoughts. He glanced around realising that the sun has now fully set, leaving the stars and the half moon to keep him company. 

‘It’s late, I should get some sleep.’ Yeonjun thought to himself as he picked himself up off the rocks and began to make his way to his car. He didn’t look back. Not once. 

There’s this place in my city, the carnival. I first discovered it when Beomgyu and Taehyun took me there and made me ride the ferris wheel. This was around the time the two began to get romantically involved and I was officially named the third wheel. When I rode the ferris wheel for the first time, I was scared. I held my breath when we reached the top and had my eyes closed but I remember Taehyun nudging me on the shoulder, telling me to open my eyes and look. I did. The view, the feeling was everything I’ve ever wanted in my life. I was tempted to reach out and grab onto a star that appeared to be much closer than it seemed but what Taehyun said right after brought me back to my feet in an instant. 

He told me that that was what it was like to fall in love.

We were twelve. Quite young to anything about love. But the words stuck with me for years.

The rise of the ferris wheel and the building of the knot in my stomach, despite how sick it made me feel– it was also one of the happiest moments of my life. When the wheel stopped at the top it was as if I was top of the world, quite literally. With the fall of the ferris wheel I could feel my heart in my throat and I wanted to cry. The feeling was frightening but so wonderful. 

That was when I realised that I was supposed to make my soulmate feel that way. I was supposed to make you feel all those emotions I felt while I was on that ferris wheel. And I would get to experience that again with you, except without a ferris wheel, I’d be with you. 

I had these thoughts as I watched my parents give up on each other, day after day. Night after night. I began to grow afraid to love a person I didn’t even know yet. You. I guess that’s where I’m at right now.

You’d be able to find the ticket from that night in the box. I saved it for you.

It had been a while since Yeonjun last had a chance to stargaze. With the nearing of the first of January his friends had been too preoccupied with the idea of finding their potential soulmate to make any visits to the park where they usually stargazed at. Lying on his back in the backseat of the car with the windows rolled down, Yeonjun got a perfect view of the night sky. If not for the single street lamp right above where Yeonjun had stopped the car, the area was devoid of anything except for the empty fields that spread accessible to the boy’s eyesight. Oh and except for the little wooden shop that stood by the side of the road seemingly out of place. 

Yeonjun had driven the car for another half an hour or so after the last stop and one look at the map caused him to assume that this was the last stop before the final destination. Above the shop was the sign ‘SPUTNIK’. The store appeared to be shut for the day judging by the sign that had been flipped to ‘closed’ on the entrance door. 

Being unable to fall asleep at all, Yeonjun reached into his bag and pulled out the tape labelled ‘two’. With much care he inserted the tape into the player and braced himself for the voice that seemed to have a bizarre effect on him. With the click of ‘play’ Soobin’s voice rolled out of the tape and into Yeonjun’s ears and the boy found himself struggling to hide a smile yet again. 

“Hi again.

I’m not in the best mood right now but I know that talking to you is going to make me feel a little better. I- I’ve fallen into a depressive episode and currently I’m on my bed staring at the moon from the crack of my window that I left open despite my mom telling me not to. I guess it’s my fault. I didn’t want to take my medication. I don’t feel like myself when I do.”

Yeonjun sat up immediately, his back against the car door as his eyes bore into the darkness in front of him. Concern wrapped around him like ivy and Yeonjun himself was confused by the intensity of it. His heart collapsed to his stomach at the very words itself. The very thought of his soulmate being in pain caused his head to spin and his anxiety to spike a couple of notches high. 

‘Medication?’ Yeonjun found himself questioning but proceeded to press play, worry etched into his heart.

“Ever since I was young, I’ve been a problematic child, you could say. With or without being aware of it, my behavior changed like the weather and my parents were worried to say the least. I couldn’t get along with friends or make them in the first place. Before I met Huening and before I changed schools, there was an incident. 

I had my first ever manic episode. 

It’s something I can never forget, ever, even if I desperately want to. I was in history class and the kid next to me said something under his breath, something rude and irrelevant to me but my ten year old self didn’t quite know how to handle it. My brain was clouded with nothing but exhilaration. My body seemed to have a mind of its own and when I came back to my senses, I was at the principal's office, my mother by my side and my hand in hers.”

Yeonjun was well read enough to realise just what was wrong with Soobin. He held his breath, a headache now creeping into existence as he listened on, intently. At the back of his mind, Yeonjun couldn’t help but be aware of the fact that Soobin was now trusting him with something that was extremely personal to him. Hearing the muffled sniffles of Soobin, all Yeonjun wanted to do was pull the boy into a hug. 

To say or do something– anything to comfort Soobin. The ache in his heart expanded along with the throbbing lump in his throat. Yeonjun was now painfully aware of why his soulmate’s pain appeared to be almost contagious. Over the course of five years, Taehyun and Beomgyu had mentioned several times how they shared the other's pain and happiness as if it was their own. Voluntarily or not. 

