Archive of Our Own

Jeongguk grabbed his phone that was laying on the passenger seat and opened the group chat with his brothers, after turning his car’s engine off. His brothers hadn’t replied to his last voice message yet, but it had mostly consisted of a rant anyway, so he simply started another one. “Guys, I’m on my last delivery now, so I’ll come right home after dropping it off. We should still have some dakbeokkumtang from last night, so we’ll have that for dinner. If you want, you can start heating it up in maybe 15 minutes? If I don’t forget I’ll get some ramen at the convenience store as well. So… uh, yeah, that’s it. I’ll see you soon.”

With a hum, he grabbed his keys and the bag of fried chicken that he had to deliver, before getting out of his car and locking the doors. As he made his way to the apartment complex, he opened the delivery service app on his phone, checking again what instructions the customer had left him. The front door should be unlocked so you can simply take the elevator to the third floor. If it isn't, let me know and I’ll let you in. Jeongguk sighed.

“Please be open, please be open,” he mumbled to himself as he walked towards the front door. When it opened without a problem, he cheered internally. He found the elevator without a problem and while riding up to the third floor, he checked again to which apartment he needed to deliver. He was glad his last delivery was going without a hitch. After a full day of work and then a few hours of delivering food, he was completely spent. He just wanted to get home, have dinner with his brothers and lay around.

Gently, he put the bag of fried chicken onto the doormat of the apartment and took a step back. Right when he opened the camera on his phone to take a picture of the delivery, the door opened, and a young man grabbed the bag.

“Ah-“ Jeongguk jumped forward and reached out as if to grab the bag out of the person’s hand. When he looked at him in confusion, Jeongguk forced himself to smile politely. “I’m sorry, I have to take a picture first as proof that I delivered it.”

“Oh.” With a laugh, the guy put the bag down again. “Sorry.”

"No problem," Jeongguk mumbled as he finally took the picture and uploaded it onto the app. Then, he finally took a good look at the guy in front of him. The man was wearing an oversized green hoodie over a pair of beige shorts and his black hair was still a little wet as if he had just taken a shower and- Jeongguk knew them. "Are you Hoseok? From Instagram?" He had to be.

Hoseok looked taken aback for a second before a bright smile made its way onto their face. "I am! Do you follow me?"

Sheepishly, Jeongguk smiled. "Ah, yeah, my best friend has been following you for a while and kept talking about you so... Umm... I never saw anyone on Instagram put their preferred honorifics in their bio and I think that’s really cool. I mean I know it’s kind of bare minimum, but I haven’t really seen it. I mean my nonbinary friends do that as well now too and me too and yeah, so… yeah, sorry for rambling.”

Hoseok smiled, cocking his head a little. “You’re fine, don’t worry.”

“Uh, do you live here? I think there was a different name on the delivery.”

“Oh, this is my friend’s apartment. Yoongi’s just in the shower,” Hoseok laughed, leaning against the doorframe. “What’s your name?”

“Jeongguk,” he replied, fidgeting with the phone in his hand.

“Jeongguk,” Hoseok repeated as if he was testing out how saying the name felt on his tongue. “Well, it was very nice to meet you. I’m sure you have other deliveries to do.”

Jeongguk nodded slowly. “Yeah, well actually, this was my last delivery of the day but uh yeah.”

Hoseok took a step back into the apartment. “I hope you have a great evening then. How about you message me on Instagram, when you get home? Only if you want to of course.”

He couldn’t believe what he had just heard. Influencer and LGBTQIA+ activist Jung Hoseok asking him to message them? Him? Jeon Jeongguk, Human Resources Assistant by day, delivery guy by … well, evening and weekend? “I, uh, yeah, of course.”

“Lovely. Talk to you then.” With another grin and a wave, Hoseok disappeared into the apartment with the fried chicken, leaving Jeongguk a little starstruck.

As he made his way downstairs, he started recording a voice message to send to his best friend Taehyung. “Oh my god, hyung you won’t believe who I just met-“

“Goodnight, hyung,” Jungwon said quietly, patting Jeongguk’s head. Laughing he reached out for his brother to pull him in for a kiss to the cheek. He didn’t used to be this affectionate but ever since it was just him and his brothers, he kind of picked up the habit of drowning them in kisses and hugs – at least sometimes.

“Goodnight, Wonie.” Jeongguk looked over at Soobin who was curled up on the other end of the sofa, scrolling on his phone. Jungwon usually was the one who went to sleep the earliest, since school tired him out. He was in his third year of high school which meant he was going to graduate soon, the stress of that exhausted him a good amount.

After Jungwon said goodnight to Soobin as well and left to get ready for bed, Jeongguk looked back down on his phone where he had been staring at Jung Hoseok’s Instagram account.

Jung Hoseok
👑 any pronouns
🌻 hyung/oppa/noona/unnie
🏳️⚧️ trans/genderfluid ♒ aquarius 🐶 dog lover

They had said Jeongguk could message them, right? Jeongguk didn’t just imagine that, he couldn’t have since he ranted about it to Taehyung who then had encouraged him to definitely send a message to Hoseok. So he should. Yes.

After sending the message, Jeongguk went over to his own profile and looked at it closely, making sure he didn’t have any typos in the bio that would embarrass him.

jjk
Seoul | 25 | oppa/hyung

Jeongguk sighed, realising there wasn’t much he could misspell in his Instagram bio anyway. Plus there was no need for hovering on the app when there was no guarantee Hoseok would even see his message soon. After all, she had over a hundred thousand followers and probably got a lot of messages. Jeongguk's message would probably drown in their DM requests. With that in mind, Jeongguk went back to his text conversation with Taehyung. They were currently discussing what movie they should watch on their next movie night which was very much dependent on whether Taehyung's boyfriend was invited. Jeongguk liked Jimin so he had no problem with her tagging along, but Taehyung sometimes insisted on the two of them to have some quality time - since Jimin and Taehyung were pretty much attached by the hip when they were together which led to Jeongguk being a third wheel. He was in the middle of assuring Taehyung that he really didn't mind Jimin joining them for their Ghibli movie marathon, when he suddenly got an Instagram notification. Hoseok had replied to his message. For a minute Jeongguk tried to ignore it and finished his message to Taehyung before he couldn't wait any longer and switched over to Instagram.

Jeongguk! I'm so glad you messaged me! It was really nice meeting you today and the fried chicken was absolutely amazing!

I know but still! Did you have a nice time the rest of the evening?

oh I'm happy you got to spend time with your brothers! I have an older sister, though we haven't managed to meet up lately. I had a great evening as well! As I said the chicken was very good and hyung and I watched a nice movie!

What nooooo... I'm also not used to actually getting recognised like that yet... So you found me through your friend?

Me? Cool? Aw you flatter me too much!

You used to dance then?

Oh? That's so interesting! If you still love dancing you should definitely join me this Saturday, I'm holding a small dance workshop at a community centre! I can send you all the info etc!

I'm actually kind of scared that no one will show up since no one is required to sign up and it's a very new project of mine... So it would be really nice to see a familiar face! But I won't force you haha, only if you have time and want to of course!!

Yes, no pressure at all!!

I also have a question and I hope you don't think I'm being rude, feel free to not answer at all but are you gay? Or queer in general?

Figuring things out is completely fine! Yes, I'm biromantic and demisexual!!

oh greyrose!! that's so cool, look at us!! so much in common!!

definitely! Goodnight jeongguk!! sweet dreams!!

To his own surprise, Jeongguk actually ended up at Hoseok’s workshop. This was mainly surprising since he hadn’t allowed himself to go to any workshop or event like that in a few years and additionally because he hadn’t danced ever since he graduated. At first, he had already planned out the message he was going to send Hoseok to apologise for not being able to join. But then Taehyung had caught wind of Jeongguk being invited to the workshop which meant Jimin knew as well… to make it short, there was no way Jeongguk was getting out of this because Jimin had tried to get him back into dancing for two years now.

Which was why she accompanied him.

“Why are you so nervous?” Jimin grinned at him and slipped his hand under Jeongguk’s shirt to pinch his skin. With a huff, Jeongguk tried to slap his hand away. Sometimes it felt like Jimin had known him since they were little, with the way he was always teasing him.

“I don’t know,” Jeongguk mumbled, absentmindedly stepping on Jimin’s gym shoes, trying to make them a little dirty. “Hoseok is like… big, you know.”

Jimin raised an eyebrow in amusement. “I’m pretty sure you’re taller than him.”

Jeongguk groaned in annoyance. “Noona, that’s not what I’m saying. They’ve got like… such a big following? It’s kind of intimidating.”

“Ya, I have ten thousand followers and you never show me any respect.”

