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Cold air was freezing Kou’s tears, making them unbearably cold against his cheek. Teru was right beside him but couldn’t tell that anything was wrong with him. The snow left a thick enough fog that when Kou was looking at his shoes, Teru couldn’t see his puffy eyes or his chest moving up and down super fast as he tried not to make a sound. Cars speeded past the intersection that they were waiting to cross at. Kou watched them as they passed, trying to drown out his thoughts with distractions.
What even led him to this point? What made him fall so deep down that he would be breaking down in front of Teru. Teru never noticed anything. He never noticed how Kou started wearing long sleeves before Autumn even began. He never noticed Kou crying every night in his room. He never noticed Kou getting so much quieter than usual. He never noticed how bloody Kou’s scissors in his room had gotten. He never noticed and he probably will never notice.
Teru didn’t see Kou’s shaking. Or maybe he did and just assumed it was from the cold. The cars zooming past started getting louder in Kou’s ears. The people talking and rushing to get back to their homes at this hour started getting louder. Kou looked up. He saw the blur of the car lights and traffic lights. He glanced up at Teru and then back at the road. The snow crunched under his feet as he stepped up to the edge of the sidewalk.
“Kou, get away from the road!” Teru said, before he continued to talk on the phone with their father. He looked up. Kou hadn’t moved an inch. “Kou! Come here!”
Kou looked up from the concrete and at the cars again. He heard the sound of a big truck coming towards him. He squeezed his eyes shut. The headlights shone through his eyelids causing him to see complete red.
“Ko-” Teru watched as Kou’s body slid across the asphalt. He stood there in shock. All of the cars on the intersection stopped at the sight of a young teenager laying on the road covered in blood. “KOU!” Teru ran as fast as he could over to Kou. He kneeled down and picked Kou up. His body felt like there were no bones in it. Teru could tell Kou was breathing but not very smoothly.
The ringing in Kou’s ear overpowered every other sound around him. Scratches covered Kou’s entire body. It felt like his skin was being peeled off. He could feel a pressure on his chest. He opened his eyes as wide as he could, which wasn’t wide at all. They felt so heavy, like someone was pushing them down. He saw Teru trying as hard as he could to do cpr on Kou. Kou reached his hand up to rest it on Teru’s cheek.
“St…op. It’s n……no….. use…” Kou’s eyelids started getting heavier than ever.
“YES IT IS! I’M GOING TO SAVE YOU, KOU!” Kou saw flashing blue and red lights.
“…`m…….. s…..rry…..Te……nii…..” He could feel his body being moved but all of his other senses were gone.
-
Teru sat in the hospital waiting room with his knees pulled up to his chin. Normally he could smell the hospital but right then, all he could smell was blood. He couldn’t believe he was there. He couldn’t believe Kou had done that. He always knew Kou had a couple issues but he never knew that they were bad enough for him to end his life! Why didn’t Kou talk to him?! Why did Kou decide that ending it all was easier than talking to his older brother? Had Teru really hurt him that much? Tears piled up on Teru’s knees. It hurt so much.
“Are you a relative to Kou Minamoto?” Teru looked up at the nurse standing right above him.
“Uh, y-yes, I’m his brother! Why? Did he wake up? Is he okay?!” Teru said, quickly standing up. The nurse was silent for a moment.
“I’m sorry to tell you this but, your brother, he didn’t make it…” Teru’s heart dropped. He couldn’t believe it. He must’ve been having a nightmare.
“Can I… see him..?” Teru said. The nurse nodded and led Teru to his hospital room. This all had to be fake. This was a prank. Kou was awake. He had to be. He couldn’t be dead. Teru needed him!
Kou’s lifeless body proved Teru wrong. Teru squatted down next to Kou’s hospital bed and grabbed his hand. It was so cold. Teru put it up against his face. He got up and looked at Kou’s face. It was so pale with an undertone of blue. Teru couldn’t stand to look at Kou’s lifeless face anymore and he walked straight out the hospital door.
The walk home was cold. The snow storm was still as heavy as it was earlier. Tears started freezing against Teru’s face. He had to constantly wipe them off so as not to freeze to death.
Mr. Minamoto met Teru at the front door and hugged him as soon as he stepped in. Neither of them spoke a word. The hospital had called Kou’s dad as soon as he got admitted and informed him what happened.
