Work Text:
Encore un matin où tu pars
La porte se referme et tu ne reviens que ce soir
Tu ne laisses qu'une tache dans mes draps
C'est l'effet sur ma vie que tu as
A breath. Nothing left for Minsoo to say. He's already left his house, he's left him stranded alone in the place he's most familiar with. Minsoo does not entirely feel at home whenever he's here. There's a dangerous ignorance whenever he's here. The window does not filter the light the same way whenever he's here. Does Minsoo even look at his room whenever he's here? All he's focused on is kissing every part of the man he's been in love with for years. A couple, right. There's nothing reminiscing of a couple here. Only sheets Minsoo will have to wash until he has to wash them again tomorrow. It's always been like that. They're a couple for night hours, long night hours, sometimes during the day they will eat together, go downtown, have fun with friends. Yes, they feel like a couple – if not for the distance they always put between each other. Minsoo did not, at first. It was a reflex he caught from him, nothing else. He would keep him close if he could, he would hold his hand and feel his arm, he would be jealous of every other person that he looks at with an eager gaze. Lately, there's been no one to look at. Probably because there is this other guy. Is he a fool, a victim too, or a player? Does Minsoo run up to him, panicked, half-crying, or on the contrary, does he come up to this other guy calm and tell him that he's been played, the both of them, by the same man?
He's already left for today. Minsoo almost does not get up. He has a ton of things to do today. He shouldn't think about this man who shares his bed more than he shares his life. A sigh. Is it worth it to continue like this? What's the point in going on if there's no one happy, when they could both be happy in different ways? Ah, no thinking of him, or else it'll go for hours on end. He's not here anymore, why bother. Minsoo barely woke up before he heard the door close and words almost escaped his mouth. He wouldn't be heard, behind a closed door, to closed ears, for a closed heart. There's nothing to salvage in this dynamic, there's only bearing it. Minsoo bears it, not to his liking. He's still attached to him.
Wooseok has that power, the power to make Minsoo a desiring man each time, the power to give him the best for a night and leave him miserable for the day.
Je sais, j'ai les flots de la veille
Dans mon sang, ça m'apaise
Ce va-et-vient que tu fais
Je le sais que tu vis entre lui et moi
Why did he come by, this night just today, by the way? They were out with friends. Things got rowdy, things got too fast, once more, things ended up in kisses on Minsoo's bed, and way more behind that. So much for "making up for last time", Wooseok. They always get drunk, they always drown it in that devilish solution. Are they so unbearable to each other that a calm mind is not enough for attraction? Was there even a point in their history where they both shared a look, a memory, a song, a scent, where they both liked each other properly? A scent, surely, the scent of perfume, that Minsoo bought in hopes to keep Wooseok in his arms for more than five seconds upon meeting him for the first time today, the scent of clothes that Minsoo bought so he can feel confident and make Wooseok look at him more than with a passing peek, then the scent of alcohol which gets poured down their throats quickly, followed by the scent of sweat, followed by Minsoo's own scent, alone in his house, too grey for a raining day. They both know that it's going to end up like this tonight again. In the meantime, Minsoo will work, go to his company, work with the main architects who are training him, and Wooseok will work at whichever job he has, if he has one, then go straight to that other man's house. Almost every day looks like this. Minsoo does not know of Wooseok more than his name and his age, how long he lasts, the breakfasts and dinners he prefers, and one or two anecdotes he's constantly repeating to their friends whenever they're out – which isn't a lot already. Wooseok does not know of Minsoo more than his name, his age, where his house is, where to bite him when they're at it, and how he smiles whenever he's not looking grief-stricken during daytime. At nighttime, though, it seems like they're made for each other. A lie that is seen through by any blind person easily. Wooseok craves for that other man daily. Wooseok needs that other man. Wooseok is not made for Minsoo, Minsoo is not made for Wooseok, but one of them would want it to change.