Before Jeongguk could even open his mouth to throw a teasing insult at Jimin, Jung Hoseok entered the room and instantly got Jeongguk to stop anything he was doing – or thinking for that matter. They were wearing a shirt and sweatpants like everyone else and still, it felt like they owned the room as soon as they stepped in.

"Hey, everyone," Hoseok said once he stood in front of their small group of people. "I'm so happy to see you all here and I can't wait to spend a few hours having fun together. I think I'm older than most of you, so just feel free to call me noona or unnie. If you have any questions throughout the workshop, don't hesitate to ask me. I was thinking we could start off with some stretching..."

Jeongguk hadn't danced in a couple of years or well at least not like this - there had been some rare clubbing. Nevertheless, it only took about five minutes for his muscles to remember how to move. He ended up having so much fun, that he started to question why he even stopped in the first place. For one, Hoseok was just an amazing teacher, even if she sometimes looked a little strict as she watched them to make sure everyone got the move right, and then Jeongguk was just as glad to have Jimin there with him. Even though they got along well, Jimin and Jeongguk rarely had any bonding time. Which was natural since she was in a relationship with Taehyung and therefore, she didn't need to spend any time with him. But maybe in the future, they could do something like this again.

After a couple of hours of dancing and sweating, Hoseok ended the workshop with a big bow and started individually talking to whoever came to have a chat. Since Jeongguk already felt incredibly exhausted, he and Jimin didn't mind sitting around for some time until Hoseok walked over to them. "Jeongguk-ah! I'm so glad you could make it. And you brought a friend!"

"Park Jimin, I'm so happy to get to meet you," Jimin introduced himself with a quick bow. "We've been to the same events before, but I don't think we ever actually met."

Hoseok's eyes lit up as she started to smile. "Yes, I knew you looked familiar. You recently wore this gorgeous red dress, right? The one with the slit? You'll have to tell me where you got that, you looked so fantastic."

"Thank you." Jimin giggled. "That was actually one of my boyfriend's designs, he just started his own brand. It's called VANTE. You know what, I can send you a link later on Instagram and also his contact if you want to."

"Oh, definitely, please do." Hoseok looked over at Jeongguk who was still nursing his bottle of water and feeling just a little out of place. "So, Jeongguk, is Jimin the friend you told me about?"

It took Jeongguk a second to remember what they were talking about. "Actually, he's the boyfriend. Taehyung, the designer, is my best friend."

"Jeongguk-ah, I'll wait for you outside. I'm gonna make a call." Jeongguk blinked in confusion as Jimin grabbed his bag and bid Hoseok goodbye hurriedly. Only when he noticed Jimin winking at him did he realise that she was leaving him with Hoseok alone for a reason.

Awkwardly he looked back at Hoseok who was watching him with a small smile. "Well... thank you for inviting me to this, noona. I really missed dancing."

"I could tell." She grinned. "You know, you're really talented. I could see how passionate you're about it as well. Why did you stop dancing?"

Jeongguk pursed his lips. "I didn't really have the time anymore... it's a little complicated."

Hoseok nodded in understanding. "Well, would you allow me to invite you to something else?" They nudged Jeongguk gently with an arm. "I would really like to get to know you more if that's okay. You seem really cool."

"I mean, yeah but... I'm just plain old me." Jeongguk shrugged, not really understanding why someone like Jung Hoseok would even care to get to know him. Sure, he knew he was a funny guy sometimes and he was kind to people, but this was Jung Hoseok who spent his days meeting interesting people, not people like Jeongguk.

"Plain old you is much more interesting to me than you might think." Hoseok winked at him with a smile. "My friends own a bar, and they have Theme Nights every two weeks. I feel like that would make a much better setting to get to know someone. You can also bring someone if you want to, of course."

Jeongguk hesitated for a second. He hadn't really gone out in the evening in quite a while since he had always been working or too exhausted from working the other evenings. But as much as he didn't think he himself was interesting, he would love to talk to Hoseok more. And it wouldn't hurt, right? To just have a night out? "I'll- Yeah, I'd like that I think. You'll send me the details again?"

A bright grin stretched across Hoseok's face. "Yes! You know what, let me just give you my number-"

Originally, Jeongguk had meant to ask Taehyung and Jimin to accompany him to Hoseok's friends’ bar. They had bothered him for the last couple of months, trying to get him to grab a drink with them. So this would be the perfect opportunity, right? Yes, except his brothers had noticed that he had been trying to figure out how he'd get to the bar and Soobin had immediately offered himself as his plus one.

Jeongguk would never say no to quality time with his younger brother, so naturally, Soobin was going to join him. It didn't even faze Jeongguk that they were going to an LGBT bar together. He wasn't very up to date with Soobin's labels, but he vaguely remembered having a conversation with both of his brothers when he had come out to them. He had let them know that they never had to feel obligated for coming out to him and that he didn't care who they dated.

"So you're going to wear this?" Soobin asked on the evening that Jeongguk had agreed to meet Hoseok at the bar. "Isn't the theme 'under the sea'?"

"Yes." Jeongguk motioned to his dark blue shirt. "It's blue, I'm the sea."

Jungwon looked up from where he was organising his science notes on the coffee table. "Hyung, oh my god."

"Well, what are you supposed to be?" Jeongguk asked, slightly offended. Soobin was just wearing a white dress shirt with black pants.

Soobin grinned. "I'm Prince Eric. Obviously."

"It's not a costume party, though." He looked between Soobin and Jungwon who seemed to know everything better tonight. "I don't need a costume."

"Not a costume but maybe something that just fits the theme," Soobin replied and pursed his lips as he looked Jeongguk up and down. "Jungwon-ah, any ideas? I'm not going to leave the house with hyung going as 'the sea'."

"Guys, I don't-"

Quickly, Jungwon got up from where he had been kneeling on the floor and hurried over to his and Soobin's shared room. "I think, I have this-" When he came back out, he was holding a bright orange shirt. "What if he wears this and goes as Nemo?"

Jeongguk snorted but took the shirt that Jungwon was offering him. "I guess I don't have a choice."

"Wait, hyung, I have a black and white striped shirt you can wear underneath-"

And that's how Jeongguk ended up stepping into the bar dressed as Nemo - or well, almost. As soon as they entered the club, however, Soobin disappeared from Jeongguk's side. On their way, he had told Jeongguk that he was going to meet up with his best friend Yeonjun, so Jeongguk shouldn't have been surprised that it only took him a few seconds before he was making his way to his friend. So much for quality time.

To be fair, Jeongguk was here to meet up with someone as well.

"Jeongguk-ah, you made it!"

Jeongguk stopped trying to make his way to the small crowd of people and looked around until he found Hoseok waving at him at the bar. "Hyung, you need to stop being so surprised when I show up to places."

Hoseok laughed, throwing their head back in laughter. They were clearly more dressed up than Jeongguk or at least they had spent more time coming up with a good outfit. He quickly realised that Hoseok had been inspired by Ariel, as he was wearing a purple crop top along with a turquoise skirt. The influencer was wearing one of his wigs as well, long brown hair flowing over his shoulders in waves. He looked incredibly pretty and Jeongguk felt ridiculously small next to him.

"Did you go with the clownfish aesthetic?" Hoseok grinned as she pulled Jeongguk into a hug. "You look so cute."

"Thank you, you look amazing yourself," Jeongguk replied, his cheeks a little red. "My brothers wouldn't let me leave the house dressed up as the ocean."

The elder giggled. "What a shame. Did you bring anyone?"

Jeongguk looked around trying to find Soobin. "Uh yeah." Finally, he spotted his brother in a booth with his best friend. He pointed Hoseok in their direction. "The guy in the white shirt next to the guy with the pink hair, that's my little brother. Soobin."

Hoseok seemed to watch them for a second before they turned to Jeongguk. "You guys have the same smile," they said with a small grin.

Jeongguk couldn't help but smile at that as well. "So, I've been told."

"Do you want a drink?" Before Jeongguk could even reply, Hoseok wrapped an arm around him and pulled him to the end of the bar. "Let me introduce you to some people."

Some people turned out to be the bar owners, Yoongi, who Jeongguk had delivered fried chicken to that one time, and Namjoon, his partner.

"Oh, you didn't get a name tag yet, do you want one?" Namjoon motioned to the sticker on their shirt on which they had noted down their name and 'they/hy' pronouns.

Jeongguk hesitated. "Do I need one?"

Yoongi shrugged and pulled out an empty name tag sticker and a pen from behind the bar. He pushed them over to Jeongguk. "We offer them to people who are here to meet new people. That way they can put anything they want on it. You can put your name, your age, your sexuality, your pronouns. But again, you don't need to use it."

