Chapter Text
Alex Kingston was one of the brightest, happiest, bubbliest people Matt Smith had ever known; she was always flirting with him and laughing at his jokes and every day on set. No matter how badly his day was going, he could always count on seeing her smiling face. That smile that lit up the whole room; the one that had made him fall in love with her as soon as they had locked eyes. And the smile that made him trip over things and literally fall at her feet sometimes multiple times a day. But that was beside the point. The point was she was one of the happiest people he had ever known, so when she started to seem distant a few weeks into shooting the new season of Who, he knew right away that something was wrong. He thought he might have been imagining it at first. When he went over to ask her if she was ok, the look that had been in her eyes completely vanished and the usual smile was back on her face. But as the week wore on, the smile didn’t reach her eyes. Alex was a bloody good actress, but she wasn't fooling him.
It was the end of the week and Matt was determined to figure out what was wrong. He got to set early in the hopes that he could talk to her before they started shooting. Moffat and the crew were already busy setting up for the day. He walked into the break room and found Karen in one of the fluffy armchairs hunched over her iPhone with a Starbucks coffee cup in her other hand.
"Hey, Kaz," Matt greeted her.
"Hey," she replied, without looking up.
"Have you seen the Kingston this morning?"
"Yeah, she went that way," Karen waved her hand to the left, in the direction of the read-through rooms.
"Thanks," Matt turned to go.
"Are you going to confess your undying love?" Karen teased.
Matt rolled his eyes. Karen had figured out his crush on Alex ages ago, and still proceeded to make fun of him about it.
"Goodbye, Kaz," Matt said.
He made his way through the dimly lit hallway until he found a door that was slightly ajar. He leaned his head inside, searching for any sign of Alex. It took a moment for his eyes to adjust to the darkness, but when they did he could make out her form curled up in the corner behind the long mahogany table.
"Kingston?" he said softly. He turned on the light and saw her eyes open.
"Matt," she said, sitting up abruptly. Her golden curls were in a halo of adorable disarray as she stood up and rubbed her eyes.
"Are you alright?"
"Oh, yeah I'm fine," she waved her hand dismissively. "I was just tired."
She looked tired. No, she looked exhausted. There were dark rings under her eyes and her normally bright green eyes lacked their usual sparkle. It looked as if it caused her excruciating pain to move as she walked over to him.
"Are you sure?" he asked quietly. "You don't seem to be yourself lately."
"I'm fine, darling," she said airily. "You don't need to worry about me."
He had planned to do everything he could to get the truth out of her, but now the words he had planned to say died in his throat. She looked completely like herself again. Maybe he really was imagining things after all?
"Did I wake you up?" he asked.
"No, no, it's fine. I was just dozing. I needed to get to set soon anyway."
"Ok," he hesitated. "You know that if something's wrong you can talk to me, right?"
Just for a split second, he saw her mask come down. The mask that she always wore when facing the world. Just for a split second, he caught a glimpse of her true self when she looked up at him then, their eyes meeting. She looked so exposed, so...vulnerable. But as soon as that look had come, it was gone. And she was waving him off again, telling him that he needed to stop worrying about her and that nothing was wrong.
The next day, he went to look for her and found her in the same room asleep in the corner again.
This time, she didn't even move when he turned on the light.
"Kingston," he whispered, touching her arm, " you need to wake up. It's time to go to set."
She stirred slightly and opened her eyes, looking around the room disoriented.
"What are you doing here?" she asked, her voice thick with sleep.
"Just checking on you," he smiled. "I got us breakfast."
He gestured to the two cups of coffee and the bag of pastries he had placed on the table when he came in.
"Matt, you didn't have to do that!" she protested as he helped her up.
He just continued smiling and they sat down at the table to eat. They didn't talk for a while; just sat in comfortable silence. He reached across the table and covered her hand with his.
"Why are you so tired? Is something going on?"
She shifted uncomfortably. "No, nothing's going on darling. I was just up late reading and I lost track of time. Really, you need to stop worrying about me."
"I can't, Alex. It seems like there's something wrong and you won't tell me what it is."
