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She stood smiling. It wasn’t a real smile though, she hadn’t had a real smile in nearly two years. She didn’t know if she would ever be able to smile again. It wasn’t that she wasn’t trying to move on, but she never thought she would have gotten so close to someone. When she opened herself up she was left hurt, she wasn’t about to do that again. She was silent It had been two years since their run in with the winter solider. As usual Tony wanted to celebrate something. She no longer even cared what the parties were about. She stood behind the bar, wishing to be drunk. No one was paying much attention to her; well no one she knew or even cared about.
“Look who it is!” Tony announced.
She ignored the comment and swirled the drink in her hand, before taking a sip. Of all the drinks Tony had, he couldn’t get good vodka from Russia. She had brought it up before and he dismissed her. She stared at her drink disappointed.
“Looking for your girl Capsicle?”
With this she looked up, obviously shaken. Even with just the mention of his name or nickname. She scanned the room. He was there. Steve was there. He was standing at the bottom of the stairs. Suddenly she heard glass shattering and liquid hitting her feet. Her breathe stuttered, she looked down at her feet. When she saw shattered glass on the ground and the vodka on her shoes she realized that she had dropped her glass. She couldn’t move. Her body was frozen, feet glues to the ground. She tried to move her leg but her muscles were stone.
“I found her, your girl,” Tony spoke before walking with Steve to the bar.
Natasha’s eyes met with Steve’s. She still couldn’t move. It wasn’t until Clint came up behind her that she moved. She walked with Clint to her room so that she could change out of her dress. Steve stood by the bar, he stared down at the shattered glass. Why did she react like this?
Natasha walked into the lab. Steve stood across the room from her. He stared at her not sure what to say. It was just the two of them. She stared at him. Was he truly alive? This must be a dream. She had a mission and was in some kind of coma, right?
“Natasha,” he was the first to speak.
She looked at him.
“You have been gone for two years!” she finally spoke, and she was angry.
“I’m sorry Nat. I thought about you every single day. I missed you. I love you Natasha. Don’t you believe me? You know how much I love you. You know I would always come back. Please Nat, don’t you believe me?”
“I thought you were dead! I mourned you! Don’t you understand? I opened myself up to you, something I swore I would never do! I loved you – you idiot!”
“And I still love you Natasha. If loving you makes me an idiot than I will gladly be the biggest idiot in the entire universe. If you moved on I understand but I haven’t.”
“Moved on! How could I have moved on?!”
He walked over to Natasha. She pulled back and flinched when his fingers brushed her arm.
“Can we talk in private? Tony had been staring at us.”
“Fine,” she slapped his hand away before leaving the room.
Steve followed her into his old room. It looked almost the same as when he had left. He closed the door behind him before walking over to Natasha.
“Please Nat,” he whispered.
“You were dead! Dead! I loved you! I cried for you! I stayed up night after night because I had nightmares of you on a metal slab. Steve I lost you for two years. Then you get back and think I moved on! Do you really think I am that cold hearted?”
“No Nat, I was hoping that you had found a way to move on. The only thing that kept me going was believing that you had found a life you loved.”
“I had a life I loved! Then you died and I lost that life. You were dead!” she cried and hit his chest, “I lost you! I cried over you!” she continued to cry and hit his chest with her fist.
“Nat. Nat,” he repeated her name a few times as he grabbed her wrists.
She was more upset than he had seen her, as far back as he could remember. He hugged her to his chest. She stopped fighting and allowed him to hug her tightly to his chest. He shushed her calmly and kissed her head. She couldn’t calm down. She had missed him so much. More than she could express.
“I love you,” he whispered.
“I can’t just love you. You were gone for two years.”
“So you don’t love me anymore?”
“It’s not that simple, Steve,” her voice became a whisper, “Nothing ever is.”
“Some things are simpler than you believe. I love you Natasha. I don’t want to be with anyone other than you, it is that simple,” he said.
“And what about me? What if I don’t want to be with you?”
“Then just tell me Nat. Tell me and I will leave. You won’t ever have to see me again,” he spoke stepping back.
She was silent. He took the cue and turned around before starting to walk to the door. Before he could grab the door handle she grabbed his hand. He looked over his shoulder and back at her.
“You were gone for two years. I may need a little time to readjust. Can we just be together for a little while?”
“Of course.”
She walked over to the bed and sat on the bed. He walked over, but did not sit. He stood beside her.
“Can we sit?” she asked.