"Okay." He nodded slowly. He didn't really know if he wanted to write anything but his name on the sticker. He wasn't even sure if he wanted to wear the name sticker, he didn't want to talk to a lot of people tonight. He'd be fine just staying with Hoseok.

"Ah, I'm being a shitty host. Jeongguk-ah, would you like a drink?" Yoongi asked with a polite smile. "We've got beer, soju, soda, cocktails, everything."

"Uh." Jeongguk looked at the long menu they had hanging behind the bar. "Can you recommend me anything fruity? Nothing with alcohol though, I need to make sure my brother gets home safely."

Yoongi gave him a thumbs up. "I'll whip you something up." Before he made his way to the numerous bottles behind the bar, he leaned over to Namjoon and pressed a kiss to hys lips. "Don't break anything while I'm gone."

"I have a reputation," Namjoon told Jeongguk when the younger raised an eyebrow at them. "I may be the owner of this bar, but I'm not really allowed behind the actual bar. I've broken too many glasses."

Jeongguk nodded, trying to think of what to say. "Are you-"

"Sorry, am I late?" With wide eyes, Jeongguk stared at the woman who suddenly appeared next to them and kissed Namjoon's cheek. She was wearing a dark blue cocktail dress and her brown hair was in a long bob. She was absolutely gorgeous, there was no other way to say it.

"Just a little," Namjoon replied and accepted a kiss to their lips. "Jinnie, this is Jeongguk. Jeongguk, this is my girlfriend, Jin."

Jin smiled brightly at Jeongguk. "Very nice to meet you, Jeongguk."

"Yeah, yes, same." He nodded quickly. "So you guys are-" He awkwardly motioned to the two of them and then looked at Yoongi who appeared right that second with a cocktail for Jeongguk.

"Try this and let me know if you like it, it's on the house," Yoongi said with a smile, before he sent Jin a smile. "Hi, noona."

"Yes, we're dating," Namjoon replied to Jeongguk's half question.

Both Yoongi and Jin shook their heads. "We're not," they said in unison.

"I'm dating Namjoon," Jin said when Jeongguk only seemed more confused. "And Yoongi is dating hym as well. But Yoongi and I are not dating."

"But we get along," Yoongi added. "Namjoon has been dating other people next to me from the start but usually it was nothing permanent, so it was kind of surprising that Jin managed to stay for so long."

Jin gasped in offence. "That both sounds and feels like an insult."

Ignoring Jin, Yoongi motioned to Jeongguk's cocktail. "Try it." Jeongguk took a sip and instantly started nodding. "Good?" He nodded some more.

As he was drinking, Jin reached out to take the sticker and pen in front of him. Quickly she wrote her name and small 'she/ve' on it, before sticking it onto her dress. Then ve glanced at Jeongguk. "You didn't need that right?"

Jeongguk sent vem a shy smile. "No, it's fine."

"Well, as lovely as this whole conversation here is, I actually invited Jeongguk to talk to me." Laughing, Hoseok rubbed Jeongguk's back with one of her hands. "You wanna sit down and chat? We can get a table where you can keep an eye on Soobin."

Jeongguk giggled. "Oh, I'd love that."

After Hoseok got himself a drink as well, they found themselves an empty table in the corner of the bar.

"So." Hoseok wiggled his eyebrows at Jeongguk, his hands wrapped around his drink. "Tell me about yourself Jeongguk."

The younger scratched the back of his head. "Ah, I don't know what to tell you about, I'm really not that interesting. You might have to ask me questions instead."

Hoseok nodded. "Well there was something I was wondering, but please don't feel like you have to give me an answer. If you're uncomfortable just say so and we'll talk about something else." She grabbed the straw in her drink and slowly stirred her drink. "I know your friends are nonbinary, so I wanted to know if you are too? Or if you ever questioned your gender? Of course, having nonbinary friends doesn't make you nonbinary as well. I'm not saying that. I just- yeah."

Jeongguk smiled at the way Hoseok was rambling, before biting down on his lip. "I, uh, never let myself question my gender. There have been times where... So no, I'm not nonbinary, I don't label myself as that right now."

"Is there a reason why you didn't let yourself question it?"

"I just didn't have the time, I guess," Jeongguk said and shrugged a little. "I've just... There were a lot of things I needed to get done and some kind of gender revelation would have not helped my situation."

"Totally valid," Hoseok replied and nodded quickly. "Not everyone has the privilege to be able to just take the time and figure out their labels."

"Yeah." Jeongguk took a sip from his cocktail and absentmindedly played with the straw. "Do you- I can tell you why I didn't really have the time for gender stuff, but it's kind of tragic so I don't want to dump my trauma onto you without making sure to ask you."

Hoseok's eyes widened a little. "Oh? Well, if you're comfortable sharing it with me, I'll gladly listen. But don't feel forced to."

"No, it's fine." Jeongguk hadn't really talked about his past to someone new in a while. It didn't hurt as much as it used to and talking about it had definitely helped him, but he always struggled to know how to start. "Well, umm, when I was 20 and a few weeks after I came back from enlistment, my parents died in a car crash. Supposedly, it all went very fast, and they didn't suffer, but yeah, it was still a shock, obviously. I told you about my brothers, back then Soobin was 17 and Jungwon only 13. Overnight I was the only adult in the house and it just... it was a lot."

"I'm so sorry for your loss," Hoseok said, their eyebrows pulled together. Slowly they reached out to touch Jeongguk's hands on the table. "That must be very hard for you."

"Yeah, it was. We struggled financially a lot, so we had to sell our parents' house and move to a small apartment. Soobin enlisted after graduation, so Jungwon and I somehow managed as I got my degree and worked as many hours as I could. Since he's been back, he's also started college, but I don't want him working too many hours, so I've been working two jobs. Jungwon is about to graduate but I'm not quite sure what he wants to do afterwards. I think he wants to go to college too, but I don't-" Jeongguk allowed himself to take a deep breath when he realised he had been rambling. "We're financially stable right now but I have no idea how we're gonna... I mean we'll be fine. We've always been."

"Wow." Hoseok squeezed Jeongguk's hands that he had started to hold at one point. "I can't believe you tried to tell me you're not interesting. Just from that story, I can tell you're incredibly strong and you really love your brothers a lot."

Jeongguk shyly ducked his head. "I mean if you say it like that."

Hoseok let out a gentle laugh. "They can be very lucky to have you as an older brother."

"I'm just lucky to have them," Jeongguk mumbled, before taking another sip from the cocktail. He wasn't really sure what Yoongi had put into it, but it was very delicious. "You have an older sister, right?"

"Yeah, I love her a lot." Hoseok's smile was all soft. "I'm privileged to have a very supportive family. Jiwoo was the one who helped me pick out my very first dresses."

"That's so cool." Jeongguk couldn't help but imagine what his life would be like if he had an older sister or an older sibling in general. It must be nice. "Ah, sometimes I do wish I had the time to explore my gender a little. Or my gender expression at least."

"Well, you have all the time in the world, don't rush yourself," Hoseok replied gently and sent him another smile. Only now Jeongguk was realising that he had dimples. "And I'll be here to help you out if you need me to."

Two weeks later, Jeongguk found himself at Jungwon’s graduation ceremony.

"I'm so proud of you!" With a bright smile, he pulled Jungwon into a tight hug. "Look at you, you're growing up." When his brother tried to squirm out of the hug, Jeongguk pressed a few wet kisses onto his cheek.

Soobin, who was ready to attack Jungwon with a hug as soon as Jeongguk let him go, snorted. "Well, he's still very small."

"I'm of average height, okay?" Jungwon mumbled defensively, finally managing to escape his brothers. "And I'm still growing."

"Ya, don't you dare grow taller than me as well." Jeongguk gave himself a moment to just look at his brother, standing in his school uniform for the last time. When had his little baby brother started growing so fast? “Let’s go to dinner, yeah?”

As they sat down at their table in the little Korean BBQ place that was on Jungwon’s way to school, Jeongguk couldn’t help but think back to his own graduation. He remembered their parents taking them out for dinner in a place similar to this one. He remembered his mother being all teary eyed for the entire day, her hands constantly fixing Jeongguk’s uniform and petting his hair. He remembered her kissing his forehead and saying “my boy’s all grown up” over and over. And he remembered Soobin getting scolded by their father for playing on his phone during the ceremony while Jungwon was clinging to their mother.

Of course, his youngest brother had long since grown up as well, which was painfully obvious today of all days. Jeongguk knew that they were supposed to celebrate Jungwon’s graduation, but he couldn’t help but realise that he was the only one who got to celebrate his graduation with their parents – and he felt incredibly guilty for some reason. Soobin’s graduation celebration had been even smaller than this since they didn’t have enough money for Jeongguk to take them out for dinner.

