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Junpei isn’t completely sure why he agreed to do this .
‘This’ being to go see a movie with Itadori Yuuji. The idea wasn’t even his, it was more of a request fumbled into his lap. He kicks at the sidewalk while he walks; it’s only half a lie if he said he wasn’t interested at all. Only half. Because it’s not every day (or ever) that someone wants to do anything with him, let alone do something he truly cares about. To be wanted in company is a new feeling that he will shamefully indulge, because he should be allowed this simple teenhood pleasure- this normality. A happiness like this… he deserves this too, even if it’s a pathetic desperate attempt.
Junpei bites his bottom lip and shakes his head as thoughts of Mahito’s possible reaction fill in, like doing so will banish them from his mind. It’s futile but he can at least keep them at bay as he continues to walk; only focusing on them again when he’s slipped up and spaced out.
The walk to the station isn’t long from his house and on any other day he would be relieved but the familiar sight of pink hair has him wishing the sidewalk would suddenly stretch down the road longer to delay his arrival and the inevitable reality of spending time with someone. Something that suddenly comes flooding into him once he steps foot into the station. This time questions fill his head: Would he know the right words to say? How do you keep a conversation going? How do you make things fun? How do you get people to like you? How do you be yourself? Would he forget how to function like a regular person? Is it obvious to someone when you have no idea what you’re doing?
There’s sweat gathering at the back of his neck when he steps up to the bench Yuuji is sitting at, idly checking his phone and too engrossed to see Junpei awkwardly standing in front of him. With only one way he can muster to get his attention, Junpei clears his throat and is immediately rewarded with Yuuji’s full gaze on him. Which leaves him even more nervous.
“Ah! You’re here!” Yuuji is stuffing his phone back into his pocket and excitedly standing up so they’re truly face to face. “I thought maybe I scared you off.” He says the last part with a quiet laugh that feels airy and relieved.
Junpei manages to relax when he hears it, letting out a laugh of his own but choppier, “I made a promise and I have to see it through.”
“Well I hope it’s not just that and you want to hang out with me too.” He’s teasing, it’s obvious, but it still manages to make him fluster and fumble with a reply.
“I- uh… yeah I did. Want to hang out with you. Yeah.” Junpei prays it comes out more friendly and less robotic than it sounds to him and thankfully it does because Yuuji is grinning, seemingly pleased at the response.
Then he’s grabbing at his wrist to lead them further into the station. “Let’s head out before we miss anything.” On instinct Junpei almost recoils from the contact but he stops, even if it’s new he can’t deny the warmth of a simple touch.
It doesn’t take long to walk to the movie theater, or maybe it does and Junpei was just too much in a daze to count the cracks in the sidewalk or how many streetlights he passes before making his destination like he usually does. The way a touch can have him so tilted off his usual axis is concerning and he should snap out of it but Yuuji is already handing him the ticket he’d paid for, without saying anything, and all concerns melt away; because when Junpei tries to protest Yuuji shakes his head and promptly says it’s what friends do. And hearing the word ‘friends’ out loud and referring to him, Junpei , is like rain falling in the night of a desert, like roots bursting from their seeds and taking form. It feels like a beginning.
“Then I’ll buy the snacks.”
There’s a pause then a nod, “You can’t enjoy a movie without the classic popcorn and soda combo.”
“Absolutely.” Junpei rolls his eyes playfully, and agrees simply. Yuuji responds with a hum and they leave to order food. With their hands full they walk down the halls, attempting to point at the advertisement posters for upcoming movies and sharing any mutual excitement.
In the theater they sit side by side, their elbows brushing every now and then. No one else is sitting immediately around them and it feels almost intimate, though if he dwelled on that for any longer Junpei might short circuit. For now all he can do is focus on the many trailers that have started to play, praying he comes off cool and collected and not the mess he usually is.
☆ ☆
Yuuji presses against him during a particularly tense moment in the movie and Junpei jerks out of surprise. His cheeks flush when Yuuji tugs at his sleeve to keep him in the seat, and maybe apologize for startling him. Junpei glances to his side and Yuuji is already mouthing “sorry”, having been waiting for the moment he looked over. All he can do is offer a weary half smile but Yuuji takes it in kind and turns back to the movie, completely immersed again. Though unfortunately it takes longer for Junpei to focus on the scenes playing out in front of him. The phantom touch still lingering on his arm, the feeling similar to the low burning of an ember.
Thankfully the rest of the movie goes without any further distractions, until Yuuji’s devastation when they run out of popcorn, which makes them both laugh so loud someone seated higher up has to ‘shush’ them. But they continue laughing, this time quietly curled into each other. The heat of the glare from behind bores into their skulls until the credits finally roll. And immediately Yuuji pulls his arm and they’re rushing out the exit in another fit of giggles. The stranger out of sight and mind.
Even if somehow they had been caught it’s not like Junpei would have a care, not when he’s smiling so widely his cheeks ache in the best way.
Eventually Yuuji finally stops their escape some blocks from the theater and they’re both breathing heavily with hands on their knees. When Yuuji lifts his head he still has leftover laughs. “Sorry for being trouble.”
