Work Text:
I wish you'd just go away!
Oikawa had said And thought this so many times when he'd met Kageyama. That was one hell of a year.
"Toru," Iwaizumi gently taps his back with cold hands. As Oikawa was laying on his stomach, he couldn't see his face but assumed he was probably frowning at him with worry. Oikawa just continues to stare at the wall. No words. Nothing to say. Head empty. Just him.
-----
"Oikawa."
"What?!" He was a rambunctious little teen. 15 and already had so much ahead of him, ready for him. All that stood in the way was Shiratorizawa. And his ego.
The couch sighs "I need you to listen to me and understand. Kageyama, the new first year, you know him well- I need you to help him out."
"Tch, excuse me?" Toru scoffed, putting his hands on his hips. Beside him,Hajime stood calmly with an unreadable expression on his face.
"Hold on a moment, okay? You know what autism is...correct?"
"Duh, I'm not stupid," Toru huffs. Iwaizumi subtly pinches the back of his arm.
"Well, Tobio has it. Or- a better way to put it is that he is Autistic. And for everything to run smoothly we need to provide a little bit of help for him. I decided to leave it in the hands of you two to make sure he did alright. It's nothing crazy, just calm him down if he gets overwhelmed or... you're smart kids, you'll figure it out, I'm sure."
Toru frowns. He rolls his eyes, turning on his heel, instantly jumping at the sight of a small figure standing at the door, peeking in shyly.
"Oh, Tobio," the coach stands up with a gentle smile.
The dark-haired male slowly moves to stand in full view, a volleyball held tightly in his hands.
He was so short then. I never expected he'd get so tall. So much had changed.
"er- I was just looking for Oikawa-senpai." His face is still a little chubby and eyes are round and curious. "Iwaizumi-senpai said you'd teach me how to set like you today," the younger boy teeters on his feet, rocking back and forth.
"I- he did?!" Oikawa snaps his head towards his teammate who just shrugs a little at him. He looks back at Kageyama, grumbling "Geez, would you sit still for Christ's sake?"
Tobio flinches, stiffening up. He looked terribly uncomfortable standing still.
The coach chuckles nervously, patting Toru on the back. "Go ahead and teach him. It won't kill you to be a decent senpai. Go on now, kids."
Oikawa scoffs again, storming out the door, pushing past Kageyama but the quick footsteps behind him tell him that he's being followed by the first-year anyway.
"Oikawa-senpai!" He squeaks, obviously expecting the help he'd asked for. Toru rolls his eyes, turning to him reluctantly. "What?"
"Are you going to help me or not?"
"Fine!" The brunette snatches the ball from Tobio's hands. He walks in several quick strides up to the net. He catches Akira and Kindaichi giving him a weird look. He shot a glare at them and they quickly looked away.
Toru sighs, looking down at the boy beside him. "Okay, listen. You can't touch the ball with your whole hands. You're not throwing it. You hold it like…" He puts a hand over the ball with his fingertips touching the surface. "Just like this. This way the ball bounces off really easy. You've seen me do it so let's try pepper, okay?" He meets his eyes.
Kageyama looks awed, fidgeting with his Hands. There's a little necklace around his neck, previously hidden beneath his shirt that he was currently chewing on. He nods. Toru scoffs, pulling on the thick black string of the necklace, pulling the charm out of Tobio's mouth. He wasn't a baby whose teeth were growing in. Slightly dejected, Kageyama takes a few steps back, lifting his hands up in preparation for the little training game.
Oikawa teased the ball and Kageyama sets it back. They go back and forth pretty easily without need to correct or adjust. Until Toru steps back and they keep having to take steps back and forth. He doesn't know why, but feels a temptation to mess with him. He takes a slight step back and shortens the set, forcing Tobio to rush forward and receive it instead. He manages, but falls to the ground. Oikawa catches the ball in his hands.
"...messed up," the younger male huffs in irritation, standing slowly, clearly upset with himself.
"You'll get it," Toru giggles. He couldn't help it. He wasn't used to someone who acted so babyish and insisted on following him like a lost puppy.
That was the beginning of a lot of mistakes.
He learned a lot about him. About the struggles he went through. And how he made them even worse.
"Toru, where are all these bruises coming from?!"
"Toru, why do the bracelets and necklaces keep going missing and broken?"
"Toru, why's he upset?"
"Toru!"
"I don't know!"
That was always my stupid answer.
"I don't know I don't know I don't know I don't know! I don't KNOW!"
"Iwaizumi?"