If Jeongguk had only one wish, it would be for his brothers to have their parents back. Naturally, he missed them as well, but it was his brothers who had missed out on so many amazing memories with their parents. Sometimes he found himself wondering if his brothers would’ve turned out differently, if their parents had raised them. Well, they had and Soobin had already been 17 when they died but still- His brothers were good people, but would they be even better versions of themselves if they had had their mother and father to guide them? Jeongguk was only a couple of years older than them his advice was probably not the best most of the time-

“Hyung?” Jeongguk blinked out of his thoughts and quickly realised that a waiter was standing at their table asking for their order. Since he had been working extra hours to save money for tonight, he ordered all the meat that he knew they could eat and let his brothers choose the side dishes.

“I wish eomma and appa were here,” Jungwon mumbled as Jeongguk and Soobin started to place the meat on the grill. “I miss them.”

“Me too,” Soobin replied and nudged Jungwon reassuringly. Jeongguk suppressed a deep sigh. It seemed like they were all thinking more about their parents today.

“You know they’re both proud of you, right?” Jeongguk said, “The two of you.”

“You too, hyung.” Jungwon gently kicked at his brother’s feet, before exchanging glances with Soobin. “Hey, we wanted to talk to you about something.”

“Sure, what’s up?”

Jungwon bit his lip. “Hyung, I’m gonna get a job soon and Soobin hyung wants to work more hours, too. And then you don’t need to work your delivery job anymore.”

Jeongguk blinked, pausing for a moment. “You don’t have to do that.”

“No, but we want to,” Soobin said, a small pout on his lips. “You’ve been working your ass off for years. We just want to give something back, even if it’s just time for yourself.”

“But… you don’t have to, I’m just being a good hyung, you don’t need to repay me for that.”

Soobin sighed. “Being a good hyung also takes a lot of effort and strength.”

“Please let us do this for you.” Jungwon reached out to grab Jeongguk’s hand around the grill. “We know you gave up on so many things like dancing and- You don’t even have time- Hyung, please. We don’t want you to overwork yourself constantly.”

Jeongguk hesitated. He couldn’t help but think of the conversation he had had with Hoseok about how he had never had the time to figure out his gender identity the same way he didn’t have the time to keep dancing. He knew he had been missing out but to him there was no other option. Maybe for once he should let his younger brothers take care of him. Just this once. It wouldn’t hurt right?

The moment Jeongguk allowed himself to question whether he was comfortable with his masculinity his brain erupted into chaos. Suddenly he didn't even know what gender was supposed to feel like and whether he had ever known or if he had just played along with the gender that had been assigned to him.

"What do you do when you start questioning your gender?" he asked one night when his brothers were out staying at their friends' houses and Taehyung and Jimin had invited themselves over. His best friend almost dropped the knife he was holding when he turned to look at Jeongguk. "I mean how do you stop questioning and start... knowing? I don't even know how to categorize the chaos in my head."

Taehyung pointed the knife at him. "You're questioning-"

Laughing, Jimin took the knife out of his boyfriend's hand. "Well, technically you just... one day know. But I think you might benefit from some experimenting in general? Like either you could experiment with some pronouns or well honorifics and see how it feels, or you could play around with your gender presentation. You could try on some different clothes, put on some makeup or nail polish. Your gender identity and gender presentation don't have to overlap but it would help you learn more about your comfort zone."

"Hm." Jeongguk pressed his lips together and nodded. He wasn't quite sure how he could experiment with pronouns when his native language didn't even really use pronouns that much. He knew he could just start calling his older friends oppa and unnie instead of hyung and noona, but he could already tell that it felt off. He didn't feel uncomfortable with being masculine and being his brother's hyung... he just felt like there was more to it, like that wasn't all.

"You could come over and try on some of my designs," Taehyung said excitedly, walking over to Jeongguk so he could grab his hands. "I've been dying for someone with your build to try them on."

Jeongguk couldn't help but grin at that. He was pretty proud of his muscles especially since he hadn't been able to go to the gym very long and had only worked out at home for the longest time. "Ah, I don't know, hyung."

Taehyung pouted. "But why not?"

Jimin nudged him gently. "Maybe he wants someone else to help him with the gender stuff." She winked at him.

"Maybe," he replied quietly, glancing at his phone on the counter. Ever since Jungwon's graduation, he had been dying to message Hoseok and ask him all sorts of questions but since they still weren't that close, he had been a little anxious to do so. But that didn't mean that there had been radio silence between them. They had exchanged a few messages back and forth and Hoseok had commented on the picture of Jeongguk, Soobin and Jungwon at the restaurant that he had posted – ‘I see cuteness runs in your family’.

"Just message them," Jimin said gently and pressed a kiss to his cheek. "I'm sure he'll be happy to help you with whatever you need, and we'll be here as well. You just need to ask."

Jeongguk slowly reached for his phone. "You'll finish dinner?"

"We'll at least try not to burn your kitchen down," Taehyung replied.

He opened his chat with Hoseok and took a minute to draft his message before he finally hit send.

Hoseok only took a few minutes to reply.

hi angel!!! yes that sounds wonderful, how about we go on a little shopping trip? I know some stores where we can get all sorts of styles and even some gender neutral brands! even if you don't want to buy anything you can just try some clothes on and see how it makes you feel!!! I'm so proud of you for wanting to explore your gender a little!! makes me so happy to hear hihi

Jeongguk's eyes almost fell out of his head when he saw the price tag on a white shirt that was hanging in the front of the shop Hoseok had taken him to. How could a simple white shirt be so expensive? What material was it made of that the shop owner felt comfortable to charge this much money? Just for this shirt Jeongguk would have to work for-

"Ah, don't look at the price." Hoseok swooped in to pull him away from the shirt. "This was the best shop I could think of because they have a wide array of styles and brands but it's unfortunately not your price range, so we'll just have fun and try some things on, alright?"

Jeongguk let out a long breath. "Okay."

"So what do you wanna try on first? There's no right or wrong. We can try it all."

If he was honest, Jeongguk was a little overwhelmed. "I don't know, I..." He sighed. "Will you choose something? I don't know where to start."

"Of course!" Hoseok grinned. "The changing room is over there, I'll grab some stuff and meet you there in a few minutes. If you find anything you like on the way there, feel free to take it with you."

Jeongguk made his way to the changing room, not really looking at the clothes because he knew he'd just end up staring at the price tags again. He closed the curtain of the changing cubicle and sat on the tiny stool in the corner. In the few minutes it took, until Hoseok handed him a few hangers full of clothing into the cubicle, he scrolled through Instagram.

"I thought we could start with a few skirts and dresses, since you probably haven't worn a lot of those," Hoseok said from behind the curtain, careful not to look inside even though Jeongguk was still fully clothed.

"Well, I..." Jeongguk accepted the hangers hesitantly. "I kind of realised already that I don't really wanna be referred to with female honorifics."

Hoseok hummed. "You might still like the way you look in dresses."

Well, Hoseok wasn't wrong with that. Jeongguk slipped out of his shoes and jeans, before trying on a short black skirt. He tucked his shirt into the skirt and just - stared for a minute into the mirror. And as he stared at his naked legs and the skirt swishing around, he could feel his throat closing up a little.

"Are you wearing anything yet? What do you think?" Jeongguk hesitantly reached out for the curtain and slowly pulled it aside so that Hoseok could see him. The elder eyed him carefully and when he noticed Jeongguk's look he smiled softly. "It doesn't look bad."

"I-" Jeongguk looked down at his body. "I don't know how to say this without offending you."

Hoseok almost pouted and reached out to touch Jeongguk's arm for a second. "You won't. I know that this is about what you feel about yourself and how you want to be perceived and how you think you will be perceived. This is not about me or how you see me. I take it, you don't like the skirt?"

He hesitated, still afraid to say something wrong. "I look like a girl," he whispered, his fingers carefully running over the fabric of the skirt. "There's nothing wrong with that in general but-"

"You don't want people to look at you and think you're a girl, I get it." Jeongguk nodded, relieved that Hoseok understood what he was trying to say. "Do you want to try the other skirt on?"

"No..."

He could see Hoseok's fingers twitching by her side and wondered whether she was holding back from touching him. He wished she didn't. "Do you want to try a dress on?"

Jeongguk scrunched his nose. "Won't that be the same?"

Hoseok shrugged. "It might, might not. It's up to you."

He let out a long sigh and looked at the dresses hanging in the changing room. "I'll try on the blue one."

