Chapter Text
[I don't want to do this anymore. Let's stop this.]
06th of March 2021, 09:35 in the evening — the exact moment you sent your last text message. At first, I just assumed it was nothing but a harmless joke; you often prank me a lot after all, then resolving it in five minutes since you always feel guilty.
But after an hour, nothing happened. There was no "just kidding *peace sign emoji*" accompanied by a photo of that goofy face you always make in my inbox. There was no Patrick in my doorstep with tons of Chunzhen yogurt with him, desperately begging me to forgive him as I grumpily refuse.
I started to get anxious.
[You're joking, right?]
I was still in denial as I sent my reply a little over an hour after. You're probably asleep by that time already, meticulously following the silly rule that you made for the both of us, to sleep before 10 pm. But for some reason I couldn't even explain, I still expected a reply from you. I didn't even have any idea of what I was expecting to receive, but I still waited. I needed something, anything, to disprove these horrifying thoughts lingering inside my head. To tell me that this isn't what I think it is. To tell me that that's not what you meant.
But I received nothing. Not a single word. Or a letter. Not even a dot.
[Pai?]
[You're probably asleep by now.]
[Goodnight.]
I hardly slept that evening, my head filled with the thought of you wanting to break up with me, sorrow and despair welling up inside my heart. The memories we shared within those three years we spent together all came rushing down to me like a waterfall.
I suddenly remembered how adorable you looked every time you would insist that I keep the call going even if we were both going to sleep. Moments of your annual China visit kept flashing in my mind like a broken record being played over and over again. Snippets of our daily video calls when you're filming kept repeating inside my head, keeping me from sleeping.
I don't even know how I fell asleep that night, though my most likely guess was that the tears brought me to slumber. All I know was that the next morning was probably the worst morning I've ever encountered in my life.
"We are going to practice the emotions." Amber said, discussing the agenda for that day's practice. It was to spark feelings, she told us, in order to deliver the message of the song well. If only she knew that I've already had a fair share of feelings and emotions to deal with.
Ending a long-term relationship — that was the topic assigned to me. 'Isn't that great,' I thought to myself, 'this is exactly what we are about to do.' And to make things worse, I was partnered with you of all people.
"I really like your eyes..."
Looking back, Oscar and Caelan's little unrequited love skit sure was hilarious, only I had no energy to laugh that day. I remember you giggling your lungs out that moment, focused on the show in front of you that you didn't even notice me. Up 'til now, it still baffles me how you could laugh at that exact moment, knowing what you just sent me. At that moment, I even questioned it, that perhaps, that message was really just a prank after all.
But the next events said otherwise.
Deafening silence enveloped the whole room, not one of us saying anything, both staring at the ground, hands in our pocket. In other words, awkward. Neither of us knew what to do that moment, perhaps afraid of what might happen.
Amber looked at me and waved her hand, gesturing me to start. With that, I mustered all the courage it takes and said the first line.
"I heard that... you wanted to break up."
I looked at you directly, eyes full of sorrow and longing, with a little glimpse of hope. A glimpse of hope that maybe, just maybe, that text message didn't really happen. That it was a harmless joke, like the rest of the pranks you pulled. Or a pigment of my imagination, afraid that I'll lose you. Or perhaps it was just a nightmare. Anything. That it would be anything far from reality.
"Get to the point. I don't have so much time."
You looked at me coldly, eyes completely void of emotion. It almost seemed like you were talking to no one, like I wasn't even there, like you couldn't see me. You stared at me with eyes resembling a frozen lake, cold and lifeless. It was despairingly painful to see.
"Why do you wanna break up?"
My voice almost cracked. Emotions have built up inside my chest and it was getting harder to conceal. Every second I stayed on that room, I feel a pang of pain throughout my body. It was torture.
The moment I asked that question, I immediately regretted it. I never wanted to know your answer to that. I was afraid of the things that I would hear, the things that I lacked, my imperfections, the things you weren't satisfied with. But what I heard shattered my heart even more than I could imagine.
"'Cause it's a waste of my time."
"What's wasting your time, Patrick?"
"You!"
The pain immediately doubled, no, tripled upon hearing you raise your voice like that, emphasizing that it was, indeed, me who was wasting your time. My body felt numb, knees wobbling and barely even having the strength to stand.
"How am I wasting your time?!"
"What are we doing?" you said, swaying your head a little, showing signs of lost interest and boredom. "We're doing nothing."
You turned your back upon me, walking away calmly as if none of what you said mattered to you. As if all those years were just mere moments of wasting your time. As if you had no feelings for me, as if you felt nothing.
"What do you mean we're doing nothing, Patrick?" You faced me, sighing as loud as you can. "Are you telling me this is nothing?"
"It is nothing," you said, coldly nodding.
"It has been three years!"
I wanted to rush there and grab you by the collar and scream at you. I wanted to remind you of all the things we've been through together. The times when you had only me to rely on, when you couldn't find a company that would cast you. When only you was there to support my dream of becoming a performer. When we only had each other and nothing else mattered.
"Three years. Waste of my time."
Caelan and Oscar's muffled laughs filled the room, and it brought me back to reality. I realized that we were being filmed, and that this was supposed to be a training for emotions. That to them, this was merely an act and nothing more. No one knew of our relationship after all.
But none of those mattered to me. All I wanted at that moment was to talk everything out and try to fix all the problems we had. Perhaps, with some adjustments we could go back to the way we were before.
"Can we just please sit down for a sec—" I said gently, only to be interrupted by your harsh and firm disagreement.
"Why can't we just sit down?!"
My eyes started to get wet at that moment as the pent up emotions inside me were getting harder to contain.
"Because I don't want to sit down! I wanna stand!"
With those words, laughter quickly filled the whole room, leaving me with no choice but to put up a mask and laugh along. Still laughing, you sat on the floor and told Amber how much you enjoyed the activity and how much emotions you felt during that time, as I laughed along and nodded, agreeing with what you said.
Under normal circumstances, I would've praised myself already for being a good actor, laughing along with everybody else as I swallow these emotions inside. But I guess one could say...
...that you were a better actor, Patrick.