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Life never could be simple. You figured it never really was meant to. After all you’ve ever been through, you gathered as much. Yet you still hoped for there to be something simple to come to your life and there was.
Love.
The feeling was so simple, so pure and free that you barely recognized it at first. When you did, you buried it so deep inside that even archaeologists wouldn’t be able to locate it. Was it easier that way? No not really but it was better than dealing with the complications that would occur from loving Javier Peña.
There wasn’t love or even romantic attraction to Javier when you first met. At the time you just started a new assistant job at the DEA office in California where you met. He was polite. A little rough around the edges but you assumed that was just who he was.
Everything was professional. You gave him the files and documents he needed, he let you do what you had to without disturbance. It wasn’t easy by any means. The job was difficult enough with the photos you had to see everyday and such.
Then it got more difficult. Javier began to flirt with you on a random June morning. He called you “hermosa” and said you looked breathtaking. You would never admit it out loud but a fire stirred in you. Of course, you shrugged it off.
But that wasn’t the end of the compliments. Everyday he seemed to think of something new to use on you.
It began with your appearance. He would bring up how nice your hair looked or mention how your blouse looked good on you. Those compliments were easy enough to bat away. Javier wouldn’t have been the first man to find you attractive and you knew he surely wouldn’t be the last.
June turned to September in the blink of an eye and suddenly Javier’s compliments started to change as your partnership grew. The more you learned about each other, the more attached you got to him. He began telling you how much potential you had, how smart you were and how resourceful you could be at the right moment.
Those were the compliments that got under your skin. They crawled around and dug into the tender flesh on your heart, worming in there to make a space just for Javier. And it scared you. So you grabbed your bucket and tried to scoop out the water of your already sinking ship.
One year and a few months later, December rolled in again. Unlike where you were from, summer was just beginning in the Southern Hemisphere. Everyone was slightly more chipper in the office when the holidays got closer. Of course, the new lead on the case really helped stir the joy.
Javier was still his grumpy self though. If anything he seemed more on edge the last two weeks compared to how he usually was. You could only assume it was the new rookie agent they brought in.
His name was Trevor something (you couldn’t really remember his last name nor did you ever bother). He was competent enough. Got the job done. The only thing that really bugged you was him flirting with you constantly.
It wasn’t the same as Javier’s. While Javier’s washed over you in gentle waves, Trevor’s dumped over you like a pail of ice water. Though you ignored his flirtations for the most part, Trevor still continued on. Sometimes his hands would brush against your lower back as you walked past him. It took everything in you to not bat his hand away but alas, you had to keep professional.
The work day had ended slower than you would’ve liked and you watched as each of your coworkers filed out of the building. You waited only to notice that Javier hadn’t left yet. Curiosity got the better of you and you found yourself walking over to his office.
He sat there with a bottle of unopened whiskey next to him. His head was in his hands as he seemingly stared into space. You knocked on his door making him jolt his head over to you.
“You leaving?” You ask him. Javier just stares at you for a second before shaking his head and lifting up a file.
“Not yet, hermosa. Got some work to do.” He opens up the file before setting it down. You watched him pretend to read for a moment before you sighed. The click of your heels echoed in the quiet office.
“What’s wrong?” You set your hand in the middle of the paper, blocking off the text. He looked up with a raised eyebrow.
“Nothing.” You snort. “Seriously its nothing. Go home.” You moved your hands onto your hips, cocking one out. “Baby, I promise you that nothing’s bothering me other than this case. Go. Home.”
After a moment, you complied. You glanced over your shoulder one final time before exiting his office to grab your belongings. There was a sense of unease that settled over you that you tried to do your best to ignore. Javier was a grown man and he could easily take care of himself.
At least that’s what you kept trying to convince yourself. Instead you ended up in your apartment pacing a divet into your carpet before deciding to go back to the office after two hours. If he was still there, you would have a reason to worry. If not, you could just settle down for the night knowing he was fine.
You slipped on flats before leaving. The night was considerably colder than the day was and you wished you thought of bringing a cardigan with you when you left. It didn’t matter. The office was only three bus stops away from where you lived.
The elevator dinged announcing your presence. The lights in the reception were off as you passed through. In the past, you never noticed how creepy the offices were at night. Maybe you just never looked that hard into it or maybe it had to do with you being with a certain DEA agent that kept you from feeling unsafe.
