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June Caswell loves her family. She does. She moved from Ireland to Utah, of all places, for her husband. She loves her daughter Ashlyn and everything she’s accomplished. She loves her nephew, E.J. and how he’s stopped trying to impress his father and chose his own way. And she loves Gina.
Gina, who has never had a sleepover. Gina, who used to always be on edge. Gina, who never stuck around in one place long enough to have friends. And June hates that. She hates that Gina has gone through her entire life always trying to be the best to try, in some bid, to make her mother stay in one place for long enough for Gina to have a semblance of home. She hates that Gina scours the credits on different hit singles to just get a glimpse of what her brother is doing and what he’s up to and try to search for hidden meanings that he misses her in lyrics of songs.
So, when Ashlyn came up to them and asked can Gina could stay here until school was finished? June didn’t even hesitate, she didn’t even wait for her husband to speak before she said yes, of course Gina can stay with us.
June isn’t dumb. She sees the way her nephew looks at Gina and she sees the way Gina blushes and looks down at her dinner plate whenever E.J. stays over and whenever they’re rehearsing. She’s heard Gina laugh more this semester than she’s ever heard her laugh and she’s humming while helping June around the house. June turns a blind eye when she sees the Duke sweater that E.J. will likely never get back because Gina sleeps in it and hoards it as her own.
(Gina sees her eyeing the sweater she’s wearing one night, and she hugs her arms closer to her body, “it’s cold and this is a warm sweater.”
June bites her lip and turns her face around so Gina doesn’t see the shit-eating grin on her face, because there’s no way June is going to mention that it’s late Spring and the weather most certainly doesn’t call for sweaters, but to each their own.
So, when Ashlyn drags Gina into the living room one day, lightly shoving her in front of June, she blinks at them expectantly, waiting for one of them to speak.
Gina bites her lip, but it doesn’t stop the smile that stretches across her face. “Do you…can you help me pick out an outfit? E.J. asked me out on a date.”
And June wants to shriek. She wants to squeal and jump up and down and fist pump and say fucking finally because there was only so many shared glances and almost touches that she could take. But she reigns in her joy, and instead gives Gina a warm smile, getting off the couch, closing her laptop. “Of course, sweetheart.”)
It’s not like Gina’s mom is absent in their lives. Gina calls and messages her regularly, and June has a weekly call with her. She likes Gina’s mom, she does. She respects Gina’s mom, so when they picked out Gina’s outfit, they called Gina’s mom and put her on FaceTime so she could be there for her daughter, if not in the physical sense, then in the virtual sense. And maybe, just maybe, when her mother had to abruptly leave in the middle of it for work, June fumed a little bit and felt her heart break when Gina’s face fell, but Ash reached out and squeezed her hand and brought her attention back to the outfits.
Her husband tells her weekly that she doesn’t have a right to feel jealousy because while they all love Gina, she’s not their daughter, and that didn’t go over as well as she’s sure he thought it would because June yelled at him and he slept on the couch for a week, until he tried to explain what he meant.
Which, she gets it. Okay? She gets it, but Gina is theirs. The moment she stepped over the threshold of the house and smiled at them, thanking them profusely for letting her stay, made her theirs.
So, she’s incredibly proud of Gina and this past semester and how she co-choreographed the entire musical and sure, there were some slip ups, and June will never forgive North High for being such absolute dicks, but she’s still proud of Ash, Gina and E.J. not to mention the rest of the cast but those three in particular.
She knows that Gina’s date is tonight, so after the show, the entire Caswell clan, including E.J.’s father, because June has no fucking time for self-entitled assholes and her brother-in-law’s heart is in the right place, he just misses the mark nine times out of ten, so June has no problem marching into his company and yelling at him, is there to congratulate them after the show.
And maybe she ignores the fact that E.J. doesn’t look at Gina the way he used to, or that when he does look at her, he’s looking at her with those doe eyes that scream heartbreak. And maybe she ignores the fact that he’s giving nonchalant answers to his mother when she asks him about his and Gina’s plans and maybe she ignores the glances between E.J. and another older guy who is talking to Gina and holds a faint resemblance to her. She wonders idly if that’s the brother, because if he is, then June has a lot to talk to him about.
What she doesn’t ignore though, is when not even an hour later, when her husband is over at his brother’s house for dinner and cigars, that June opted the hell out of and she’s getting ready to sink into the couch and start on her manuscript, the front door opens and closes softly.