"Matt," she said firmly, getting up and throwing her coffee cup away. "There is nothing wrong with me."
"Alright," he said softly as he got up as well.
When he looked over at her, she was pressing her fingers to her temples and cringing in pain.
"Alex, are you ok?" he asked.
"No," she whispered weakly, shaking her head. "No, this can't be happening."
“Should I get some help?”
“No! No, please don’t, Matt,” her eyes were wide with terror.
Tears were brimming in her eyes and threatening to spill over the edge. Matt rushed over to her, but no sooner had he reached her than she collapsed into his arms, unconscious.
“Alex!” he cried in shock, kneeling down and pulling her into his lap to support her. She writhed and screamed out in pain; it looked as though she was having a horrific nightmare. He desperately wanted to go get Steven, or, better yet, an ambulance. He thought about it, but he was hesitant because of the terrified look he had seen in her eyes when he asked her if he should get help. He was just thinking that to hell with that, she looked like she could be dying, when suddenly her eyes snapped open and she sat up.
“Oh, thank God,” he breathed out a sigh of relief. “Alex, you bloody scared me. What just happened to you?”
Tears were streaming silently down her face.
“No,” she sobbed, putting her face in her hands. “No, no, it’s all my fault! Oh God, it’s all my fault!”
She sobbed harder and Matt tentatively put his arm around her shoulders.
“What’s your fault, Alex? What happened?”
She just pulled away from him and sat down in another chair.
“Matt, please,” she whispered. “Please forget what you just saw.”
“Alex, no,” he said sternly. “You have to tell me what’s going on. And don’t say nothing, because that, Alex, that wasn’t nothing.You scared me half to death.”
She took a breath to reply, but just then Steven poked his head into the room and called, “Matt? Alex? Time to go to set!”
Alex turned away so he couldn’t see her face and hastily dabbed at her eyes with a tissue from her purse. Then they both got up and Alex looked at him with him with wide, fearful eyes. An unspoken promise went between them that he would keep her secret as he just nodded, reaching out to take her hand and squeezing it firmly.
********
Matt had known for a while that something was wrong, but now he was really worried. He decided to go to her flat later that evening to make her tell him the truth. Maybe if they weren’t on set she would tell him. He just didn’t understand why she didn’t feel comfortable talking to him about what was going on. They had become extremely close while filming Who, and he thought that they had the kind of friendship where they could tell each other anything. Well, almost anything. He could never confess his feelings for her, because then their friendship would be ruined.
When he got to her flat, he raised his hand to knock on the door and froze with his fist in midair, hearing the unmistakable sounds of sobbing from inside. He didn’t know what to do. He didn’t cry very often, but when he did he usually wanted to be left alone. But with what had happened that morning, he felt that he needed to help her and she was obviously upset. Taking a deep breath, he knocked softly on the door. The sobbing continued without pause, so he quietly opened the door. She was sitting on the couch in jeans and an oversized sweatshirt, her hair creating a curtain around her face as she hid her head in her hands and cried. He sat down beside her and gently placed his hand on her arm. He realized that he was crossing a boundary. Yes, they were friends, but he had never seen her cry, save for that morning. This was his chance to show her that he would always be there, no matter what.
Her head jerked up in shock to see him there. Her eyes were red and there was mascara running in inky rivulets down her cheeks. She quickly wiped her eyes with her sleeve and attempted to smile.
“Alex…” he murmured.
“I’m fine,” she said quickly.
He took both of her hands. “Alex, you can’t play this game with me anymore. I know that you’re not ok. You need to get help, even if you won’t tell me.”
She shook her head furiously, new tears welling up in her eyes. “You don’t understand.”
“Of course I don’t understand, Alex, because you won’t tell me anything!”
"You can't do anything to help me,” she said in a low voice.
“Let me try.”
“I can’t, Matt,” she whispered, her tears beginning to fall again. “I-I think you should go.”
“No,” he said simply. “I can’t leave you like this.”
“Matt,” she said through clenched teeth. “You have to.”
She stood up abruptly and he mirrored her. He couldn’t let this go on. She had to tell him the truth.