At the end of the hallway, you could see light pouring out of Javier’s office. You sighed in disappointment. You paused for a moment to take a few deep breaths. Closing your eyes, you imagined everything that kept you calm.
The brush of Javier’s fingers over yours. The sound of rain falling against your windows. His morning crankiness that vanished when you gave him his coffee. Always black with a scoop of sugar. The way he called you “hermosa”.
You straightened your shoulders and opened your eyes. With purposeful strides, you walked into Javier’s office. What you saw bewildered you.
He was slumped over the desk, holding the now over half empty whiskey bottle in one hand while the other one ran through his mussed hair. His shirt was untucked from his pants, slightly rumpled. You couldn’t help but notice the slight flush to his skin and wonder what he would look like in other scenarios.
“Javi?” His head lolled over towards you. His eyes that were always on high alert were now blurry. “Are you drunk right now?” You watched as he leaned back into his seat and took a big gulp from the bottle. He didn’t even flinch at the burning.
“Maybe,” he slurred out. Rubbing your face to calm down, you walked over to him and snatched the bottle out of his hands before he could take another sip. “No-“
“What’s gotten into you?” You cut him off harshly. You knew you should handle the situation calmer. After all, who knew what kind of drunk Javier was? It didn’t matter in the end though.
Javier kept reaching for the bottle you held behind until he gave up and rested his head on your chest. He wrapped his arms around you tightly to keep you in place. At first he just simply breathed you in. Then he began to nuzzle into you like a cat. It was actually kind of sweet to find out he might be a lovey dovey drunk.
“You’re so beautiful,” he mumbled into you. “The most beautiful.” Gently setting the bottle down, you began to run your hands through his already messy hair. He let out a content sigh and pulled you closer to him. You now stood between his spread legs but unlike the many fantasies you had of this moment, fire didn’t threaten to consume you.
Instead, serenity filled your veins and seeped through every pore in your body. Javier practically consumed it, not that you minded. After awhile you could feel him start to sag against you. You pulled his head back so he could look at you. His eyes fluttered open and the lights in the office reflected so beautifully in them. For a moment you forgot about what brought you here or why you were in his arms. All that mattered was how he looked up at you like you were a savior of some kind.
“You’re too good for me.” Javier reached up to run his fingers gently across your cheek. Your breath hitched. “You deserve so much better than me.” His hand dropped down to your hip as he continued to look up at you.
“What are you talking about?” You smoothed out the crease between his eyebrows. His face noticeably relaxed.
“You’re a damn angel. You deserve him, he’s a good kid.” Now you were truly confused.
“Sweetheart,” you held his head up by his chin. “Who do I deserve?”
“The rookie.”
“Trevor?” He hummed back his confirmation. “What made you think I ever wanted him?”
Javier’s eyes fluttered closed. Under the fluorescent lights, his eyelashes casted shadows onto his cheek bones. For once in the entire time you have known him, he looked at peace. There were no jitters of his hand or constant puffing of a cigarette. There was just an otherworldly calm to him. It killed you to have to break it.
“Do you think there is something going on between me and Trevor?” He opens his eyes and they seem to be glosser then before.
“Yea,” he replied simply. You sighed out of your nose before holding onto the sides of his face to make sure you have his attention.
“I will not repeat myself.” He nodded. “There is and will always be nothing between Trevor and me.” Javier just nodded again. The moment you let go of his face, he buried into your chest again. For safety? For comfort? You have no idea but you couldn’t lie to yourself.
Having Javier so close to you and so vulnerable tore open the flimsy thread that kept you closed. All of that affection, all of that love you kept hidden particularly exploded out of you like an eruption.
You knew you should stop talking to him about it. He was drunk. There was a possibility he didn’t even know what he was talking about. Yet there was that saying that rang through your head. “Drunk words are sober thoughts.” You bit your lip and contemplated the morality of questioning a drunk man.
“Why would it matter if there was something between me and Trevor?” Javier’s arms wrapped around you tighter and he mumbled his response into your skin. “I didn’t hear you.” He pulls away with a huff.
