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The first time June sees the flashing headlights, she ignores them. Tuello said she and Nick could have up to an hour, and she had no intention of giving up even a minute of that time. She clears her throat, paying no attention to the impatient security waiting outside for her, turning instead back to Nick and Holly. Nick’s hands fidget restlessly with each other as he smiles at their daughter, and June can sense how desperately he wants to hold her, to connect with her as much as he can, but also knowing he’d never force her to come to him if she didn’t want to. She can’t bear the thought of him having to go back to Gilead carrying that disappointment, so she decides to see if she can help warm Holly up to him.
“Ask her again,” June prompts him, shifting Holly on her lap so she’s sitting more upright. Nick arches his eyebrows in confusion, not understanding. “To come see you,” June clarifies.
Nick stills for a moment, before exhaling his held breath with a single nod of his head. He extends his hands to Holly, palms up and welcoming, a small hopeful smile on his face. “Do you wanna come say hi now?”
Holly’s eyes shift from his hands up to his face, and June’s sure that this time she’ll lean forward into his arms and he can hold her. But to her disappointment and Nick’s, she doesn’t budge. She leans back into June, blinking her eyes curiously at her father.
June watches as Nick’s face falls slightly at their daughter’s hesitance to come to him. She knows how hard it is, being a stranger to your own child. It’s a thought that’s too difficult to bear, and so she stubbornly decides she won’t let this be how they leave him. It can’t be how they leave him.
“I have an idea,” she says, bouncing Holly on her knee, grabbing her attention. She smiles at her warmly. “Can you wave hi?”
She’s met with a stare, but June knows Holly knows how to do this. They’d been working on it for the last few weeks. Normally she waves easily, eager to show off her newly acquired skill, but today her stubbornness is winning. June bounces her again. This time, she points at Nick, and Holly’s eyes track her finger so they land back on him.
“Holly. Can you wave hi to your daddy?” June waves her free hand at him, setting an example she hopes Holly will follow. Nick brings his left hand up and wiggles his fingers awkwardly back at June, a shy smile on his lips, his eyes focused on Holly expectantly.
And then, slowly, one mittened hand rises and wobbles hesitantly back and forth in the air.
Nick’s face lights up as he raises his hand to wave again more enthusiastically. “Hi, sweetie,” he says, continuing to wave his hand at Holly, who returns his wave a second time, now with more confidence.
June feels a smile start to spread across her face as she watches the interaction, her heart swelling. Progress.
Out of the corner of her eye, June sees the headlights flash again, a pit now growing in her stomach as she thinks of having to leave, and not knowing how she’ll be able to. She ignores the lights a second time, focusing all her energy back on her task, not wanting to lose the headway they’ve made with Nick.
“Now can you blow a kiss?” June asks, bringing her palm to her lips and blowing a kiss into the air, hoping Holly will follow her lead again. “Just like we’re learning at home,” June says softly, encouraging her, blowing another exaggerated kiss at the baby.
Holly’s still for a moment, but then she quickly brings her hand to her mouth, holding it there for a second before letting her hand fall back to her side.
“We’re still working on that one,” June laughs as she looks over at Nick, his eyes sparkling with wonder and pride as he chuckles, completely enchanted with the scene in front of him. He quickly blows an exaggerated kiss back in return as June bounces Holly again on her lap, earning them the smallest smile in return.
She wishes she could do something to encourage Holly to go to him, but she knows the only thing that will get her there is time. For as much as her stubborn streak lives in Holly, so does Nick’s careful and vigilant nature, making her incredibly wary of strangers.
And then Nick makes another attempt to win their daughter over on his own. He leans in close and scrunches his nose up at her, wrinkling his face, trying to make her laugh. Instead, June laughs as she watches him, feeling lighter and happier than she’d been in weeks. She’d imagined this many times, and she’d always known Nick would be a great father but seeing it playing out in front of her is better than she ever could have imagined. June’s laughter gets Holly’s attention, easing her stranger danger anxiety even more, and the corners of her mouth turn up into an even bigger smile. Nick jumps at the opportunity and holds out his hands again, but Holly still doesn’t move towards him.
The headlights flash again, this time with the brights, and June knows there’s no denying it now. They’re closing in on their hour. They have to go. There’s no more time.
“I... um,” June stammers, not wanting to say the words that will shatter their moment, “I think my guys are ready for us.”
Nick breaks his gaze from Holly and looks up at June, nodding as his smile falls. He clears his throat, adjusting his coat as they stand, neither of them wanting to leave. He waves at Holly one last time and she waves back readily this time. His smile returns again, but June can see the sadness hiding behind it, knowing that he didn’t get to hold her and that they’ll be separating once again. Somehow, this time feels more impossible than any of the others.
“Can I hold you now?” Nick speaks up suddenly, surprising June, holding his hands out again, making a final appeal to Holly, hoping he’s earned enough goodwill to hold her for at least a few seconds. June doesn’t expect anything will change, but then to her surprise and to Nick’s, Holly leans forward towards her father, arms extended in his direction.
June can’t help the smile that breaks across her face as she leans towards Nick, transferring Holly into his arms. And if she thought his smile was bright earlier, it’s nothing compared to now. She can practically feel the happiness radiating off of him as he looks at Holly like she’s the best thing he’s ever seen or held in his arms, with more love than she ever thought was possible shining in his eyes.
“Hi, sweetheart,” Nick greets her as he settles her against him, bouncing her gently, a soft smile now on his face as he leans in and kisses her softly on her cheek. “I love you,” he whispers to her as she stares at him, quietly studying his face, “I love you so much.”
June closes her eyes, trying to keep the tears at bay. How is she supposed to walk away from this? To end this moment? She’d stay here forever if she could, and as her eyes flutter open to find Nick swaying gently on his feet, their daughter safe in his arms, his glassy eyes finally meeting hers, he doesn’t have to say the words to her. She knows he feels the same way.
She clears her throat, knowing if they don’t get moving now, there’s a chance they never will. She glances at the empty stroller and then back at Nick and Holly. Her family.
“You wanna carry her out to the car?” June asks. She doesn’t have the heart to put Holly back in her stroller if it means Nick can have even a few more seconds with her.
Nick’s quiet for a moment as he rubs his hand on Holly’s back. “Not really, no,” he admits, and June nods, understanding. She doesn’t want him to either, because it means their time is over and they’ll be leaving each other again, with no promise of next time.
Without another word, she closes the distance between them, pressing herself into Nick’s side, soaking up his warmth in their last moments together, knowing she can live on this memory of the three of them together until they get to make a new one.