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The gentle rock of the train was enough to put a crying child to sleep. Even someone as exuberant as Felix wasn't immune to its power. Perhaps it was also the late night air after exiting the live house that had cooled off his mood so greatly.
Felix stared absentmindedly at the seat across from him. Empty, lined with a neat black fabric. It was unusual for trains in Japan to be so empty, he thought. He'd never seen such a sight, aside from an occasional symbolic scene in an anime, and it never struck him that the empty seat would be so peculiar.
Until his observative state was shattered by a light nudge to the shoulder.
"Felix, we're almost at our stop. Were ya seriously about to fall asleep there?"
Koharu. Felix hadn't fallen asleep in front of Koharu, and he surely wasn't going to do it for the first time on public transit of all places. It was a shock that Felix even managed to invite Koharu to visit a live house with him without Daimon, the one friend that linked the two together.
He turned his head and smiled-- it was typical of Felix to smile, it came as natural to him as breathing did. "Of course not. I've just never seen an empty train seat in Japan. The trains are always so crowded."
Koharu's expression softened a bit. Almost like he was overlooking a child discovering things for the first time. Except Felix was nineteen years old. Not particularly a child, but still just as amazed at discovering new things as a child would be.
Without a word, he stood up, and Felix followed suit. Each step they took out into the night felt hazy, like a shot in a movie. Felix figured it must've been the remains from the high of attending a live show. It could have also been a spell of tiredness as well. In all of it, Koharu stood out like a beacon.
Felix almost wanted to reach out a hand just to grasp Koharu's, then have him drag him along through the night, but he wasn't sure how he'd take it in response. This was the man who attempted to break his arm the day they first met, but Felix had figured Koharu wasn't as aggressive as he was at first. That's what he liked to believe. Even if Koharu was aggressive, it lit a spark in Felix's heart like a match. Sizzling, invigorating.
"You're stayin' with your brother tonight, right?" Koharu asked.
The other froze, not taking a step further. "I don't believe I thought that far ahead. I don't particularly want to wake him in the dead of night. I'm not a vampire, you know."
In reality, Felix wanted to spend more time with Koharu. He didn't want the night to come to a close so fast. He wanted to stay and stare at him for just a few moments longer, to really take in every sensation he'd felt that evening. Joy, excitement, belonging. He didn't want to suddenly let it slip from his grasp the minute Koharu went out of sight.
Koharu placed a hand on his hip. "I mean… You could stay the night at my place, you'd just have to sleep in your clothes, and on my couch."
It seemed like Koharu could almost tell how Felix was feeling. It was either that, he thought, or the hands of fate coming to caress his rosy cheek.
"Of course. I don't mind sleeping in this."
After a few late night taxi rides, then a small walk, they were at Koharu's house. It wasn't much, a place with cheap rent for a college student that was just getting by. Felix didn't live, nor did he study, in Japan at all. He often stayed with his older brother, a diplomat for France that worked at a Japanese embassy somewhere in Tokyo, while visiting. It was nice to see a place that was more than just a temporary residence his brother had been provided. It was nice to get a peek into how Koharu lived.
Once in, Koharu practically sank into the cushions of his couch. He was so caught up in the act he seemed to almost forget that Felix was there with him. "Ah… I'll move in a minute. Take a seat if you want."
Koharu gestured towards a seat next to the couch. Felix took his place politely.
"Koharu…" Felix said, "You don't mind sharing the space with me? Even just for one night?"
That was a stupid question. It's not like Koharu would have responded by pushing him to the door and going 'No! I brought you all this way just to betray you! Out of my house right now!'
But the question still slipped out. Felix thought maybe he just wasn't used to such casual hospitality. Being from a highly esteemed family in France, he was always subject to hosting guests, or having to accompany his family to be guests at some formal event, but he was never quite exposed to the casualties of everyday hospitality. It felt almost too intimate to him, but the feeling made the experience all the more fascinating to him.
"Of course I am," Koharu responded, "I would've left ya to fend for yourself if I didn't want you here. I haven't had much time to talk to you without Daimon around though, so sorry about that."
Felix shook his head vigorously, "Don't apologize. I don't mind at all."
The truth was that Felix felt a bit strange. He hadn’t a clue what would be considered courteous of him to do whilst staying the night. He could practically hear the voice of his father, ‘You’re an established man, Felix. Show some courtesy.’
“Do you wanna sit on the couch for now? I don’t mind moving over. I don’t really feel like sleepin’ yet anyways.” Koharu inquired.
Felix swung his head up, his trail of thought broken by Koharu’s words. This happened frequently. Felix was often in his own little world, imagining a variety of things, and it wasn’t until somebody popped his bubble that he would respond to them.
In his head, he often imagined a world. A world without judgement where people, and those who thought of themselves as lesser than people, could exist in harmony. It was childish, sure, but Felix never gave a second thought to how hopeless his dream was. He simply thought of it, and thought and thought and thought, until it almost seemed too good to be true.
Felix made his way to the couch, sitting next to Koharu and leaving a polite amount of space between him. Koharu slouched back and spread his legs apart, exasperated.
Maybe Felix could share his dream world with Koharu at this moment. It’d be impulsive, sure, but impulse was one of Felix’s many middle names. Alongside the elaborate ‘Louis-Claude,’ of course.