Hajime nervously rubs his arm "I didn't do anything, Sensei. Kageyama hits himself when he gets too overwhelmed. That's probably where the bruises are from but I stop him when I'm around. I don't know about-"
"I broke them," Oikawa interrupts.
"What?!" The coach snaps.
Toru leans back a bit "I broke... some of that chewy jewelry and stuff. I didn't mean to- at least- not every time! I pulled on them a bit because it was getting annoying because he'd be chewing on them while I was helping him! I'm sorry, okay?!"
"No you're not," Iwaizumi scoffs. He looks at the floor before turning away, walking slowly away from him and out the door.
"Well?" The coach crosses his arms expectantly.
"I hate him. I wish he'd go away."
I was 14 when I was diagnosed with C-ptsd. I was 15 when I was diagnosed with an anxiety disorder. It got worse. I think I was just stressing myself out and pinned it on Tobio without thinking about it. As far as I was concerned, my stress was all his fault and not the person who abused me.
Tobio was fidgety just being on the sidelines. By now Oikawa knew this behaviour as stimming. Repetitive movements calmed him down. At the moment he was rocking on his feet.
Toru was pissed. They pulled Akira off the court because he was limping and costing them points. And they were putting *him in instead.
Tobio was talented. He didn't need Oikawa's help but he wanted it because he looked up to him. They won with him.
But that wasn't always positive for someone overwhelmed by sound.
"See? I'm amazing," Oikawa boasts loudly while the crowd roared for them and his teammates cheered as well. Except one.
Kageyama had stumbled away from the rest of the team, holding fistfuls of his hair while his hands covered his ears. He was going into sensory overload, leading to him stomping his feet and starting to cry, his voice raised but still a little too low to be a scream. Oikawa tries to ignore it, but seeing Iwaizumi hurry over to him made guilt tug at his heart.
"Hey, let's go outside in the hall for a little bit?" Hajime is calm and gentle. So much better than him. Why were they both so much better than him?
Taking a deep breath, Oikawa breaks away from the group and approaches them. Iwaizumi makes a face at him.
"Get away, Toru. You never help-" He snaps at him, but Tobio moves to cling to his other Senpai. Oikawa doesn't care, he holds onto him, knowing that the pressure of being held would relax him faster. Tobio clings to him like a parasite. He didn't mind anymore. He didn't mind him anymore. He wishes he'd just go away. That feeling would never go away. Without him he could stop feeling like this. He could go back to how things were before.
Nothing would ever be the same. I know that now.
Every time Tobio asked him for something, every meltdown, every cry, every scream, every complaint, every repetitive, annoying action made his anger boil over.
"SHUT-" Oikawa raised his hand to the boy but Iwaizumi caught his wrist before he could come into contact with him. Tobio didn't look scared. He looked...confused. He wasn't scared of being hit, he was upset that Oikawa was mad at him.
"How…stupid." Toru growled, snatching his hand away. "Why are you looking at me like that?! I wish you'd go away, I hate you! You're so fucking stupid, why do you stick to me like some brainless parasite? Why won't you get the hint that I hate you and leave me alone?! God, just- die!" The brunette erupted.
"Senpai…"
"I'm not your stupid senpai you stupid useless autistic brat!"
The force Iwaizumi used to slap him made the sound radiate throughout the gym. He's completely and utterly stunned, eyes wide as he stares at his childhood friend in shock. "I-Iwa…"
"Toru…"
I remember screaming at the top of my lungs for at least an hour. When I found out. My mind wanted to believe something that wasn't true because accepting it was impossible.
"Hi, Oikawa!" Miwa smiled gently, leaning against the doorframe. "Somehow you look bigger every time I see you. You're in highschool now, right?"
"Uh, yeah, ahah-" Toru chuckles nervously, scratching the back of his neck, fiddling with the strap of his bag.
"Ah, well I'm about to head out, Tobio's upstairs, hasn't come down all day." Miwa says calmly, brushing her hair back and stepping aside. Toru nods "uh okay, but...what do you mean?"
"Ah, he's been in a little bit of a uh...state recently. I think not having you and Iwaizumi around fucked with him a little. He should be alright soon enough. Ah but anyway I'm running late, you can stay over if you like, just keep my baby bro out of trouble, okay?"
I'm so sorry,
"Oikawa?" Kageyama was sitting on the floor of his room when he came in unannounced. He looked a bit...distressed. The corner of his eyes were red and raw. Toru frowns, sitting down beside him. He reaches over, gently cupping his cheek. Almost instantly as if a reaction to touch, Tobio starts to cry, leaning towards him and laying his head in his lap.