Minsoo is no imbecile. He knows that there won't be anything for him in the end. He knows Wooseok likes this other man's company, some nights, a lot of nights, too many nights. What's his name again? Minsoo heard Wooseok talk to him on the phone, on some occasions. "I'll be there tomorrow, Yein-ah." The casualness is enough for Minsoo to know it's no one else. Whoever this Yein is, Wooseok loves spending time at his place, loves talking to him on the phone right after Minsoo and him are finished. Minsoo is no imbecile. All the signs are there. Wooseok comes and goes, leaves and arrives, in perpetuating motion, never stable, always ready to do more than expected, always, ironically, delivers less. This dynamic is almost unbreakable. It would take Minsoo but a phone call, simple words, a faded "We're done" in the vastness of the air, a door that Minsoo would close, barring him from his life. He's allowed it all to happen but can decide the end of it as well.
Mais tu y retourneras, et ce sera la dernière fois
Que mon cœur fera partie de ton plan à trois
Mais quand tu seras sur lui, et que tu penseras à moi
Ton triangle amoureux je ne m'en lasserai pas
Is it really cheating if it's known by both – all – parties and no one decries it? After all, Wooseok loves talking to Minsoo on the phone right after Yein and him are finished, Wooseok loves spending time at Minsoo's place. For Minsoo, it's a routine that's inscribed in his daily life like any other else. Does it bother him? A lot, yes, he feels as though he is lacking in this relationship. He's not lacking in any aspect that Wooseok in interested in, in what Wooseok defines as the relationship. There's only comfort in the other's arms, playful talk, desire, greed, but no more, no less. Minsoo seeks Wooseok's arms on a day where he screws up at work, on a day where he wants cuddles before a movie, on days that are ordinary for anyone and everyone. But Wooseok would never allow it. If they ever ended up spending an entire day together, they would both tire the other out, intentionally or not. They address the other's physical needs, the emotional ones are never mentioned. Ironic, seeing how much Wooseok needs his daily dose of Minsoo or else he would go mad, unfulfilled.
Minsoo, still not dressed up in his bed that is large enough for two, smiles. He knows Wooseok more deeply than someone would think. So what if he only remembers his birthday the day before, he loves pleasing the younger one on that day in a special way, as they do on some occasions, and what if he forgets the other day? What if he knows what Wooseok craves more than anything at night, what if he doesn't know his favourite song genre, since they do it on the same ones almost exclusively, what if he's not familiar with Wooseok as a person? Minsoo has a grip on Wooseok, more powerful than Wooseok thinks it is, if he ever acknowledges it at all.
After all, who does Wooseok come back to each night, after or even before seeing the other guy? With whom has this been going on all this time, when Wooseok only had one person by his side, one person to satisfy what he needs on the quasi-daily? Why would he come back if he shows distaste in Minsoo's personality when they're out with common friends, who do not fail to notice that Wooseok's hand is always near Minsoo's, and that the younger one always looks like he's about to devour the man who never fails to repel Wooseok enough to make the both of them desire the other more at night?
Minsoo only needs to know that Wooseok thinks of him before or after, or even during, with this other guy. Hence his smiles, the satisfaction he takes in knowing he's irreplaceable in the eyes of someone who barely considers him anything more than a one night stand, a night that keeps on going, and going, and going, an endless loop. A loop disturbed by the arrival of that Yein but which never disrupts the course of the events. Wooseok needs Minsoo more than he needs Yein, as Minsoo isn't an idiot and knows when Wooseok has been somewhere else – somewhere that is Yein's place, or maybe Wooseok's, do the details really matter? Whichever it is, Wooseok doesn't carry that feeling, that gut-wrenching feeling, and that scent yet unknown, the almost infidelity, all the time back at Minsoo's. But Minsoo's scent is all over Wooseok, all the time, every day or almost – they need rest, sometimes.
Ton plan à trois
Oh non, je ne m'en lasserai pas
Ton plan à trois
Oh non, je ne m'en lasserai pas
They need the other more than they want.
