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“ 'You okay?” Rick's voice shatters the silence weighing you down.
You look up at him and see the concern in his eyes.
“ I'm...just tired." you shrug, trying to sound not too dramatic.
He seems to wait for you to open up about it further, but you are really not in the mood to talk - and it's not that you couldn't talk about it to him, because you know you can trust him and you do trust him..
" I think I reached far my limits” you put it shortly while glancing back to the horizon.
Rick sits down next to you then, and you start to feel a little uncomfortable having him this close, alone with his full attention.
“ YN, what happened today.. “ he says slowly “was not your fault”
you sigh deeply
“ I don’t know... "
(you feel both slightly frustrated and relieved that he didn't leave you despite your murky aura)
"It was a close call, too close. I..I don't know what's gotten into me, Rick.. - you murmur frustrated - if you wouldn’t have come.. “ your voice cracks
“ But I did " - he says firmly, - "and you did what you could. “
“ It wouldn’t have been enough, you know that" - you whisper bitterly despite his steadiness. - " I .. am not strong enough, Rick " - you add mumbling, closing your eyes (as to saying this out loud would pain you too much) . - " And lately, I feel I got even weaker like I’d fade away slowly... God knows how I’m still here."
“ You are stronger than you think you are " he says, grabbing your shoulder reassuringly " you have a strong heart. “
“ But for what? “ you smile sadly, surprised at your honesty to him (- dismissing the first part of his sentence) .
Rick tilts his head and frowns so hard it draws deep lines between his eyebrows.
“ Hey!" - he says as he gently lifts your chin to make you look up at him - " I get that you..struggle. these are tough times for everyone, so I imagine it might be even a little tougher for you.." - he says comfortingly. - "But.. I see you. I notice how you still .. appreciate little things others already gotten used to, and you still care enough to try to be kind to everyone, despite how you struggle. And even though how our life is now, you still.. didn't lose that connection to your humanity, maybe..to something more too. This is your strength. ”
“Thanks, Rick. it is.. nice of you to talk about me this way “ you reply, fidgeting with your sleeve " But what does it matter if I'm like that.. when in the end it's still pointless?! here it is, I mean. This life is soo demanding and I... I feel I just can't keep up. I don't see where I could fit in..”
He nods.
“ You are undersellin' yourself, that's what it is”
“ Rick " - you sigh, thinking he simply just says this because he sees the best in you ( for some reason?!), but... you don't feel your best, not even close, for a while now.
“ You do, YN ” - he looks at you seriously - “ Who says killing walkers are more important than..than givin' kindness and warm smiles to a child who has to live in such a cruel world?! " - he exclaims. - " Everybody has different assets, but, even if you feel like you can't contribute enough, you being here counts a lot. I know it sounds.. corny, but believe me: just you... being you is enough .“
You look at him puzzled and your eyes water a little, feeling the heartfelt honesty behind his words.
“ You know, when I see you playin' with Judith or enthusiastically watching a strange-looking cloud.." he continues with a half-smile as he would remember a memory, " I think to myself: we are still humans after all. After all that we've been through, maybe we can still come back. because you could, because you did. even though you might struggle a lot, you keep coming back, every damn time ” - he says, emphasizing the last words.
You wiggle your shoulders a bit shyly, his words finally getting to you.
" I guess, I kinda do.. " you declare quietly.
For a moment you actually feel a bit lighter, remembering how many times you recollected yourself from the ground! but
it's called basic surviving, everyone does that. and being a decent person is nothing special, Rick is just being nice a - voice in your head "kindly" notes,
and in a flip second, the trembling dark creature in you crawls back around you again, and soon just like grey clouds would come to cover the sunlight, your mood switches back to despair...
yes. this is just surviving, everyone does it so why is this so hard for me?! I don't know how long I can live like this you think to yourself getting anxious and without thinking you find yourself talking again:
" and it means much that..you think of me this way - you say with a strained voice, feeling your throat getting tight.
" But? "
" I... I'm not sure how long I can keep coming back. I'm getting tired more easily Rick.. I.. ”.
Abruptly his right hand comes up to your face, holding onto you gently
and you feel like you'd be pulled up from the depth. Now a different kind of emotion floods you, as you look up at him again.
His eyes are full of mixed feelings like he couldn't decide what to feel.. but then, he looks at you as if he would be pleading with you
Please, don’t give up!
(like he'd think he doesn't have the right to say it out loud..)
You feel out of your body as his fingers still lay on your skin and his thumb caresses abruptly your cheek.
