Work Text:
Alone
Why do you make me feel so alone? Every time you’re near me I know that you are the only one who can ever truly safe me. Safe me from my hidden doubts, my worries, my solitude.
You have a habit of leaving me just when I think that everything is fine. You just walk away, smiling, feigning, and I am all by myself again.
And yet, I only ever feel truly alone when you sit next to me on the roof, both of us skipping work again, when we walk home together, chatting peacefully. Because it is then that I realise that I can never reach you. Even I, having known you for so long, cannot see behind the mask I know you were building ever since we became shinigami.
You seal yourself off, hiding behind that false smile I’m so familiar with and yet not able to read. Closing your eyes, so that no one can see your true face, who you are. And I am beginning to think that even you don’t know anymore. You’ve lost yourself. I know it, because sometimes I catch you opening your eyes ever so slightly and I see a glimpse of loneliness, an aching despair and above all: overwhelming hatred. It frightens me. And then I doubt I ever knew you at all. That’s why I wish so bad I could understand you. If only I could fathom your feelings, I’m sure we could make things work.
But you don’t let me. You turn away and smile. And I don’t understand.
And it makes me sad. Every moment we share is bittersweet and full of mourning joy. I like to be with you, simply enjoying your company. It has become rare and I cherish these precious reunions, pretending that everything is back to normal and you and I happy. But at the same time I know that nothing is okay, that you will leave me again. And it hurts. It hurts so much to be near you and simultaneously so far away. I want to help you, to shake you and scream at you, to take your hand and beg you until you stop smiling and open your eyes to look at me. Until you let that horrible façade fall and be honest, just for once.
Not being able to tell what you’re thinking, know what you’re feeling, tears me apart. And inwardly I cry and weep, but for you I smile. I guess, I’m no better than you, but I can’t help it. I just don’t know what to do anymore. I tried to talk to you, but you smile and smile and lie and pretend and I feel so helpless.
I tried to hate you, because it would make things easier. I wouldn’t have to fall over and over again into that despair when you leave and I would have something I could concentrate on, but I can’t.
Why? I don’t know. Maybe because I love you, …Gin.