Mes pensées vacillent vers la peur
Tes mensonges m'habitent et je n'y vois que des leurres
Tu danses de plus belle dans ses bras
Je ne fais que marcher dans ses pas
Yet what is this feeling Minsoo can't help but feel at all times when Wooseok isn't there? A heart break that has annihilated any other feeling every day. There's this need, almost instinctual need to have Wooseok by his side. Most of the days, they manage to not show more emotion than needed, they never reveal their intentions – unless they're drunk and ready to go down the non-romantic road. Romance is maybe not involved at all, though Minsoo feels it somehow in his heart, in his soul, that the abnormality in his life is what he holds in his being for Wooseok. So whenever Minsoo first expressed any feeling, any question to Wooseok, "am i really the only one?", the latter always answered "yes, minsoo, you are". Bullshit. If Minsoo was the only one, then they would meet up more often than they already do, they would not hold the other in contempt from time to time, not in that way. There's contempt, there's anger whenever one of the two doesn't feel like it, but in this relationship so unique to them, not wanting to share the one thing that ties them together, figuratively and literally, renders no meaning to that laced red ribbon that holds them together; a sharp and neat cut then separates them for a while, until one or the other, never proud, reaches out to the other, and the ribbon is strengthened once more, in an effort to consolidate their mutual desire.
Did Wooseok really tie himself to another man, enveloped in two colours, two worlds, silk and lace, or is he tied to that Yein with simple fabric, with a single string of cotton, ever so soft in the carnal nights they have? Or is he playing with Minsoo, is he inducing jealousy in the only man that trusts him enough to see him come back every other night, in a malicious game of love?
More and more, lately, it's as if Minsoo is nothing more than a puppet for Wooseok to toy with. Why does he not suffice when he gave Wooseok his all each time he saw him? Even when they pretend to be together for the sake of appearances in front of their friends, who are not fools but perpetuate the tragic comedy in the name of something, appearances again, or fear to bring discord into their friend group – which they don't have the time or envy for –, even when they look like they are a functioning couple, something feels off for everyone around them. Long before Yein, it was somewhat like that, albeit the uneasiness was from their lack of romantic behaviour when they were supposed to be smitten. Nowadays, uneasiness comes in the form of Wooseok teasing Minsoo, of lightly telling him what to do or not, how he looks better in an outfit he hated before, all of that with a smile, a sly and devious smile. Minsoo doesn't care a lot for these, as long as Wooseok can be happy enough in the false image they put out to the world, still it bothers him that it began right when Yein started getting involved with Wooseok, within a week or two, surely. How long has it been since Minsoo noticed, how long has it been since he stopped caring (which he obviously still does, despite what he tells himself), how long has it been since Minsoo is the shadow of that over man? For all he know, Wooseok could be toying with them both, but from Wooseok's words on the phone, the rare times (are they so rare if it's enough for Minsoo to know details?) when he phones Yein, it seems like Wooseok is more focused on what Yein wants, which doesn't seem a lot, but Wooseok is happy to oblige, happy to provide, happy to provide whatever emotion or feeling Yein is yearning for. Yein is often heard telling Wooseok that he doesn't want Wooseok to see anyone else now, that they should be together again, with no one else in sight; and Wooseok reassures him, though Minsoo knows he either agreed without hearing Yein, or he simply doesn't care; but the fact is that Wooseok lies to the both of them (his lying still a hidden truth everyone pretends not to be aware of), but privileges Yein, or so it feels to Minsoo.
And it makes Minsoo fearful. What if he's the other man, not Yein? What if he gets put in the background, fated to watch the man he still holds feelings for seek refuge in another man's arms, another man who has failed to offer what Wooseok needed for all this time? Why is Minsoo suddenly caught up in this when he's been all that Wooseok ever needed?
Minsoo got up, finally. All of that thinking does him no good, whether for his work, or for his general mental state. Why, Wooseok, why do you have that power, why do we look like magnets, once opposing, once clasping our bodies together until we have had enough, 'enough' lasting for mere hours?
