Work Text:
“Patching you through. Commander - JESUS CHRIST!”
. . . . . . . . . .
Look, in Joker’s defense, no one else had figured it out.
He knew Horizon had gone badly. A deaf-blind batarian five systems away knew Horizon had gone badly. So when Jack had called it a “lover’s spat”, how was he supposed to take her seriously? Jack was practically the ship’s second joker. Shepard immediately retreating to his cabin with Garrus and three bottles of brandy, that was weird, but hey. Everyone needed a night off.
“Shepard’s off-duty tonight, Joker. Miranda’s on deck.”
“What, drinking to forget the ‘lover’s spat’?”
Garrus looked kind of surprised he was in on the joke. “…yeah.”
“Cool.”
Garrus just blinked at him for a few seconds before he left, like he’d been expecting a follow-up. Weird.
“Turians,” he’d said to EDI. “Totally deadpan sense of humor.”
(…okay, so maybe Garrus knew.)
. . . . . . . . . .
“I know he’s a Spectre, Esteban, and it was the middle of a fight, stuff gets weird. But it wasn’t just that. Shit was real weird.”
“Define ‘weird’, Mr. Vega.”
“Weird weird.”
“…you’re going to have to be more specific."
Joker sighed and tapped his mic. “Guys, this is an open comm.”
He swore he could hear Vega’s embarrassed blush. “Um.”
“Joker,” Steve cut in, “we were talking about the new Blasto movie. Right? That’s all we were talking about.”
Son of a bitch, those two had already seen it? How the hell did they get it streaming?
“Right. Obviously.”
Good thing they stopped when they did. Joker hated spoilers.
(And in his defense, that conversation could’ve been going a lot of places.)
. . . . . . . . . .
“Why are we docking again? I thought we resupplied last week.”
“The commander is visiting Huerta.” Doctor Chakwas had her feet up, a romance novel in her hand, and seemed done with this conversation already.
“He’s talking to Thane a lot, huh?”
“Oh, absolutely. Thane is the reason he’s there every day.”
Weird. Joker thought. I didn’t know Shep and Thane were that close.
(In fairness, British accents made it hard to detect sarcasm.)
. . . . . . . . . .
“Hey, we getting off this station anytime soon, or is the Commander twiddling his thumbs?”
“Shepard and Kaidan are at lunch.” How Liara managed to look delicate as she nibbled on some asari fruit that looked like an Easter egg and smelled like death, he’d never know.
“Yeah, but it’s like four o’clock. You’re having a snack.” Come to think of it, he could use a snack. Did they have pretzels?
Liara gave him a look. Not just a look, a look. The “I am the Shadow Broker and know more than you, and even before that, I could kill you with my brain” look.
“It’s a long lunch, Joker.”
Well, a war could make anyone day-drink. He just hoped Shepard would sober up by nightfall.
(So. Shep had gotten Kaidan that bottle of whiskey when he was injured, so clearly they already liked drinking together, and…okay, there were several things he’d missed, here.)
. . . . . . . . . .
Tali’s attempts to join in on strip poker by piling various hats, scarves, and necklaces over her exosuit had apparently failed, because by the time Joker got to the Starboard Lounge, she was down to Vega’s borrowed Yankee’s cap and at least six sheets to the wind.
“Hi, Joker.” She lolled over and almost rolled off the couch. “I’m druuuuuuuuuunk.”
“Tell me something I don’t know.”
Apparently unaware of human idioms, Tali leaned forward and cupped her hand around his ear.
“Kaidan and Shepard are kiiiiiiiiiising.”
Joker sighed. “And I just ran a marathon. Tali, drink some water.”
(He honestly had no excuse for that one.)
. . . . . . . . . .
...so yeah, maybe he’d missed a few things. But really, this was EDI’s fault.
“Joker,” Shepard said, in the same tone he used before shoving an uncooperative batarian out a window, “I want you to understand what just happened.”
“Yeah?”
“You patched the Council through.”
“Yep.”
“To my private cabin.”
“Absolutely.”
“With no warning.”
“I did ping you.”
“…Joker, the entire galactic government has now seen me naked.”
A sigh that could only be Kaidan. “And also me. Thanks.”
“What the HELL possessed you?”
If he didn’t speak up in his own defense, this was going to turn into a kangaroo court. “EDI said you and Kaidan were in a ‘Spectre debriefing!’”
“Technically,” EDI cut in, “multiple Spectres were de-briefed.”
Silence hung as they all let that sink in. EDI turned towards him and smiled innocently.
“It was a joke.”
Someone snickered. It sounded like Kaidan.
“What? That was pretty good.”
Shepard’s sigh could probably knock a Reaper over with its sheer force of exasperation. “Joker. Did you not notice how many, ah…debriefings were in my schedule?”
“It’s a war! You have a lot of intel to go over!”
“At night. With just me and Kaidan.”
“I’m sorry, is there another Spectre on board? Is it totally insane to think the two of you were…doing some secret war business?”
Kaidan snickered again.
“John, is that what we’re calling this now?”
It was a losing battle, but Joker was an Alliance soldier, and he fought till the end.
“Look, nobody told me shit. I’m happy for you two, seriously, chase your bliss, but I’m not a mind-reader. How was I supposed to know this was a thing?”
This time, the silence was less exasperated and more shocked. “…you didn’t know?”
“No! How was I supposed to?”
“Jeff,” EDI said, sounding almost exasperated as Shepard had been a few minutes ago. “Even before the relationship was consummated, the emotional attachment was common knowledge.”
“I just assumed you knew!” Shep sputtered. “Because of the thing?”
“What thing?”
Kaidan cut in. “The thing, Joker. Before Ilos.”
…oh.
. . . . . . . . . .
“…and tell Shepard to meet me at Flux. We might still have a chance.”
Joker closed Anderson’s message and immediately tapped a few keys, looking for Shepard on the CV systems. Him and Kaidan were standing in the main battery, and they were - hugging.
It was sweet. They’d been through a lot, with Ash’s death. Joker almost hated to interrupt them. Almost.
“Sorry to interrupt, Commander. Got a message from Captain Anderson.”
Kaidan and Shep jerked apart like they’d been shocked, and Kaidan sheepishly rubbed the back of his neck. Talk about an overreaction.
“Are you spying on us, Joker?”
“…no, sir? Just figured I’d pass the message on.”
Shepard sounded…defensive. Like there was something he was embarrassed about.
Joker was actually kind of offended. What kind of macho asshole did the Commander take him for? Straight men were allowed to hug. It was healthy, especially after the trauma they’d just been through.
“Anderson said to meet him at Flux, that club down in the Wards. Joker out.”
God, Joker thought as he disconnected. Some people were so judgmental.