June frowns, getting up and making her way to the entryway, stopping dead in her tracks when she sees Gina with mascara staining her cheeks. “Honey?” She uses her softest voice and doesn’t lace any pity in it because she knows Gina and if there’s one thing Gina hates, it’s pity.
Gina’s bottom lip trembles and she sniffles, wiping the back of her hand across her nose, tears weeping steadily from her eyes. “I don’t get it. What…what did I do? Is it me? Do I scare people away? Why…we were supposed to get risotto, and he…and he…” she crumples then, shoulders hunching over, a keening wail escaping from the back of her throat.
June doesn’t waste any time, she launches towards Gina and pulls her into a hug, her cheek pressed against the crown of her head, tears stinging her own eyes because oh, oh Gina. She pulls away from Gina, wiping her tears with the pads of her thumbs, “how about you get changed and I’ll get some junk food and we sit down and watch some movies, sound good?”
June goes to move to the kitchen but stops when Gina reaches out and keeps a death grip on her arm. “Please don’t go.” She says in a panic. “Please, don’t go. Can you…can you just like come upstairs if that’s okay, Mrs. Cas?”
“Of course.” She helps Gina up the stairs, stopping when bouts of tears hit her again and she leans against the closed bedroom door while Gina changes and helps her down the stairs when she’s done. All the while, June talks, because that’s what she does. She talks to fill up space, she talks when she makes up her characters and plots, she talks and hopes that what she says means something.
They’re half-way into the movie, Ever After, because it’s a favourite of both of theirs, when Gina slides sideways across the couch, her head on June’s legs. “I called my mom after E.J. bailed.” Gina says. June can feel her breath hitch. “She didn’t answer, and I shouldn’t be surprised but she hasn’t even called since and I left her a message and I just don’t…” she takes a shuddering breath and June brings a hand to Gina’s hair, carefully and cautiously playing with the beautiful curls. “I just wanted my mom.”
Gina lets out a sob, turning her face into June’s knees, her body shuddering with her cries. “Why does no one stay? What is so wrong about me that everyone leaves?”
And for once, June Caswell has no words, so instead, she holds onto the girl who is like the second daughter she always wanted and promises her, I’m not going anywhere, okay, sweetheart? Even when you’re old and have a family of your own, I’m not going anywhere, okay?
When Ash gets the message from her mother in all caps wondering WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED? Ash doesn’t have to guess what it’s about because Gina is nowhere to be seen and E.J. looks like his puppy just got taken away from him.
She balls up her fist, still in costume, eyes narrowing into slits towards her cousin. “What. The. Fuck?” She seethes, grabbing him by the arm and pulling him into an empty classroom. “Where’s Gina? Why is my mom messaging me asking me what the hell happened and why is Gina in tears? Tears, E.J. at home because you backed out of the date?”
“She’s crying?” He looks so heartbroken at the thought of Gina crying, of the thought of being the reason why she’s crying that she wants to scream. “Is she okay?”
Ash shoves his shoulder. “She’s heartbroken, you asshole, of course she’s not okay! What. Happened?”
E.J., runs a hand through his hair. “Look Ash, she doesn’t like me, okay? And I don’t…I don’t want to get…I’ve been rejected and heartbroken before, okay? And it sucks and I don’t…I can’t go through that again, okay? Not with Gina, not when…just…I read the signals wrong. We all did.”
Ash blinks. “What the fuck?”
“Ash!” E.J., says, “stop cursing so much.”
“No.” She snaps, pointing a finger in his chest for emphasis. “What are you even talking about? Of course, she likes you. She more than likes you. She really really likes you and you just broke her fucking heart.”
E.J., sighs and rubs a hand over his still damp hair from the shower her took to wash the gel from it, “Jamie said –”
Ash cuts him off. “Who?”
“Jamie. Her brother.” He says, taking a deep breath, shoving his hands in his pockets, shoulders slumped forward. “He told me that her mother said that Gina thought of me as a brother and how grateful he is that Gina has a brother like me in her life. She told her mom that she sees me as a brother, Ash. How am I supposed to take that?”
Ash takes a deep breath, counts to three and wills every single deity to not hit something or someone. “Okay, first off, is Jamie still here? Second off, and I’m going to say this slowly so even you will understand, Gina does not see you as a brother. At all. It would actually be illegal if she saw you as a brother and feels the way she feels about you. Do you understand what I’m trying to say? Because if you don’t, I’ll say it in less words: Jamie is a fucking liar.”