Je sens les effluves de la veille
Qui délaissent mes conseils
Ce va-et-vient que l'on trace
Tu le sais, j'en marre de lui et toi
A step, a second. Minsoo almost falls. God, his head hurts way too much. Just how much did they drink yesterday? Why must they look so irresponsible each time, when their matters of heart look of importance to each, yet they fail to address them always? Alcohol does him no good, that is for sure. That is why he shouldn't listen to his heart in these moments. Though alcohol is not the one to blame for Minsoo's feelings. Wooseok is the only one Minsoo sees, the only one he wants to smile for, the only one he will invite to dances, whether waltzes at a formal event in the high spheres of society, or sensual dances in a bar in front of everyone; the one whom he'd dedicate all of his nights to if not for that damn job of his, the one who never fails to make him happy, even for fleeting hours that resemble each other more or less, the one who's been by his side almost every day, even if not in a traditional supportive way. Minsoo knows that the limits he told himself to respect come loose once his soul is filled with liquor and Wooseok looks more than eager to dance in their bed rather than in a club. Maybe it's the same with Wooseok, then? Maybe he has a threshold, a pushing point, and maybe past that comes that something that makes him look at Minsoo like a predator looks at their prey, but before that, he won't push for anything? Is this when he goes to see that other guy, or does he feel that same urge to tangle himself in Yein's arms as soon as he sees him? Wooseok does not reel of alcohol once he comes to Minsoo. He comes to him both more desiring than the last time they did it and less attracted to Minsoo than ever. As if Minsoo's face did not matter anymore, except for when Wooseok faces him in the mirror, along with seeing how the silk robe Minsoo sometimes wears compliments him. Other than that, lately, it's looking like… a routine. A boring routine. He's not used to that. Not anymore. He was used to it once, before Wooseok came into his life, one day where they simply met, spent a night, then another, and another, and again, and again, and again, and again again again again again. Again, until today, until tomorrow, and all the days after that, if they never put a stop to it. Minsoo wants it to stop, somehow. This routine he despises so much looks way calmer and less troubling than dealing with whichever game Wooseok has in mind for them to play. A one-sided game for a one-sided love. He wishes that he had done something for Wooseok to never turn away from him, he wishes to hold him forever in the palm of his hand, render Wooseok unable to see anyone but him – which has worked this far, alas.
Minsoo knows that he drinks so he forgets all the insecurities he withholds secretly in his heart for Wooseok to never hear. Minsoo knows that it's not healthy, that whether physically or mentally, he's fucked, that he can't keep on going on like this. It's not like he's a heavy drinker, he's somewhat of a lightweight, but the quicker he goes from worrying about everyone else surrounding him in a club to kissing Wooseok passionately without anyone's stares (some are okay too, when they're feeling shameless), the better Minsoo feels. Drinking to forget he thinks about Wooseok so he can think more about Wooseok, how ironic. Yet it's how all this time Minsoo has been. And now, he drinks to forget the other man, whose face he doesn't even know, whose attitude towards Wooseok, maybe towards Minsoo as well is a mystery. So that this Yein can never exist, so that Wooseok can exist all for Minsoo to lay upon the next time he needs to relieve stress and just love, love Wooseok how Wooseok wants to be loved, love Wooseok like Minsoo loves him – intermittently.
Minsoo wants Wooseok for himself, as selfish as it sounds, as desperately love-struck naïve it looks, Minsoo hates that the lace the both of them tied themselves to is coming loose, that they have such a hard time simply being together in the same bed anymore; except when it comes to nighttime and its ease to make their problems go away. Minsoo would offer everything for things to go back to before Yein, before this one man wrecked it all. Even if it's not Yein's fault, Minsoo would not hold Wooseok accountable – what relationship should he base themselves on to tell Wooseok off? They do not have one. Or if they do, it's purely for their own pleasure, not for the sake of some synergy that at least one of them longs for. Maybe the problem is Minsoo, maybe the problem is Wooseok, maybe both, or none, and it's time to go to work, Minsoo is going to be late, he quickly dresses up, grabs his keys and leaves for the day.
