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His hand lingers in the air for a moment too long before he finally finds the courage and pulls the door shut. Quietly, careful not to disturb Taekyung, who is currently resting on the bedroll. Even in his sleep, Taekyung is so honest, so sweet, that all he longs to do is wrap his arms around him, pull him into a sweet embrace, show him how much he means to him, but no, he doesn’t deserve it.
He has, no, is always hurting Taekyung, pushing him aside, because he is so messed up on the inside, scared of what others think. Oh, he knows it’s foolish to worry about these things, but there’s a part of him that constantly seeks validation, that is afraid of letting anyone in, and getting hurt in the process.
And ShinWoo, well, he is so much better than Daon in every possible way. He has never hurt Taekyung, never made him cry, never shoved him aside to stop all the gossiping, and most important of all, he genuinely cares and loves Taekyung in a way that Daon can never. Isn’t able to do right now at this point of his life.
This is for the best, he keeps on repeating the mantra in his head. But if it is, why does his heart aches every time he sees them — Taekyung and ShinWoo — together. Why does he long to be the one to drop small kisses on Taekyung’s forehead, or just to hold his hands, or just to see him smile so brightly and blindly as if everything is all rainbow and sunshine.
Daon knows he has lost that privilege. After he is the one who has chosen to walk away all because he’s such a coward, a frightened little boy, who is afraid of opening himself to something so wonderful and oh, so pure. And now he has lost that chance forever. Taekyung has moved on. He has found someone better, someone more well-suited for him, someone who treats him right, and doesn’t treat him as if he is just another person in the room.
Wiping the tears off his face, Daon turns away, ready to walk away, when he is stopped by a gentle yet honest voice.
“Daon, is that you?” Taekyung says, sleepily rubbing his eyes. “Why are you here? Is something wrong?”
“Ah, no, not at all.” He forces himself to smile. He promises to always be honest with Taekyung but that’s not always something that can be done that easily. And he knows if he tells Taekyung what’s on his mind, he will only worry him, and he doesn’t want to be a burden, doesn’t want to spoil what Taekyung has with ShinWoo.
“Hmm… okay,” Taekyung lets out. “You don’t have to lie to me.”
Daon lets out a dry chuckle. “I am not,” he reassures him but even to him, his words fall flat. “I promise.”
Taekyung gives him a look over and just nods. Daon can see it in his eyes that he doesn’t believe him, but he also knows that even as blunt and honest as Taekyung, he won’t push Daon for an answer if he doesn’t want to give one.
That’s another thing that Daon truly admires about Taekyung. He is such a genuinely nice person, a different kind of nice than ShinWoo, and certainly not the faux niceness that Daon puts on. He is just such a pure-hearted and wonderful person, a little bit naive in some ways, but all around, a lovely person. And that’s one of the reasons Daon fell for him. He’s so radiant, so beautiful, so generous.
He doesn’t even notice that he has started crying again until he feels a gentle hand on his tear-soaked cheeks.
“Daon,” Taekyung says, voice toneless as always, but Daon can hear the softness, the gentleness, and it just… that voice doesn’t belong to him. Taekyung isn’t his and it hurts. He is ShinWoo and — he hiccups — he is happy for them. Taekyung deserves someone as caring and good as ShinWoo.
“I’m sorry,” he finally says when he gets better control of his emotions. “Please go back to bed. I’ll take my leave now.”
“Daon, don’t go—” Taekyung looks at him, eyes wide and pleading, but no, Daon can’t stay. His heart can’t take it. Taekyung doesn’t understand how hard it is to be around him now. He isn’t that strong of a person to just exist around their love, though he tries, he tries so hard, but every waking second he spends in Taekyung’s company, his heart breaks little by little till there is nothing but only a small fragment left.
“I’m sorry. I have to go.” He loosens the grip that Taekyung has on him and like a coward, he turns his back, and walks away, as his whole world breaks apart in front of him.
What he fails to hear was Taekyung’s quiet whispering, “I still love you. You’ll always have a part in my heart even if we weren’t meant to be.”
Taekyung closes the door behind and goes back to his bed, his “partner” already up, snacking on something as usual. He wonders if he should have went after Daon, but whatever is bothering Daon, he isn’t ready to talk about it yet. And the last thing Taekyung wants is to force him to talk about things he isn’t ready to share with Taekyung, or anyone for that matter.
He sighs and focuses all his attention to his partner. As much as he hates seeing Daon or any of his friends in pain, there isn’t much he can do if that person isn’t willing to talk, and only wants to bury their issues.
“You can’t have any!” ShiWoon says, clutching on his snacks closed to his heart. “You said you didn’t want any!”