"Alright." Hoseok sent him a reassuring smile. "I'll be here, you can show me again if you want to."

Jeongguk pulled the curtain shut again and slowly started changing out of his shirt and skirt into a blue dress that felt like it was made mainly out of mesh. He struggled a little to zip it up at the back but when he did, he carefully watched his own reaction in the mirror. This time, he didn't quite know how to react. He still felt uncomfortable with the skirt part and just looking at the dress, he knew that people would assume he was a girl, which felt like someone was pressing down on his throat but...

"I'm not sure about this," he said as he stepped out of the changing room and presented himself to Hoseok. His friend got up from the sofa they had sat down on and looked Jeongguk up and down. "The dress is really pretty, but I don't think it's for me. But I..."

Hoseok hummed, cocking his head. "I like the sleeves on you." He pointed to the bishop sleeves of the dress.

"Yeah, I-" He ran his fingers over the collar of the dress that was almost a turtleneck. "I like the top, it looks really soft, and it makes me feel really soft and... yeah."

The elder was smiling brightly at him now. "Maybe we can find you more of that style? Is there any other style you'd like to try out? Something you always thought looked very cool?"

Jeongguk furrowed his brows in thought. "I like- but it's very different from this soft style. I don't think it would go well together."

"It doesn't have to." Hoseok shrugged. “I like a lot of different styles, you should see my closet. How about I go find some more clothes that fit this soft style and you can see if they have anything else you like?”

"Okay." Hoseok already left to do as he said, while Jeongguk changed into his clothes again before he could leave the changing room as well. He hesitated a little as he looked around and walked towards a corner of the shop that had darker clothes. As much as he appreciated Hoseok taking him shopping and giving him this opportunity to just wear whatever and see what it feels like... There was no way he could ever afford any of this. He wanted to just have fun, but it felt a little pointless to find things he liked. After aimlessly touching different shirts, he just grabbed a pair of cargo pants and a ripped oversized shirt and made his way back to the changing room where Hoseok was already hanging up the clothes that he had found.

Shaking the feeling of pointlessness at the sight of Hoseok's smile, Jeongguk started putting on different outfits with a little more enthusiasm than before. He absolutely loved the outfit he had picked for himself, though he struggled to explain why baggy and oversized clothing made him feel safe. He figured it was because the clothes were comfortable, and you couldn't really tell his body shape. And they made him feel small. He liked feeling small.

Some of the clothes Hoseok had brought had the opposite effect since the high waisted slacks with bows as belts or blouses with flowy sleeves accentuated his waist and legs and chest. But Jeongguk didn't mind that too much. He liked his waist and he liked how delicate he felt when he looked at himself in the mirror. And small, they made him feel small as well.

"You look so pretty," Hoseok said quietly as she played with the ruffles of the last shirt that Jeongguk was trying on. The younger ducked his head, not quite knowing how to handle all of the compliments Hoseok had been throwing at him today. But Hoseok always complimented him - and Jeongguk always got a little overwhelmed. "You know some of these brands you've tried on have sent me clothes before. I don't really wear them because it's not my style, but I have them in my closet. You could have them, I'd give them to you."

Jeongguk's eyes widened. "Ah, noona, I can't- You're being too nice."

Hoseok pouted softly. "Ya, what am I supposed to do with pretty shirts like these? Please, I'm the hyung and I want to give you something. Let me do this for you. You don't want to be disrespectful, right?"

"Right." Jeongguk couldn't help but grin at Hoseok's whole face lighting up. He had never seen someone smile so bright that they could rival the sun. But Hoseok could.

"Let's go now, we'll get all of these clothes back on the hangers and put them over there and then I'll call us a ride."

Later, during the car ride over to Hoseok and Namjoon's place, Jeongguk started feeling a little down again. "I don't think today helped me realise my gender."

Hoseok looked at him questioningly. "No?"

He shrugged. "I mean, I think I know now that I'm not... like on the feminine part of the spectrum. I don't feel really comfortable with that. But everything else is just very blurry and ugh, I don't know."

"Jeongguk-ah." Hoseok reached out to grab Jeongguk's hand and intertwine their fingers. "You don't have to know your exact label to be able to embrace your gender and express yourself the way you want. I didn't know my gender for the longest time even though I knew that I both wanted to be a boy and a girl at times. It took years for me to really understand what I was feeling and the best you can do is to just... do what you feel like, be whoever you want to be."

Jeongguk nodded slowly and gave Hoseok's hand a squeeze. "When- How or why did you decide to go by they/them pronouns as well? Would that even make sense for someone like me? I mean we don't have those pronouns in Korean, and we barely even use pronouns in general and I just don't know- would it be really worth it?"

"Well, it depends," Hoseok replied, carefully choosing his words. "This is something I think a lot of nonbinary people have different opinions about. One thing is for sure, you do whatever makes you happy. You go by the pronouns that make you happy and comfortable and that make you feel valid. You're right, in day-to-day situations I don't get to experience being referred to by they/them unless I talk in English, especially on social media. That doesn't make me feel less validated though and that doesn't make me feel like it's stupid to use them. This may sound silly but it's the thought that counts. If the thought of someone referring to you with certain pronouns in a situation where that's possible makes you happy, then that counts. Your native language doesn't have to restrain you."

He took a deep breath and nodded again. He hadn't realised before how thinking about pronouns was a little... terrifying and intimidating. "Do you think... that I can try they/them pronouns out? Even though I never really speak English to anyone these days?”

Hoseok's thumb gently rubbed over the back of Jeongguk's hand. "Of course you can. Do you want to?"

Jeongguk hesitated. He could always go back to not using those pronouns, right? It couldn't hurt to just try. "I think so. Just sometimes. To feel it out."

"Alright." Hoseok smiled and lifted up their joint hands so he could press a short kiss to Jeongguk's fingers. "Your wish is my command."

"Is Namjoon at home?" Jeongguk asked quietly when they stepped into Hoseok and Namjoon's apartment.

"They're probably in their room," Hoseok replied as she slipped out of her shoes. "They're a very quiet roommate."

"Really?" Jeongguk couldn't help but giggle at that but if they really thought about it Namjoon hadn't seemed like a loud person when they had met.

Hoseok grinned at him. "Namjoon-ah, are you home?" they shouted into the quiet apartment.

"Yes," a voice a few rooms away shouted back, which made Hoseok nudge Jeongguk.

"See? Hy's home. Come, my closet is this way." She gently pulled Jeongguk into a bedroom but before he could even look around properly, they opened another door and ushered him into the closet - which was almost half as big as the bedroom.

"That's... quite the closet," Jeongguk said, not being able to look away from the sheer variety of clothes that Hoseok had.

One of Hoseok's hands touched his lower back for a short moment. "Choose whatever you want."

Apprehensively, they ran their fingers over a couple of black shirts that were stored in the very corner. "I didn't think you'd actually have black clothes."

"I don't actually wear them," Hoseok replied with a laugh. "Take them, they should even be oversized. I meant to donate them."

Slowly Jeongguk grabbed one of the shirts and glanced back at his friend. "You don't see me as a charity case, right? Because I don't-"

"No, no, this has nothing to do with- Look, I swap clothes with Jin all the time. I'd swap with Namjoon too, but hy and I don't really share the same fashion style. They like more of a sophisticated androgynous style if you can call it that. But really, I'm not doing this because you said that you struggle with money sometimes. I just-" Hoseok only stopped rambling when Jeongguk stepped forward and pulled her into a tight hug.

"Thank you, hyung," they whispered. "For everything."

Hoseok gently ran his fingers through the hair at Jeongguk's nape. "You're welcome, angel."

"Baby, will you at least try to be careful?" Taehyung called after Jimin who was dancing her way to the kitchen probably to get herself another glass of wine. He sighed and looked back at Jeongguk. "The number of times he hurt himself on the pins that I put in the clothes... and then she complains when I have to redo everything."

"The skirt looks really pretty on him though," Jeongguk replied with a comforting smile. He had felt bad that he had let Hoseok take him shopping but had never let Taehyung put him in one of his own designs. So now they were volunteering as their best friend's mannequin - or something like that. "Did you run out of fabric for this jacket?" Jeongguk nodded to the thin jacket that he was wearing, which admittedly had more holes than actual sleeves. It looked amazing but he loved to tease Taehyung.

"Very funny," Taehyung mumbled as he walked around Jeongguk, checking how the jacket fit him.

He looked down at his arms. "I think this would look really cool if someone had like, a sleeve of tattoos, you know?"

"Get at it then." Teasingly, Taehyung flicked Jeongguk's chin.

When Taehyung walked over to his desk to note something down, Jeongguk pursed their lips. "Hyung, you're nonbinary."

