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It’s cathartic, April thinks, confiding in other people.
Of course, she had already mildly discovered that when her and Sterling were together briefly, but coming out to Hannah B. and being honest with Blair? It all culminates in an intense feeling of release within her. Perhaps it’s the opposite end of the spectrum from compartmentalization, April considers now as she stands looking into the mirror above the sink, in a bathroom she’s run into to scream and cry countless times before. But April’s not crying now. Now she stares at her reflection, an almost unnatural aura of peace around her. She notes the smoothness of her skin, the brightness of her eyes.
April smiles, if only softly.
It’s an odd feeling. Nothing is right but she’s not alone – that’s what Blair told her the other day, that’s how Hannah B. makes her feel. It’s truly not much at all but it’s something, and April has been trying to name this sensation it has provided ever since.
Whatever it is, it gives April the energy to face herself, to be vulnerable in front of her friends, to admit to herself that she needed nothing more than to be seen; to not feel alone. It gives her the strength to take a deep breath and walk through the Willingham hallways to Ellen’s office. And when she opens the door to find that this meeting Ellen has requested her for is apparently only between herself, Ellen, and Sterling, April has the strength to not allow her gaze to linger.
Ellen’s insisting on the two taking the reigns on the planning of the lock-in that’s quickly approaching, but the mention of the event alone has April distracted by the much too fast passage of time. It’s really already been around a year since her and Sterling stood too much like this last. April’s too busy reflecting to catch what Ellen quips and suddenly the woman’s out the door and gone, a key ring highlighted by a small rubix cube staring up at the two girls from its place in the centre of Ellen’s desk.
April and Sterling stand, shifting uncomfortably under the gaze of the multicolored puzzle, alone in this damn office again.
April takes a deep breath, pushing down any urge she has to start something that she’s not prepared to witness an end to, and heads for the door.
“April?” Sterling’s voice stops her. And it must have taken all the strength April had just to try to leave once because now she’s frozen in place; she can’t even reach for the door handle, the shiny metal winking at her in the glimmer of the sunlight as if it too knows her secret. April supposes it does as her eyes flicker between it and the lock beneath.
“I just wanted to say,” Sterling’s voice draws April from her staring contest with the gold. “Just... not everything is as good as it seems.” That really gets April’s attention, her body turning to face Sterling properly. Sterling won’t make eye contact though, instead looking down at her fingers that fidget together. “And I miss you...” Her voice is becoming quieter and April feels the muscles in her chest tighten, breathing suddenly a monumentally difficult task. Her heart must have heard the words leave Sterling’s lips too because it’s beating on the bars of its cage as if in the hopes of breaking free to run straight to Sterling’s.
“And I hope that you’re okay,” Sterling continues. “I hope you know...” She seems to get a little choked up then, the back of her hand rising to cover her mouth as she shuts her eyes tightly for a moment.
And April knows she really should want nothing more than for Sterling to just shut up and stop talking. She knows she should turn and run out of this room that seems to have a divine effect on the both of them. April is well aware that she should stop Sterling now and leave while both of them still have their dignity; tell her to talk to her girlfriend about it and let April confide in her own friends. Instead of listening to any of her own advice though, April whispers, “yes?” A prompt daring herself to hear more, internally begging Sterling to continue with this onslaught of words that make April’s insides feel warm and smooth and sweet like honey.
“I hope you know how proud I am that– that God created you with the courage to unlearn all of the hatred we were taught.”
April breathes. The pain of her heart screaming at her from inside her chest has never felt so good.
“Sterling,” she breathes out and finally her limbs respond to the signals her brain has been begging them to listen to, her feet slowly carrying her over to stand in front of the girl. “I miss you,” April starts, tone hushed, a hand reaching up to brush away the wetness from Sterling’s cheek. “And I hope that you’re okay too.”
Sterling sniffles and chokes out a laugh, eyes rolling as she nods her head side to side. “Let’s just say I don’t think I have a very fun evening ahead of me.”
April frowns, hand retracting back from Sterling’s face. Her feet stand their ground. “Oh?”
“Dates are never great when one party goes in with the intention to break up with the other.”
“Oh.”
“Yeah.”
April actively bites her cheek to reign in a smile she feels rapidly approaching, the sensation of honey in the pit of her stomach lightening into a gorgeous kaleidoscope of butterflies.
“I came out to Hannah B.” The confident and proud admission is past April’s lips before she can think better. It’s worth it; Sterling’s the shocked one now, a gasp escaping her lips as her eyes lift to finally meet April’s. This action will surely go on to be considered, historically, as one of the biggest mistakes of the century, because once their gaze is locked, it feels as though their eyes may never part again. April’s finally able to remind herself of the exact hue of Sterling’s eyes, the image no longer a blurry memory sitting repressed in the back of her mind but instead standing bold and bright right in front of her, looking back at her tender, as if they too are reminding themselves of the magnificent make up of color that is April’s own eyes.
“That’s amazing, April,” Sterling whispers, not because she’s trying to be quiet but because she feels if she were to ask her voice to be any louder, her throat might catch on and constrict the sound into a sob.
“Yeah,” April nods, voice much the same.
They continue to stare at one another, irretrievably transfixed. April thinks she could cry if she would only allow herself, being close enough to see the tiny flecks of color kissed so sweetly by the sun across Sterling’s nose and cheeks, making April feel like she has been let in on a secret few are trusted to keep. Sterling’s staring back at her, her expression having slowly but surely shifted into something full of tension – not their usual, anger-filled kind. No, Sterling’s face is tense with something different. Desire.
“I think of you when my hands are on her,” Sterling breaks the silence suddenly with her own admission. “I can’t help it.”
April sucks in a breath, mentally begging herself to look away, to allow her brain time to process an intelligent response. But as the butterflies flutter up into her chest, what instead escapes her mouth is, “then put them on me instead.”
Sterling steps forward and the feeling of her hands grasping April’s hips with such assurance, pulling them to meet flush against her own is enough of a lighting bolt to finally snap some sense back into April. She squeezes her eyes shut to give herself any chance to focus, hands rushing up to gently press back against Sterling’s chest.
There’s that sense of deja vu to it all again.
“Sorry,” April mutters, head down. “I shouldn’t have said that.”
“April-“
“No.” She draws in a long breath and finally raises her gaze to Sterling’s again, mind clearer now. “You have a date to get to. Maybe we can talk again after... that is finished.”
Sterling seems to catch up now, that intense expression dropping to one of realization. She gulps, nodding profusely. “You’re right.” Sterling takes a step back and quickly squats to pick up her bag. She’s practically making a dash for the door when suddenly she stops short. April watches as Sterling seems to consider her next move for a some time only to turn around and look at her again.
“The connection you and I had- have... is so different than mine and Abigail’s.” The name alone is enough to make the tips of April’s ears turn red and hot. “You and I grew up together,” Sterling continues. “You were my... like, sexual awakening – We were each other’s first girlfriends or... whatever we were. I don’t get deja vu with her because it’s just... It’s different, okay?”
April doesn’t know what she could possibly say to that. She certainly couldn’t give her own heartfelt speech on how sure she is that she’ll never have a connection remotely similar to the one her and Sterling have without fully breaking down, which really doesn’t feel like the best option right now. So April just nods.
“Okay.”
Sterling takes in a shaky breath, maintaining eye contact as she gives her own stern, single nod.
Then she turns and finally does leave.