Fate was both kind and unkind enough to decide it for them. And in this case, Yeonjun and Soobin included. 

“I was so tired. Like I’ve run a hundred miles barefoot. I was taken home and I never went back to that school. That night I heard my parents talking in the kitchen, the tension and the anxiety was sky high, I could almost slice it with a knife. 

My mom whispered to my dad, ‘he stabbed a kid with a pencil.’”

Yeonjun let out a gasp, his hand flying to his mouth.

“I was taken to the psychiatrist a week later. The doctor was nicer than I expected and we talked for a while. Being the innocent nine year old kid I was, over the course of two hours, I’ve told her about myself inside out as she scribbled away in her brown notepad. 

Long story short, I got diagnosed with bipolar disorder when I was ten. 

I tend to fall into depressive episodes when I fail to take my daily medication. Sometimes it’s by accident, sometimes I forget on purpose. When I do take them, I don’t feel like myself. Even though I feel terribly better, my own emotions feel foreign to me. I haven’t had a manic episode in a while and when I do get them I’ve learned ways to stay as calm as I could. 

I don’t know why I’m telling you this now but I felt like you should know.” 

He was proud. Yeonjun was proud of his soulmate for opening up to him. He himself understood just how difficult it is to reveal intimate information like that with his heart on his sleeve. And he could sense Soobin’s discomfort and once again Yeonjun’s entire body tingled with an overwhelming urge for something. It was as if he was going into overdrive– as if he wanted to pick up his feet and run towards the voice. 

He wanted to run to Soobin. To tell him that it’s going to be okay. To tell him that he was finally there. To tell him that the wait is over. But all he could do was sit in his car a couple of miles away from him. Away from a home he once knew and a home he’s about to know. 

The lump in his throat grew larger and Yeonjun let out a sigh–  almost a whimper of defeat, in hopes of easing the rising emotions but to no avail.

“My mom had said that when she met my dad for the first time, it felt like she was looking at herself. A mirror image. Two flickers of the same flame. She was so overwhelmed that she cried. And I could never understand what she meant until I got a little older. Now I can see it when my dad waits for her by the door everyday to help her put on her heels. 

Or the way my dad would let my mom have the last slice of pizza or something simple as opening a door for her. 

I want to feel it with you. I want to look into your eyes and find myself a home. There won’t be any days where you feel unloved. What I felt by the beach, the exquisite happiness that felt far beyond my finger tips, I’d feel that with you. 

I love you, stranger.” 

As Soobin muttered the last words the recording drew to a close and ended with a small audible click and as if on cue, Yeonjun's head dropped backwards as he struggled to contain his tears. 

It felt wrong but so right. As much as he liked it, it felt wrong how Soobin spoke of him with such admiration. How he was treating Yeonjun as he was enough to replace every sunset, every sea and every star in the universe. How he made Yeonjun feel so much without laying a finger on him, all of it felt so deceptively right. Yeonjun wanted to yell at him. He wanted to shake Soobin by the shoulders to bring him back to his senses. 

‘Stop making me feel so much.’ Yeonjun wanted to cry out. 

Instead Yeonjun wiped the tears off his damp cheeks, let the cassette player drop to the ground and brought his knees to his chest. He glanced up at the sky, a star twinkled, capturing his attention for a split second and he found himself whispering,

“I love you too, Soobin.”

The park that Beomgyu, Taehyun and I often visit is almost never crowded. People rarely go there anymore so it’s been the trio’s hangout spot for a while now. We’d sit on the swings or the slide or lay on the grass and talk about our futures. Beomgyu and Taehyung already had plans. They were gonna take on the world together. Starting from that park itself they had dreams to travel all the way to Paris and London. They were going to buy a cheap apartment and live off of whatever penny they had but reassured themselves that they were all they needed. 

They still think the same to this day. 

But I, I never had a clue what I wanted to do. I still don’t know what I want to do but hey, there’s more time for that right? I don’t need to have my entire life planned out for me as of now. I’m just gonna see where it goes I guess. But I do want to go to college. Maybe move away from home and pursue psychology. 

I don’t know. I haven’t really thought it through yet but I’d like that for sure. 

Yeonjun woke up to the sun flashing in his face blinding him and making him hiss as he struggled to get up. He rubbed his eyes and glanced around. Catching a glimpse of himself in the mirror he noticed how his eyes seemed heavy and bloodshot from the night before. He rubbed them in hopes of relieving the irritation but when they shifted to the cassette player abandoned on the ground, he let out a sigh. 

The emotions from the night before lingered with him and after a few seconds of musing in silence Yeonjun brought his hand to his chest and patted his heart in hopes of relieving it’s ache. 

Yeonjun reached for his phone to check the time and rubbed his temple as he saw 8 : 00 across the screen. He didn’t fail to notice the messages that had spammed his phone over the course of twenty four hours. All from his friends, none from his father. What did he expect anyway?