“You’re letting him flirt and touch you all over,” he practically whined. “And he’s your age and an innocent. He doesn’t have any blood on his hands yet-“ You noticed that he was staring into the middle of your chest while he began rambling. It was hard to tell if he even knew he was talking to you right now or himself. You cut him off by softly saying his name. His eyes snap up to yours. There are unshed tears there. “I’ll hurt you like I hurt everything I’ve ever loved.”
Instantly, you tensed. Did he just imply that he loved you? The room suddenly felt like it was beginning to close in. That familiar sinking sensation began to pull your heart down as your breathing increased.
You closed your eyes and imagined everything that kept you calm.
Sunday mornings in bed. Javier’s eyes under the lights, how they reflected back his soul. His face pressed into your chest. That stupid woven blanket Javier got you as a secret Santa gift because he didn’t know what else to get.
Once the feeling faded, you looked back at Javier who watched you with drunken interest. He cupped your face in his large hands and stroked your cheekbones. Based off his expression alone, you could see the love. He was so unguarded, so free to express. It hurt.
“Do you love me?” You shouldn’t have asked. It was better left unsaid but you needed to know.
“Yes.” He didn’t hesitate. One of his hands moved to play with your hair, the other gently cupping your cheek. You watched as he seemingly tried to memorize every detail of your face. If only he knew you were doing the same.
“Jesus Christ, Javi,” you whined out. Pulling back from him, you covered your face in your hands and tried to piece yourself together. A large part of you wished he had said no. It would’ve hurt, sure, but it would’ve been so much simpler to deal with a mending heart than whatever this was.
“Do…” You peeked through your fingers to look at Javier. He sniffled as a new set of tears started to fill his eyes. “Do you not love me?”
“That’s not it.” Grabbing one of his hands, you made sure he focused on you. “That’s not it at all.” A tear slid down his cheek.
“You don’t love me.” More tears began to fall. “I know I’m not perfect but I promise I could do better, will do better.” He clutched onto your hand like a lifeline. “Please.”
“Javi-“
“Tell me you love me.” He insisted.
“Javi-“ You tried to reason with him again.
“Please, tell me you love me.” His hands moved from yours and onto your hips to pull you closer to him again. Without much thought, you reached up to wipe his tears away. His eyelids fluttered at your touch.
“You won’t even remember,” you whispered to him. He mumbled back something akin to a “I don’t care” as he turned his face to pepper your palm in kisses. You watched as he adored your palm in a type of unadulterated love you never felt before. God did it hurt. “I do love you-“ his eyes met yours again. “I really do but we shouldn’t be together.”
He frowned instantly. “Why?”
“There’s too many things that could go wrong. I don’t want something so beautiful turn ugly because you let your past consume you.”
“That wouldn’t-“
“You already did with thinking I was too good for you.” You cut him off before he could lie to you. “I know how that mind of yours works, Javi, and if you really want something between us to be stable, you need to see someone.”
A silence settled over you two as he contemplated. You wish it was easier. That he could just ask you out and then, boom, you two were in a happy relationship but you already knew. A healthy relationship wasn’t going to happen unless Javier got professional help. Not the help he usually sought in women, beer and cigarettes.
“Think it over,” you said to him softly before guiding him to stand. “We have time. Let’s just get you home.”
The way to his apartment was longer than it would’ve been due to his stumbling. There was a silence that hung over you. A type of tension that a simple tug from either side would start to unravel the jumble of emotions you two felt. Yet you didn’t bother to tug at it and Javier was too drunk to notice.
Once he was passed out on his bed (after trying to convince you to cuddle him), you left his apartment. The events ran through your mind in a loop. It didn’t truly feel real even though it was. Everything felt like It happened behind a mesh veil of some sort.
With a sigh, you fell asleep in your own bed planning on what to do when tomorrow came and Javier somehow remembered.
Tomorrow came, then the next day and then the next day with no indiction that Javier remembered what had happened. He was back to his normal self. You should’ve been glad. Truthfully, you didn’t want to have that conversation with him but you also couldn’t help but feel… sad?
You tried your best to ignore the unconscious rejection from his side but as the days turned into weeks, you couldn’t help but wonder if they truly were just drunken words. Javier didn’t seem as grumpy toward the rookie anymore. If anything, there was a hint of humor in his eyes whenever the kid was around.