"Thank you for noticing."

"No, I just-" Jeongguk snorted. "Why did you decide to not go by they/them pronouns? Or any other different pronouns?"

Taehyung paused for a second, before shrugging. "I just didn't feel like it. You don't have to go by different pronouns just because you're nonbinary and you also don't have to be nonbinary to go by different pronouns."

“No, I get that, but…” Jeongguk pursed their lips. “You didn’t decide against it because you think it’s stupid to go by pronouns that don’t exist in our language, right?”

He cocked his head and studied Jeongguk. “No, of course not. Is that something you worry about a lot? That people will think you’re stupid? Or that your pronouns are stupid?”

Jeongguk sighed. “Maybe? I don’t know. Sometimes I feel like there’s a wrong decision and that there’s a wrong way to be nonbinary and that everyone else will call me fake and I just- I don’t know, I’m so new to all of this.”

“Aish, Jeongguk-ah.” He hadn't even noticed that Jimin had entered the room again before he was draping himself all over Jeongguk. "Please know that there's no right or wrong way to be nonbinary. Everyone has different experiences, and we can't compare ourselves to each other like that. You don't owe anyone anything. You don't owe anyone to look androgynous or to only go by they/them or to act in a way that someone else categorises as nonbinary. Understand?"

"Yes, noona," Jeongguk replied dutifully and smiled when Jimin pinched his cheeks. "I think I want to go by he/they pronouns. Maybe I'll change my mind but..."

"That'll be okay." Jimin pressed a kiss to their head. "You can always change your mind about things like that. Nothing is permanent."

Jeongguk nodded. It was weird because he knew that. He knew that he could change labels and pronouns and that it was completely fine. And still, something in him told him that he was the exclusion. That he was different and that he wasn't allowed to just experiment like that. It was bad to think like that and he tried not to... but sometimes he couldn't help it.

“JK!” Hoseok shouted and pulled Jeongguk into their arms before he could even step into Hoseok’s apartment. “I’m so happy you’re here.”

It seemed Hoseok always was happy when he saw Jeongguk, but the younger would never complain. Quite frankly, it was cute and had made Hoseok quickly one of their favourite people. “Thank you for inviting me over.”

Hoseok watched as Jeongguk slipped out of his shoes. “I meant to have a big sleepover but then I thought the two of us should have some quality time.” She winked at Jeongguk when they raised an eyebrow. “Jin might drop by though.”

“Well, I brought some wine,” Jeongguk said and pulled two bottles out of his backpack. “The good cheap kind, of course.”

“Perfect.” Hoseok grabbed the bottles and pressed a kiss to Jeongguk’s cheek. “I’m gonna get us some glasses. Why don’t you drop your bag in my room and get comfortable?”

“Sure,” they smiled and made their way over to where they knew Hoseok’s room to be. They were really excited to spend an evening with Hoseok, especially because their friend had told them that they were gonna pamper themselves.

When Hoseok walked back in with two full glasses of wine in his hands, he grinned at Jeongguk. “So.” She handed a glass to Jeongguk. “How do you feel about me putting some makeup on your pretty face?”

Jeongguk raised an eyebrow in surprise. “Uh, sure.” The thought of Hoseok touching his face already made him a little squirmy. But he had wanted to try what makeup would look like on him - he just didn’t know where to start.

Hoseok put her wine glass onto the closest surface and reached out to take one of Jeongguk’s hands and pull them over to her dressing table. He gently pushed him down on a soft chair in front of the table and motioned to the makeup. “Don’t worry, this is all new stuff that the brands sent me. Plus, if you want to, you can take some of it home.”

“Huh.” Absentmindedly, Jeongguk stared at the palettes of what seemed to be eyeshadow. Hoseok had a lot of them in the prettiest colours.

“I don’t wanna give you a full face of makeup,” Hoseok explained as they grabbed a couple of brushes. “But I think you would look so good with a little bit of eyeshadow and some eyeliner. Maybe... look, this red would be really pretty on you.” They picked up a palette with a few darker shades of red.

“Okay.” Jeongguk nodded eagerly and squeezed his hands between his thighs when Hoseok softly touched his face and started applying something that looked a little like foundation or concealer on his eyelids.

Hoseok hummed. “You know, we haven’t seen each other in almost two months.”

Jeongguk nearly opened their eyes out of reflex. It really had been a while since they had seen each other. Hoseok had been out travelling and Jeongguk had been helping Jungwon get a job. They had still talked of course. Hoseok had sent him pictures of all the pretty places he had visited and Jeongguk... well they had mainly sent back pictures of their face. “It’s been a while, yeah.”

“Is there anything new in your life then?” Hoseok asked quietly. “Been on any dates?”

This time, Jeongguk pulled away and opened his eyes to stare at Hoseok. “Hyung, when have I ever told you about going on dates?”

The elder shrugged and gently grabbed Jeongguk’s face again. “I was just asking.” Jeongguk snorted quietly but let Hoseok apply the eyeshadow. “You’re greyromantic, right? Do you just wait until you’re attracted to someone and then ask that person out or do you date someone and hope you’re someday attracted to them?”

Jeongguk chewed on their lip in thought. “I don’t know, I don’t really have rules about that. Whenever I do feel attracted to anyone it’s like a very fleeting feeling. The people I have dated... well, I’ve dated them because I liked them, and I thought we’d fit together well. It’s difficult to describe to alloromantic people. I mean, I have a similar relationship with sexual attraction but that’s a whole other thing.” He opened one eye to peek at Hoseok, who only smiled back at him. “Why are you asking?”

Hoseok shrugged. “I was just wondering. I find it really interesting how everyone has different experiences in that aspect.” She grabbed a kohl eyeliner and cupped Jeongguk’s face as she leaned in. “I need you to stay really still.”

So Jeongguk did – or tried to. Hoseok was so close that he could smell their perfume. He had thought before that Hoseok smelled really nice whenever they hugged, but somehow right now they smelled even better. He could barely focus on staying still.

A few minutes later, after Jeongguk thought Hoseok was going to poke their eyes out with the mascara brush, the elder leaned back and inspected Jeongguk’s face with a small smile. She nudged his chin with her fingers. “All done.”

Jeongguk turned their head to look at the mirror on the dressing table. For a second, they just stared. He looked so unbelievably pretty. He didn’t even know he could look that pretty. Hoseok hadn’t even put a bunch of mascara onto his eyelashes as he had suspected, they were just a tiny bit darker and longer than normal.

If they were honest, they had been a little afraid that they’d look too feminine with makeup on. But this didn’t make him feel uncomfortable at all. There was nothing feminine about wearing some eyeshadow after all. They couldn’t take their eyes off their own face.

”Beautiful, right?” Hoseok leaned in so that their faces were side by side in the mirror. They winked playfully at him. “You might even look better than I do whenever I put makeup on.”

“No way.” Quickly, Jeongguk shook their head at him. “That’s just not true.”

Hoseok just smiled, not arguing any further. “I’m starting to get really hungry already, do you mind if I get some food from the Chinese restaurant down the street? It won’t take too long, and you can watch some tv or listen to music, Namjoon isn’t home.”

Jeongguk held back from pouting. He didn’t want Hoseok to leave even for a short time, but he admittedly was a little hungry too. Maybe he’d offer to join Hoseok, but he didn’t want to leave the house with makeup on just yet. “Okay.”

“Do you want anything specific?” Hoseok asked as he got up and grabbed his phone and wallet.

“Dumplings?” Jeongguk shrugged with a smile. “I’ll eat anything honestly.”

Hoseok let out a quiet laugh and squeezed Jeongguk’s shoulder. “I’ll get us some dumplings, too, then. Meanwhile, make yourself at home. I’ll be right back.”

When Hoseok had left, Jeongguk kept sitting in their room for a few minutes just scrolling through the notifications on his phone before he decided he might as well watch a little tv in the living room. It took them a moment to locate the remote and then another one to decide on a channel but soon enough, they were snuggled in the corner of the sofa watching an episode of a drama they knew Jimin was watching.

When he heard the sound of the front door getting unlocked, he turned around in confusion, not having expected Hoseok to be back that quickly. But of course, it wasn’t Hoseok, but Jin who kicked her high heels off her feet as soon as she walked in.

“Jeongguk!” She exclaimed happily, as soon as she spotted him on the couch. “It’s so nice to see you again.”

“You, too, noona,” Jeongguk replied, suddenly hyper aware of the fact that he was still wearing makeup and blushing intensely.

Jin walked around the sofa and sat down next to Jeongguk, letting ver head fall back. “Where’s Hoseok?” ve asked mid-yawn.

“Picking up food,” Jeongguk replied, watching as Jin lazily tied her hair into a low ponytail.