He clicked on the groupchat to reveal Beomgyu and Taehyun mourning the loss of Yeonjun having jumped to the conclusion that he was now dead and rotting by a stranded road. 

He stifled a chuckle and typed a response. 

YEONJUN: Guys, chill. I’m alive

BEOMGYU: HOLY SHIT HE’S ALIVE

TAEHYUN: OH MY GOD HE’S ALIVE

Wait, did you find him? Can we talk to him? Is he there? Are you okay?

YEONJUN: Oh my god, one question at a time please. No I didn’t find him yet, soon though and yeah I’m okay. Better than I could’ve imagined.

BEOMGYU: Good to know. Let us know what happens asshat. Are you having fun though?

The question made Yeonjun ponder for some time. Is he? Taking a quick look around his car and the area surrounding it, Yeonjun couldn’t help but agree. He’s never had this sense of freedom and despite being in complete solitude for the ride it felt as if he had company all along. It felt as if Soobin was there, right there beside him for the entirety of the journey. Through every song on the playlist, every word he spoke through the tapes and every letter, Soobin was around. 

YEONJUN: Yeah I am.

He pocketed the phone and his gaze shifted to the store across the road and the ‘SPUTNIK’ sign was now illuminated in a string of blue lights and the sign on the door was flipped to ‘open’. Yeonjun pursed his lips and grabbed the remaining letters from his bag. Two more to go. Ripping the brown envelope open Yeonjun could feel the knot in his stomach grow. One more stop and that’s it. 

Now’s the time for the last stop before we officially meet. It’s a vintage clothing store. Named ‘Sputnik’. 

Yeonjun raised his head and read the sign on the store and nodded to himself.

‘Looks about right.’

Huening told me about the store a couple of years ago when we traveled through the town together on our bicycles. It’s a vintage clothing store. Pretty cheap stuff but good quality. Highly recommended by yours truly. I want you to go inside and pick yourself an outfit. If you want to know me you should know I’m a slut and a whore for nice clothes. 

Yeonjun let out a laugh, silently making a mental note of it for his list of things he’s learned about Soobin on his way to him. Yeonjun himself was all for good outfits so Soobin’s excitement was understandable. 

I’ll give you the chance to pick yourself an outfit. But to top it all off, I have something special in the changing room at the very back of the store.

Closing the door of the car and clutching the letter in his hand, Yeonjun walked over towards the store. Yeonjun scanned the shop as soon as the door opened and the elderly woman by the counter gave him a quick look and returned back to reading her book. Yeonjun bowed but drew his lips into a thin line when he realised she was paying no attention to him. 

Yeonjun walked around the store for a while, weaving his hands through the clothes and after a couple of minutes he managed to pick himself a decent outfit. Keeping in mind that this is what he would be wearing to meet his soulmate, Yeonjun made an excessive amount of effort to look his very best. 

After paying for the outfit and questioning if he could change then and there, he walked towards the back of the shop. Finding the changing room took little to no effort as the store was a very confined space. 

I want you to open the little bench, be careful it squeaks a little. I hope to god they haven’t fixed it yet.

Yeonjun looked down at the said seat and raised an eyebrow at it. Soobin’s surprises were getting slightly out of hand but Yeonjun loved every second of it. Tucking in the newly bought white t-shirt into his jeans, he placed the letter in between his pursed lips. He tugged at the seat and was pleasantly surprised when the top surface lifted rather easily. And as Soobin warned, a squeak erupted inside the changing room and Yeonjun grimaced. A few seconds passed with Yeonjun frozen in his place. 

Coming back to his senses he peeked inside and let out a slight gasp. A black denim jacket sat, neatly folded at the very corner. He picked it up and returned the seat to its original state before taking a seat on it, his eyes refusing to leave the object in his hands. 

The label at the collar of the jacket held the words ‘to you’ in handwriting that Yeonjun could recognize anywhere without a second glance. He turned the jacket around and titled his head. A half-moon was spray painted onto the back almost hastily and as Yeonjun dragged his fingers tenderly across the painting and wondered if Soobin had painted it himself. There was paint slightly out of place and it had visible imperfections but good lord, was it beautiful. 

Letting his eyes drop to the sleeves of the jacket Yeonjun caught sight of a small ‘S’ painted onto the surface. Yeonjun smiled. 

It’s my jacket. I painted it myself as you can probably tell by my horrible painting skills. I left it there last week when Huening told me about the perfect hiding spot. I also sprayed a little bit of perfume so it smells like me. I thought the jacket might make it easy for me to recognise you when we meet. 

Yeonjun’s grip on the jacket tightened as he slowly brought it closer to his nose. Taking a slight sniff of the fabric, Yeonjun's shoulders dropped as the sweet perfume reached his nose.