“It’s okay as long as it’s always this fun.” Junpei says immediately and to his own surprise. He flushes when he’s rewarded another beaming smile.
Before he can say anything back, Yuuji’s phone begins ringing (his ringtone is a catchy idol group song that somehow suits him). It looks as if he was planning to ignore the call until seeing the caller id and he gives Junpei an apologetic glance.
“Sorry, I need to take this.” He says before answering and walking to the side.
From the stern voice over the phone to the way Yuuji furrows his brows and reassures whoever is on the other end, Junpei automatically assumes they don’t like him. That makes him shift uncomfortably. He doesn’t want to think about all the people who hate him.
But he does anyway, his mind slowly drifting and losing focus off Yuuji's voice. Does Yuuji hate him too? If not now will he eventually hate him like everyone else? Junpei’s throat constricts and he curls into himself as if doing so will make him disappear. Maybe this whole venture was a bad idea and Junpei is stupid for even entertaining the idea of staying together longer.
“Junpei?” Yuuji’s voice calls out to him in his haze, it’s light and blends into the wind; though his hand on Junpei’s knee is weighted, not like an anchor pulling him under, but enough to stay afloat. It’s enough to remind him to breathe. Again and again and again like a steady sea.
“You good?”
He is now, so he nods. Except there’s something still itching under Junpei’s skin, a question that wants to be asked. “Your boss doesn’t like me much, huh?” A gulp of saliva down his throat and a nervous laugh, all attempts to be casual.
Yuuji is looking at him very visibly confused, like the question presented before him is the strangest thing he’s ever heard. Whether that makes Junpei relieved or feel worse is undecided because he gets an answer soon after.
“Huh? Who? Nanamin?” He pauses briefly to contemplate, “It’s not that he doesn’t like you, he's just cautious of people. You know, like a responsible serious adult.” Something funny must have come to him because Yuuji starts to laugh loudly.
“Actually, I think he’d like you if he got the chance to meet you. You’re really something when you open up Junpei. Especially when you smile!”
“That can’t be true.” Junpei is looking directly at him. His self-doubt is so overwhelming, refusing Yuuji’s words vehemently, and they feel like waves crashing into him.
“I know it is.” Yuuji just gives Junpei a look- a small simple smile and an expression in his eyes that’s indecipherable. But it feels like ten thousand things permeating into his very being at once. The feeling leaves him speechless even as Yuuji starts to walk towards the park, hands lazily in his pockets.
There’s no more fight left in Junpei’s body. All he can do is accept those words. And he rises to catch up, slowing down to walk right next to him.
“Okay.”
Soft and more to the wind and sky, his acceptance- his tangible, hopeful trust. It’s enough right now.
They walk together in content silence. The park isn’t that far and it’s empty when they get there. Once they turn the corner Yuuji immediately tugs on Junpei’s wrist and drags him to the swings. His smile is stretched out and Junpei can’t help but try to match it, failing to do so but he still gets a hearty chuckle. Instead of settling into a swing for himself, Yuuji stands behind and braces his hands on Junpei’s back, to which he immediately tries to protest. But Yuuji ignores him and gives a light push. At first Junpei isn’t ready and almost falls out of the swing though the second time he accepts his fate and holds on tightly to the chains, letting himself be pushed (and enjoying it just a little bit). The hands on his back are firm and warm but above all they manage to stay careful, they feel almost gentle. Every time he has to swing back into them he relishes in the touch, even if it’s only for a second.
“You know, we didn’t get to talk about the movie.” Yuuji says simply. “I want to know your thoughts.”
Honestly, most of the movie’s plot has escaped him and he’s not sure if that’s because he hated it or something (or someone) occupied most of his brainscape. Regardless of his opinion there’s no reason for him to lie. “I’m.. not sure how i felt about it.”
Yuuji’s mildly surprised face makes him laugh nervously and his balance fumbles again as he tries to clarify. “I didn’t hate it! But I can’t say I really enjoyed it either.”
“Really?” Yuuji purses his lips. “I thought you might’ve liked it but then again it wasn’t very slasher gore or traditional horror.” Junpei nods in agreement as he continues to talk.
“I don’t think I really got what it was about but I hated how that guy was using the main character, I know that for sure.”
That piques Junpei’s curiosity. “Oh? I didn’t like him either. But…” His body feels heavy when he recalls the interaction between those two characters, something inside screams at the familiarity but cannot break through. “But he made sense and he knew how to trick him.”
The pushing stops and the hands at his back remain there but when he looks behind him Yuuji is frowning and his brows are furrowed so tightly. There’s a seriousness to his reaction like something personal is at stake. Maybe it’s not actually anything personal and he just read too much into it. (The internal screaming from earlier is desperately trying to be heard).
Yuuji’s voice is melancholy when he speaks again, “I just wish he could have seen how much of a dick that guy was. He deserved a happy ending.”
