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The nightmares came each night, right as he attempted to lay his head down and catch a few hours of sleep. It always felt like it needed to be only a few hours, even though the war had been done for years. He couldn’t settle in one place long enough to feel...at ease.
Hange always teased him for it, singular functioning eye lighting up with unbridled care as they informed him that he would worry himself into an early grave.
It didn’t feel like it would be early. Not anymore.
He already felt like he had lived several lifetimes. The Underground, the Scouts, the War...each time, life molded him into someone new, someone he had to be. Strong enough to survive. Strong enough to lead. Humanity’s strongest soldier - he had to be strong enough to bring his friends home.
He didn’t have anyone he had to be now.
It was times like this that he really missed Erwin. Loss was nothing new to his life, but in a lot of ways, he still felt like he’d failed Erwin. Time and again, he’d wondered if he’d made the wrong choice with the serum. But Erwin had trusted him to make the right choice. So he had to have faith. Not like there was anything to be done about it now anyway.
Erwin had always been good at pointing him in the right direction. Whether he was dragging him out of the Underground or keeping him on his feet after a mission, Levi always knew he could turn to Erwin.
But that wasn’t what he missed most.
He missed being around Erwin. He missed the way Erwin looked at him like he was worth something. He missed the brief moments when they could be alone, desperate hands grasping for something to hold on to, something to remind them they weren’t alone. Erwin had chuckled at the fact that Levi always tasted like tea. And in the morning, he would always ensure he had a fresh cup.
But Erwin had been dead for years. And Levi had to make his own damn tea now.
He shoved his covers back, letting his bare feet hit the floor as his shoulders hunched. He couldn’t just stay here stewing. He’d make some tea and maybe finally take some of those medicines Hange had left to help with his sleep.
He probably should have moved out of the Scout headquarters when the regiment disbanded. But a few people stuck around, and honestly, he didn’t know where else he’d go. There was a whole world out there to explore, but standing in the majesty of it all made Levi feel small in a way he never had before. He wouldn’t even know where to start.
So he stayed - in these same halls filled with the same ghosts.
He shoved a shirt on before he padded to the door, running a hand through his mussed hair, trying to coax it into some semblance of organization. His undercut was growing out - he really should just bite the bullet and ask Hange’s help. Or Moblit - he would probably be a better choice than his partner. Levi would trust Hange with his life, but with a straight razor at the back of his neck?
Levi listened to the wooden stairs creak under his feet, sending the ghosts skittering back to their corners. He’d ask Moblit tomorrow. If he got around to it. Not like he really had much else to fill his days.
Levi passed the second-story landing and paused, looking out the window over the moonlit courtyard. Had he just seen a flash of movement in the shadows? He couldn’t have - no one was ever out this time of night. But there it was again, the swinging of a stall closing, a horse being tucked away for the night before a young man with broad shoulders stepped into the lantern light of the courtyard.
Levi let out a long breath through his nose. It had been almost a year since he’d seen him, but he would know the cadence of his walk with his eyes closed.
Eren.
Levi watched him move, hesitating near the edge of the lantern’s glow. His face caught the dim lighting, and Levi swallowed the tightness that had settled in his throat, turning away from the window, any thoughts of tea forgotten.
He hadn’t expected him to return. He’d never been gone this long.
In the years after the War, Eren made the former headquarters his home too - at least while he was around. He’d adapted to the world outside the walls far better than Levi, often going on trips with Armin and Mikasa to explore. This time, he’d gone alone, and he’d been gone eleven-and-a-half months. Not that Levi had been counting.
He laid in bed that night, sleep eluding him as he listened to the gentle creaking of the walls around him. He heard footsteps in the hallway as the sun started to creep over the horizon, and a door closing two rooms down. Eren’s room. So at least he was staying the night.