Citrus and vanilla was all Yeonjun could think about as he continued to clutch onto the jacket as if his life depended on it. The scent wasn’t intense enough for Yeonjun’s liking and the thought of losing it over time feared him for a split second but he brushed it off as a concern for later. His heart did an involuntary jump at the thought of wearing the jacket that was not only gifted to him by his soulmate but also smelled like him.

A light smile drew on Yeonjun’s lips as his heart began to grow warm, missing a few beats as it began to beat faster. His eyes accidentally met with his own in the reflection of the mirror and Yeonjun dropped the jacket, silently judging himself for his peculiar behavior. 

He put the jacket on and studied himself in the mirror. The jacket was a lot more oversized over his frame than he expected but it provided him with more comfort and glee than he could’ve asked for.  

And if you leave the store now, that would take approximately an hour. 

See you soon, soulmate.

Love, 

Choi Soobin.

Walking by the cash register was one struggle Yeonjun overlooked before coming out of the changing room. He stopped in his tracks realising that the jacket had every possibility of being questioned. He peered over to notice that the woman by the register has now dozed off, her book long forgotten on her lap as her head drooped onto the side. Yeonjun took a deep breath and creeped towards the side of the shop, wanting to appear hidden among the clothes. But even if he wanted to, his 5’11 self would be pretty hard to miss. His breath caught in his throat as he took hurried yet silent steps towards the door. He threw the door open and bolted across the street repeating the word ‘fuck’ under his breath over and over again until he reached his car. Even though he wasn’t necessarily stealing the jacket, it certainly felt like he was. 

Without taking a second glance at what’s behind him, Yeonjun drove on. 

It didn’t take him long to realise that the next stop was the end. With just one envelope peeking out of his bag begging to be opened, Yeonjun’s grip on the wheel tightened. He deliberately ignored it but the thoughts in his mind didn’t cease even after he opened the map as if to ensure that he was on the right path. The realisation that he was going to be with his soulmate– with Soobin, in just a few minutes made him break out in cold sweat. 

Even though the entire purpose of the journey was to find him, Yeonjun found himself questioning if he’s doing the right thing. His mind began to race with a million what-ifs. 

‘What if he changes his mind?’

‘What if he doesn’t feel the spark that he expects so much from me?’

‘What if this was another mistake the universe forgot to warn me about?’

Yeonjun shook his head in an attempt to dismiss them but when he simply couldn’t he pulled over to the side of the road and leaned back, letting his head fall backwards colliding with the seat with a small thump . He took a deep breath and struggled to reassure himself. 

Over the course of more than twenty four hours Yeonjun had learned so much about Soobin and he wanted nothing but just him. All of his thoughts and words were absolute artwork to Yeonjun. How Soobin saw the world, Yeonjun included, was everything he could wish for in himself. So beautifully raw. Even though he made pathetic attempts to not be charmed by his soulmate, it was impossible. 

After all, every force of the universe had premeditated plans of a few thousand years for them to finally cross paths. 

A few minutes passed after Yeonjun had brought the car to a sudden halt. He sat in silence for a couple of minutes, the thoughts in his mind running faster than the speed of light until they disappeared into the corners. Tucking his bottom lip between his teeth Yeonjun brought the car back to life and began the drive once again. 

‘Would he be taller than me?’

‘What would his smile look like?’

‘What would make him laugh like he did in the tapes?’

One look at the map was all it took for him to realise that he had made it to Soobin’s place. He gazed outside his window to see the towering apartment complex that he assumed Soobin was residing in. Yeonjun picked up the final letter and opened it with shaking fingers. His breath caught in his throat as he quickly read through the words Soobin had written. 

Apartment 463.

That’s where I am. 

I’ll be waiting.

Love,

Soobin. 

He read the words a couple more times, his nervousness rising in intensity as he did so. He tucked the letter into the pocket of his or Soobin’s rather, jacket. Yeonjun peered into his bag in search of an item that he had shoved in haste of leaving his house a day ago. 

He stared down at the letter in his hand. One he had written when he was a mere nine year old boy. A letter he had frantically penned one night after the story his mother had said to drift him off to sleep. The story was a fabricated tale of two destined souls created by her mother to fuel Yeonjun’s vivid imagination and fascination. At seventeen Yeonjun wrote to his soulmate which he sealed in a black box. But this letter was discarded to the depths of the boy’s belongings as he grew in age and with the departure of his mother, came to the conclusion that finding his soulmate was something he would never bother with. 

Yeonjun wanted to gift the letter to Soobin. The person he pictured as he poured his heart onto that paper. The last of his childhood innocence was captured in the piece of paper clutched in his hands and leaving it in the hands of his soulmate felt like a promise he wanted to keep to the boy who used to dream a little too big to break his own heart. 

Yeonjun gulped, gathering whatever courage that was left in him as hopped off the car with his letter tucked into his pocket. 

Walking down the hallway was more daunting than Yeonjun could’ve possibly imagined. With every step, he scanned the number on each door he passed. With every door he passed, his heart began to rise closer and closer to his throat. A new thought began to generate in his mind with each step, tormenting him.