E.J. looks so confused and hurt and shocked and remorseful all at once that Ash almost wants to cry and yell in victory at the same time. She does neither because at that moment, she sees Jamie down the hall speaking with Mr. Mazzara who looks like he has absolutely no time for the bullshit this guy is spewing and if Ash didn’t love Mr. Mazzara before, she definitely does now. “Why would he lie?” E.J. asks.
“Great question.” Ash seethes, clenching her hands. “Let’s ask him why.” Without waiting for her cousin, she marches down the hall towards Jamie. She can hear her cousin follow but Ash doesn’t care. All she cares about is that the girl she considers a sister is crying at home when she should be out celebrating and being happy, because that’s all Ash wants. She just wants the people she loves to be happy. “You must be Jamie.” Ash proclaims, coming to stand next to Mr. Mazzara as he glances down at her confusedly. “Gina’s brother, right? The one who fucked off and ghosted her but suddenly showed up to ruin whatever chance at happiness she could finally find, right? I don’t know, Jamie, it seems to me like you don’t give a shit about your sister, just that you want her to be as miserable as she was when you left.”
Jamie looks affronted and offended and Ash can feel E.J. step closer to her, protecting her and she can see Mr. Mazzara from her peripheral, keeping a sharp eye for any sudden movements, but Ash is well beyond the point of caring. “Who the hell are you?”
Ash holds up a hand when both E.J. and Mr. Mazzara argue about his tone. “I’m the girl who considers Gina a sister. I’m her best friend. I’m her family. Because family doesn’t give up on one another. Family doesn’t purposely sabotage any form of happiness. You did. So why? Why did you do it? Why tell E.J. that Gina only thinks about him as a brother when your mother knows full fucking well that she’s halfway in love with him.” She pivots on her toe, raising a finger in E.J.’s direction, “do not tell Gina that I said that.” She turns back to Jamie and gives him a smile that’s all teeth and no sincerity. “You know what? You don’t have to tell me. Because you’re going to tell Gina your damn self. You will fix this.”
“I have a flight to catch to L.A.” Jamie says, brushing by Ash. “I don’t have time for this.”
Ash grabs his arm, fingernails digging into his flesh. “Make time.” She snaps at him.
Gina wakes up to the sound of voices and the blurred image of Mrs. Cas’ back as she protectively hovers in front of her.
“Oh.” She can hear Ash say and she’s never heard her voice take on that tone before, both vicious and satisfied. “This will be fixed tonight because Gina will not be spending one more night thinking she doesn’t matter.”
She lets out a groan and sits up, steadying herself with one hand on a couch cushion. She rubs the heels of her hands into her eyes. When she finally fully wakes up, she sees Ash standing across from her mother, hand clamped around her brother, Jamie, and E.J. on the other side, eyes locked onto hers.
She doesn’t even have time to think about E.J. and how she spent the last couple of hours crying and doubting herself and whether if anyone she ever loves will just stay, because her eyes go to her brother. “What…Jamie what are you doing here? I thought you had a flight to catch.”
“Oh, he did.” Ash pipes up, eyes narrowing in his direction. “He rescheduled because he has something important to tell you.” She gives him a push in her direction.
“Maybe we should give them some space.” Mrs. Caswell says, her eyes landing on her daughter and nephew.
Ash snorts and shakes her head. “Why? So, he can lie again? No.”
“Ash.” E.J. murmurs, his eyes remorseful and apologetic.
Gina doesn’t care about privacy, she doesn’t care about who witnesses what, she’s done caring. All she wants is support. All she wants is love. All she wants is to be wanted. All she wants is to come first. “What did you lie about?” She ignores the Caswell family, eyes directly on her brother.
What hasn’t he lied about? The darkest part of her mind asks her, he lied about coming back, he lied about being there for you, he lied about visiting, he lied about staying in touch.
“Look, Gina,” Jamie starts, “first you have to realize why I did it, okay?”
“Did what?” Gina asks again, her voice growing louder. “What did you do?”
Her brother falls silent, looking everywhere but at her.