When the sun had fully settled in the morning sky, Levi pulled himself out of bed again. He moved silently past Eren’s room to the stairs, retracing his steps from the previous night but finally making it down to the kitchen. He chewed his bottom lip with his teeth as he made a cup of tea. What had brought Eren back this time? He made it clear every time he returned - Mikasa or Armin dragged him back; according to Eren, he’d spend all of his time beyond the walls. Too long living caged behind them. No other reason to come back. But there was no Mikasa or Armin to drag him back this time, and yet...and yet, he’d returned.
Levi made a second cup. Just in case the brat wanted it.
He left it on the kitchen counter before he took his own tea and headed out the backdoor, making his way across the vast, neatly-kept lawn toward the edge of the forest. He set his cup down on the small outdoor table he’d set up beside his chair, his heart heavy as he turned to face the stones.
Every scout they’d lost laid here, at least in memory. For most of them, the headstones were only placeholders, no body able to be reclaimed. But they had a place all the same, stone salvaged from the walls they’d fought so hard to be free of.
And then, there was the small grove where Levi had set up his chair. The four stones sat two apart, the patches he’d cut from their jackets set into small plaques on each headstone. Petra’s still lay empty, the patch pressed into the hand of a grieving recruit, given away under the guise of belonging to the friend he’d lost - his first of many such losses. Petra would have understood. She’d always been the kindest of them all.
And then, one stone sat apart from the others, stretching taller, the space in front of the stone wider and longer to accommodate the body that lay beneath. Levi cleared his throat, pulling his gloves on before he knelt, brushing the leaves from the top of the stone. The recent winds had kicked dirt into the grooves cut into the surface of the stone, and Levi took his time clearing each clogged letter.
Erwin Smith
13th Commander, Survey Corps
It’s us who gives meaning to our comrades’ lives.
Levi took his time, cleaning Erwin’s stone to his satisfaction before he moved on to his squad, to Petra, to Eld, to Gunther and Oluo. They had a caretaker for the rest of the graveyard, ensuring no scout’s memory was forgotten. But this area was Levi’s. This area, only he was allowed to manage.
Only when each stone was pristine once again did he let himself sit. He slowly pulled his gloves off, laying them to the side before he picked up his cup. He let his eyes drift closed, listening to the whisper of the wind through the trees as the morning sun danced across his face. In moments like this, he could almost feel them with him again. His squad. The first time since he was a child that he felt like he belonged somewhere - with someone.
And now...now, he didn’t know where he belonged. All he was left with was the ghosts of his past.
And Hange and Moblit. Hange would never let him forget their presence, and he was honestly grateful for it.
And Eren.
He wasn’t sure how long he was sitting there, letting the nature surrounding him ease the tightness from his chest, when he felt him.
He could feel Eren approach even before he could hear him, but the younger man didn’t say anything, and Levi let his eyes stay closed for a few moments longer. He could hear Eren’s breathing - strong, steady. Reassuring. Eren was so full of life, even after everything they’d been through. Even after Levi thought he’d lost him for good.
But Eren found his way back. He always did, in the end.
The chair to Levi’s right creaked as Eren folded his long limbs into it. Levi couldn’t help the small smile that tugged at the corner of his mouth. Hange usually gave him a wide berth when he was having his morning tea, their chair staying unused. It had been years since anyone sat with him.
“The stones turned out nice.”
Levi’s eyes opened slowly, his gaze casting to the side to finally allow himself to look at Eren. He sat with his legs crossed casually, looking at home in the chair as if it had always belonged to him. In his hands, he held the cup of tea Levi had prepared for him, and something in the walled-up fortress of Levi’s heart began to crumble.
“I like how you set the plaques in,” Eren continued softly. “Those are their actual patches, aren’t they?”
Levi nodded, taking another sip of his tea. He saw Eren’s eyes lingering on Petra’s stone, could see the flicker of guilt in those emerald eyes. Out of the scouts in Levi’s squad, Eren had been closest with Petra. He’d been the last one to see her before she died.
“When did you get in?” Levi asked, seized by an almost-desperate need to distract the boy - no, the man. Eren hadn’t been a boy for a long time.