458. ‘What should I say if he opens the door?’
459. ‘How should I greet his parents?’
460. ‘What if I cry when I see him?’
461. ‘Oh my god, what if he thinks I’m ugly?’
462. ‘You got this Yeonjun. Just don’t be weird.’

463.

Yeonjun stood at the door. Every decision he had made in the last twenty four hours had brought him to the very spot he was standing. In a matter of seconds the anxiety in his veins would be replaced with solace. Comfort. The ache in his feet and the exhaustion would reside as soon his eyes land on Soobin’s. Maybe, like Taehyun mentioned, he might feel the space in his heart closing up as if it’s a whisper of ‘welcome home’. And maybe, what he felt on the ferris wheel may not even come close to what it's like to hold Soobin’s hand. 

Yeonjun’s fist collided with the door three times. He stepped back and clenched his fists as he waited, counting every passing second in his head. His head lifted as the door creaked open.

“Can I help you?” 

The man at the door was certainly a little too old to be Soobin. Or had he got the wrong memo the entire time? Pushing his intrusive thoughts aside, Yeonjun answered.

“I was looking for Soobin?” 

Yeonjun’s voice dropped to a whisper as the sentence drew to a close and when the man raised a questioning eyebrow at the boy, he couldn’t formulate a proper response. Uneasiness began to creep up Yeonjun’s spine and before he could help it, it had taken over his face. Had he knocked on the wrong door?

“ Choi Soobin?” Yeonjun remarked, his voice barely above a whisper. The man by the door pondered for a split second before coming to a visible realisation. With a clap of his hands and his lips forming an o , he looked at Yeonjun with a self-satisfied smile. 

“You mean the Choi family who used to live here?”

Used to. Yeonjun didn’t fail to catch those two words in an instant. The knot in his stomach increased in ferocity but he stopped himself from jumping into unreasoned conclusions. Even if he did, he couldn’t help but like his heart was wrapping its evil hands around itself, beating faster and louder with every thought he dismissed. 

Noticing how the boy at his door had now grown silent and slightly pale, the man continued.

“A family with the surname Choi used to live here. They moved out a couple of months ago. Such a nice lovely family they were. We helped them move too.” The man stalled, a remnant of a smile painting his lips as he reminisced. Yeonjun nodded, urging him to continue. “They gave me their new address in case of an emergency-”

He cut himself off to scan Yeonjun from head to toe. He noticed the letter in his clenched hand, now slightly crumpled as his fingers dug into his palm. His lips were slightly parted as he stared at the man with his eyes brimming with fear. 

“-which I assume this is? Why exactly are you looking for them if you don’t mind telling me?”

Yeonjun swallowed, in hopes of clearing his throat. He wondered for a split second if he should tell him the truth or come up with a quick lie. But his mind was too fogged up to come up with anything and so he spoke.

“I’m looking for my soulmate. H-He gave me this address.” 

The man’s face dropped into a nostalgic smile and after a few seconds of contemplation he reached over to give Yeonjun’s hand a small squeeze. 

“I’ll look for it, give me a second. You can come inside if you want. Make yourself at home.” he said before retreating back into the apartment, letting the door open a little further to welcome the boy. Yeonjun felt a breath of relief leave his lips as he stepped inside. The man scrambled to a room and Yeonjun stood by the couch, shifting from one foot to the other, his eyes set in the direction where the man disappeared off to. He was too anxious to even take a seat. 

‘Soobin didn’t tell me anything about moving.’ Yeonjun thought to himself as he bit his bottom lip. ‘Why didn’t he tell me?’

‘Did I make the wrong choice coming here after all?’

The sound of the house owner's footsteps broke him from his trance. He passed a folded note to Yeonjun who opened the note hurriedly to skim over the address. He let out another breath of relief as he shifted his gaze to the man who was staring at him expectantly.

“Thank you. Thank you so much, sir.” Yeonjun said as he made a couple of ninety degree bows which the other struggled to stop by placing a hand on his shoulder. Yeonjun’s lips broke out into a smile of gratitude which the man reciprocated. 

“This Choi Soobin you mentioned before–” he paused. “-is he your soulmate?”

Yeonjun’s smile widened slightly as he nodded, almost shyly.

“I remember when I was like you, a young boy searching for a soulmate of my own. I found her and I’ve been the happiest ever since.”

The smile on the man’s face was contagious enough to reach Yeonjun’s. When they reached a moment of prolonged silence Yeonjun muttered a small ‘I should go’ under his breath to which the man nodded leading the boy back to the entrance door.

“Thank you, again, sir.” Yeonjun voiced his gratitude once more along with another bow. He took no more than two steps away from the door when he was stopped again. Except this time, he almost stumbled over thin air as soon as the words reached his ears.

“It’s a shame what happened to that boy.”