“TERU-ONIICHAN!!” Tiara yelled as she ran up to hug Teru. Teru silently picked her up and hugged her back. “Where’s Kou-oniichan?” Teru didn’t say anything.
“It’s late, let’s go tuck you in, okay!” Teru started bringing her upstairs.
“I want to see Kou-oniichan!” Teru placed her in her bed and started putting the blankets over her but she kicked them away. “No! I want Kou-oniichan to tuck me in!”
“Tiara, stop.”
“NO! I WANT KOU-ONIICHAN!!”
“Tiara, I said stop!”
“I’M NOT GOING TO SLEEP UNTIL KOU-ONIICHAN TUCKS ME IN!!”
“TIARA, STOP!!”
“I WANT KOU-ONIICHAN!”
“STOP!” Tiara was taken back from Teru bursting into loud sobs.
“Teru-oniichan…” Teru quickly calmed down and wiped his tears off. He tucked Tiara in without a word. As he was about to get up and walk away, Tiara grabbed his hand.
“Is Kou-oniichan okay…?” Teru smiled slightly and kissed Tiara on her forehead.
“Goodnight, princess” Teru’s smile dropped right as he turned his back to her. It was so hard to try and keep a smile when all he could think of was Kou’s blood covered body. He wished he could explain to Tiara what had happened but he knew he couldn’t without sobbing.
Teru collapsed on his bed. He was so tired. He was so frustrated with himself. He could’ve stopped Kou. If only he had grabbed Kou before he could go onto the road. He was there! All it took was a reached out arm! Kou could’ve been here. They could’ve had a nice warm dinner. Tiara could’ve been tucked in by Kou. Kou could’ve been alive right then! What the fuck is wrong with Teru!? Teru left a well deserved slap across his own face. It hurt but it felt relieving to punish himself. He left a punch against his cheek. It hurt but it didn’t hurt enough.
He looked over at the box cutter on his desk. He grabbed it and sat back on his bed. He rolled up his sleeve. The skin on it was so bare and clean. He just wanted to fuck it up. Maybe if he was lucky he would die of blood loss. The blade pressed up against his skin. He grunted at the pain. The metal was so cold. It stung so badly. He lifted the blade out of his skin and replaced it on another spot. He dragged it across his wrist. Delicately slicing lines didn’t get his frustration out at all. He squeezed the box cutter in his hand and stabbed it down onto his arm. He quickly slapped his hand over his mouth so he didn’t scream. Tears streamed out his eyes and down his cheeks. It hurt so badly. The blade hurt just as badly coming out as it did coming in. Teru started putting a lot of pressure on his wound. There was so much blood. He dropped the blade on his bed, not caring if he got a blood stain, and headed into the bathroom to clean his cuts.
-
“Come on, Tiara, you need to put it on!”
“NO! IT'S ITCHY! CAN’T I JUST WEAR MY PINK DRESS?!” Tiara whined.
“It’s only like an hour, princess, and you can take it off as soon as we get home!”
“NO! I WANT KOU-ONIICHAN!” Every time Tiara said Kou’s name it felt like Teru had been punched in the stomach. He loved Tiara to death but he just wished she would shut the fuck up about Kou.
“Tiara, stop, don’t start this, please..”
“I MISS KOU-ONIICHAN!”
“Tiara, I’m not gonna tell you to stop twice.” Teru knew that she was just young and stupid but he couldn’t handle this right now. He knew she was too young to comprehend that Kou was gone. Teru felt so guilty for being so pissed right then.
“I WANT KOU-ONIICH-” Teru was basically shaking from anger and frustration.
“SHUT THE FUCK UP, HES NOT COMING BACK! HE'S NEVER COMING BACK!” Teru quickly covered his mouth. Tiara’s lip started quivering. Teru knew he fucked up. He should’ve just kept his mouth closed. “Princess, I’m sorry I didn’t-” She never let him finish his sentence and instead just started bawling her eyes out. Teru quickly picked her up and tried to calm her down.
“Shh, shh, it’s okay, it’s okay” After a little while, Tiara finally calmed down. He set her down on the edge of her bed.