He nodded and sat beside her. He looked over at her, but did not speak. He knew she didn’t like to talk too much. Especially not when she was overwhelmed. Thy sat in silence. Calm silence. The kind of silence she enjoyed. She looked over at Steve. He said nothing. She still couldn’t really believe that he was alive.
She placed her hand on his cheek, as if checking to make sure he was truly there.
“How could you let me think you were dead for two years? Did you never think about how that might affect me? How could you do this to me Steve? I lost you,” she sobbed.
“I lost you too Nat!” he said mad.
“I’m sorry. I just – I don’t understand,” she spoke softly and let her head hang.
He hugged her, trying to keep her close to his body.
“I love you Natasha, I will never stop loving you,” he said before kissing the top of her head.
“I love you too Steve. I love you so much,” she said kissing his lips very lightly.
He returned the kiss before kissing her again. He tried to pull her closer, though that was impossible. Both of them pulled each other back onto the bed. They both could feel the passion the other had from not seeing each other for two years.
She just stared at Steve as she lay next to him. He ran his fingers down her hairline and to the back of her neck. Suddenly he noticed the tears in her eyes.
“What is it?” he asked her scared.
“I’m mad at you,” she said holding back tears.
“Why?”
“I was good at being alone! Because of you I don’t know how to be alone,” she sobbed.
“Natasha, I promise you that I will never leave you like that again.” He said hugging her.
“You can’t promise me that,” she cried.
“I can promise you this. I am not going to ever leave you like that again.”
She buried her face into his chest and cried. He hugged her tightly. He felt so bad for her.
“I’m sorry that I left. I’m sorry Nat,” he spoke with tears running down his face.
“I can’t do this without you. I need you Steve. I love you,” she whispered into his chest.
He heard and hugged her tighter.
“It’s late Nat. I’ll be here so get some sleep,” he said.
She yawned before closing her eyes and soon falling asleep.
Steve woke up. He saw Natasha sleeping beside him. It was like a dream. He had the woman he loved back. He rolled onto his side and stared at her.
“Good morning Natasha,” he kissed her cheek softly.
She mumbled quietly and rolled over. The sun shone beautifully into the room. He draped his arm over her. Her skin was cool, he forgot how cold she got. She was always saying that he was her personal heater.
“Nat,” he whispered, pulling her closer to him.
She smiled and pressed herself to his bare chest. She was wearing a sports bra and a pair of his boxers. He was wearing no shirt and a pair of sweatpants.
“You’re so warm. Can I just stay here forever?” she asks smiling.
“Not forever. I think we have the right to take the day off.”
“I don’t ever want to get out of bed.”
He kissed her head and she smiled at him.
“I missed you so much,” she whispered.
“I missed you too. I love you so much Natasha. I thought about you every day.”
She traced out words on his chest. He didn’t realize she was writing I love you over and over in Russian.
“Two years Steve,” Natasha said as she stared at the wall.
“Hmm?” he asked walking out of the bathroom.
“Why? Why did you leave me alone for two years?”
“I didn’t do it on purpose! You have to know that I would never leave you on purpose.”
“It was two years Steve! You were gone for two whole years! One day you just left. I woke up and was alone. I tried to call you. I cried for days Steve! I had nightmares. But I am the Black Widow! The Black Widow isn’t allowed to have feelings! She isn’t allowed to share her feelings. I couldn’t grieve properly. You made me open up, convinces me that it was okay if I fell apart. You told me you would be there if I ever needed to fall apart. Then when I needed to fall apart you weren’t fucking there. You weren’t there. I love you Steve Rogers! I don’t know why, or how you made me fall in love with you. Then I was left broken. You told me you loved me, that I wasn’t broken beyond repair then you left and broke everything I had spent years trying to piece together. You were gone, and I couldn’t be mad. I couldn’t be mad that you were gone because I had no idea what happened. For all I knew you were dead so I couldn’t be mad because first I had to grieve.”
“You have every right to be mad at me. It’s okay Nat, do whatever you need,” he said stepping closer to Nat.
“I thought I would never see you again,” tears ran down her cheeks, stepping back and sitting on the bed.
“Natasha…” he didn’t know what he was going to say , finding himself glad that she interrupted him.
“Everyday I woke up and I looked for you. Then today when I woke up I had to convince myself I was dreaming so that I wouldn’t get my hopes up again and break my heart even more than it already has been. “
He knelt down in from on her, taking her hands into his own.
“I am here Natasha. I am right here. I’m not going anywhere. Please believe me.”