Yeonjun turned around, genuine shock etched onto his features as he stared in utter confusion. He didn’t like how the man said the words. Laced in sympathy, it made his heart drop, colliding with the pits of his stomach where his anxiety overgrew. 

“W-what?” he managed to choke out and the man by the door who was in the process of closing the door stopped mid-action and looked at him. 

“Oh. You didn’t know.” he muttered, almost to himself. His eyes met with Yeonjun’s. “He got into an accident.”

Soobin. Soobin. Soobin. 

It was the only word Yeonjun could properly work out in his head. Million questions swarmed to his mind but he couldn’t bother putting one by one into comprehensible words. The space in his heart began to crack further open, the solacing emotions he had expected to fill it’s void were now replaced with sheer panic. ‘ I’ll be waiting.’ Soobin’s voice echoed from a corner of his mind and Yeonjun snapped back to reality in an instant. It was then when he realised that the man had been speaking for a while, watching him with sympathetic eyes. In his panic-stricken state, Yeonjun managed to catch a portion of the sentence he was speaking.

“-he was in the hospital last time I spoke with his parents.” he paused to scan Yeonjun’s reaction. When he made none, he continued. “I’m sure he’s recovered, it has been a few months already.” 

He pursed his lips and gave one last look at the boy by the door and retreated back to his home, closing the door behind him. 

Yeonjun stood, frozen to the spot before letting out a small sigh. All of his expectations that he had shamelessly built for the last few days had done a complete one eighty  in a matter of minutes to the worst. 

‘I’m sure he’s okay.’ Yeonjun muttered out loud as he began his walk back to his car. The words weren’t enough to reassure him and so he picked up his feet, now fully sprinting towards his car, his jacket flapping in the wind behind him, the letter still clutched to his fingers. His orange blossom necklace tapped light against his chest, almost a reminder of what he was missing. The thought of losing his soulmate began to etch onto his mind and despite piteous attempts to get rid of it, the thought remained. Cold sweat dripped down his forehead as visions of his mother’s last visit returned to mind in flashes of lapsed memories. The last thing he wanted was to lose Soobin the same way he lost his mother. 

‘Soobin, I love you-’ The words spoke in his mind in bold letters as he picked up his speed. He wanted to yell the words out in desperation. All he wanted to do was let Soobin know. To let his soulmate know that without ever seeing him, without laying a finger on him, without a single strand of doubt– he was completely in love. ‘Just wait a little longer.’

After that night at the carnival every time I needed to clear my mind or needed a break, I’d go to that ferris wheel and ride it once, twice, until I was dizzy. I’d watch people with their hands in each other’s pockets, laughter spilling out of them every second. Then I’d look at the sky and think of you. 

To be honest, there were times when I couldn’t help but think of you. Even though I rolled my eyes every time Beomgyu and Taehyun shared a kiss or held hands or tied each other's shoes, I wondered what it felt like. I wondered what it felt like to fall in love each and every second of the day, without even realising it.

With his rising hysteria Yeonjun slammed his car door shut, simultaneously beginning to rummage through for its remaining contents. Loud pants left his lips as he set aside the letters and cassette tapes he’s already opened on the passenger seat. 

‘Why didn’t Soobin mention anything about an accident?’

Books which were hurriedly flipped through tossed themselves onto the passenger seat as Yeonjun stared defeatedly at the seemingly empty bag on his lap. His car was now a disorganized mess but he couldn’t care less. The grip on the letter and the address didn’t cease as his vexation rose along with the rhythm of his breath. The worst possible scenarios began to present itself in Yeonjun’s mind. He muttered a string of curse words as he ran a frustrated hand through his hair. 

A paper at the very bottom of the bag caught Yeonjun’s eye and without leaving a second to spare he took it out, letting the bag onto his feet as he examined the neatly folded paper. There were no jagged edges of being ripped off a notebook present like he’d noticed in the ones prior to the note in his hands. As the creases unfolded, it left permanent streaks on the paper as if the writer had run their hands over the edges for more times than necessary. 

Yeonjun held his breath as the note unfolded, pushing away the thought that appeared multiple times in his head screaming at him how something seemed very wrong. 

Hello. This is Soobin’s mother. 

I know my son has been writing to you for a while now and I wanted to do this for him. He would’ve wanted me to. 

Soobin’s mother? The crease between his brows deepened further as he steadied his trembling hands. 

I’m sure my dear Soobin already told you but he suffered from bipolar disorder which sometimes made him have manic episodes and extreme depressive episodes. They stopped for a while and we thought he was finally getting better. He stopped nestling himself in his room avoiding any form of interaction. He started to hang out with his friend again. 

He started smiling again.

We felt like Soobin was finally ready to drive on his own. He had wanted to for a long time and seeing him so happy we momentarily forgot what made us question in the first place. He said he wanted to drive around the town, visit his favorite places. Go to that beach he claimed his own. 

But he couldn’t. Because my son got into an accident. 

He had a manic episode while driving. So intense to the point where he lost control of his own body. Currently he’s at the Ansan hospital. 