“Listen, Tiara… you know how I had that talk with you about what happened to mommy?” Tiara nodded while wiping off her tears. “Well something… happened… to Kou and now h-he’s with mommy…”
“So does that mean I’m not going to see him for a while?” Tiara’s eyes started filling with tears again. Teru nodded.
“It’s okay though! He’s with mommy and he’s happy! Okay?”
“Okay…” Teru picked Tiara up and brought her downstairs.
“Are you ready to go?” Their dad said. Teru nodded.
“Where are we going?” Tiara asked.
“Don’t worry about it, princess” Teru said, putting on a weak smile for her and kissing her on her forehead.
-
Teru sat in the pew of the church zoning out. He wasn’t listening to anything the priest was saying. He made sure to avoid looking at the casket. It was just another reminder that Kou was really gone. All of this felt like a sick, twisted dream to Teru. He wished so badly that it was. He wished Kou was still alive.
The funeral felt like it had been going on for hours. Teru hadn’t looked up from the ground since it had started. Everyone’s voices sounded so quiet because of how loud Teru’s thoughts were.
“Kou-oniichan?” Teru’s head shot up and he saw Tiara standing right next to Kou’s casket.
“ Shit… ” Teru muttered under his breath as he got up. He grabbed Tiara’s hand and tried to pull her away. Tiara shook his hand off of hers and reached into Kou’s casket.
“Kou-oniichan, wake up!” She said, gently shaking him. Teru grabbed Tiara’s arm.
“Tiara, come on” Teru was shaking so badly. He was going to try to avoid seeing Kou’s lifeless body but now he saw it. He was on the verge of a panic attack but he had to stay calm.
“Let go of me! I need to wake up Kou-oniichan!” Teru picked Tiara up and started carrying her to the back. “NOOO! LET GO!” Tiaras' screaming and crying was so loud against Teru’s ears. He got to the back with her and started trying to get her to stop crying.
“It's okay, calm down, princess” Teru was trying to calm himself down more than he was trying to calm Tiara down. “Tiara, it’s okay, Kou is happier now and with mommy. He’s safe”
“I miss him though!”
“I miss him too but you need to calm down, okay?”
“Okay” Tiara sniffled. “Promise you will be with me for the rest of my life!” Teru gave her a weak smile.
“Of course. I promise I’ll never leave you, princess” Tiara reached her pinky out.
“Pinky promise?” Teru wrapped his pinky around hers and she smiled. Teru carried her back to the pew and gave her to his father.
“I’m gonna go to the restroom” He whispered to him. His father nodded at him and Teru proceeded to walk to the bathrooms.
He walked in and immediately went to the sink to splash water in his face. The water was colder than he thought it was going to be. He wiped the water off with his hand and started staring into the sink. He didn’t look at himself in the mirror. He couldn’t look at himself in the mirror. It was all his fault. He couldn’t live with himself. His grip on the sink tightened and he was about to raise a fist to punch the mirror before the door creaked open and he was pulled away from his actions. He immediately recognized the familiar figure in the doorway.
“What do you need, Aoi?” The red haired boy took a step closer.
“What’s wrong?”
“I’m at my little brother’s funeral right now, what the fuck do you think is wrong? And it’s all my fault that he’s gone!”
“It’s not your fault, pres-”
“Yes it is! I was there! I could’ve stopped him! If only I had just paid more attention like a good brother would have!”
“You are a good brother!”
“NO I’M NOT! A good brother would have recognized the signs that Kou was struggling! If I was a good brother, we wouldn’t be here right now!” Akane wanted to say something but he couldn’t get any words out. “I promised Tiara that I would never leave her but I don’t think I can do it…”
“Minamoto, what do you mean…?”
“I can't do this anymore, I can’t live with this guilt anymore, I’m not strong enough for this…” Akane quickly pulled Teru into a tight embrace.
“You are strong enough! Please, don’t do anything to yourself… I know I don’t show it but I care about you, I really do! And I don’t think I would ever get over it if you did something to yourself…” Teru could feel how badly Akane was shaking and Akane’s voice was cracking. The only sounds coming from Teru was him breathing deeply before he burst into loud sobs.
-
It had been a week since the funeral and two weeks since the night Kou died. Teru stared at the ceiling in bed. It was probably about 2am. It was very snowy again just like that night. Everytime Teru looked out the window he just thought of Kou. He missed him so much. He wished he could just have a redo so he could help Kou before he committed. He would give anything just to see him one last time. Say one last goodbye to him, tell him that he was sorry for not being a good brother. Tell him that he’ll protect him, that everything will be okay.