She can feel the anger course through her veins, because if there’s one thing she hates, it’s people not owning up to things. She looks at the Caswell family. “Do you know? Obviously, you do because you wouldn’t have brought him here, so what is it? What?” Mrs. Caswell’s hand reaches out, steady on her forearm, whispering comforting words that Gina doesn’t hear. “It clearly has to do with me, so tell me.”
E.J. clears his throat, stepping forward. It’s instinctive that she steps back. Not out of spite or to purposely hurt him because it’s E.J., she would never want to purposely hurt him, but she wants – needs – to protect herself in the way that he wasn’t able to. He flinches, like she physically wounded him, and Gina wants to cry all over again because maybe this is how they end, forever hurting each other. She thinks it would serve her right, considering that the reason she even knows E.J. is because last year she wanted to break Nini and Ricky up and she wanted the role of Gabriella.
God, this is her comeuppance for every shitty thing she’s ever done, isn’t it?
“He said that you saw me as a brother.” E.J. tells her quietly, facing her and not looking at his cousin, or aunt, or her brother, just at her, like she’s the only person in the room. “That you told your mom you were glad to have me in your life as a brother and I thought…I thought I misread…”
He trails off but she picks up his train of thought. “Everything. You thought you misread everything, so you were trying to protect yourself.” In the same way that she has always protected herself.
She turns to face her brother. “Why would you do that? Did…” she struggles to breathe, “did mom actually tell you that? Because I didn’t say that to her.” She looks at E.J., desperate to make him understand. “I didn’t say anything about a brother, I don’t think of you like a brother. I think…I like…you’re…”
E.J. steps forward, instantly grabbing her hand and interlacing his fingers with hers. “I know that now. I should have…I should have talked to you. I should have trusted you and us and…and…what we could be. I just…didn’t want to lose you.”
She can’t breathe. She can’t think. It’s like everything is closing in on her. It’s like everything is coming back to her; how she wanted to leave, Ricky and the heartbreak she felt from that, how she felt left behind, the pain of not having her mother, the pain of having a brother who cared more about his music and L.A. than her. It’s like she doesn’t have control of her own mind.
“G? G, look at me. Concentrate on me, okay?”
She can feel E.J.’s hand squeeze hers and she feels hands rub her back. She meets E.J.’s eyes, wide and worried, his voice calm as he tells her to breathe, in and out and she forgets that he’s talked her through her panic attacks before. She forgets that in her darkest and most vulnerable moments he’s been there, helping her and she can’t help but think how he could mistake any of that as brotherly.
“Is she okay?” Jamie asks and there is a part of Gina that is thrilled that he sounds worried for her and another part of her that wants to lash out that her well-being isn’t his concern.
“You sent her into a panic attack.” Ash snaps at him, coming back from the kitchen with a cup of cool water for her, as Mrs. Caswell continues to rub her back. “How do you think she is?”
“Ashlyn.” Mrs. Caswell admonishes. “That’s enough.”
“Can I talk to my brother alone?” Gina asks after drinking some water.
“Of course.” Mrs. Caswell says, as she gets off the couch and ushers her daughter into the kitchen.
E.J. gets up too, and Gina reluctantly let’s go of his hand, watching as it slowly comes back to his side.
“It’s okay.” She reassures him, answering his unasked question when he hesitates, tilting his head to the side. “I’m okay. I just need…I need answers. I’ll tell you everything later.”
He nods, gives her a small smile and then he’s gone, following his aunt and cousin.
When they’re out of sight, Gina turns to face her brother. “Why?”
He goes to sit down on the opposite end of the couch, but Gina holds up a hand to stop him. “You won’t be here long. There’s no need for you to sit down. So, just tell me why.”
She sees him gulp and sigh, his shoulders deflating. “Mom talked about how you were thriving here. How the Caswell’s loved you and how E.J…how you thought the sun set and rose on him. How he helped you and was there for you and I could…I could see how much mom loved him; you know? How my own mother and sister seemed to love this kid from fucking Salt Lake City more than their own family.”
“No.” Gina snarls, “you don’t get to do that. You don’t get to throw the people who we consider family in our faces. You left. You left. You made the decision to leave and never come back. I was a kid, Jamie. I was a fucking kid and you left. And you promised to visit but you never did. You promised to call, and you never did. You promised to let me come visit you in L.A. and that one-time mom and I were out there, you never showed. You left us.”