“Alex,” he said, “there is no way that I am going to walk out this door and leave you here, when you are obviously hurting. I can’t do that.”
“Matt, please! I can’t tell you anything please just go,” her voice cracked as she began to sob again, backing away from him.
He reached out and grabbed her left forearm, trying to bring her towards him. She gasped in pain and yanked her arm away, cradling it to her chest.
“Oh my gosh Alex did I hurt you?” he cried as she sank back down on the couch, still holding her arm and wincing. He tried to roll up the sleeve of her sweatshirt to look at her arm but she pulled it away from him, her eyes wide with fear.
"No," she shook her head. "You didn't, I promise."
"Alex..." his breath hitched when the thought came to him. "Did someone else?"
She bit her bottom lip and her eyes teared up again.
"It's not what you think," she said weakly.
"I didn't even know you were seeing someone."
"I'm not," she responded. "I swear, Matt."
"Who was it?" he demanded, his voice suddenly angry. "Just tell me and I'll go make sure they never come near you again."
Her eyes searched his.
"You-you would do that?"
"Alex, of course I would!"
"But...why?"
"Because I care about you! Is that so hard to believe?"
She started crying again. "Matt, please go. Now. Please just forget about this. About me. About everything. I'm not worth it. Please, just go."
"Did you just say you're not worth it?"
"Matt, please-"
"No, Alex...how could you think that?"
"Because it's true."
"No it isn't. Alex, you're funny and talented and caring and beautiful and any man would be crazy not to fight for you."
"You don't even know me."
That hit him like a punch in the gut, because he realized that she was right; he didn't know her, not really. He thought he did-he knew her coffee order at Starbucks and her favorite boutique downtown and how dedicated she was to her daughter and the way she bit her bottom lip when she was thinking, but he don't know anything about her past. She had never told him and he had never asked, assuming that it was private and she didn't want to talk about it.
"I've done awful things, Matt," she whispered.
"Like what? Alex, you know you can tell me anything."
"You wouldn't even understand. I just-" she sighed, exasperated. "I can't tell you anything without telling you all of it."
"Try me, Alex. I want to know. I want to help you," he looked into her deep green eyes, silently begging her to tell him what was wrong. Couldn't she see that he would be willing to help her in any way possible? That he would do anything for her, to see her happy? That it was killing him to see her like this, in pain and closing herself off?
"Why can't you tell me?" he asked gently.
She bit her lip again, tears falling down her cheeks.
"Matt..." she worked her lip harder between her teeth. "I can't tell you because Salome will get hurt."
It took a moment for him to piece it together.
"Alex," he gasped. "Is someone threatening you?"
She just bit her lip more fiercely and tears began rushing down her cheeks.
"Alex, no," he breathed. "I can't let this happen to you."
"Matt, I told you," she said between sobs,"there’s nothing you can do. Don’t worry about me."
"I can't help it," he took her hand and held it firmly.
"You can't tell anyone about this, okay? Not Karen or Arthur or anyone else."
"Okay," he said softly. "Is there anything I can do? Anything at all?"
She started to shake her head, and then hesitated.
“What is it?” he reached out and tucked a curl behind her ear. “You know I’ll do anything.”
“Can you…” she paused, not meeting his gaze. “Can you stay here tonight?”
She didn’t even leave him enough time to respond before quickly saying, “Only if you want to. I mean, I know you probably have a million things you could be doing right now that-”
“Alex,” he cut her off gently. “I don’t mind.”
She looked up at him. “Are you sure it isn’t any trouble?”
“None at all.”
He hesitated for a moment, and then pulled her into his arms. He expected her to stiffen or push him away, but instead she rested her head on his chest and closed her eyes.
“Thank you,” she whispered.
“Of course,” he pressed his lips to her forehead.
He stroked her hair and held her tightly until she fell asleep. He had often wondered what it would be like to hold Alex in his arms, and he had always thought that he would feel overjoyed. But now, he was just terrified of what was happening to her, and feeling incredibly useless because he couldn’t do anything to stop it.