If only he had realized why Kou walked closer to the street. If only he wasn’t on the stupid phone with his stupid dad. Why couldn’t he just be a good brother? Why didn’t Kou tell him he was struggling?! Teru wanted more than anything to have a redo at life. He wanted to just be able to see Kou for the first time. Those small baby hands. His little chubby cheeks.
Maybe he could start over from the beginning and prevent Kou from even developing depression in the first place! Maybe he could stop him from ever getting near supernaturals ever again. It was eating him up inside the fact that he couldn’t know why Kou did this. He just wanted to have one last talk with Kou. He would sell his soul just to hear Kou’s voice again. He missed him so much. He couldn’t handle this at all. He felt like he was going to throw up. He wanted him back so badly it was making him sick. He was such a shitty brother. He was a shitty brother, shitty friend, shitty son, shitty person . He deserved to die. He deserved to rot in hell. He deserved to be fucking tortured.
Teru didn’t even have energy to do anything anymore. He didn’t even have the energy to cut himself. Teru was shaking so badly. He couldn’t even breathe because of how hard he was crying.
He reached for his phone and his finger immediately went to call Akane.
“President, it’s the middle of the fucking night…” Akane’s voice was very raspy. It was very much clear that Akane had just woken up.
“...I can’t do it anymore… I’m sorry, Aoi…”
“Teru? Are you okay?”
“I’m sorry I’m sorry I’m sorry, I know you told me to be strong but I’m not strong…”
“Teru, please, don’t do anything, I’ll be over as soon as I can just don’t hurt yourself at all!”
“I promised her that I would stay… I know you shouldn’t break a promise but I have to do this, I’m sorry, Aoi, I love you”
“No, Teru, you’re not going to kill yourself! I’m not going to let you!”
“I’m going to go for a drive”
“TERU, DON’T YOU DARE FUCKING LEAVE YOUR HOUSE! LISTEN TO ME, T-” Teru hung up on him. Akane immediately started calling him again but Teru turned off his phone.
Teru walked to the front door, careful not to wake his father or sister. He didn’t even bother putting on a coat. He grabbed his father’s keys and walked out the door. It was much colder than he thought. Basically his entire body was frozen as soon as he stepped foot out the door. He couldn’t give less of a shit though. It was difficult driving because of how snowy it was but there was basically nobody in the streets because of how late it was.
He started to approach the intersection where the accident happened. He looked at the spot where Kou’s body had landed. There was nothing left. No blood, no skin, just perfectly clean asphalt. It was as if it never actually happened. As if this was all a dream. Teru wished it was. He wished so badly that it was. His grip on the wheel tightened as the light turned green. He started driving and started unconsciously speeding up. He looked at the cliff right next to him. He was holding onto the wheel so tightly that it felt like it was going to just break in his hands.
He quickly swerved into the ditch. He covered his head and squeezed his eyes shut as the car flipped around.
He opened his eyes. His body was in so much pain. It took him a moment to realize where all the pain was coming from. He put his hand down his throat which made him gag. He almost choked on all of his vomit. His throw up covered hand felt a shard of glass in his throat. It scraped the sides of his throat as he pulled it out. He still couldn’t breathe. He put his hand up to his neck and felt another shard of glass. He grabbed it and pulled it out. An immediate rush of blood started gushing out of his mouth turning the white snow under him a dark crimson. He tried to turn over to spit out all of the blood that was pooling in his mouth but he felt a tug at his stomach. He looked down to see a tree branch stabbing through his torso. His vision started getting blurrier. He heard footsteps in the snow running towards him. His ears started filling with a ringing sound. He saw a blur of red hair overtop of him. He could hear Akane’s voice but it was very muffled and he couldn’t make out anything he was saying. The ringing in his ears started getting louder and louder and the pain in his throat and stomach started getting more and more unbearable. He heard faint ambulance sirens before the ringing in his ears overpowered all of his other senses. The pain in his throat and stomach completely stopped. He couldn’t see anything no matter how hard he tried to open his eyes. The ringing started to die down and then he couldn’t feel, see, or hear anything.
He was dead.