“Right.” Ve nodded. “They texted me to ask what I want to eat.”

Jeongguk hummed and turned his attention back to the tv. It stayed silent for a little while as Jin scrolled through her phone before she put it down on the coffee table in front of vem.

“So, if you don’t mind me asking, are you getting a little more comfortable with the whole gender thing?”

The younger paused for a moment. They knew Hoseok had mentioned their new pronouns to her friends and had obviously allowed her to do so beforehand, but he hadn’t known Hoseok’s friends were actually interested in him like this. “I- yeah, a little? Sometimes I still feel like an outsider, but I’m... getting used to everything, yeah. I’m learning about myself every day.”

Jin smiled softly. “That’s good.” She pulled one of her legs onto the sofa. “Do you still go by he/they pronouns?”

“Yes,” Jeongguk replied, before hesitating slightly. “Well, recently I’ve been thinking about using neopronouns as well, but I’m just not sure... How did you decide on using neopronouns?”

“Well, I’m not nonbinary so I can’t explain it from that point of view but for me...” Ve pursed ver lips in thought. “After coming out as trans and starting to transition, I still felt like something was a little off. I was finally allowing myself to see myself as the woman I am and most of my friends considered me as a woman now too, but I felt like I would never feel the exact same way a cis woman feels. I just had completely different experiences. I knew it didn’t make me less of a woman but to me, it made me a different woman. And I express that with my neopronouns. They’re not bound to one gender or another, they’re nonbinary and agender and genderless at the same time. Does that make sense?”

Jeongguk nodded quickly, already starting to feel a little more confident just by hearing Jin’s point of view. “That makes a lot of sense. I find it so interesting that neopronouns can be not just gender neutral but completely genderless and just outside of the spectrum.” He wrapped his arms around himself. “My favourite set of neopronouns from the ones I’ve read about is xe/xem and I think they’re really cool but I don’t know if that’s enough reason to try them out.”

“Eh.” Jin shrugged and rolled her eyes. “You don’t need some complex reason as to why you’re trying out certain sets of pronouns. You know, you’re allowed to have fun exploring your whole gender identity. You think they sound cool, so you can try them out - if they stick, they stick.”

“Okay.” Jeongguk smiled shyly back at vem. “I’ll try them out then.”

Later that evening after they’ve had dinner and plenty of wine, Jeongguk told Hoseok about xir new set of pronouns as the elder was painting xir nails. Hoseok nearly tackled him off the bed, excited for Jeongguk to explore his gender identity and expression more each day. And of course, Jeongguk couldn’t help but be happy as well. It felt like he was finally starting to get comfortable in his own skin.

“Does it hurt?” Soobin asked, slowly painting the bleach onto Jeongguk’s hair, making sure not to get it onto their forehead.

“No,” Jeongguk replied with a frown. “Not yet anyway. Is it supposed to hurt?”

“I don’t know, I mean it’s bleach on your head.”

Jeongguk snorted. “That’s true.” He watched as Jungwon walked past their bathroom, only to stop and lean against the doorframe.

“What are you doing this for again?” he asked, a smile on his lips. There was a soy sauce stain on his white shirt, but Jeongguk had pointed that out to him earlier already.

Jeongguk fixed the towel on his shoulders. “The theme party at Yoongi and Namjoon’s bar in a few days. The theme is movies and I’m gonna go as Howl from Howl’s Moving Castle.”

Jungwon cocked his head, pulling his phone out of the pocket of his sweatpants. “Doesn’t he have dark hair?”

“He has blonde hair at the beginning of the movie.”

“Hyung is going as pre-slime Howl.” Soobin accidentally let a drop of bleach fall onto the bathroom floor. “Ah, shit.”

“I got it.” With a laugh, Jungwon wiped the bleach away with a piece of toilet paper. “Well, I wish you both good luck. I hope you don’t need to bleach your hair too many times because it will burn away your brain cells.”

“What brain cells?”

“Ya!” Jeongguk hit Soobin’s thigh as hard as he could. If xe was honest though, xir brothers did have a point. Recently it had felt like his brain cells had been melting away - which was one of the reasons why Jeongguk even cared so much about the preparations for this particular party. They could’ve easily just bought a wig, right? But Hoseok had mentioned to him that Jeongguk would probably look really good with different hair colours and apparently his last brain cell just ran with that.

“Hey, can I tell you something?” Soobin asked quietly when he was almost done applying the bleach.

Jeongguk could feel themselves freeze. “Sure, yes, tell hyung.”

“Well-“ Soobin let out a quiet huff and stepped around Jeongguk so that he could look at his brother. “You know, Yeonjun, right? Well- I, uh- They’re my partner. We’re dating.”

“Oh, that’s-“ Jeongguk’s eyes were surely as big as saucers. “I’m so happy for you, that’s great! Come here.” Xe pulled Soobin into a short awkward hug. “How long have you been together?”

“Technically, a few weeks, emotionally... a long while.” His little brother laughed shyly and ducked his head, when Jeongguk smiled in amusement. “It took some time to figure things out because we’re best friends, you know.”

Jeongguk, who in his teenage years had fallen head over heels in love with one of his best friends too, did in fact know. “Soobin-ah, I’m really happy it worked out for you. From what I remember Yeonjun is an amazing person and I hope they’ll make you happy.” Soobin smiled a little brighter and rubbed the back of his neck. “I really need you to put the rest of the bleach in my hair, though.”

“Oh, right.” Giggling, Soobin grabbed the small bottle of bleach again and stepped behind his brother. “Well, anyway, I’m probably bi or pan or maybe omnisexual, I haven’t fully figured it out yet.”

“That’s fine, you have all the time in the world,” Jeongguk reassured their brother. “Have I kept you updated on my gender labels?”

Soobin snorted and nudged Jeongguk’s head. “I don’t know, hyung, have you?”

“Considering I haven’t found a label yet, I don’t know either.” Jeongguk laughed quietly to himself, before letting out a sigh. “The only thing I’ve really figured out is that I don’t really identify with feminine labels or like labels in that direction. And that it’s not something fluid. Maybe I’m multigender? I don’t know.”

“Yeonjun is agender, so I only really know about that.” Soobin patted Jeongguk’s bleach-wet hair before he started pulling the plastic gloves off his fingers. “Are you agender?”

Jeongguk pouted xir lips. “I think I’m too connected to masculinity to be agender.”

Soobin hummed in response. “Well, don’t worry about it too much. You have all the time in the world.”

Jeongguk huffed a little to themselves and fidgeted with the sleeves of the pink cardigan xe had borrowed from Soobin. Maybe it was a little too warm for his Howl costume. No, it definitely was, and he probably would have to ask Yoongi or Namjoon to keep the cardigan in the staff area. I mean, he could probably tie it around his waist but-

“Look at you, you’re so handsome,” Jimin said as he poked Jeongguk’s chest. “Made yourself all pretty for Hoseok, huh?”

Jeongguk immediately started sputtering. “I didn’t-“

Taehyung leaned his head against Jimin’s. “Didn’t you bleach your hair because Hoseok told you that you would look great with blonde hair?”

“I was just following a recommendation,” Jeongguk defended himself, even though he didn’t even know why. He was used to randomly question whether dating his friends was a good idea - he just wasn’t used to liking the idea so much that it made his head spin. It wasn’t like they were crushing on Hoseok. Or maybe they were? Xe wasn’t so sure, attraction was a confusing concept sometimes. All he knew was that he valued Hoseok as a friend... and that he kind of really wanted to kiss her.

“You do know your brain will not stop thinking about them in that way until you at least find out whether Hoseok is interested in a romantic relationship as well, right?” Taehyung said when they finally got into the bar. Jeongguk cursed himself for ever talking to Taehyung and Jimin about his emotions. (Of course, their best friend was right though. Jeongguk just wasn’t sure whether they were ready to have that sort of conversation.)

“Well, I’m gonna get drunk,” Jeongguk mumbled and made their way over to where Yoongi was pouring out shots for a group of people in blue wigs. “Hyung.”

“Gimme a sec, Jeongguk-ah.” Yoongi prepared two more drinks before he walked over to where Jeongguk was leaning against the bar counter. “What’s up? What can I get you?”

Jeongguk scrunched xir nose. “Something with alcohol.”

“Well, I have plenty of that.” Yoongi snorted. “I’ll make you a Long Island Iced Tea if you tell me why you’re planning to get drunk just a few seconds after even entering my bar.”

“It’s just... sometimes being greyromantic sucks a little,” Jeongguk said and hopped onto the free bar stool next to xem. “Am I having a crush, or do I just think dating them would be neat or is there even a difference?”

