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Dear Victor,
I’m never going to send this so I might as well fucking say it. I miss you. Can you believe it? I fucking miss you.
A few months ago I had my hands wrapped around your throat prepared to sacrifice you to Obe and now I feel like if I spend one more day without seeing you I might go crazy. I’ve read about this, codependency it’s called. I know it’s not healthy but I feel so acutely alone that it fucking hurts. I never noticed before but I’ve felt you in my head, a slight buzzing of awareness whenever you were near. I hardly even noticed till you were gone and now everything is so silent. Our link must be severed by the distance. Did you feel me too? I wonder if what I felt was real or just the delusions, another side effect like the leprosy caused by abuse of the gifts. I like to think it was benign and it was real and you were there keeping me company even when I couldn't see you. Even when I raged and you walked away I could feel you. And now I can’t feel a fucking thing.
I know I’ve hurt you before. I was cruel and manipulative and I used you to get what I wanted and you let me. God why did you let me? I pulled at you, tugging our bond and using you as a living battery for my fucking power trip. You ever notice that? My powers always affected you more than yours affected me. Except that last time but still. Weird right? It doesn’t matter whatever the reason you decided to put up with my bullshit I’m grateful.
I was hurting, angry at the world, angry at Reda for being gone, angry at my parents for acting like it didn’t matter, angry at everyone for moving on like the world just kept spinning even though my brother was fucking missing. I was angry but you were there for me, committed like nobody else would and now that you’re gone I don’t know what to think. You know I stood there at the end of the drive watching your car ride away, getting small in the distance and I couldn't help but wonder if you were ever coming back. Are you getting better in there? Are they being nice to you? Are you taking care of yourself? Do the memories still hurt? Is there someone to hold you when you cry? I don’t know what I’m saying but I know I miss you. And now - you won’t fucking believe this - Reda’s back. I know I know, I have no fucking idea how it happened but he’s back and in all honesty shit’s even worse than it was before. But I won’t send this letter because I want you to get better, I don’t want you to worry and anyways your girl’s looking out for me. Don’t tell her I said this but she’s kinda cool.