“I regret it, okay?” Jamie says, his voice pleading, tears pooling in his eyes. “Gigi –”
“Do not call me that.” She takes in a deep breath. “I looked for you.” She tells him, her voice breaking. “In every song that had your name printed on it. I looked for you at award shows on television. I watched interviews. I watched you claim celebrities as your family, and I never said a damn thing. I waited for months for you to come home. I can’t finish The Little Prince because that was the book we were reading together, remember? You broke my heart and yet I still looked for you. And I was…” she trails off, a sob caught in her throat. “I was so happy to see you tonight, even if it was just for a few minutes and…and…and what? In those few minutes you’re set on sabotaging my relationship? For what? Jealousy? That you might be replaceable in our lives?”
“I know his type, Gina, I see his type everywhere in L.A.”
“No.” Her voice is almost a yell, and she pauses, listening to see if anyone will come into the living room. She can hear some commotion from the other room and Mrs. Caswell’s voice through the walls telling E.J. to sit down, and she starts crying, because even rooms apart, even with walls between, even with misunderstandings, he’s still there for her. “You don’t know him at all.” She blinks and wipes her nose with the back of her hand. “You don’t know me at all.” She takes in a shuddering breath. “You owe me an apology. You owe E.J. an apology and after that…you can leave.”
“Gigi…please.”
Gina can feel her face crumple. “Just leave.”
“I’m sorry.” He whispers. “I was only trying to be your big brother.”
“How?” She sobs, her vision going blurry, “when you don’t even know how to be a big brother in the first place?”
He flinches like she slapped him, and it hurts, everything hurts.
“I’m sorry.” He repeats to her, a mantra that will echo in her mind for a long time.
He gives her one last look and turns away from her, headed towards the door, “I’m sorry, man.” Jamie says, his voice sounding so far away to her ears.
Gina doesn’t watch him go, and instead, she turns to E.J. who walks quickly towards her, ignoring Jamie and his apology and opens his arm. She falls into him, and he holds her tightly, whispering words that make no sense in her ears, but it doesn’t matter because she feels safe. Not entirely whole and she’s certain that she’s going to have trauma from this night, but she feels safe.
And maybe, for right now, that’s enough.
It’s almost ten-thirty pm, when Gina’s tears are gone, and replaced with a tired smile.
“I should get going.” E.J. says, not wanting to intrude, not wanting to mess things up anymore that he quite possibly already has. And God, he could hit himself for how stupid he was. How he instantly believed Jamie and didn’t talk to Gina.
He wonders how broken he is that his first response is, of course she doesn’t like me, why would she like me, instead of, I shouldn’t jump to conclusions.
He wonders how broken Gina is that she didn’t even question it when he said he didn’t want to go on the date.
He hates himself a little more when he thinks of what could have been had Ash not bulldozed her way into the situation.
Gina’s hand snaps out and grabs his hand, interlacing her fingers with his, and E.J. feels his breath catch. “Um…I know it’s late, but we have…we have the ingredients for risotto and ice cream for dessert. We can…I don’t know…maybe have our date?”
E.J. feels his heart speed up, he can feel the blush on his cheeks and the smile that threatens to stretch his mouth wide open. “Yeah. Yes. I would…I would love that.”
“And that is my cue to go upstairs.” Mrs. Caswell says, “I’ll message your uncle and let him know not to worry about you two cooking up a storm whenever he comes back home. And just clean up. E.J., sweetheart, you can stay the night.” She gives a warning glance. “In separate rooms.”
“Oh my god.” Ash says, pretending to puke. “I think I’m going to be ill.”
Gina blushes and E.J. sputters.
Mrs. Caswell cackles and leads Ash up the stairs. “You and I,” she says to Ash, “need to have a serious conversation about boundaries.” There’s a pause. “Also, can someone explain to me the fascination with risotto?”
When they can no longer hear his aunt and cousin, E.J. turns to look at Gina, who heads towards the fridge to get ingredients. “Looks like I’m staying.”
She gives him a look over her shoulder and it’s almost like a sense of déjà vu, a sense that he’s seen this particular scene before, them cooking in the middle of the night, with the fridge light illuminating her features, and she’s stunning in the glow, so stunning that it makes his breath catch and his palm sweat, and it makes him think that he could spend forever like this. That he wants to spend forever like this, always catching these little moments. “Yeah, you are.”
He thinks there’s a promise in there and it’s one that he makes readily. “I am.”