Yoongi nodded. “Yeah, I get you, I’m nebularomantic.” Jeongguk paused, trying to remember whether he knew what label that was. They had surely read about it before but there were a lot of labels on the internet. Yoongi seemed to catch his confusion. “I’m neurodivergent, so I can’t tell the difference between romantic and platonic attraction.”

“Ah.” So Jeongguk had indeed read about that label before. “How did you decide to date Namjoon, then? Were you attracted or did you just go with a gut feeling?”

The elder pressed his lips together for a second and handed Jeongguk a tall glass. “I slept with hym, it was great, so I thought well, I can certainly do that for a long time.”

Jeongguk sighed, before taking a long sip from his drink. Then he looked back at Yoongi. “I’m sorry but that doesn’t really help me.”

“I didn’t say it would.” Yoongi placed a slice of lemon onto the rim of Jeongguk’s glass. “You know, sometimes with these things you just have to go with the flow, with what feels right. I mean, don’t overthink the whole attraction thing, yeah?”

“Okay, but-“

“Yoongi oppa, can you make me a Virgin Cuba Libre?” Hoseok leaned against the bar counter, before turning to look at Jeongguk. “Holy- it’s you. You’re blonde. I didn’t recognise you.”

Jeongguk smiled shyly. “I thought I’d try out some new hair colours.”

“You look so good,” Hoseok gushed and gently grabbed Jeongguk’s face. “And that eyeliner! Oh my, I’m so proud of you.”

Jeongguk could feel their heart beating out of their chest. “I’m Howl,” they stammered, not knowing how to respond.

Hoseok giggled. “I see that. You’re the prettiest Howl I've ever seen.” That’s it. Jeongguk was going to faint. “I’m Joy from Inside Out.” She twirled a little in her green sparkly dress.

“Y-Yeah, you’re super pretty, too.” Jeongguk hadn’t always been this nervous to talk to Hoseok, right? Was this a new development? It had to.

Hoseok hummed. “Do you feel comfortable wearing makeup and nail polish outside now? Or is it just because of the party?”

“Ah, just because of the party,” Jeongguk mumbled loud enough for Hoseok to hear. “I still work in an office, you know?”

“You do what you’re comfortable with,” Hoseok replied with a wink and reached for the glass Yoongi was handing her. “But I’ll never complain about seeing you this pretty.”

Jeongguk couldn’t help but hide a smile. “Are you saying I don’t have value unless I look pretty?”

“That is not what I’m saying, and you know it.” Hoseok pinched Jeongguk’s side and laughed when the younger tried to squirm away. “No, seriously though. Watching you be so comfortable and just… become yourself is really beautiful. I feel like you were a little more subdued when we met.”

Jeongguk nodded and ducked his head. He had noticed that himself. He had noticed himself changing, even if it was just small things. The way they carried themselves, the way they thought about themselves, the way they were able to actually look at themselves in the mirror for multiple minutes. “I still have a long way to go I think.”

“Maybe, you do.” Hoseok’s fingers gently combed through Jeongguk’s hair. Xe slowly leaned into the hand, ignoring the way xir stomach was tingling. “But I think it’s the first step that takes the most courage. And I’m really proud of you.”

With wide eyes, Jeongguk grabbed their glass and took a big sip. “Noona, I did not come here to cry.” Or to confess his ever growing crush.

Hoseok let out an amused snort and nudged him softly. “Alright, let’s go find your friends then, yeah?”

“Oh, let’s sit here.” Hoseok’s hand gently rested on Jeongguk’s lower back as he motioned to the outside seating area of a café they almost passed by. “Or do you object?”

“I don’t.” Jeongguk laughed as they sat down at one of the free tables. “I crave something sweet. Do you want to share some French Toast?”

"I'd love to," Hoseok replied as he picked up one of the menus that were already laying on the table. When a waitress appeared to take their order, they decided to share a couple of dishes since they were both pretty hungry. Afterwards Hoseok cocked their head at Jeongguk. “Lemme look at your hair. You dyed it again? Did you not have enough dye for the entire head?”

With a smile, Jeongguk took their bucket hat off to show Hoseok their hair. Last night he had helped Jimin dye his hair red and since they had quite a lot of dye left, it ended up in half of Jeongguk’s hair. “No, I just thought it would look cool like this.” Frankly, he wanted to look a little like Todoroki from My Hero Academia, but since Hoseok had once asked him whether SpongeBob was an anime, he decided not to say that.

“It does look cool.” Hoseok nodded and stared at them for a moment, before they ended up diving into a different conversation topic.

"-and I just didn't know what to say." Jeongguk laughed after xe was done retelling one of xir delivery adventures. Hoseok was laughing as well, almost choking on the iced coffee she was trying to sip. "Like what do you say to that? Sorry?"

The giggle Hoseok let out was absolutely adorable. "Do you miss it? Your food delivery job?"

Jeongguk couldn't help but grimace. "I can't say I do. I would've never asked Jungwon to get a job for my sake, but I'm honestly relieved I'm not working two jobs anymore."

"Ah, yes, I can imagine." Hoseok's feet were gently nudging Jeongguk's, under the table. "But at least you got to meet me, right?"

"That's the best thing that happened, yes." Jeongguk smiled softly. It truly was the best thing he had got out of his second job - apart from the money, of course.

When the food arrived Hoseok took out their phone almost instantly to take pictures, before pointing the camera at Jeongguk. "Lemme take a few boyfriend-like shots of you."

The younger laughed shyly and looked to the side. "Boyfriends don't focus on the table, right?" They quietly posed for a minute, before reaching out to grab Hoseok's phone. "I'll take some of you."

"Thank you!"

Jeongguk took a few pictures of Hoseok smiling brighter than the sun before lowering the phone. "You know, if we were together, every picture you take of me would be a boyfriend shot." Hoseok paused, holding his iced coffee mid-air. Jeongguk's eyes widened when they realised what he had just said out loud. "I mean, uh- here." He handed Hoseok her phone.

Slowly, Hoseok took their phone back. "Do you mean that? Is that something you want?"

"Uh." The younger hesitated. "What I want is very dependent on what you want."

Hoseok stared at xem for a second before grinning. "You're cute. You know, it's okay to say you want to be my boyfriend without knowing whether I want that."

"Well..." Jeongguk cut off a piece of French Toast for himself. "I would like to be your boyfriend but you don't have to be scared of hurting my feelings or-"

"Slow down." Hoseok giggled. "I would like that, too."

Jeongguk blinked. "Really?"

"Yeah." She shrugged. "I just didn't know you felt like that or else I might've said something sooner."

He felt himself zone out a little as he reached for his iced tea. What exactly was Hoseok saying? Was he saying he had a crush on Jeongguk and therefore would like to date them? Or did she just think they'd make a great couple? Was she attracted to xem like that? Or were they just overthinking the whole topic of romantic attraction again? Hoseok was alloromantic so they probably didn't think in depth about their feelings like this, right? Or maybe they did?

"I think I can actually see you overthinking," Hoseok said gently and reached over the food on the table. "Give me your hand, angel."

Jeongguk pouted and let Hoseok grab their hand. "I'm just- because you know I have a complicated relationship with attraction, and I was just wondering if you were saying that you have a crush on me."

Hoseok hummed and ran her thumb over Jeongguk's knuckles. "I don't like using the word crush, but I do really like you. We can talk about it another time when you're more prepared if you want to? But just know, I like you and I would love to be your boyfriend and girlfriend and partner."

"Okay." Jeongguk nodded relieved and went back to their food. "We'll probably also need to go on a date, right? To make it official?"

"We can count this as a date," Hoseok replied with a small smile. "Here, you can have the last of the pancakes. I'm full already."

"But-" Jeongguk held xirself back from protesting and quickly accepted the food Hoseok was feeding xem. Maybe deciding this was a date halfway through would be a good decision. This way he hadn't been nervous beforehand and with Hoseok and him still playing footsies under the table, he was very comfortable. "Thank you, hyung."

After they finished their lunch and left the café, Hoseok walked Jeongguk to the nearest subway station, one arm around their waist. Jeongguk felt like a giggling school kid. They knew that the two of them still needed to have a proper talk and figure some things out, but during the last months, they had realised that taking time to figure something out wasn't always bad. Plus you didn't need to always have everything figured out, right?

"I don't want you to miss your train." With a smile, Hoseok pinched Jeongguk's side. "But I'll see you on Sunday."

"I'll see you then," Jeongguk replied, studying Hoseok as they wrapped their arms around Hoseok's neck. "And I'd like to kiss you now."

Hoseok giggled and leaned forward to press their lips together. "You’ll never stop being so cute, huh?"