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Hizashi didn’t know where he was.
He was slowly coming back to his senses, his consciousness clear but at the same time felt crooked and wrong. Hizashi felt fuzzy, like he was on the brink of falling unconscious and his vision blurred and obscured.
“Shouta?” was the first thing he called out into the blurriness, though no one answered. His voice, too, sounded thick and soft to his ears, like spoken underwater.
Suddenly the reality started taking form, shifting from a blurry, black mass into forms. He was sitting on a couch, the material feeling familiar under his fingertips, as did the room he found himself in.
Hizashi finally felt his limbs moving, letting him out of the stiff tension he had been captured in. His eyes tracked the room again, to look for any reminders of where he was or what he had been doing.
The room was plain, a living room, judging from the couch, coffee table and tv. It looked untouched, uninhabited for a while.
When Hizashi looked again, he noticed that the room was beginning to fill with stuff: books, CDs, pictures on the walls, empty plates and takeout boxes. They looked like they were changing and moving in Hizashi’s vision and he needed to blink a few times to see what place they took.
When Hizashi again opened his eyes, the coffee table was now filled with newspapers, some crumpled and torn apart. Hizashi tried to read them but somehow the words didn’t register in his mind. On the floor were CDs and vinyls, broken and scratched, and dirty plates, much like the ones Hizashi had laid out for him and his partner tonight.
Oh, right. This was Shouta’s living room, he had been visiting his boyfriend just a while ago, though he couldn’t tell how much time had passed.
The rest of his memories of the day were still drawing blank.
The room was eerily quiet and unmoving, lacking the comfort and liveliness of Shouta’s home. Hizashi felt a heavy blanket of loneliness, sadness and anticipation falling onto the silent room, though he soon noticed that he wasn’t completely alone. When he turned to look at the couch again, he saw a man with long, black hair sitting beside him.
Shouta.
Hizashi didn’t dare to speak again, as he slowly moved his body on the couch to look at his partner. But even as Hizashi became closer and closer, Shouta didn’t seem to notice him.
As the silence went on, Hizashi felt like he was getting more and more of his senses into his own control, and the more his confusion grew.
Shouta still hadn’t said anything, not even looked at Hizashi and barely blinked on his seat. Hizashi kept observing him, his mind growing more and more restless, fists clenching for Shouta to see him.
He moved closer, carefully, his shoulder almost touching the other man’s. He felt like he needed to pull Shouta out of his trance, to get his attention to him. Shouta was right next to him, but felt so far away, in another reality to his partner.
Hizashi reached his hand for Shouta’s cheek but before he touched the skin, Shouta’s eyes suddenly snapped to something in the room, quickly getting Shouta up to his feet.
To Hizashi’s increasing confusion, he saw himself walk into the room, or appear, more like?
But even Hizashi himself looked different in this room, taller maybe? His hair looked longer and skin paler, like he was glowing in the dim room. And Shouta’s eyes were fixated on the low glow.
“I can’t do this anymore, Shouta.” The other Hizashi was rubbing his temples his with fingers, sighing deeply and furrowing his brows as he spoke, his voice vibrating through the room like on a speaker.
Shouta had stood up, a few meters away from the other Hizashi, and he seemed to be listening but not responding.
“I can’t keep guessing what you think.” This Hizashi continued. “We’ve talked about this so many times. I try to tell you what my feelings are, what I want or need from you. I try to be open and honest, as much as I can, but I can’t do it for the both of us.”
Hizashi felt a strange sense of déjà vu, still unable to voice where the feeling was coming from. He felt like this Hizashi was taking the words from his mouth, using his voice.
Had he said these words out loud, before?
“Do you know how it makes me feel, to always be left in the dark? I feel useless, unwanted. Like I don’t matter to you. Like you- you are just fine on your own.” The words were desperate from the doppelganger’s mouth, but his posture spoke otherwise. He was squirming uncomfortably, rolling his eyes and huffing, like he wasn’t interested in his own words.
It felt wrong, Hizashi felt like he should’ve been crying, had been crying that night when-
The fight.
He and Shouta had had a fight. And for some reason, Hizashi was watching a playback of it, maybe having an out-of-body-experience. But that didn’t sound right either, Hizashi somehow couldn’t really recognize himself in that copy of him. Even if this other blond in the room looked and sounded like him, there was a crookedness in his presence, displayed also in his movements and emotionless expressions.