Whoever you are, I hope you get to meet my dear Soobin someday. He’s talked about you for years. I don’t know what fate has planned for him but I know my son is strong enough to get through this. 

Yeonjun’s eyes traced over the final word. He wanted to turn the page and read the words ‘Ha you got pranked!’. He wanted to hear Soobin laugh like he did a couple of times, at Yeonjun’s absurd reaction. Anything to make this reality a mere hallucination. His eyes shifted slowly towards the windy road in front of him, it was empty. Another painful reminder of how the space in his heart, reserved for his soulmate remained a hollow void. 

As if his hand had a mind of its own it reached out slowly and turned the key, making the car rev in its place. His eyes caught a glimpse of the wrist of his jacket stained in the shape of an S and with one last throb in his chest he brought it closer to his chest. He clenched his eyes shut in an attempt to stop the tears that were threatening to escape but when they opened again his glazy stare met with the necklace around his neck, the orange blossom petal gazing back at him from within the glass. 

He pressed it against his lips once more. A tug at his heartstrings. A tug at the string that tied him to Soobin. 

‘Don’t leave me. Please not you.’ Hoping the words reached his soulmate in any possible way, he drove through the winding roads. At the end of the ride, the answer to all the questions in his head would be standing in the form of an eighteen year old boy. He was certain that at the end of the road was going to be a boy with a smile and necklace similar to his. Soobin’s address was tattooed onto every crook and crevice of his brain as he turned crossroads. 

A house with a white picket fence; Yeonjun stopped.

After one glance at the address, Yeonjun stepped out of the car, feeling blood rush to his head and slightly nauseous. For a split second he contemplated if he should avoid the encounter all together but as he tucked his hands into the pockets of Soobin’s jacket his fingers grazed the wrinkled letter that he had pocketed some time ago. He could picture his nine year old self staring up at him with expectant eyes wanting nothing but to run into his soulmate’s arms. 

And somewhere in a far cosmos, two stars would collide, only to burn stronger, brighter. 

With every step, he carried his excitement, every daydream of his and with every step forward he left a part of his past self behind. As he knocked on the door he felt his heart jump to his throat the same way it did back at apartment 463. But this time all of his excitement was slowly altering into fear. It took no more than a few seconds for the door to open and Yeonjun figured that if it hadn’t he would have bolted back to his car out of genuine panic. 

A man opened the door, a frown evident on his face as he stepped slightly aside to let the woman by his side peek out the door to meet Yeonjun’s eyes. And when they did, Yeonjun felt a rush of warmth crashing into his heart. So intense to the point where he almost stumbled in his steps. The woman stepped past her husband and walked closer towards him. As Yeonjun opened his mouth to question, she reached out her hand towards where the orange blossom pendant rested. With the touch of other tips against the glass Yeonjun’s mouth fell slightly ajar with a small gasp.

Soobin’s mother. 

After a few seconds of absolute silence she retracted her hand, her face lighting up with a tender smile as her eyes drifted to his jacket. 

“Come inside.” she spoke and the boy nodded before following them inside, mutedly. They sat on the couch in unison while Yeonjun remained standing, awkwardly shuffling in his place. Soobin’s dad motioned him to sit with an outstretched hand; the boy immediately settled on the couch directly in front. Yeonjun found his eyes roaming around the place scanning the beautiful interior of the house but most importantly in hopes of catching a glance of who he was searching for. The place was well lit as a result of the large french windows that gave a pleasant view of their backyard where a mossed water fountain sat. 

Soobin’s father cleared his throat, grabbing the boy’s attention who muttered a small ‘oh’ and bowed. 

“I’m Choi Yeonjun.” he stalled. He hasn’t rehearsed, not only how he was going to introduce himself but also the way he was going to break the news that he was in search of his soulmate who happened to be their son. “I-I’m Soobin’s soulmate.” 

The silence that followed made Yeonjun drop his eyes to his fiddling hands as he muttered a curse word under his breath. From the corner of his eye he noticed them sharing a glance at each other and before Mrs. Choi could speak her husband placed a hand on hers, as if to stop her. 

“We know, Yeonjun. That’s his favorite jacket and–” he pointed towards Yeonjun’s chest. 

“That necklace– he has one too. It’s his favorite flower.” Mrs. Choi butted in. Yeonjun nodded in agreement, his fingers caressing the pendant once again. He noticed how Mrs. Choi continued to stare at him with a look of adoration in her eyes. A twinkle that he once saw in his own mother’s eyes. Despite looking at a mere stranger, they held so much love to the point where it overwhelmed him. 

“Yes Mrs. Choi. He gave them to me.” he remarked, smiling fondly as the memory of the most beautiful sunset he’s ever seen flashed across mind. Soobin’s mother tsked as she leaned forward, taking Yeonjun's hands in hers before running her thumb over his skin tenderly. The trivial act in itself was enough to warm Yeonjun’s heart who swallowed the lump in his throat dismissing a vision of his own mother, stroking his hand as she sat by his bed with what he believed to be love, evident in her eyes. 