Mais tu y retourneras, et ce sera la dernière fois
Que mon cœur fera partie de ton plan à trois
Mais quand tu seras sur lui, et que tu penseras à moi
Ton triangle amoureux je ne m'en lasserai pas
They're back in Minsoo's bed tonight. It's later than the usual time, but Minsoo's thoughts are too much all over the place for him to think properly. All he can think about is how Wooseok's body feels against his own, how they look at each other each time they lock eyes, how everything is perfect when Wooseok is here, kissing his neck and holding his hips. Minsoo loves it all, and Wooseok loves it more, and they both feel provocative and ecstatic, until they stop and stay in silence against each other once more. Wooseok still has this scent that is probably from Yein's place, or simply Yein. Whichever it is, Minsoo's thoughts can only focus on it once the euphory has taken him off seventh heaven. Which is why Minsoo slowly straightens up in their bed and gives Wooseok a look that says what Wooseok wants to hear. This is the fascination Minsoo loves to see in Wooseok's eyes. This one look alone suffices for Wooseok to go wild for Minsoo again, despite whatever happened in Wooseok's first half of the night. Minsoo feels as though everything is right again. They're together tonight, once more.
But the burning iced words cannot linger on Minsoo's lips for too long, before in a movement he whispers to Wooseok, "mine", and both know that it's true. Not entirely, but just for tonight, and maybe the next one, and hundreds of ones after that – maybe that is enough. But for Minsoo, knowing Wooseok comes back to him after everything and everyone he goes through, it's enough.
Ton plan à trois
Oh non, je ne m'en lasserai pas
Ton plan à trois
Oh non, je ne m'en lasserai pas
In another reconciliation after today's erratic thoughts by the both of them, in another embrace, in another kiss, and a hickey, and much more beyond that, they find the comfort to the pain they inflict on each other – like a circle, neither vicious nor virtuous, of hurting to love more, of loving to hurt more, and neither of them will cease to entertain the ever-looping laced silk ribbon that unites them, nor the alcohol's effect on their self-respect or repressed desire. Both powerful, both impuissant, both caring for the other in the only way they know that is the tempo-changing dance they flawlessly achieve. Minsoo, even if not content with the situation at hands, lets it all go tonight again. Wooseok is too busy with him to think about anything else that is how he will make Minsoo give his all for him. Tomorrow will be another day of worrying whether Yein's scent is all over Wooseok, only for Minsoo to replace it with his own; another day of waiting until Wooseok calls him for drinks; another day for Wooseok to feel shackled by his own handcuffs before he hurries up to kiss Minsoo. Minsoo, in the middle of their sensual choreography, breathes "you will stay mine", taking all of Wooseok into his soul, letting him know that they are all involved in this two-wayed threeway, and Wooseok smiles, that sly smile of his, and accepts Minsoo as part of him once more. What a weird and ironic situation, filled by deceit that originates from love. What a weird situation, that they're living, the two of them, by adding someone else and burdening themselves with the thoughts, this time the three of them, of how will everything will go one this way. Tomorrow Minsoo will be left alone once more and be anxious all day, tomorrow Wooseok will keep on living the life he wants at the expense of three lives, tomorrow Yein will wait before he knows if Wooseok wants his entrée before he gets to the most expensive part of the menu.
The three of them, ruined by the two of them, all resented by one of them. Minsoo will keep on hoping that Wooseok never leaves – and with the amount of times Wooseok comes back, he will have to hope for a long time. What if instead Minsoo took part in that game of his?
One day Wooseok will wake up and with a breath, miss the departure of last night's lover, right after he closes the door before leaving, and Wooseok will only be able to sigh. When nighttime comes, sighs and breaths will be from the both of them – but before that, Wooseok will have to think like Minsoo thought about their unique plan à trois.