He is so close that for a second you feel lost in the crystal-clear blueness of his eyes
and goosebumps run down your skin, like wildfire
Time seems to stop...
but the moment is gone soon
like snapping out of a trance, Rick blinks a few and clears his throat - his hand falling to rest on his lap.
You feel unsure as to what's going on, the intimacy between you lingers in the air and the reality of it overwhelms you.
Rick looks away, and from his expression, it seems like he would contemplate something..
He bites his lip, slightly furrowing his brows while staring at the sky for a moment
and you unconsciously hold your breath, waiting for what is to come.
“You know" - he speaks again finally - "you bein' you even helps me..”
You squint your eyes in disbelief and confusion.
The corner of his lips turns up a little seeing your grimace and he looks at you almost with infatuation?!? (or you just imagined it, yeah probably)
“When I come back from a hunt.. feeling empty and wasted.. " - he starts to explain while looking down at his hands - "and then you appear in the door... just seein' your face makes me feel better” he finishes looking up again, gazing at you.
You feel your cheeks heat.
“ W-what.. why?" - it bursts out of you a bit too exaggerated, and you immediately avert your eyes, suddenly feeling too self-conscious...
because he looks at you in a way that it makes hard to think clearly and even harder to breathe.
When he doesn't reply, your heart starts pounding so strongly as it would want to jump out from your chest - you are unable to process what does it indicate..
You hurriedly put your focus on an almost invisible dirt patch on your jeans and start to rub it vigorously.
“ .. Because.." - you try to quickly make up something..logical, - " because you know that means Judith is asleep? and thank God! you don't have to..to.. "
Rick bows his head a little with a sigh.
" Please don't play dumb with me, YN " he says with quiet seriousness.
Now your heart is in your throat and you start to feel even more disoriented.
"I... I don't. it's just.. " - you struggle to find words as your embarrassment grows.You take a few deep breaths to steady yourself. " It seems kinda...surreal, you know. There are so many .. others." - you laugh awkwardly. (cooler, prettier the voice from earlier adds in your head) - " why would you..? “ you bite your lips shyly.
Rick cautiously reaches out and smooths a lock of hair from your face to behind your ear, and you freeze for a second.
At that moment you realize how his eyes shine at you as you would truly mean something to him.
“ It's simple " - he looks deep into your eyes then - " because it is you YN. - he says tenderly - "because you are you " - he adds with a soft smile. " And I .." - he seems to stop himself for a second - " I'm not sayin' that your burden should fall away because I like you... I just want you to know that you do matter, and I'm here for you, always and-”
but you can't concentrate on his words anymore, not after 'I like you' keeps flashing in your mind like a big freaking neon sign!!
and you don't let him finish,
in a quick movement, you lean forward to give him a kiss on his cheek ,which accidentally ends right beside his mouth - feeling a bit awkward because of nervousness, but still linger for a second...
before you pull back, just as quickly
geez why-the-hell did I just do that?!
"s-sorry. I ... " you mumble as you come back to your sense.
Shyly you glance up at him from under your eyelashes
and
after a visible slight shock on his face
he smiles a (rare) wide-open smile
still
some sudden fear rushes through you then
What if you misread the whole thing and he didn't mean he likes you that way?!
What if he smiles like this because he wants to mock you for thinking...
but, before your thoughts could spiral into oblivion
you notice his sky-blue eyes glisten and then
he closes the distance between you, stopping just a little to look at you with a question in his eyes and as you nod, his lips claim yours
slowly, tenderly - not because he thinks you are too fragile but you pull out that part of him from deep within which is (still) warm, kind and gentle...
“ If you could see yourself with my eyes" - he whispers, only inches away from your face - " you'd know that you are so much more than you see yourself , and that you do have a place in this world, no matter what.”
But, like he would know how you are, see it in your eyes,
he doesn't say anything more, knowing far too well how the feelings of insecurity and self-doubt work..
He just looks at you then, really looks, like he would try to stare into the depth of your heart to reach it and speak with it instead
to burn the truth of his words into your very soul.
And you feel truly and completely validated and accepted and loved
- though you know you need these from yourself first and foremost, you are not there yet.. so till then, you decide you'll let yourself be anchored in his confidence about you, as a stake supports a plant when every once in a while, it develops a weak stem or gets toppled by strong winds.
***
You sit there together for a while after, watching the night sky silently,
your head on his shoulder and his hand around yours
( you half-consciously note how you feel almost steady, almost weightless
like the overwhelm and shattering feelings tiring you would dissolve somewhat by these serene moments ..)
Maybe there is still hope after all in this rotten world
- if love can bloom
life can bloom (too)...
and conquer over death!
perhaps, someday, you may feel more alive
and truly yourself again
as a phoenix rises from its ashes.