“Call me mom, Yeonjun.”

The heaviness in his chest felt like it was being lifted slightly and he had to force himself to look away from her eyes in order to not burst into tears. Mom. It had been years since he’s heard that word more or less said it and the gratitude he felt ran right down to his fingertips. He gave her hand a squeeze, giving her a gentle smile, a silent ‘thank you’ lingering on his tongue. 

Yeonjun’s eyes left hers and whisked past the picture frame, elegantly placed on top of the fireplace, on display for visitors’ eyes. And in this case, Yeonjun’s. For a fraction of a second, it felt as if his heart contracted. Tightening around itself as he scanned the photo. Without being aware of it, he was now on his feet, walking towards the picture as if he was being tugged towards it with or without his will. 

He picked up the frame and ran his finger over the boy who stood in the middle of the photo. It didn’t take him longer than two seconds to realise who the boy was. He was every bit as beautiful as he had imagined and more. His black hair falling onto his crescent moon eyes that Yeonjun ached to brush away. The smile Soobin wore on his face made every sunset he’s ever seen, including the one Soobin himself made him see, seem less entrancing. Every feeling the ferris wheel offered, the rise, the pause and the fall, doubled in intensity at the very sight of his soulmate. His arm slung over a boy having the looks of his own age, they appeared to be laughing at the sky, seemingly having the time of their lives.

An orange blossom tree began to grow in Yeonjun’s heart, embracing its roots over the cracks. 

“Can I–” Yeonjun started, his eyes fixated on the photo. “Can I see him?” He raised his head to look at the others in the room, who were also on their feet, watching Yeonjun.

The smile on his face began to fade as his eyes met with theirs. Soobin’s father’s eyes dropped to the floor, but he remained silent causing Yeonjun’s eyebrows to furrow in rising confusion. A single glance at the woman by his side was all it took for Yeonjun to realise that something was wrong. Something was so terribly wrong. 

He had seen this look before. A look so pained that he knew it’s going to engrave itself into his mind as an eternal memory. His mother wore the same expression as she held his hands by the door, kissing him on the forehead as an empty promise left her lips. 

“Would you like to meet him?”

Maybe you’d come along with me to move to another town. And maybe together we could get an apartment just like Beomgyu and Taehyun. Maybe you and I could make a home for ourselves. No slamming doors and screaming. Just us and the four walls. We’d fall in love everyday and we won’t need a ferris wheel anymore. Even on days where we don’t feel like we’re on top of the world, we’d still fall. Over and over again. 

There are a lot of what ifs in my head. What if I don’t find you ever? What if you already have a lover? What if we fall in and out of love just like that? 

I don’t know what to expect but I won’t keep expectations at all. I’ll love you for who you are and who you’ll become with or without me. Even if we work or don’t work out, at the end of the day, the universe wants me to be yours. And that’s what I’ll be. 

See you soon, soulmate.

With love,

Yeonjun.

“When we met it felt like we were two flickers of the same flame.” 

Soobin’s mom had whispered as the little boy stared up at her with every star in the sky trapped in his eyes. As he read the words Soobin wrote in his letter, Yeonjun had held this metaphor in the back of his mind ever since. With every person he had been infatuated with over the years he would walk away from; solely because he was certain, deep down, that they were not who he was destined to be with. But he never felt closer to heaven than when he listened to Soobin’s voice for the first time. He had never felt a love run deeper than his entire being and soul until Soobin. 

Sitting where he sat, he expected his heart to burst into flames within his body. Yet it didn’t. He burned. But in the quietest warmth possible. The orange blossom tree that blossomed in his chest withered and petals scattered itself among every heartstring of his like a painful reminder of what he had lost. 

Here lies: Choi Soobin 

Loving son, friend and soulmate. 

‘For every breath and smile that was yours, a star shone a little brighter. An orange blossom smelled a little sweeter. The sunset lasted a little longer.’

Every step and every mile he travelled all seemed to conclude where he was. Beside Soobin. Where every star in their path intertwined to create a crossroad for them to meet. It was a case of right place, wrong time and in the cruel hands of fate the two souls remained unmet. 

Their story wasn’t a mistake like Yeonjun wanted to believe. In the back of his mind, he knew he was born to love Soobin. He knew that out of every heart that beat and didn’t, it was Soobin’s, his own heart was meant to sync with. He knew that even if the circumstances were different, if the thread of fate didn’t choose each other, he’d still fall for Soobin. 

Two petals of the same flower, two stars in the same cosmos, too far yet always so close.

“Meet me at the crossroads, Soobin–” Yeonjun whispered to the letter that lay by Soobin’s stone, slightly crumpled at the edges, with a tear stained face and an aching throat. “–where the orange blossoms grow and this time when I hold your hand I won’t let go.”