“I didn’t—”
“Okay, you can have this one.” He passes a bag of Cheetos to Taekyung who awkwardly accepts it. “Okay, you can have them all, because I’m such an amazing and generous lover,” he says, wrapping his hands around Taekyung’s waist, his face pressed between the crook of his neck.
“You are not.” Taekyung rolls his eyes.
“How can you say that? I’m hurt!” He pouts. “I’m going to leave you and be with some hot beautiful girl. Hmm, imagine all the pretty girls waiting for a dating magnet like me.”
“You are allowed to do so.”
ShiWoon opens his mouth and snaps it closed just like that. “How can you say something like that to your most handsomest boyfriend in the entire world?” He fake cries. “I’m very hurt. You owe me a thousand little kisses to make up for hurting my feelings.” He points to his cheeks. “And I wouldn’t expect anything else.”
“I don’t.”
“Oh, how about just one then?”
“No,” Taekyung says after thinking about it. “But this, I can do.” He pulls ShiWoon’s face closer to his and gradually closes the gap between their lips. It is a simple kiss, nothing passionate or exciting, but it is enough for both of them.
“Hmm… I know you couldn’t resist me,” ShiWoon says against his lips. “Is everything alright? I heard Daon…. Are you ashamed of being with me? Would you have preferred to be with Daon or ShinWoo…” he trails off at the end. “Forget I said anything.” He removes himself from Taekyung’s embrace and turns his back away.
“No. Why would you think that?”
“Oh, it’s nothing. I’m just being silly.” ShiWoon laughs a little. “You know, even the most handsomest man in the world can be—”
“You truly think I’m ashamed of being with you?”
“No, I said—”
“I am not. Did I say something or do anything to make you think otherwise?”
“I—“ Slowly, ShiWoon turns around to face Taekyung. “It’s just that you never… it’s silly. Can we forget this discussion?”
“No. You never told me this before. I want to know.”
ShiWoon sighs. “It’s just that you…. sometimes I think you don’t want anyone to know we are together. You never corrected anyone when they assume you’re dating ShinWoo, including Daon, and sometimes I think you don’t want me. I’m being too much.” He laughs. “Forget it.”
“No, if you truly feel this way, I’m sorry. I didn’t know I was doing that. I’m not ashamed of being with you. I don’t know how to express myself and I never confirmed that I was dating ShinWoo. I am not dating ShinWoo. I am dating you, ShiWoon. I don’t love ShinWoo. I love you, ShiWoon.”
“I know. I’m just… you still love Daon though and…” he whispers the last part.
“Not like that. Yes, I’ll always love Daon. He was the first person I genuinely cared for, but he was never my first love. Not really. You are.”
“Hey, let us not talk about this anymore, okay?” ShiWoon laughs a little. “Have you tried this one yet?” He points to a new snack. “It’s so good. So yummy! I think I’m in love.”
“ShiWoon,” he stresses, “why hadn’t you brought up any of this before? We have been together for a year now.”
“I didn’t want to bother you. You were still half-in-love with Daon when we got together.” He smiles a little, a small smile that doesn’t quite reach his eyes. “And even though, you never said you were dating ShinWoo, you never told anyone we are dating either. None of our friends know we are together.”
“I never realized any of that before. I’m sorry.” He takes ShiWoon’s hands in his, awkwardly rubbing soothing circles. “I will tell our friends tomorrow. I never meant to keep our relationship hidden. I’m not ashamed of being with you. You make me happy. You make me laugh. You make me feel loved. With you, I feel like I can be myself without worrying about anything else. With Daon, I didn’t have that. I was always worrying that I could never measure up to his positivity, his brightness. With ShinWoo, I always felt like I was always hurting him whether that is intentionally or not.”
“I…” ShiWoon swallows thickly. “…”
“You don’t have to say anything, ShiWoon.”
“No, I do. I love you, Taekyung. So much that it scares me sometimes. And I know I’m not your first choice, but I am so glad I get the chance to share this special relationship, or whatever you want to call it, with you. Thank you for giving me the chance to love you and be loved back in return.”
Taekyung smiles. “I should be the one thanking you.”
ShiWoon returns his smile. “I love you, more than my precious snacks, even more than all the pretty girls in the world. None of them are as pretty as you.”
Taekyung rolls his eyes.
“It’s true! You’re the prettiest one out of all of them! And I’m a dating magnet so I should know.”
Once more, Taekyung rolls his eyes, and pulls ShiWoon in for another kiss, this one, with a little bit more passion, and a lot more intoxicated than before.
ShiWoon isn’t wrong. A part of him still loves Daon, and to some extend, even ShinWoo, but not in a romantic way like ShiWoon thinks. It’s a different kind of affection that he holds for both those boys. But his heart belongs to ShiWoon and that will never change. Not now, not ever.