“Koharu…” He began, “The live show we saw tonight, don’t you think it was beautiful? Inspiring even?”
“It was quite a show, I’ll tell you that,” Koharu said, not looking up from his position, “what was that kinda band called again? Visual… shock?”
“Visual kei.” Felix corrected almost instantaneously, “My brother is very into the genre, he got me invested as well.”
“That’s right… I saw a lot of bands like that around when I was in junior high, even my early years of high school. I didn’t know the style was still popular.”
Felix nodded along. “The band; it was one of the best performances I’ve seen in my life! Even though it was just in a small live house here in Japan, I can already tell I’m going to carry this experience with me throughout my whole life. The hustle and bustle of the crowd coming in, the melodic vocalist, the sweet harmony of the guitars, and the powerful slam of the drums. It was all so… beautiful, don’t you think?”
Koharu looked up at Felix and chuckled a bit, his lips curling up into a smile, “It’s nice to hear it had such an impact on you. I gotta agree, I liked it a lot.” He continued, “It’s a shame Daimon wasn’t there to see it though. I’m sure he’d have enjoyed it too. Maybe not the crowd though, he’s not a big fan of crowds like that one…”
Felix’s face practically lit up with excitement as he heard Koharu’s response. He knew a few people who had shared his passions; his brother Gilbert, who had shared an interest in visual kei; his tutor, who had shared his passion for music, but he wasn’t used to having someone like Koharu agree. Someone who wasn’t vastly older than him, someone who was on the same plane as him. Koharu was only 2 years older, and while they were both from separate sides of the globe, they could see eye to eye on lots of things.
Koharu and Daimon were two people Felix could possibly share a part of himself that was often locked away. Though Daimon wasn’t present in the conversation. Felix could only share with Koharu that night.
He moved his slender hand over, just brushing Koharu’s until physically granted permission to grasp Koharu’s hand in both of his. It was warm to the touch, even warmer when clasped between Felix’s hands.
“That band gave me a vision of sorts, Koharu.”
Koharu sat up more, stiffening his posture slightly, “What do you mean?”
“I want to create a world… A world of my own conscience. Yes, yes, I can picture it. I can picture myself on a stage like that one, in the most vivacious outfit, with people around me. People who can execute this vision. People who can spread harmony through the music we make.”
Harmony. Togetherness. That’s what Felix thought about. What he neglected to include was that as he looked at Koharu’s face, his round face decorated with a strong stare, he could picture Koharu on the stage of his vision. He could see them both, playing music and creating this world he envisioned. He couldn’t tell Koharu this, or so he believed. It simply didn’t feel appropriate to share such a personal thought when Felix had already barged enough into Koharu’s life, especially that night.
However, the more he pictured them together, among the scent of roses and gardenias, the more his heart began to race. In all the cruel faces society had to bring, Koharu’s beautiful visage could lay among them.
“A… world?”
Their eyes locked on one another. Koharu’s brow was raised partly in concern, partly in confusion, but Felix, blinded by his fit of passion, simply let his grin grow wider across his face.
“Yes. A world where those who feel outcasted can coexist with those who don’t. A world where people no longer have to be outcasted. A world where…”
His thoughts trailed off there, and the high of his emotions seemed to wear off as well. He turned his eyes from Koharu and yawned before collecting himself.
“Looks like you’re getting tired,” Koharu commented, “Your idea… it sounded nice though. I’d also like a world where people could just get along with one another.”
“You think so?”
“Yeah,” Koharu stood up, making his way across the room, “I think I might go to my room for the night though. I’ll leave ya here to sleep.”
Felix nodded, “Of course. Goodnight, Koharu.”
Koharu smiled, “Night, Feli.”
Felix was taken aback by the sudden use of a nickname. Had Koharu always been inclined to call people by nicknames like that? He never recalled Koharu referring to Daimon by any nicknames, and the two of them had been friends since childhood. Felix took it in, feeling across his chest to feel the thumping of his heart accelerating a bit at the thought.
He’d met someone who’d treated him like a friend. Not a brother or a student, a friend.
It was the first time Felix was letting himself fall asleep in front of Koharu. Though Koharu wasn’t quite there to see him, but the feeling was enough to make him soften. With his thoughts bouncing and bouncing and bouncing in his head, Felix drifted to sleep.
---
Even years after they’d met, Felix still found himself enthralled by Koharu. His physique, his drive. It all sparked something within Felix.
Felix had always thought it was simply the excitement of making friends for the first time. Yet, even when he was long past the days of being a youthful man, still new to the atmosphere of Japan and still in college, he still found his cheeks growing rosy as he pictured him and Koharu on stage.
‘Koharu,’ he thought to himself one afternoon, ‘you’re like a rose. And your thorns… Ah, those pointing thorns. They’ve pricked my heart so deeply.’
“Feli!”
Speak of the devil. The familiar voice of Koharu snapped Felix out of his thoughts.
Koharu sighed, “In your thoughts again? Our live is starting in 2 minutes!”
Felix laughed, “Of course. Are you ready?”
“Of course I am. Why wouldn’t I be?” Koharu spat, “You should be ready too.”
As he stood up, listening to the distant cries of the audience in the live house just outside of view, Felix regained his poise.
“Oh, Koharu. I’m ready as I’ll ever be.”