"Hey, woah, What- what's going on? Is everything okay?"
"You were right!"
"I was right? Of course I am, but about what?" Oikawa raises an eyebrow, his hand resting gently on his back.
"I'm just a stupid brat…"
"Woah, where's this coming from?"
"I hate myself...I hate everything, I hate myself!" He cries. Oikawa grips tightly onto his shirt. Kageyama rolls onto his back, staring at him, cheeks stained with tears. Scars peeked out from beneath his sleeves. An arrow struck him in the chest.
"Tobio…" He took in a sharp breath "Are you...cutting yourself?"
There's no response.
"My god-"
"Everything is scary...way scarier than when I had you there. Everybody still hates me. I'm completely on my own at school...can't you at least tell them to leave me alone? P-Please…?" His voice cracked. Oikawa frowned.
This was his fault.
"When you said I was right, what did you…"
"I should just..go away…"
"Kageyama-"
Kageyama sits up, eyeing him "I never forget everything that you said to me, I never will. It's impossible. You told me every chance that you got. 'I hate you'...'i wish you'd go away'....'die'....yet I could never hate you, I don't know why. And here I am. Crying to you about my problems. and suddenly you like me." He pulls his knees close to his chest.
"I was jealous. I always have been. It took more time than it should've to realize how much pain I caused you. In such a short time… everything fell away."
Kageyama stays quiet. He taps the side of his leg, rhythmically. "...Can you get me something to eat from downstairs? Please?" He stands slowly, rubbing his eyes. Oikawa stands up as well. Tobio is still noticeably shorter. Regardless he agrees, stepping out of the room and heading back down the stairs.
I never should've walked away. I regret everything.
Oikawa decides to make up some sandwiches for the two of them. Of course he finds the silence weird. Every creak of the stairs beneath his bare feet, wearing only socks makes his heart race. He pushes the door open with his hip and finds the room empty. He isn't sure why, but he lets everything fall from his hands, the plates shattering to the floor.
His bag is open.
"...What did you do…?" he steps over the broken plates and wasted food across the hall, slamming his fist against the door he'd practically run into "Tobio! Tobio! Tobio-chan!" he calls, banging on the door. He can hear coughing from the other side. He fumbles with the door knob but it doesn't budge. He backs up, kicking the surface of the wooden door, but all it does is make his foot hurt. This time he tries his shoulder. The door moved a little. About three more tries and he's stumbling into the cold tile, nearly tripping over Kageyama. He was slumped against the wall, eyes unfocused. He was always pale but this was horrifying.
It was all a blur, honestly.
"Oikawa!"
"I-Iwa-chan?!"
Just like usual, Hajime slaps him. He's been crying already. He doesn't stay mad for long, though, shaking him by his shoulders. "THIS IS YOUR FAULT!"
"Iwa-chan, please-"
"You were right there! And now...a-and now he… he's dead, isn't he?"
Oikawa takes a deep breath "I don't know, they haven't told me anything. I feel like... this is my fault. For how I've treated him for so long. I wanted...this isn't what I wanted, Iwaizumi…"
"You always said you wanted him to go away... congratulations, now he might be gone, are you happy? Are you fucking happy?"
"It was...an accident. It wasn't supposed to happen like this! When I said that I was...I wasn't thinking he would just...leave! I didn't think...I never thought...oh good God. Oh my fucking god."
I'm sorry…
"it's okay, Oikawa... it's okay…"
Oikawa's eyes flutter open in surprise as he jolts awake in a cold sweat, sitting up quickly, heart racing a mile a minute.
"Oikawa?"
He turns his head quickly, blinking in pure confusion. He's staring into deep, dark blue eyes filled with worry.
"God, what?" Toru pinches the bridge of his nose, taking a deep breath.
"Were you thinking about it again? You were having a nightmare," Tobio traces his finger up and down the muscles on his arm.
"It's been years and I can't forget it…" Oikawa mumbles beneath his breath. Tobio smiles sympathetically, leaning against Toru's shoulder. "I know...the world is too small for people like us. His accident wasn't your fault. Nobody was expecting me to do what I did that night. If it's anyone's fault it's mine that he was driving in such a panic. My sister told me what happened when she came to you in the hospital. The way she screamed at you…"
"I was...delirious after seeing you passed out in the floor…every time it comes to mind I think…"
I forget that it wasn't him.It wasn't supposed to be like this...