Hizashi’s eyes on the couch darted back to Shouta in his peripheral. Shouta had stayed quiet this whole time, but his fists were clenching harder and harder by his sides, clearly hearing each word. Shouta opened his mouth, but nothing came out of it. He tried once more but the same happened again. His shoulders stiffened when he realized his voice wasn’t working.
Why can’t you talk to me?
“Why can’t you talk to me?”
Yes, Hizashi remembered those words. They were indeed his, even if he doubted this person was him, not really.
“I want to know, Shouta. I want to know all of your thoughts, your feelings. You don’t have to hide them from me.” The blond still pleaded, as Shouta lifted a trembling hand to his throat.
I can’t, Shouta had said. Hizashi was sure he remembered Shouta saying that. But this Shouta stayed quiet.
This glowing Hizashi shifted, little by little, his face growing frustrated and pitying. Hizashi didn’t like the way he looked at Shouta.
You can, Shouta.
“You can’t.” Hizashi’s eyes snapped to his own face, his mind screaming for an error. No, that’s not what he had said. “You aren’t even trying. Is that how little you care about me?”
Shouta shook his head furiously, his fingers leaving red dents into his throat. He was trying, Hizashi could see that, but this clone couldn’t, or didn’t even care to notice him struggling.
“Then just say it. Say you love me, Shouta. You think I will just stay with you happily, feeling so unappreciated and ignored? I can’t do that anymore, Shou. I deserve more than that.”
Shouta kept shaking his head to deny those hurtful words, to make Hizashi see that those weren’t his thoughts. Shouta locked his eyes with the other Hizashi’s, desperately reached his hand to touch, to express his affection and love without words, but his hand was slapped away.
“I don’t understand you. Can’t you give me those three little words? Is it that hard for you, or is it just because you never really cared for me? Speak to me! SPEAK!” The other Hizashi sounded more and more aggressive, hissing and baring his teeth as he spat the words. His face looked distorted, less and less like himself. “If you can’t even do that, this little thing I’m asking from you, then do you think you deserve my answers either? I deserve better- better than you. I can’t be in this relationship alone, Shouta.”
Oh, no. Hizashi did remember saying that. Was this- Was this really what he had said?
Hizashi pressed his hands to his temples, trying to remember the events of the night. He couldn’t believe that this was how he had acted, how ugly and cruel he looked from the outside.
Shouta tried to cling to the man, but the blond only pushed him away. “This isn’t what I want. I don’t know how I could ever have loved someone like you.”
“No!”
“No!”
Hizashi screamed from the couch, the same time as Shouta finally forced the words out of his throat.
“I need you.” Shouta spoke with a hoarse, trembling voice, unlike Hizashi had ever heard. “I-I can’t say those things, I just can’t, but you know that I mean them, right? Please, don’t leave me.”
Hizashi knew. He knew what Shouta meant with his actions, with his body language and expressions. He did understand Shouta, without words, and was willing to wait for as long as it took for Shouta to finally know what he wanted to say to Hizashi. He had never thought that Shouta wasn’t enough or doubted his love for his partner. Eventually, Hizashi just needed to hear it too.
Even at a moment of weakness, Hizashi knew he would never blame Shouta for the things he was struggling against. Then, why had he said all those things, those lies that only hurt the man he loved so much?
“I’m tired of fighting you. You will never change. Not for me.” Shouta’s pleading had gone to deaf ears as this heartless version of Hizashi walked away, vanishing right before Hizashi’s eyes.
Shouta looked too weak and broken to follow him- neither could he as the room was blunged into darkness, all signs of life and home disappearing from the living room as the room emptied from furniture and items. Then Shouta collapsed onto the floor.
Hizashi shouted his name, quickly making his way to his partner, on his knees in the empty room with no exit. Hizashi lifted his face to look back at him, but his eyes were glazed and empty, his skin sickly pale and his body weak.
“Shouta, I’m still here. I didn’t leave you, I can fix this-.”
“You left.” He mumbled as an answer. “You left me. You said you were tired of this.” Shouta spoke with exhausted whispers.
“No, that’s not true. That- that can’t be me! I would never do that, say those things, or walk away-“
Suddenly, Hizashi remembered how how he had turned away from Shouta, walked away from the fight, as it had become clear that Shouta wasn’t going to open up tonight. He remembered Shouta’s clenched fists as the man had opened his mouth, but no words ever came out. He remembered crying for Shouta to say something, to tell him he was wrong. And admitting how exhausted he was from fighting, how tired he was to make Shouta believe him that he could tell Hizashi everything.