Junpei is staring at the frown on his face. For the couple of days they’ve known each other he’s only ever seen Yuuji smile- whether it was a big toothy grin or a soft upturn at the corners of his mouth- but never a frown as sad as now. It feels weird, wrong even. At the same time he feels so human , so much depth to him now. Is it okay for Junpei to want to reach inside and open up parts of himself in return? To let someone see the depth within? He doesn’t know the answer. Hell, he might not ever get one. But it doesn’t stop him from wondering.
Though moments have gone by since Yuuji spoke he still wants to say something. Because it feels right and he doesn’t need to be told so.
“I wanted him to be happy too.”
That seems to release him from whatever came over- wherever his mind wandered off - and Yuuji presses his palms against his back. Fingers sprawl across shoulder blades, soft and omnipresent, lingering longer than usual before sliding up to rest on his shoulder.
“Oh.. the sunset.” Yuuji is pointing at the sky and Junpei is only mildly aware of how close they are as he looks up.
It’s not the beginning but they’ve caught it in time to see the colors slowly fade into night. Junpei admires the scene, taking in every color, every swirl, every barely visible star that he can pinpoint. Usually he doesn't have the leisure to watch the sunset and really appreciate the moment. Such moments are lost on him- and he takes this one in his hands and cradles it before it can suddenly disappear; before the inevitable devastation that seems to find him. Right now, on this swing, his back is leaning against Yuuji’s stomach and he can hear his soft humming; there’s a hand settled on his shoulder and despite the heavy pressure Junpei wouldn’t ask for it to move- all these little things feel like home. And at home he is a bit braver, a bit more open, a bit more himself. So he points towards a rosy patch of sky and says, “The pink here kind of looks like your hair.”
He can feel Yuuji laugh before he can hear it, the vibrations reverberating on his back. “You think so?” His face is flushed pink when he asks, laughs still peppered in between words. He looks like a sunset. Junpei smiles and nods wholeheartedly. His response back is a nudge on the shoulder that also lingers a little too long when Yuuji finally moves from behind.
“It’s late. We should head back.”
And they do. But Junpei takes one last glance at the swingset before it’s completely out of sight. Left behind are the faint traces of something he can’t put together. Though he cherishes it nonetheless.
On the train ride back Junpei leans into Yuuji again, drained but content. This time Yuuji leans in too, resting their heads atop each other and Junpei counts the buildings outside the window till his eyes flutter shut. He’s never felt more comfortable on the train than now.
Home feels like this train ride too.
Home also feels like the way Yuuji walks him all the way to the front door of his house. It’s the way his mom rushes out to suffocate them both with a hug. It’s the way Yuuji hugs back just as tight. Home even feels like Yuuji looking over his shoulder one more time when he’s already halfway down the block to wave goodbye again- because Junpei couldn’t leave until he saw his figure disappear down the concrete of the street.
Home seems to disappear with it.
☆ ☆
It’s dark outside now and the day is ending. Junpei is resting his arm on the window sill, leaning into his palm and gazing outside. He sees small stars far off in the night sky, most of them hidden from the city. But still, even in these little moments, small and sparse like these stars, he can sit and feel something akin to peace.
If just for a moment his mind can wander without hurting him.
And immediately he thinks that Yuuji’s eyes shine like these same stars. This train of thought makes Junpei grimace a bit. They may have spent the day together but that doesn’t mean he needs to keep thinking about him, especially if he’s supposed to be cautious. Yet the thought is still present in his brain, and it’s not like it’s far-fetched. Yuuji’s eyes glittered on two occasions: when they talked about movies for the first time; and when Junpei actually agreed to take him to the cinema. He wonders, then, if maybe his eyes lit up too, if they looked like they could hold entire galaxies in them like Yuuji’s- because he was happy too. It’s the first time Junpei admits this but he felt it today… and the night before. The jokes, the laughs, the heated discussions, the looks, and the shared smiles. Even if they just met he felt the same peace around Yuuji.
“Humans have soul, but they do not have ‘heart’.”
Mahito’s words ring all too loudly in his head. They crash around and scatter his thoughts from before. Junpei backs away from the window and instead moves to lay down.
“Heartless…” he mumbles to the ceiling, to nothing really.
Mahito’s words make sense to him, they explain why those terrible things happened to him, they put words to his turmoil. He trusts them. And yet….
“You’re really something when you open up a little, Junpei. Especially when you smile.”
His heart twists into a knot when he hears Yuuji’s voice in his head, overlapping over the endless record of Mahito’s philosophy.
Junpei grips his shirt, fist balled up over the heart, knotted just like he is inside. He wonders again, for the briefest minute, over the possibility of Mahito being wrong. The knot coils some more. And as Junpei finds himself worn out and drifts into sleep Mahito’s words continue to echo in his head, like an instrument trying to drown out unnecessary noise.
Yuuji’s voice is quiet and far away in his ears and head but they reach Junpei much deeper, straight to the knot in his chest, in a way he doesn’t know how to understand.
The distant sensation of uncoiling lull him to sleep like a lullaby that plays in the background. Always comforting and safe.