Eren blinked twice as he pulled himself back from his thoughts, giving Levi a soft, grateful smile. “Early this morning.”
“And how long are you staying?”
It was an understandable question. It was only natural for Levi to want to know how long someone would be sticking around the old headquarters. While Hange technically still out-ranked him, they left the management of the base to him. Not that there was much to manage. The Scouts didn’t exist anymore.
There was nothing unusual in him asking that question. And it certainly didn’t hint at a hidden desire to keep Eren around longer. But he had to admit, something about having Eren sitting next to him started to thaw the deepest parts of Levi’s soul.
He was like a fucking furnace.
Eren didn’t answer at first, taking a long drink of the tea before he set his cup aside. His gaze returned to the stones, and Levi saw the tired, weary expression lingering at the corners of his face. They’d never really talked about it, but Levi had to figure that Eren was just as fucked up about it all as he was.
“I think I’m back for good this time,” he said at last, his voice barely louder than the whispering winds around them.
Levi couldn’t hide the surprise as he looked up at Eren over his teacup, the last sip chilling in his cup as he forgot it completely.
He managed to bite back the unasked why. Eren had always wanted to see the world. Eren had a life to chase down outside the walls. He didn’t deserve to sit here and fade away within these haunted walls.
“Had enough of the wide wide world?”
Eren chuckled, running his hands through his hair - it had gotten longer. Levi liked it longer, even if watching him tousle it made his fingers itch. His hair looked so damn soft.
“Yeah, at least for now. Armin’s got his place set up with Annie on the coast, Mikasa’s abroad, and...traveling by myself just doesn’t feel the same. It was…” Eren rubbed the back of his neck, hesitating for a moment before he continued. “Lonely.”
Levi blinked; he should have expected that someone so vibrant, so full of life, would have trouble being alone. But the former headquarters wasn’t exactly the most exciting place to live. Levi could go an entire day without talking to another person if he tried just a little bit.
“I hope you don’t find it too isolating here,” he murmured.
Eren looked at him then, those piercing eyes seeing right through him, hitting the heart of his question without him even having to ask it. “How could it be isolating when you’re here?”
Levi snorted, crossing his arms over his chest and trying to hide the way that question made him warm inside. He liked the idea that Eren might consider him worthwhile company.
And yet, he couldn’t help but make sure Eren knew what he was getting into.
“Yes, because I’m such enthralling company.”
Eren didn’t laugh - Eren didn’t even appear like the statement was that funny to him. He leaned forward a little, his hands resting on his knees, those eyes never lowering from Levi’s, holding his gaze intensely. Levi actually squirmed a little - he wasn’t used to someone looking at him for this long.
“I missed you, Levi.”
Whatever he had expected, it certainly wasn’t that. That damn brat. Always wore his heart on his sleeve. What the hell was he supposed to say to that? He could be honest, tell Eren he’d missed him, tell him that he’d looked out to the stables each morning, hoping to catch a glimpse of Eren returning. He could tell him he wanted him to stay.
But he couldn’t hold Eren back. He’d spent his whole damn life wanting to get beyond those walls; he couldn’t lock him up behind them again. If Eren was going to stay, he had to choose it on his own.
Levi had no claim on Eren, no right to hold the boy back.
Boy wasn’t right, and he knew it. He’d known Eren for years, watched him grow into a passionate, dedicated young man. But there was a wildness in Eren - the same that ran through Levi’s veins once upon a time. When Eren was around, he could almost feel it again.
Erwin had always told him he needed to open himself up to people. He couldn’t spend the rest of his life isolating himself from people. If it weren’t for Hange, he would have disappeared completely after the war. But Hange never gave up on him, just like Erwin hadn’t. And now, maybe he could finally make it worth it.
As he and Eren sat there, talking as the breeze stirred the trees around them, Levi realized that maybe, just maybe...he was feeling at ease.
“I missed you too, brat.”