Trevor had continued to try to flirt with you but a week after Javier’s confession, you managed to turn him down in a way that left no room for discussion. Part of you hoped maybe that was the reason Javier didn’t seem to mind him anymore but there were too many things happening at once to prove that theory.
Evidently, everything carried on in their own version of mundane. The only difference for you was no longer the worry of love overflowing but the ever growing tear in your chest. How does one hide heartbreak from the person who broke their heart if the person doesn’t know they did it in the first place?
Christmas rolled in and the yearly secret Santa commenced. You had gotten another assistant a few cookbooks she had mentioned wanting and in return an agent you had talked to a few times before got you cheesy mug. The party itself was held in the office with a bunch of sweets and snacks brought in by the others in the office.
It was joyful. At least it was supposed to be. Javier was there, smiling along with the others. He seemed to enjoy himself as you watched him from afar. Unconsciously over the past few weeks, you had started to drift away from him. The space was supposed to help you heal. It didn’t.
He never seemed to notice anyways. Go figure.
You didn’t realize you had zoned out while staring at Javier until he suddenly made eye contact with you. Quickly, you looked away, afraid he would somehow read your thoughts. In the corner of your eye you could see him excuse himself and begin walking toward you. You didn’t have much a plan but you knew you didn’t want to talk to him so you downed your drink and walked toward the restroom.
Once safely inside, you closed your eyes and thought of everything that kept you calm.
The smell of your mom’s cooking. The pile of stuffed animals you accumulated over the years. Javier’s real smile, not the fake one he used to try to butter people up. The way Javier would holster his gun into the back of his pants.
When your breathing slowed, you opened the bathroom door only to find Javier leaning against the wall across from it. You two stared at each other for a while before he sighed. He reached out, gently wrapping his hand around your wrist before pulling you along. You willingly followed him.
You passed the party and the reception, walked past the elevator to go up the staircase. Silence filled the journey. Each step upwards seemed to grow heavier and heavier until the moment you both reached the roof.
The view was gorgeous. Golden hour had just began as clouds slowly drifted by. The adjacent buildings were slowly emptying with other nine-to-fivers. Cars zoomed by. Not a single other person seemed to noticed the way the city was bathed in a beautiful filter nor did they care.
You turned to see if Javier was seeing the world similarly only for your breath to hitch. He was already looking at you with a genuine half smile. His eyes trained solely on your face as you took in the way the golden light enhanced all of his features. His hand jittered a bit.
“Why did you bring me up here?” You asked him, voice quieter than usual and barely audible over the wind.
“Two reasons,” he said as he reached into his back pocket. “A gift.” Javier handed you a small, poorly wrapped box. You stared at him, mouth agape as your mind tried to process what was happening. “Open it, hermosa.”
So you did. The wrapping was held together with a single strip of scotch tape. You unwrapped it slowly and carefully to reveal a small velvet box. Glancing at him for a second, you cracked the case open. Inside was a beautiful silver ring with a pink gemstone in the center.
“Do you like it?” Javier asked, forcing your eyes back to him. He twisted his hands together as he waited for you to respond.
“Yes but… why?”
“Because it’s my promise to you.”
“Promise?” You asked bewildered. “Promise of what?”
“Of getting better. Getting help.” He shrugged like it was nothing. “You asked for me to see a professional so I have and I want you to know that no matter what, it’s you that I want.”
Closing your eyes, you imagined everything that kept you calm. Halloween in your old neighborhood. The kids playing soccer in the field by your apartment. Javier’s voice. The way he gentle grabbed your hand just now.
You looked up at him with a smile and tears in your eyes. “You wonderful man,” you said as you caressed his cheek. “How could I not fall in love with you?”
“I did good then?” Javier asked as he placed his hands on your hips. You nodded, looping your arms around his neck.
“So good.” Finally after too long, you pressed your lips against Javier’s for the first time.
People say when you kiss the person you love it feels like electricity or butterflies. It didn’t feel like that. Kissing Javier felt like coming home. It felt like drinking water after a drought or the first sighting of clear skies after a terrible storm. It felt like a miracle and a cure as well as comfort and longing.
He kissed you as though you were the only one. Javier devoured your lips, hands holding you tightly against as though he could fuse you to him. When he pulled away, you pressed your forehead against his, trying to calm your breathing.
Instead of closing your eyes, you opened them and saw everything that kept you calm.