Hizashi also remembered fetching his pillow and blanket from Shouta’s bed, stumbling onto Shouta’s couch and falling asleep there, tears still in his eyes.
This was a nightmare. Hizashi’s mind was playing him some version of their fight, a nightmare of events of what could’ve happened if Hizashi-
Why would Hizashi do this? The things this version of himself said were pure lies, completely wrong. Why would Hizashi’s mind want feed himself this alternate reality, one that only hurt Shouta?
“Shouta, I didn’t say those things. I don’t know why I’m seeing this, but- They are not true. I know speaking your feelings will take time for you, I know that we’ll get there eventually. I’m just- frustrated when I don’t get reassurance that you actually want to be with me. I still love you so much.”
“You shouldn’t be here.” Shouta shook his head, not even taking in Hizashi’s words. “I don’t deserve you, Hizashi.” Shouta spoke again. He looked at Hizashi like he was a ghost, barely there. Even if he looked at the blond, he wasn’t speaking to Hizashi. Shouta was only speaking to himself. “I can’t express myself or show you I care about you. I can’t even make you feel loved. Why would you want to stay? Why do you stay when I can’t give you anything in return?”
Then Hizashi finally realized.
This was Shouta’s nightmare.
This was how Shouta’s mind reacted to their fight, bringing his insecurities and fears to the surface and obscuring them, making Shouta believe that Hizashi didn’t care about him anymore. That Hizashi had never truly loved him, that he couldn’t change.
“I can’t tell you how I feel because I’m so scared. You will leave me, I know it. You will finally realize that I’m not enough, that I’ll never change and will never be what you want and deserve.”
“Shouta..”
“But I want to change. I don’t know if I can, but I don’t want you to leave. I want to be good enough for you. But I know that if I try, you’ll see that I’m not.”
This was the first time Hizashi actually heard Shouta’s response to him about the fight. He wanted to believe that these were Shouta’s real thoughts, the thoughts Shouta had left unsaid that night.
But these words weren’t meant for him, though they might have been what Shouta wanted to say to him. These were Shouta’s private thoughts and fears, and Hizashi hated that this was the way he found out about them.
Hizashi wanted to hear those words for real, in real life, not trespassing a nightmare. He needed his own Shouta back.
“Shouta, this is a dream. It’s just a nightmare, Shou!” He shouted into his partner’s face but Shouta still seemed too bothered by his own state, now slipping his hands to his face, to his ears. Trying to block Hizashi’s voice or his own thoughts, Hizashi wasn’t sure.
Shouta gave a quiet sob and he bit into his lower lip. When Hizashi had walked away, he didn’t know he’d left Shouta alone with such damaging, scary thoughts. He didn’t know Shouta had been the one needing reassurance.
“You have to wake up, babe! I’m- I’m still here when you wake up.” Hizashi felt his own eyes tear up too when he looked at how the love of his life suffered and struggled in front of him. “I promise, Shou.”
Hizashi felt a cold shiver through his whole body, as Shouta’s eyes snapped to him.
Those hurt, desperate eyes were the last thing Hizashi remembered as he jolted awake, panting with heavy breaths on the couch of his partner’s apartment.
Hizashi’s mind was clearer than ever as he rushed to the bedroom, though Shouta’s words, his teary face and clenched fists were still shadowing his mind.
He leapt into the bed where Shouta was still sleeping, and he knew he had to get Shouta out of that nightmare.
“Shouta, wake up. I’m here, there’s nothing to worry about.” He spoke softly, but firmly shook his partner from his arm.
Shouta’s eyes snapped open, focusing on Hizashi like on the last moment of the dream.
Shouta didn’t say anything as he flung himself into Hizashi’s neck, the sobbing from his nightmare continuing as a distressed tremble.
“I’ll tell you, Hizashi. I’m gonna say whatever you want. Just don’t leave me.” The man pleaded quietly, clearly still somewhere between dream and consciousness.
“Shh.” Hizashi shushed reassuringly as he hugged Shouta to his chest. He petted his soft, black hair and drew calming circles in the man’s back until it seemed that Shouta’s breathing was calming down. “It’s okay.”
“I want to tell you everything, ‘Zashi. Just give me one more chance.” He still whispered.
Those were the words Hizashi would have wanted to hear a few hours ago, when he had cried for Shouta to answer him. He had thought that Shouta didn’t care enough to listen to what he was saying.
All along, it had been the opposite. He had been the one not listening enough, assuming Shouta’s answers without really knowing them. He did now.
“It’s okay, Shouta.” He smiled, kissing the man’s forehead. “I already know.”